Captain. Hero. Genius. Starfleet Officer. Ambassador. Diplomat. Child of a hero. Child of a Captain.
Labels. He hated labels. Why did anybody have to be reduced to labels? And why were there so fucking many applied to him? These questions would not leave him alone even as he nursed his fifth glass of brandy, the best the bar had to offer. At least that's what the bartender told him. Whether or not it was true was of little consequence to him. It was there and there was plenty of it. Those were the only two criteria he cared about.
They had been on this particular Starbase for a week already. The ceremonies to solidify the admission of the Rilisia system into the Federation had been completed and the celebration had finally wound down an hour ago - late into the night. Or really early this morning. It was the fourth time in three months the Enterprise had been summoned to represent the Very Best of Starfleet and Jim was frankly sick of it. He wasn't the only Captain that they had to call on. Why didn't they order the Potemkin or the Farragut to preside over these stupid ceremonies?
As soon as the party had broken up, he had snuck off to change into jeans and a tee shirt. If those milling about the Starbase didn't look closely, they wouldn't notice that he was the same Captain James T. Kirk who had presided over the celebration, saying all the right things all the right ways in toasting the latest members of the Federation. All he wanted to toast right now was his brain. And he was well on his way to succeeding. Lucky for him the bar didn't particularly care what artificial time of the day the Starbase claimed it to be. They were open all the time, serving their form of anesthesia to any who cared to indulge.
Jim was aware of Spock arriving, standing in the doorway to allow his superior vision to adjust to the relative dim lighting of the bar. His presence was nearly tangible, a weight on Jim's conscience, one he very much resented. Jim stayed right where he was, in the booth the furthest away from the entrance, staring down at the glass that was empty all too soon.
"Captain," Spock said quietly when he stood beside the table.
Jim didn't bother to look up at him. He could feel the disapproval radiating from his First Officer like a beacon of reproach. "Leave me alone," Jim said in a flat voice.
"I am unable to do so, sir," Spock said, studying his Captain, the hunched shoulders, the bowed head, the five empty glasses standing like sentinels on the table.
"Yeah you are. We're off duty. I can sit and drink if I want," Jim said, the tone growing harder.
"Will you come back to the ship with me, sir?" Spock asked.
"Why? If something's wrong, fix it. If there's not, leave me alone," Jim growled.
"Nothing is amiss with the Enterprise," Spock said.
"Then go," Jim said finally looking up at Spock.
Spock was surprised by the expression marring Jim's face. It was angry and hard. His eyes were uncharacteristically dark blue, smoldering with something Spock did not dare name even if he thought he could. "How can I assist you?" Spock asked in what he hoped would be a conciliatory tone.
"You can leave me the fuck alone," Jim responded evenly, glaring up at Spock.
"Have I in some way angered you, sir?" Spock finally asked, not quite sure what else to say in response to the raw emotion in Jim's voice and expression.
"Yeah. Yeah you did," Jim agreed.
"What have I done, sir?"
"You showed up. You won't leave me alone," Jim snarled.
"It is my duty…."
"Fuck your duty. Fuck you while you're at it," Jim said, his voice becoming louder with each word. "You're only here because it's what you think you're supposed to do. Well, thank you, Commander. I'm quite fine. You are dismissed."
"I am not here solely because I am your First Officer," Spock said firmly, his tone drawing Jim's eyes back to him.
"Yes you are. All you know is duty. Duty first last and always. I'm surprised you didn't bring Bones with you. To hypo me into oblivion until I did as I was told. Act like the proper Captain that Starfleet wants to parade around to impress their latest pet planet."
Spock studied him with unblinking eyes, Jim looking away first. He didn't need Spock looking into his soul and finding only the blackness that was threatening to consume him.
"Why are you so angry, Jim?" Spock finally asked quietly.
"What the fuck do you know about anger? With your carefully controlled non-emotions? What the fuck do you care?" Jim shouted, the bartender looking over at them in some concern.
"Everything okay over there?" he asked. Spock turned to face him, nodding.
"I believe the Captain has had too much to drink," Spock said.
"Do you want me to call base security?" the bartender asked helpfully.
Spock was about to respond when a glass flew past his ear, crashing into the wall next to the bartender's head.
"Get him out now," the bartender ordered firmly.
"I will," Spock agreed, looking again down at Jim who was staring up at him. "We are leaving."
"You go," Jim spit out. "I got no intentions of it."
