AN: I've been looking through my fics, and it turns out that in spite of what I said above, this is NOT my first crack fic. Ah well; sue me.

BTW, that impression you got in the last chapter that Suki's done this before? It's only going to get stronger.

"No, no, no—the condom goes on like this." Suki stroked him a bit to make sure he was as hard as he was getting, and then put the condom on for him. "Do you know where the clitoris is?"

"Yeah, it's at the top of…you know, the whole ensemble."

"Er, yes. Impressive that you know that, considering."

Sokka shrugged. "The next oldest male in my village was still crapping his diapers when we left; I spent a lot of time with women and certain information just…filtered through."

"Ah. Anyway, I want you to try fingering my clit." Sokka had never seen a clitoris before, but he had the advantage of knowing what he was looking for, so found it swiftly; he did as she said, playing around with it with his middle finger for a while, and wasn't doing too bad from the quiet moans Suki was giving off, and then he started feeling around directly below it. "What are you doing?" Suki asked.

"There's supposed to be an opening down here somewhere," Sokka said.

"It's about half an inch lower," Suki said.

"Oh. Yep, there it is." As it turns out, it's entirely possible to be embarrassed while you've got two fingers inside somebody. He rubbed her clit with his other hand while he used that one to try and find out whether or not the G-spot actually existed.

"Oh—kay, you've got the basic idea down," Suki said. "Now lay back because I'm going to jump you." Sokka lay down on Suki's bed, and she mounted him. She began to ride him; "Move your hips against mine. Also, try to keep from coming for as long as you can."

"How do I do that?" Sokka asked breathily.

"I hear you think un-sexy thoughts. Math…or sports…or something. It's…uh, uh…not my area of…uh…expertise," Suki said.

Sokka felt himself stirring, and started thinking furiously: "D" equals the square root of the sum of one minus the square of "v" divided by the square of c. If we define measurements of "v" by fractions of c, then c equals one, and we can forget it. …ohmyohmyohmy… If "v" is point eight…yesyesyesyesyes…can't keep this up…FOCUS, Sokka! Damn it, man, hold it together! If "v" is point-eight, the square of that is point-six-four, and one minus point-six-four is…oh…FOCUS—I am NOT letting Suki think I'm a premature ejaculator! One minus point-six-four is point-three-six…and the square root of point three six is…fuck! I HATE trying to figure out square roots! That stupid squiggly square-root symbol, just sitting above the number, mocking me—OHDEARSWEETSPIRITSIJUSTCAME! "Sorry."

"No, you did well, for a virgin," Suki said. "You came first, though, which means you've got to keep going." She was still riding him, and Sokka did a one-eighty mental flip—from trying desperately not to come to trying desperately to keep it up. Can't I just use my hands? Oh, wait—duh. Sokka began fingering Suki's clit. "Oh, yes, yes, YES!" She shuddered around him. And stopped pumping her hips.

"I take it I did good?" Sokka asked.

"Yes, Sokka; you did good," Suki said.

"If I was smart, I'd have been fingering your clit the entire time," Sokka berated himself.

"Well, now you know better for tomorrow night," Suki said.

"Could we try again in ten minutes? I want to try it from behind so I can reach around and finger your clit."

"Tempting, but we've got a long day of my kicking your ass tomorrow," Suki said regretfully. "It will have to wait for tomorrow night. You'd best get home before the Avatar and your sister wonder where you've gotten yourself to."

"Right." They got up and started cleaning themselves off. "Hey, Suki, you wouldn't happen to know the square root of point-three-six, would you?"

"Not right off the top of my head. Why?"

"No reason."

Suki tilted her head in thought: "Half…no; two thirds… no; three fifths…yeah. Definitely." Louder: "The answer's three fifths."

"Oh. Thanks." He got dressed. "…Uh, I believe this is the part where I kiss you good night?"

"Et vice versa." She kissed him. "Goodnight, Sokka."

"Goodnight, Suki."

"Wait, but you said she taught you how to go down on a woman," Toph said.

"She did; we didn't leave the island until three days later," Sokka said.

"You tricked us!" Toph said.

"Yes, I did," Sokka said smugly.

"Aang, stop fanning him."

"I can't; I gave my word as an Avatar."

"Yes, you did, and let that be a lesson to you about invoking it unless absolutely necessary," Sokka said. He shouted across the river: "You can come back now, Katara!"

Katara crossed the river. "Well, thank the spirits that that's over. You took an indecently long time in regaling them that time; either you went into an obscene amount of detail, or you must have left June's head spinning. As in, to this day."

"Actually, after telling us about June, he told us about a girl named Suki," Toph said.

"Suki? Really? Well, at least that one makes sense," Katara said. "Honestly, though—have you met a single girl since we left the South Pole whom you haven't fucked?"

"I didn't do that girl in Auntie May's village who had a crush on Aang—"

"A girl in Auntie May's village had a crush on me?"

"—or Smellerbee, either."

Katara stared at him.

"What? Honest I didn't."


"Wow, you guys sure like to party," Sokka said, walking with Smellerbee in the woods.

"We're freedom fighters, not a job with a great retirement plan;" Smellerbee shrugged. "'Live for today, for tomorrow we die,' and suchlike. If we want to do something, we've got to get around to it quick. Which brings me to why I wanted you to walk with me."

"It does?" Sokka asked.

