Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Glee writers and creators.
It was one of those days. Quinn had woken up feeling cranky, but she'd hoped the fact that it was nice and sunny out for once would help. And then it started storming, so that went out the window, and her mood started to reflect the weather more and more throughout the day.
Santana and Brittany were being particularly giggly and grabby today, which always annoyed her to no end, and she told them to get a room. They did. Well, sort of. They disappeared into the storage closet and didn't come back out until it was lunchtime. Puck wouldn't stop leering at her and trying to grab her ass; she knew it had been a mistake to sleep with him, but luckily she put a stop to his bullshit by stomping on his big toe. He was still limping when it was time for glee.
And Finn would not. Stop. Whining. The whole day, all she heard was how 'Rachel won't talk to me' and 'Quinn, you're kind of grouchy' and 'why won't you let me touch your breasts? Just once. I've been so patient.' She'd wanted to stomp on his toe, too.
Men, she thought irritably. Bastards, the lot of them. As much as she liked Mr. Schue, he was sometimes, too. All through glee, he kept lecturing them on the importance of presentation and showing up late and…other things she couldn't remember because she almost fell asleep halfway through the spiel. Of course, that had been the case for everyone.
Except Man Hands. She'd been diligently writing notes throughout the whole damn thing. Quinn had to give her credit for her focus. And her ability to listen to people drone on without wanting to shoot herself. Maybe that's why she got along with Finn so well….
Actually, it looked like Stubbles had dropped her notes on her way out. Quinn sighed and heaved to her feet. She had to go home sometime, she supposed, and now was as good a time as any. She couldn't believe she was seriously considering doing the Yeti a favor and saving the notes from the janitor's broom, but it wouldn't kill her to be nice this once. She hoped.
Quinn slung her backpack over her shoulder as she bent and swept up the sheets from the floor, and she was surprised to find that they weren't notebook paper. Maybe they weren't Berry's notes after all. She turned them over to glance at the first page, just in case, and then her eyebrows shot up in surprise.
'XxX41myeohmye14XxX's Sex Questionnaire.' Berry was filling out a sex survey? During glee? Quinn's cheeks flamed red, though she didn't know why. It wasn't as though she wasn't aware that people had sex. Hell, she'd had sex. Not very good sex, and only the once, but still. She must've been disturbed by the thought of the likes of Man Hands having sex, she decided. Still….
She glanced around the empty room, almost expecting someone to leap out at her for doing this. When not a shadow moved, she took a breath and looked at the first question.
'1. Name? That's a rather personal question, don't you think? No matter. I can lie if I want to. So my name is….'
Something that looked suspiciously like 'Barbra Streisand' was scribbled out and Berry had put 'Mad Libby' instead. Quinn snickered despite herself and, with another surreptitious glance around the room, went on to number two.
'2. Reason for taking this? Well, I'm bored, to be perfectly honest with you. I've never heard Mr. Schuester go on about shoes this much. Even Kurt is falling asleep. And I don't like filling these things out on the internet. This is much safer.'
Well, this wasn't so bad so far. She could always stop reading if it got too graphic or something, but Berry was actually kind of amusing her, which was more than she could say for anyone else today. So, Quinn sank onto the piano bench, tossing her backpack to the floor, and read on interestedly.
'3. Sexual orientation (if you know)? First of all, how could anyone not know? "Hello, my name is Bob and I'm not sure if I like you, because, see, I could be gay or straight"? I don't think so. Everyone at least has an idea. Second, to answer your question, I am bi.'
Quinn almost choked on the breath she'd just taken. Berry was bi? How had she not known this? Oh, right, because she practically undressed Quinn's boyfriend with her eyes every time they saw each other. Still. Berry was willing to have sex with a woman…Quinn's cheeks darkened again and, again, she didn't know why. She put it to disgust at the idea of two women getting it on and forced herself to move on.
'4. Which sex are the majority of your fantasies about? Well, I must say, I'm disappointed in the placement of this question. Obviously, if someone answered number 3 with "straight," the majority of their fantasies are about the opposite sex. Unless they're extremely confused. However, in my case, I would have to say that most of mine are about women. Well, woman.'