"If you do not come with me, the bartender will call base security and have you arrested," Spock warned firmly.
"Let 'im. What the fuck do I care? They aren't going to arrest the Famous Captain Kirk," Jim said, throwing another glass that shattered with a satisfying crash. Spock heard the bartender contact security and he knew he had little time left to get Jim safely away.
Jim tried to shake off his hand when Spock grasped his elbow and pulled him out of the booth. Even as he tried to escape he knew it was a futile effort. "Get off me."
Spock ignored him, using his grasp to propel Jim out of the bar, pausing long enough to hand the bartender a credit chip that would more than pay for the liquor, the damage, and his silence.
"Let. Go. Of. Me," Jim demanded, digging his heels in to no avail. Spock continued to march him toward the cross-over with no regard to his protests. Spock knew that had Jim been determined enough to escape his grasp, he would have done so. It would have drawn additional unwanted attention to them but he would have been free of Spock.
Spock did not speak until they were safely back on board the Enterprise. He took them to the turbolift, directing it to their floor.
"I'm going to the Bridge," Jim said, overriding Spock's command.
"You are not," Spock corrected, stopping the lift and turning to face his Captain. "You are intoxicated. You have not slept. You are off duty. And you are angry for reasons I do not understand."
"Yeah. And?" Jim demanded, the red flush creeping up his neck and cheeks, heating him up to his hairline.
"You cannot be on the Bridge in your current…state," Spock said.
"You are in no position to tell me what I can and cannot do on my own ship," Jim told him too loudly and too forcefully.
"On the contrary, sir, my position demands that I see you to your quarters rather than the Bridge," Spock said, reaching past Jim to erase the current setting and direct it to the officers' level.
"I said the Bridge," Jim said, taking a wild swing at Spock. Before it could come close to impact, Spock caught his fist, squeezing it painfully. "Let go," Jim demanded, trying to kick Spock in pure frustration. His feet were flailing as his fist had been, too angry and unfocused to cause any damage to Spock's shins.
"Captain," Spock said firmly, retaining his hold on Jim's fist. "Jim."
"Don't you Jim me, you pointy eared bastard. Only my friends are allowed to call me Jim," he yelled at Spock.
Spock did not respond, propelling him out of the turbolift and toward his quarters. He used his code to open the door, securing it when they were both inside.
"Now what?" Jim demanded, breathless from his anger and his inability to stand still. He was pacing furiously, glaring at Spock the entire time.
"Now you tell me why you are angry," Spock said with all the authority he had at his command. And it was quite a bit.
"No," Jim said, stopping to stare at him. "No I won't."
"You are being petulant," Spock said, some of his non-anger coloring his tone. It was enough to make Jim look away.
"So?" Jim said too loudly. "So what if I am? Will it besmirch the precious Starfleet and their precious fucking reputation? Will they finally stop winding me up and marching me out like their prize toy soldier? Will it make them understand?"
"Understand what?" Spock asked, his tone milder, the change infuriating Jim all over again.
"Don't you dare feel sorry for me. I don't want your sympathy. I don't want your understanding," Jim shouted at him.
"What is it that you do want?" Spock asked. He made sure his voice was hard and unyielding. A knife that might finally cut through some of Jim's anger and frustration.
"For you to leave me the fuck alone, to start."
Spock ignored him, leaning against the edge of the desk as he waited silently.
"I told you to get out," Jim said, the hard words dropping between them, making the wall higher and higher. Spock refused to allow it to block him out.
"I cannot," Spock said simply.
"Why not? Why the hell not? I don't want you here. I don't want you in my sight," Jim yelled at him.
"Why?" Spock asked in a completely neutral voice.
"You sicken me. You and your patience. Your complacency with their demands. You never complain. You never refuse. You always do as you're told. You're the good one. 'Why can't you be more like Spock?' they ask me. 'He doesn't mind representing Starfleet. Why do you object?' So thank you very much for being the perfect example. For never telling those bastards no. For making me look like the ass in this," Jim said. At least he was no longer yelling. His words were not making Spock flinch as they had earlier. If Jim was trying to hurt Spock with his insults, he was failing.
Spock tried to decide if the wiser course of action would be to tell Jim that he was not succeeding in hurting Spock, or allow him to get it out of his system - finally. Spock knew this anger and frustration had been slowly building but he hadn't expected it to erupt in quite this way. They had been summoned all too often to be representatives of the Finest in Starfleet and the Federation. And it had been wearing on them, most especially the Captain. Always having to smile, to listen to the prattling of the planet officials, paying rapt attention, being – for lack of better term – the belle of the ball.
