oOo

"You will pay for your transgressions!"

"I grow tired of this!"

"You will pay for your transgressions!"

"I grow tired of this!"

"You will pay for your transgressions!"

"I grow tired of this!"

"You will pay for your transgressions!"

"I grow tired—"

Shahdee landed a killer blow to his side, knocking the prince all the way to the end of the broken balcony with a menacing snarl; swinging her twin blades to his dazed face, she jabbed at his chest and growled in an annoyed tone. "Even I don't get that repetitive, and Ubisoft made me sound like a fucking harpy!"

" … you will pay—'

Game over.

oOo

"This is ridiculous."

The confused director arched an inquiring brow at the Prince's pout and childish voice. "What is?"

"My damn attitude change! I'm like some demented schizophrenic chump who first starts out nice, then gets a major angst blowout, start acting less manly than I should, start bitching at all villains, swallows sadness, and then, this year, you guys made me turn into some pathetic loser who could score a suicidal ostrich over the princess; where is my 401k?"

" … Oooookkkaaaayyyyy—back to Assassin's Creed … "

oOo

"And that is how I died."

The dahaka frowned. "Wait, then how the hell are you narrating the game?"

A pot calling the kettle black.

oOo

"You must collect the sands, my prince," the old scholar slowly rasped. "It is the only way to restore the order and turn back the hands of time."

" … um … are you talking about the yellowish white stuff in the dagger?"

"Yes, that is indeed part of the entirety."

A shit-eating pause. "Nekkid Beelzebub!"

He rubbed at the chalky powder that was all over his nose and rubbed his head, avoiding the suspicious gaze of the keen elder. No wonder I was extra high.

oOo

"That's it?"

Silence.

"That's fujocking it?"

A wandering tumbleweed.

"I can't believe this! I can't effin' believe this! You mean to tell me that I went through three damn games just for the boss fight to end in two minutes? You've got to be kidding me! You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Well, at least he got a Disney follow-up.

oOo

I!

Stand alone!

"Alright, who turned on the dahaka's ipod?"

oOo

"White person."

The director sighed before drinking his coffee. "Prince, you have to notice that it's racist to call people by their skin color in such a crude fashion."

"Like how you guys made me whiter than the Templars?"

" … Touché."

oOo

"I'm cold, hungry, and miserable. I'm in need of a major shave, there are no bathrooms available, there's a black cow chasing me, my hair resembles Jacky from Darkness, and I'm being attacked by assassin nymphos in red jumpsuits. Later on, I go back home to find Mr. Dark-and-Mysterious appearing every time I drink some water, I don't know how the hell I survive without food for seven years, Assassin's Creed jacked my eagle eye, and I recently underwent a PG-13 surgery that involved changing me into a British person. What else can go wrong?"

oOo

"Oh, shit! I'm a Persian Iron Man!"

Ubisoft should've really gotten rid of that medallion earlier.