*-INSERT GENERIC DISCLAIMER HERE- e.g. "I DON'T OWN ANY OF THIS STUFF SO FOR THE LOVE OF HOLY SANDWICHES PLEASE DON'T SUE ME"*
**SERIOUSLY. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE SUED.**
Rift: Ugh. Sorry, it took me forever to find Aliens.
Alien: Well, I don't think you were looking hard enough. And I doubt anyone cares.
Rift: Be quiet or I'll ruin the ending for you.
Alien: You wouldn't...
Rift: Oh yes I would. At the end they-
Alien: LALALA, I'M NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUUU!
Rift: AT THE END OF THE MOVIE THEY ROLL CREDITS!
Alien: NOOOOO! Poor credits!
Rift: Um...you're overreacting a bit, don't you think? There isn't anything wrong with rolling credits.
Alien: But...but what if the credits didn't want to be rolled? What if they wanted to skip around instead? Or ride a pony?
Rift: I think this is the part where I slowly back away.
Alien: But you have to watch the movie with me.
Rift: Drat. *starts movie*
*-A spacecraft is drifting through space. Ripley is inside and still in cryogenic sleep with Jones, the awesome cat.-*
Alien: Hey look. It's that lady. And that cat.
Rift: KITTY! *attempts to tackle television* Ow...my face...
Alien: You smudged the screen.
Rift: Shut up! Don't make me use my spatula!
Alien: Uh...Look! It's that lady. And that-
Rift: We're past that scene!
*-Ripley regains consciousness in a hospital, visited by some guy named Burke.-*
Alien: He brought the cat with him. Wait, when I said 'cat' last time you-
Rift: KITTY! *attempts to tackle television, but is held back by Alien*
Alien: Do you always react that way when you see a cat?
Rift: Of course not.
Alien: Hm...not sure if I believe you.
*-Ripley shows signs of uncomfortableness, Jones the Supercat starts hissing at her.-*
Alien: What's up with the cat?
Alien: Aren't you going to go flying at the television or something?
Rift: Nah. I'll save that for later.
Alien: You're...very weird.
Rift: And you're a fictional character.
*-Burke calls for medical attention. Ripley wants them to kill her, because something is pushing out of her stomach.-*
Rift: Must've been something she ate.
Alien: Think she wants some Pepto-Bismol?
*-Ripley wakes up in the hospital bed, revealing the whole scene to be a dream.-*
Alien: Well, that was a bit anticlimactic.
Rift: *singing the Pepto-Bismol jingle*
Alien: Please stop singing. You'll break the television. And the windows. And you just might make my ears bleed.
Rift: Do you even have ears?
Alien: That's my point.
*-Ripley is shocked to learn that the planet they found the Alien egg-thingy on has been colonized.-*
Alien: Oh snap.
Rift: Great, now I want cereal.
Alien: And I want popcorn. But you don't seem to have anymore, so I guess I ate it all.
Rift: I don't recall you eating any when we started. When did you finish it?
Alien: Yesterday. When I broke into your house.
Rift: Um...I was home all day yesterday. And I think I'd have noticed you breaking in while I was here.
Alien: Oh. So...does that mean you have popcorn?
*-Time passes and she is visited by Burke, who tells Ripley that contact with the colony has been lost-*
Rift: Maybe they switched phone companies.
Alien: I doubt that. The Company seem to think it might be Aliens, and want Protagonist-lady to go investigate with some Marines.
Rift: Oh, now they believe her.
*-Ripley doesn't want to go back to where she first encountered the Alien, and because she is frustrated that nobody believed her.-*
Rift: HA! That's right! Shun the nonbelievers!
*-Ripley feels that if she does not go on the mission, she will never regain her confidence.-*
Rift: Don't tell me she's considering it...
Alien: She's considering it.
Rift: I told you not to tell me that!
*-Ripley folds like origami paper and goes.-*
Alien: Well if she didn't go, it wouldn't be much of a movie. And she wants to 'regain her confidence'.
Rift: Oh shut up.
*-Rather boring scene of a spaceship that's...uh...spaceshipping-*
Rift: I'm bored.
Alien: They're trying to create suspense.
Alien: And they have to establish the relationships between characters.
Alien: Plus, they have to-
Rift: Make me to die of boredom?
Alien: They-wait, you can die of boredom?
Rift: Very yes.
Alien: No! Don't die! If you die, who will continue to write!
Rift: Other people who have more talent than me.
Alien: Oh. Um...if you die then who'll...uh...
Rift: Eventually dominate the world with the power of kitty-cats?
Rift: Back to the movie!
*-Ripley is very not happy to learn that an android named Bishop has gone with them. She doesn't trust robot-types, so she is a big jerk to Bishop when he tries to befriend her.-*
Rift: Why is she being such a bi-
Alien: -g fat meanie?
Rift: No, she's being a total as-
Rift: Stop interrup-
Alien: -ting you?
Rift: FALCON PAWNCH!
Alien: *goes flying and lands in the kitchen*
Random Announcer Voice: RING OUT!
Alien: Where'd that voice come from?
*-They finally land and enter the colony complex.-*
Rift: Why're you still in my kitchen?