"I do object to their near constant diplomatic assignments," Spock finally said, watching Jim resume his furious pacing. "It is tiring to us all. Most especially you."
"How would you know? Not like you care. You go off in some corner and huddle with the planet scientists, getting a hard-on over their latest experiments about whatever the hell they are doing this week."
"Is that the reason for your anger?" Spock asked in sudden realization. "Because I did not remain with you throughout the evening?"
"Why the fuck would I care where you were?" Jim yelled. The sudden rebound in his anger told Spock he had finally found its source. "You're the great and almighty Spock of Vulcan. All hail the genius who takes pity on us lowly Humans enough to stay with us. What would we do without you? Would the warp engines even work if you weren't here?" Jim had gotten himself wound back up so Spock wasn't surprised when Jim stood toe to toe with him, finally shoving him fiercely backward. The desk prevented Spock from going anywhere. His breath left his lungs with a soft whoosh from the impact.
"Don't just fucking stand there, you bastard! Fight back," Jim taunted, shoving him again.
"Is that what you want, Captain? For me to fight you? To subdue you?" Spock asked, letting a small measure of emotion leech into his voice. He needed Jim to understand that he would not allow him to continue, Captain or not.
"I'm not your Captain. I'm not your friend. I'm not your anything," Jim shouted, intentionally bumping into him, chest to chest. He knew his actions wouldn't hurt Spock, were in fact much more likely to injure him. But he didn't care. His anger now sparked was about to become a conflagration. And if it consumed him all the better.
"You are setting aside your position for this interval?" Spock asked, daring him to agree, standing ramrod straight, giving off the impression that he was towering over Jim even though they were virtually the same height.
"Yeah. Yeah I am. Just me and you. What do you think of that?" Jim said in a nasty snarl, taunting Spock, his eyes blazing an angry blue, his mouth twisted in an evil smile. He wanted Spock to provide that final spark, the one that would ensure that they were both consumed by the coming firestorm.
"I think that I will use it to my advantage," Spock said, capturing one of Jim's hands and twisting it behind his back. When Spock had Jim's wrist firmly held in the middle of Jim's back, he used his left arm to wrap around Jim's shoulders, effectively immobilizing him against the hard body of his First Officer. "You know that this is a fight you cannot win," he said into Jim's ear. The words made Jim struggle against Spock. Spock pulled his captured wrist higher, Jim grunting from the renewed pain.
"Okay. You proved your point. You're a lot stronger than me. Now let me go," Jim said, averting his face from Spock's. Spock breath was brushing against Jim's cheek, the closeness sapping some of his anger, extinguishing some of the fire that had been burning so brightly and so hotly just seconds before.
"I have no intentions of it. Not yet," Spock said, propelling Jim forward and into his sleeping section.
"What are you doing?" Jim asked loudly, trying to look at Spock as he continued to hold him too hard and too close. Jim felt every long muscle of Spock's body, every movement sparking against him, making him all too aware of being held so tightly against hot form behind him.
"What I should have done long before now. Make you mine."
"Your what?" Jim demanded. "I don't want to be anybody's anything. Not their tin soldier. Not their spokesman. Not their hero. And not yours."
"You will be my t'hy'la," Spock said, kissing his neck.
"What? What the hell does that mean?" Jim asked, trying hard to hold onto his anger as a shield against what Spock was doing to him. Spock was causing a new kind of flame to grow under Jim's skin, the kind that prickled and tingled, the kind he enjoyed more than he wanted to. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. This wasn't supposed to be Spock's reaction.
"All the things you are to me already. This will seal it. We will bond and be one. Then you will never doubt me again," Spock explained, his left hand going up under Jim's tee shirt to caress his hard stomach. Spock noted that Jim was no longer trying to get away. Instead, he seemed to be trying to melt into Spock, to get even closer. Spock released him completely and Jim turned around to look into Spock's very black eyes, pressing his body tightly to Spock's, absorbing his warmth to add it to his own.
"You can't want to bond with me, Spock. I'm utterly fucked up. You have no idea how badly."
"I know you believe that of yourself, Jim, even though it is not true. I know everything there is know about you. You do not frighten me," Spock assured him, kissing his mouth in proof.