Quinn almost fell off the piano bench. This was starting to get a little weird. She felt kind of…dirty. But it was like a train wreck. She wanted to look away, but she couldn't. So, cheeks burning, she kept reading.
'Have you ever:
5. …kissed someone? Of course. I would hope anyone taking a sex questionnaire has at least done that.
6. Had sex? You'll never know. Although Noah would probably tell you we have. He's a liar; don't listen to him. The farthest we went was dry humping, thank you very much.'
Quinn scowled at the page. Well, that was the biggest non-answer she'd ever heard…or read…or seen. Whatever. And Berry knew the phrase dry hump? And used it? Quinn's cheeks were turning crimson.
'7. Dry humped? See above.
8. Been walked in on? There are these handy things called locks. I have one, and I don't use it sparingly. Although, there was that one time the janitor walked into the storage closet. We told him it was a dream when he came to, though, so maybe it doesn't count?
9. Had someone watch? That would be incredibly disturbing. No matter what Noah thinks.
10. Watched others have sex? Have you ever considered therapy? Seriously, I have the number of an excellent therapist on hand. Let me know.
11. Made out at a dance? Yes, but then he threw up and the moment was ruined. Fortunately, it was not on me. Despite what certain cheerleaders have said.'
Quinn frowned at the page. So that rumor wasn't true. She'd heard a million stories (and created some of her own) about the incident, and it was kind of a…relief to know it wasn't what happened. She tried not to over-think that.
'12. Had sex at a dance? Most certainly not! I have standards, you know, and public places are not appropriate venues to do that. No matter what Aphasia thinks.'
Aphasia? Who the hell was Aphasia? Was she the woman Rach—Berry—fantasized about? Wait a minute…Aphasia was from that Jane Adams Academy or whatever. Berry dated a JD? Quinn scowled. Did she have any idea how unsafe that was? Wait. Why did she care? She wasn't reading this to worry about Berry's dating choices. In fact, she wasn't sure why she was reading it anymore.
'13. Gone to a hotel just to have sex? Well, that was his intent.
14. Had sex on your parents's bed? EW!
15. Had sex with your parents home, without them knowing? Of course not. And no, I've never done it with them knowing, either. Again, standards. Think about getting some.
16. Had sex the first time you met someone? No. I'll admit there may have been touching. But it was not my fault. Singing gets me hot, and she wouldn't stop singing Destiny's Child songs.
17. Had sex at a movie? On the off-chance that a police officer ever reads this, no.'
Quinn stared at the words, reading them over and over. Berry had sex at a movie theater. For some reason, she was starting to feel…squirmy. She shifted and cleared her throat. And who on earth had she had a fondling session with the first time she met them? How did they know to sing to her like that? Would you stop thinking about this? It doesn't matter, she scolded, shaking her head.
'18. Had sex in a public place? Didn't we already cover this? Really, you should've had someone proofread this before posting it on the internet. By the way, the movie thing was just the one time. I swear, I have never had sex in a public place otherwise. Unless that storage closet counts.
19. Had sex outdoors? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that would be? Twigs, leaves, bugs. Not to mention the grass stains. It's a horrible mess.
20. Had sex while driving? Well, I wasn't driving, and we weren't actually having sex. Technically. But I totally give her props for not crashing.'
There was a groan in the room, and it took Quinn a minute to realize that it came from her. She blushed and shifted in the spot some more, trying to alleviate some of the sudden pressure in her southerly areas. There was no way she was getting turned on reading about Rach—Berry's—sexcapades. That was just…filthy wrong. She should stop reading.
'21. Had sex with chocolate sauce, honey, etc.? Sadly, yes. Little advice. Do not think that if you fall asleep afterward that when you wake up that chocolate won't be stuck to you like gum to a desk, or that it won't have superglued you and your partner together. Also, ripping quickly? Doesn't hurt less.
22. Had sex sitting? Aphasia climbed on top of me, okay? I did not ask her to interrupt my glee assignment with her nudity.