Rift: I told you I don't have any.
Alien: But I need munchies!
Rift: Did you seriously just say 'munchies'?
Rift: Yeah, yeah. Just take some chips, you're missing the movie. I don't want to have to retitle this 'Watching Aliens By Myself Because The Alien Who Is Supposed To Be Watching It With Me Needs Munchies And Is In My Kitchen.'
Alien: I think that might be the longest sentence you've written.
Rift: And it's a crappy title.
*-The complex is empty and they find some facehuggers in stasis tubes.-*
*-And they find a little girl called Newt.-*
Rift: What kind of name is Newt?
Alien: Well, what kind of name is Rift?
Rift: You're right! What kind of name is Rift? Waaaaaaaaaah!
Alien: Uh...I'll just... keep watching the movie.
*-Some dude tracks the colonists by using homing devices embedded in their skin. The team go to where all the colonists seem to be gathered.-*
Admiral Ackbar: *suddenly appears* It's a trap!
Alien: Who're you?
Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! *disappears*
Alien: What was that all about?
*-There's a ton of Aliens and colonists with chestbursters and stuff.-*
Rift: If Admiral Ackbar says it's a trap, it's probably a trap.
Alien: Unless it's a tarp.
Rift: True, true.
*-What's left of the team escapes, but not before screwing up their car-truck-vehicle-thingy.-*
Alien: Well that sucks for them.
Rift: Them? What about the car-ma-bob?
Alien: Yeah, that sucks for the vehicle too.
*-The survivors want to get back to their main spaceship, but an Alien ninja-ed it's way onto the dropship and killed the pilot, so they're stuck.-*
Rift: Wow. They have worse luck than me.
Alien: And that's saying something.
*-The remaining survivors head inside because Newt says the Aliens are more active at night.-*
Rift: Like me. I'm up all night attempting to write and plotting world domination.
Alien: Shouldn't you be trying to get a job and make money? I mean, you can't even afford to buy Alien or Aliens so it takes you forever to find and watch them for these stories of yours.
Rift: *hits Alien with spatula*
Alien: Curse you spatula! I will have my revenge!
*-Rescue isn't coming for about 17 days, so the survivors are toast. I mean... they decide to hunker down and try to fend off the Aliens.-*
Alien: 17 days?
Rift: 408 hours?
Alien: 24480 minutes?
Rift: Should we go into seconds?
*-Hicks gives Ripley a small locator to wear on her body, so he can find her anywhere.-*
Rift & Alien: Stalker.
Rift: I thought we agreed to never speak in unison. Ever.
Alien: It won't happen again, I swear!
*-Ripley puts her locator on Newt, so she can always see where she is.-*
Rift & Alien: Stalker.
Alien: Déjà vu.
*-The group discusses how Aliens reproduce.-*
Alien: Yeah...I'm just going to curl up in your closet and die of embarrassment.
Rift: Fine. After we finish the movie.
*-Ripley tries to get Bishop to destroy the two facehuggers, but he tells her that Burke wants to keep them alive. Burke is going to take the facehuggers back to Earth because he'll make tons of money.-*
Alien: And he won't even have to change his car insurance.
Alien: Oh, right, that's saving tons of money. Nevermind.
*-Burke even tries to get Ripley's help in smuggling them past quarantine, but since she's the protagonist she refuses and has even discovered that Burke is responsible for this whole mess.-*
Rift: Because he believed her about the Aliens before and sent the colonists to the ship-thingy with the eggs on porpoise.
Alien: Porpoise? Don't you mean 'on purpose?'
*-Stuff happens, and the nuclear reactor is going to explode. So Bishop leaves to somehow get another dropship.-*
Rift: An explosion? I like explosions.
Alien: I bet everyone is freaking out.
*-Newt and Ripley curl up under a bed for a nap.-*
Alien: Wait, what? A nuclear explosion is imminent and you're going to sleep?
Rift: Sounds like a plan!
*-Ripley wakes up to find two stasis tubes on the ground and the two facehuggers have escaped!-*
Alien: It can't get any worse than that!
*-Ripley and Newt are locked in the room with the facehuggers.-*
Alien: Oh. I guess it can get worse.
Rift: It can always get worse. Always.
*-Ripley manages to signal the others by triggering the fire alarm with her cigarette lighter.-*
Alien: So...did smoking just save her life?
Rift: Is that the message they're trying to send people?
*-Ripley says that Burke was going to smuggle the Aliens in the bodies of Ripley and Newt and murder the other Marines in their cryotube-things. You know. Those things they sleep in.-*
Rift: He would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids.
Alien: What meddling kids?
*-Burke denies it, but no one believes him because he's a jerk. As they debate what they should do with Burke the Jerk, the power to the facility is suddenly cut.-*
Rift: They forgot to pay the bills again, didn't they?
Alien: Most likely.
*-They use motion trackers to see that there is something coming towards them. The Aliens are using the crawlspace in the ceiling.-*
*-As the remaining marines take on the Aliens, Burke slips away and prevents their escape by sealing the door.-*
Alien: He's getting away!
*- Burke the Jerk is killed by an Alien.-*
Rift: Is that irony or karma?