"Yes, Sokka." Smellerbee turned to stare him in the eye. "I want you. I want you inside me. I want you to pin me against the nearest tree and, just, pound the shit out of my twat."

"That's, er, not my usual style, but okay. Let's do this."

A hungry look came into Sokka's eye as he lifted her against the tree and pushed his cock into her, pinning her between his body and the tree. He thrust furiously. "Oh, yes!" Smellerbee shouted, clawing at his back through his jacket. "Yes, yes, yes! Oh—"

The Duke shook Smellerbee awake. "Hey, Smellerbee, wake up. We've got to plant that explosive jelly under the dam today, remember?"

"Hmm? Damn it, I was having the most wonderful dream…" Smellerbee sighed.

"Dream when you're dead."

"Yeah, I know…"

"Yeah, I know," Katara said. "I thought Smellerbee was a boy, though."

"Nope, girl," Aang said. "I think she and Longshot have a thing."

"She was obviously a girl, Katara," Sokka said.

"I was just staring because I just realized that my brother is a slut," Katara said.

"I also just realized that your brother is a slut," Toph said. "Awesome; that makes this easier than I thought it would be."

"What are you talking about, Toph?" Sokka asked.

"Oh, come now, idiot, why else would I want to hear about your sexual exploits? Remember that thing you said to Suki about being attracted to girls who can kick your ass? Guess what; I can kick your ass. Hint-hint."

"Yeah, but, still, you're…tell you what; a decade from now when it's no longer creepy, sure," Sokka said.

"I'll let you mull it over for a while first," Toph ignored his protestation.

"Wow. Just…wow," Katara said, dumbstruck.

"I am suddenly very glad that he's your brother," Aang said. Then a horrible idea crossed his mind; "Wait—how much does the Southern Water Tribe have in common with the Boggy Swamp Tribe, culturally speaking?"

"How do you mean?" Katara asked.


"Hey, Katara, I think I just realized why you were so pissed at those girls earlier," Sokka crowed.

Oh, no!

"Truthfully, I should have seen it earlier. After all, I've known you your entire life."

Oh, NO!

"After all, Ty Lee is totally your type, isn't she? If it's any consolation, I got the distinct impression that she might be bisexual."

"Wait, what?" Aang asked, thrown off.

"I'm a lesbian, Aang," Katara said.

"Like, duh, Twinkle Toes," Toph added. "Why do you think I call her 'Sugar Queen'?"

"Oh. Um, good for you. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go scouting for a moment…" Aang took off into the air with his glider. High in the sky, Aang looked at the ruby sunset which broke the sky into a million colors and shades. And shouted: "Fuck!"

Author's Commentary (As If You Care)

For the first couple of hours I had this in my head, I was violently opposed to making this smutty at all, on the theory that that would make it less funny, but I could see people coming after me with pitchforks if I had the gall to lay all the groundwork for an Azula/Ty Lee/Mai/Sokka sex scene and then immediately pan to the sky. Which, admittedly, would have been kind of funny, but not in a way that you'd likely appreciate. I cut over most of it, anyway, but come on—four and a half hours. It would have eaten the entire story.

It was weird, deliberately messing with established characterization for the sake of a few laughs. I supposed that I did the same thing in DBZ Condensed, but that story was too, well, condensed for any sort of canon characterization (not to mention being beige prose to the point where I described fight scenes like this: they fought), and besides, it was something of a commentary on the absurdity of the entire series, whereas this is Casanova Sokka going around getting laid all over the flaming wreckage of the plot. It felt like I was writing one of those Never Was This World-type AUs, you know, the ones where everything's similar but somewhat different, and maybe you think if you just go back a little farther, you can find the place where this history deviated from the real world, only you can't because it always was a little off?

Actually, replace "the real world" with "canon," and that's exactly what I was doing, really—especially considering the twist about Katara being a lesbian. (I am very proud of that, BTW.) I mean, sure, the scene at the end of "The Kyoshi Warriors" where Suki kissed Sokka on the cheek would have been weird if they'd been boffing, meaning that I'd probably been deviating from canon since the second episode, but Katara being a lesbian (when she's obviously not in canon) just blew the entire possibility that anything about this story was canon out of the water. With a nuke. For the sake of a throwaway gag ending. (See why I'm so proud of it?)

The Smellerbee scene was something of an asspull. I realized halfway through that I'd completely forgotten about her, and immediately thought of Sokka banging her in the woods. But the scene didn't really fit in with the rest of the story. The fact that she's (probably) so young made it, well, kind of squicky (you'll notice that it's the shortest scene in the story). But, on the other hand, the whole point of the story was to have Sokka nail all the female PCs, so I was stuck. And so I compromised. Also, having it be a dream sequence allowed me to ignore certain things. Like pants. Go back and reread it; they're doing it through their pants.

Well, this is getting overlong, so I'll wrap it up. This is my first Avatar: the Last Airbender fanfic, so I don't have anything to shamelessly plug in this fandom. I do have lots of fanfics of other cartoon and anime fandoms, though. Some are comedies (look for the least reviewed ones), some are smutfics (look for the most reviewed ones), some are both smutty and funny (like this one), some are epic chapter-works (anything with more than four or five chapters, really), some I admit I'm not too proud of (Breaking) and some, in my humble opinion, are amongst the greatest fanfics ever written on this site or elsewhere in the history of ever (anything I've written for Evangelion, for example).

Anyway, read and review. Seriously. Or I will find you…