"Uhnn…" Jim groaned, resting his head on Spock's chest in a vain effort to catch his breath. "Wait. This is too fast. Are you in love with me?"
"You do not already have that answer?" Spock whispered into his ear before biting the lobe.
"Are you?" Jim asked, trying to sort it all out. Nothing was making sense. He was afraid his brain was melting, surrendering to the fire of need that Spock had found within him. He knew Spock considered himself a friend, a confidant. It never occurred to Jim that he felt toward Jim what Jim scarcely acknowledged as his feelings, his desire, for Spock.
"Yes, Jim, I am in love with you. Completely and totally. I regret not telling you sooner. That I allowed you to believe I would choose to be anywhere but by your side."
Jim stared up at Spock, his eyes less clouded, the fire of desire burning away the anger. "I have no right to be jealous," Jim said quietly. "I hate those fucking dinners. At least when you're there, you can signal to those diplomats that they've spent enough time trying to suck my dick."
"I should not have left you alone for so long," Spock said, kissing him and making up for many things including the inadvertent hurt he had caused. "I was distracted by their theoretical research and neglected my first duty. To my Captain."
Jim shook his head at that word. "No. Not to your Captain. To your spoiled-brat friend. I was feeling sorry for myself and decided to take it out on you."
"It hardly matters," Spock decided. "We can waste more time deciding who is at fault or we can use the time for more pleasant pursuits."
"Just like that?" Jim asked, studying him. "It's not that I don't want to make love to you. I do. I have for a long time."
"Then why are you hesitating?" Spock asked between kisses.
"Have you ever been with a man? Do you know how it feels? That it will hurt at the beginning?" Jim asked breathlessly, wishing he could concentrate on anything but the kisses Spock was placing oh-so-gently on his face and neck.
"I have more experience than you think," Spock said, licking the hollow at the base of Jim's throat, making Jim moan. "I have been with a man. You will not be my first. But you will be my last."
"Who?" Jim asked before he could stop himself.
"Why?" Spock asked in return.
Jim shrugged, kissing Spock's head as Spock kissed lower over Jim's tee shirt before finally pulling it up and off, revealing Jim's strong chest to him. "You slept with Pike, didn't you?"
"If I did?" Spock asked, his long, lean fingers undoing the buttons on Jim's jeans so that he could access the waiting hardness beneath.
"I've heard the rumors," Jim said with a gasp, thrusting his hips so that the pressure from Spock's hand was more deliciously firm. "I guess I'm just curious."
"I have heard rumors that you have been in his bed," Spock said, slowly and carefully lowering the jeans, studying him now that he was completely bare. And utterly beautiful.
"Never," Jim said, shaking his head as he reached for the edge of Spock's shirt to pull it over his head. He had to reach up and smooth down Spock's hair that had been displaced by the removal of his shirt. "I also haven't slept with Bones but a lot of people think I have."
"I am not one of those," Spock assured him, kissing him backward until he was laying down on his bed, looking up at Spock. His crystal blue eyes never wavered as Spock lowered his pants and briefs, his firm erection matching Jim's.
"You are beautiful," Jim breathed as Spock crawled on top of him, kissing up his shifting body, ignoring his yearning erection, at least for now.
"You have seen me undressed many times," Spock said, laying over him and covering his mouth, stealing his breath.
"But never like this. Never so passionate. So alive."
"I see," Spock said, considering it. "You will have many more opportunities to see me in this state."
"You bet I will," Jim agreed, thrusting his hip to search for more contact between Spock's body and his erection.
"You are most impatient," Spock teased, kissing him again, melting him completely.
"Yeah," Jim had to agree. "Fuck me."
"Must you be so crude?" Spock asked almost sternly.
"Seems appropriate. Considering how many times I used the word already tonight."
"What you want is for me to fuck you. Not make love to you," Spock elaborated.
"Oh my God. I can't believe you said that," Jim said in complete surprise, his eyes wide.
Spock shrugged, leaning up on his elbows so that he could look down on Jim's flushed face. "I am well acquainted with the Human slang for many activities. Including copulation."
"I see," Jim said, studying him. "Get on with it then."
"Turn over," Spock ordered, nipping his collarbone in encouragement. He slid off Jim enough to allow him to turn over onto his stomach, Spock kissing his back down to his hard ass. "Nice."
"Thanks," Jim laughed, pointing over to his bedside table. "Second drawer. In the back."