*-The Aliens manage to kill everyone except Newt, Ripley and Hicks, but Newt fell into a ventilation shaft that leads to the bottom of the facility.-*
Rift: Gravity seems to hate some people. Myself included.
Alien: I don't think that's possible.
*-Ripley and Hicks find Newt below a grid, but Newt is taken by an Alien before they can rescue her.-*
Alien: Human fail.
*-Protagonist-lady and her sidekick take the elevator up, but an Alien jumps in before the doors close. Mr. Sidekick kills the creature, but is severely hurt and somewhat melt-ified by the Alien's crazy acid blood.-*
Alien: More human fail. Geez.
*-Ripley drags Sidekick, I mean Hicks out to the rescue ship that Bishop has piloted by remote but she won't leave and demands that Bishop take her back to the atmosphere processor to rescue Newt.-*
Rift: What? Turning down a perfectly good opportunity to escape?
Alien: She can't just leave the kid.
Rift: But the whole place is about to 'splode!
*-Ripley takes an elevator down, enters the basement.-*
Rift: Basement...? Did she just go into the basement? The BASEMENT?
Alien: Oh right, you have a fear of basements.
Rift: BASEMENT? THE BASEMENT?
Alien: MOVING ON!
*-She uses the locator signal to find Newt, but only finds the detached locator. Newt has been cocooned and is threatened by a facehugger.-*
Rift: *monotone* The suspense is killing me.
Alien: I know! I can't take it!
*-Ripley kills the creature and several Aliens coming in. While escaping with Newt, Ripley stumbles into an egg chamber that houses the Queen of the hive.-*
Alien: Hey, she looks like my mother.
Alien: Yeah, except my mom wears legwarmers. And a sun hat.
*-As the facility begins to overheat and stuff, Ripley destroys the eggs and Aliens, also severing the Queen from her huge egg-sac.-*
Rift: Scrambled eggs?
Alien: That's disgusting.
Rift: I know I am, but what are you?
*-Ripley and Newt take the elevator back up, but they find that the dropship has left already.-*
Alien: They been ditched?
Rift: Who's digging a ditch?
Alien: Ah, nevermind.
*-While the surrounding complex is 'sploding and falling apart and stuff, the Queen comes out of the other elevator.-*
Rift: I wonder what she thought of the elevator music.
Alien: I don't like elevator music.
Rift: Really? Sometimes I dance to it.
Alien: While you're in the elevator?
Rift: Of course!
*-The dropship comes up over the platform, and they barely escape as the whole durn place goes ka-boom.-*
Rift: FIREWORKS! YAY!
Alien: No, it's-
Rift: FIREWORKS! YAY!
Alien: That isn't-
Rift: *evil glare* You say something?
*-Back on the ship, Bishop says that he the platform was unstable so he had to circle in order to pick them up.-*
Alien: So...they weren't ditched?
Rift: Yeah, that's what he wants you to think.
*-Suddenly, Bishop is stab-ified from behind by a ginormous tail, and kinda broke in half by Her Majesty, the Alien Queen.-*
Rift: How did she get on the ship?
Alien: Dunno. Must be a ninja.
*-To escape from the very large, very angry, very Alien-type Queen Newt decides to dive under the floor.-*
Alien: That certainly wasn't the best escape route.
Rift: An excellent way to get yourself trapped though.
*-The very huge and mad Queen starts ripping up the floor until she has Newt cornered and trapped and with nowhere to go.-*
Rift: See? What'd I tell you?
*-Ripley appears inside the large forklift robosuit thing, and attacks the Queen, attempting to dump her into the ship's airlock.-*
Alien: What's up?
Rift: Why aren't there spoonlifts? Or sporklifts?
*-The Queen grabs hold of the robosuit, and drags Ripley into the air lock. Ripley somehow gets out and climbs up the ladder.-*
*-Ripley opens the the air lock. The Queen, who is being sucked out the airlock, grabs hold of the nearest thing, which just happens to be to Ripley's leg, but loses her grip and is spaced.-*
Alien: Holy cow! That was close!
Rift: Blessed bovine! That was close!
Alien: Wait, what? Blessed bovine?
Rift: Holy cow.
Alien: Oh. Oh! I get it.
*-Because Ripley is the main character she can't die, so she manages to pull herself up out of the air lock and close it.-*
Rift: Dang, I wish I had main character skills. Or is is 'skillz'?
Alien: I'd go with skillz.
*-It's the end of the movie, so the credits roll.-*
Alien: ROLLING CREDITS! THE HORROR!
Rift: OH GOD! IT BURNS MY EYES!
Alien: I'M GOING BLIND!
Rift: MAKE IT STOP!
My neighbor: SHUT THE (insert expletive here) UP!
Alien: So what are you going to do now?
Rift: I dunno. Can't figure out what to watch next.
Alien: I wonder if anyone read this far.
Rift: I doubt it. But if anyone did I hope that they someday receive main character skills.
Alien: You mean skillz.
Seriously, I have no idea what to watch next. I'm thinking of looking for Predator. Then maybe Alien vs. Predator. Or I could just stare at my television and hope that something interesting appears.