23. Had sex standing? No. Damn it.
24. Had sex with a virgin? Aphasia, a virgin? Surely you jest.
25. Had sex with bondage? I told her NO. You know what? Never, ever go to sleep period. She will have brought handcuffs without your knowledge and slip them on you while you're counting sheep.'
Oh, my God. Why is this turning me on? Quinn glanced around the room again, wishing she weren't at school reading this. If she hadn't been deathly afraid of a janitor walking in, she would've relieved herself of the sudden throbbing between her legs at the thought of Rachel cuffed to a headboard. Quinn's headboard. Naked. Sweaty. Legs…. Sick, sick, sick! You're not even gay, Fabray! Stop reading!
'26. Had sex with more than one person at a time? No matter how much Noah begs, I am not going to be nude with Santana or Brittany in the same room. That's just disgusting.'
Quinn drooped. If Rachel wouldn't want to be nude with Santana or Brittany, then she could guess who else she wouldn't want to see naked. Which didn't matter, because Quinn was straight, and this was not turning her on. She was not going to keep reading. No way in hell.
'27. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at different times)? This question makes no sense. How can you have sex with both a man and a woman at different times?
28. Had sex with both a man and a woman (at the same time)? Again, no matter how much Noah begs. It's not happening.
29. Had sex with 3 or more in the same night? Do I look like a hooker to you?
30. Teased someone successfully for over an hour? I'm suddenly feeling the urge to pat myself on the back.
31. Done a striptease? Yes, and it was quite effective, if I do say so myself.'
"Oh, God," Quinn moaned aloud, and then she clapped her hand over her mouth. This was just filthy of her. She was going straight to hell.
'32. Seen a striptease at a public establishment? Of course not. I'm not even old enough to get into one of those establishments. Besides, if I wanted to see a striptease, I would get back together with Noah or Aphasia. They can't stop taking their clothes off.'
She broke up with them? You don't care. You don't. You're straight. You're with Finn. There is no freaking way you're getting turned on by Rachel fucking Berry.
'33. Bought sexual aids? On the off-chance that one of my dads ever read this, no.
34. Used sexual aids? Not with someone else….'
She groaned again, crossing her legs.
'35. Seduced someone? I'm working on it. But it's difficult when she thinks I want her boyfriend (laughable, really, but I guess it could be confusing when he's always standing there with her, and he takes up a lot of space). Although, I did see her staring at my legs the other day (and she's doing it right now), which are my greatest weapons, so progress?'
Quinn had to read that a couple times again. Or five, but who was counting? She was the only girl in glee club with a boyfriend besides Tina. And Artie did not take up a whole lot of space. Also, she was pretty sure Tina didn't think Rachel wanted Artie. That would be weird. Could Rachel really mean…? But she didn't remember staring at her legs. Did she do that?
'36. MADE your fantasy come true? Again, I am working on it. You can't just jump on someone like that and expect things to click into place. These things take time. Which is all right, because she is so sexy it's worth the effort.'
Quinn's blush turned almost purple and she whimpered from the wet discomfort down below.
'37. Caused someone who was straight or gay to become bisexual? Working on it. Sexual orientation shifts are tricky, but I think in her case we just need to trigger a realization, and then it'll work itself out.
38. Position? I will let you know when I've tried all of them.
39. Dirty phrase? I don't think I have one. Noah was a grunter; Aphasia just liked me to call her "bitch," disturbing as that is. Good thing I escaped.
40. Fantasy? Me, a piano, a certain blonde cheerleader. You get where I'm going with this.'
Quinn almost choked on her own spit this time. Rachel Berry wanted to do it with her on a piano? For some reason, that thought was turning her on more than anything so far, and she eyed the piano with timid interest. Her fingers itched to travel up her own thigh, but she forced herself to keep reading, just in case Rachel said more things about her.
41. Did you like this questionnaire? Well, I'm not bored anymore, at least. A little horny, maybe.
42. Will you pass this on? No. I don't think anyone needs to see this. I may burn it when I'm done, actually. Although, that's not ecologically correct, so it'll go in the Recycled Paper bin instead.'