Spock reached into the indicated drawer, extracting a tube of lubricant. "Why do you have this?"
Jim shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure you want me to answer that."
"Is it not customary for those sharing intimacies to have no secrets between them?" Spock asked, continuing his trail of hot kisses.
Jim sighed. "Third drawer," he finally said.
Curious, Spock reached over and pulled it open. Nestled in the drawer was a convincing replica of a Human penis, not overly large but still impressive. "Ahhh… so you would be ready for me."
"What makes you think it's for you?" Jim asked, looking over his shoulder at Spock.
Spock simply gazed back at him, certain he was correct.
Jim lay his head back on his folded arms without responding. He gasped when Spock bit him on the ass, hard enough to make an impression but not hard enough to leave a mark. "What was that for?"
"To ensure that you are with me," Spock said. "Spread your legs apart."
Instead, Jim pulled them closed, crossing his ankles.
"Must I tie you?" Spock warned.
"You wouldn't dare," Jim said, looking back to see if he was serious.
"Spread your legs or I will tie you down," Spock warned, biting him again. That convinced Jim to do as he was told, opening his legs so that Spock could kneel between them. "That is more like it."
Jim grunted at him, raising his ass when Spock caressed him. He could only gasp when he felt the unmistakable sensation of Spock's tongue running over his skin. He would have never guessed that Spock would be willing to lick him, at least not there. "When will we bond?" Jim asked suddenly, wanting to know what Spock was experiencing, how it felt to be Spock about to make love to him.
"Afterwards," Spock promised, backing up slightly. Jim looked back at him in time to see him coat his firm erection, Jim licking his lips in anticipation.
"I am nearly ready, my impatient one," Spock assured him. "Lift your hips."
Jim did it, bringing his knees closer to his chest so Spock had full and complete access to him. Jim could only moan in intense pleasure when Spock took advantage of his invitation, sliding deep into Jim's welcoming body.
"Oh God," Jim moaned, burrowing his head into his pillow in an effort not to cry out in sheer pleasure. It was incredible having Spock penetrate him – he was hot and he was talented. Jim didn't care who he had learned from except he wanted to find that person and thank him for the lesson he instilled in Spock. "Harder," Jim breathed, wanting more, greedily wanting it all.
Spock held firm to Jim's hips, thrusting into him in a steady, hard rhythm that he knew was intensely pleasurable. And he was pleased to be able to give Jim this gift. He was also pleased that Jim was so receptive a lover, wanting all that Spock had to give and looking for more. "T'hy'la," Spock breathed, leaning down to kiss Jim's heaving back. "You are truly beautiful."
"Uhmm…" Jim moaned, swiveling his hips so that Spock erection grazed over his sweet spot. He was almost there, swept up in the sensations being created by Spock. When Spock reached below Jim's stomach to grasp his erection, pumping it in time with his thrust, Jim was gone. The first touch nearly did him in. The caresses finished him off.
When he came back from that special place that the best sex sent him, he smiled at Spock laying next to him, sharing his pillow. "Wow."
"Indeed," Spock said in agreement, reaching over to lightly brush Jim's hot cheek. "You are even more beautiful now."
"Sweaty? Cum all over my stomach?"
"Yes," Spock said. "Will you allow me to begin our bond?"
"Please," Jim agreed. "Kiss me first."
Spock complied, kissing him gently and tenderly, sharing all of the love that he felt for his t'hy'la.
"Once we're bonded, you'll teach me to construct barriers? So you won't distract me while we're on duty?"
"Of course. You need not be concerned. Your mental abilities are exceptional for a Human."
"Thanks. I think," Jim laughed. "We'll have to tell the crew tomorrow. Or today I guess."
"Yes. We will need to tell Leonard first. We do not want him finding out with everyone else."
"He won't be surprised," Jim said, yawning before he could stop himself. "I really am sorry I was so mad earlier. It wasn't your fault, as much as I wanted it to be."
"I know that, t'hy'la. I should not have left you."
"I'm glad you did. So you ended up seducing me to make me get over it," Jim said with a sleepy smile.
"I would have seduced you at any rate. As you said, it was only a matter of time."
"Yep," Jim agreed, his eyes drifting closed. "'m sorry."
"You have no reason to be. We now have all the time that we will need," Spock said, kissing him in proof and watching his love fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that he would never again be alone.
Dedicated to the one and only Lyricoloratura who said to publish instead of deleting it as I was tempted to do. Thanks, love!