Guilt was prominent on Quinn's growing list of emotions, but arousal was putting up a good fight, particularly when she thought about what she could've done to help Rachel when she left glee horny. She took deep breaths, trying to convince herself it wasn't happening, but the aching between her legs, the hot wetness she felt soaking her panties, and the wrinkled pages in her hand were all strong evidence to the contrary. And then the worst thing possible happened.
"…I just forgot something back at school."
Much to her embarrassment, Quinn flipped. She leapt out of the chair and the questionnaire flew out of her hand and she bolted to the other side of the piano. Whether she was trying to get as far from that survey as she could or she was trying to hide or both, she had no idea. All she knew was that she was panting and clenching her hands together as tight as she could, and she probably looked approximately the color of a strawberry when Rachel came striding in, hanging up her phone as she did so.
Quinn had to cross her legs and bite her lip to keep from whimpering, because seeing Rachel after all these revelations was apparently a recipe for disaster. Rachel jumped when she saw her, but then she smiled and clutched her chest.
"Quinn, you scared me," she said, sounding relieved. "I didn't expect anyone to still be here."
She couldn't speak, so Quinn just nodded. Fortunately, Rachel knew how to fill up both sides of a conversation.
"Were you getting in some extra practice?" she inquired, though she was obviously looking for that questionnaire now. Her eyes kept flicking over the chairs.
Quinn's heart hammered, but she forced a nod again. Her hands were stark white from the death grip she had on them.
"That's really wonderful. I'm glad you've become so dedicated to glee," Rachel said sincerely, and she shot her another smile. "It really is fantastic that—ah! Here it is." She flourished the questionnaire and Quinn flinched. "I dropped my notes when I left and…." She frowned down at the paper, eyeing the fresh wrinkles.
Quinn wanted to run. In fact, her brain was screaming at her to get the hell out of there before Rachel figured it out. But her feet would not move, and she figured it had something to do with the fact that, if not for the piano, she would be on the floor because her knees were not very strong at the moment.
Rachel's gaze lifted slowly, and her expression had gone pale with a side of terrified. Quinn knew how she felt.
"Did…did you read this?" she asked softly.
"No!" she exclaimed, but too quickly, because Rachel swallowed visibly.
"You know, I-I was just kidding about half of it," she said anxiously. "Or two thirds of it. Really, most of this thing was just a joke. I-I was just bored and—"
"What half?" Quinn asked, surprising herself.
"What half was a joke?" she repeated, and her voice was stronger this time.
She was amazed at her recovery rate. All she had to do was want to pump some knowledge out of Rachel and she was back on her feet. Albeit still so aroused she might start humping her leg if she had to.
Rachel struggled to answer for several moments. The silence dragged on and on, and Quinn could see her trying to formulate a good answer.
"Um…I…which half had the stuff about you in it, again?" she asked weakly.
"So it was about me," Quinn replied, folding her arms. Her knees were still a little shaky, but she managed to hold her intimidating pose.
Rachel winced. "Quinn, I-I'm really, really sorry. I never meant for you—or anyone, actually—to see this. I was just bored and I'd printed it off for fun, so I decided to occupy myself and it wasn't until I was about halfway home that I realized I'd dropped it and I really never meant for this to happen. I…I didn't want you to find out about…it this way."
She nodded slowly. "Obviously."
Rachel sighed. "Look, before you…throw a slushie at me or whatever you plan to do, I just want you to know that I don't expect anything from you and you don't have to worry about me making any moves or anything like that."
Quinn considered her for a long moment. And she realized that she really did stare at Rachel's legs a lot, and for good reason. They were long and gorgeous and lickable and Quinn really wanted to cuff Rachel to her headboard. And go to a movie theater. And possibly for a drive with Rachel's hand in the most inappropriate place possible. Probably all three. Multiple times.
And suddenly, Quinn felt certain of herself again. She smirked and started her advance, and Rachel stood her ground uneasily.
"Okay. I just had a question. Just for clarification purposes, really," Quinn said smoothly.
Rachel licked her lips nervously and nodded for her to go ahead.
"Would you mind showing me exactly what you had in mind with the piano? Because I'm still a little unclear on that part."