Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto,
but my friend and I are planning a hostile takeover! :D
Sakura and Ino, the dynamic duo are at it, again. But this time, there's a twist.
"So Sakura what shall we do today?" Ino asks, swinging her legs back and forth.
"You mean who do we pair up today." Sakura dead pans, giving Ino a look that can only be described as exasperated.
"Darling, you know what I mean. We must keep our title of the unofficial matchmakers of Konoha, and the only way to do that is keep on matching people up."
"Fine, fine, Piggy, don't explode on me, this outfit is new."
"Forehead! Think of someone!"
"Why do I have to?"
"Cuz I thought of whom to pair Kakashi up with!"
"…I hate you…"
"No you don't, now come on!"
"Shizune, you already said we were gonna pair her up with someone."
"Sakura, Shizune is crazy. Where the hell are we gonna find a guy who'll date her?"
"Genma might. He has a thing for weird."
"You mean crazy, he has a thing for crazy…though he is calm…maybe he can help level Shizune off?"
Sakura just shrugs, and then frowns. "Hey speaking of Shizune, I wonder what happened to Jiraiya. Poor guy, I can't imagine what she did to him."
"Who cares, come on."
"Ugh." Ino grabs Sakura and they head off to fight the unknown. Shizune's temper.
Somewhere on the outskirts of Konoha…
Jiraiya is huddled in fatal position on the floor. (Much like Neji, whenever he sees ramen. Or Naruto.)
"Shizune really did a number on you."
"Tsunade! Help me! I swear I will never, ever, do anything you don't wish me to do ever again!"
"Damn, Shizune's got you whipped for me. Just the way I like them. Now what must you say?"
"I'm sorry and I will never take Naruto out peeking with me again."
"YOU TAKE NARUTO WITH YOU!" Oh this is bad, Tsunade's pissed again.
"So how do we go about this?" Ino asks.
"You're the one who's supposed to come up with the plans!" Sakura's very panicked right now.
"Well I don't have one this time." Ino just shrugs.
"Well what are we going to tell her we're here for?"
"Tell who you're here for what?" A totally different voice asks. Ino and Sakura freeze and the color drains from their face. Shizune.
Both girls turn at the same moment and put on faux overly excited and happy smiles. "We were just wondering…" Ino begins…then trails off not knowing how to finish the sentence.
"If you would let us borrow Tonton for a little while." Sakura finishes for Ino, who shoots her a grateful look.
"Sure, but why do you need her?" Shit.
"He borrowed some of my kunai and he lost them and they're special and I need them so I was wondering if Tonton would help me find them?" She was babbling. Great.
"Sure!" Shizune didn't seem to notice anything wrong.
"Thanks!" Ino grabs the pig and they head outside.
"That was a close one." Sakura says, petting Tonton on the head.
"What was a close one?" Both girls immediately freeze up, and slowly turn around. Standing there is Genma.
"Oh, uh, Shizune." Ino says.
"Is she on one of her rampages?" Genma looks concerned, either for himself, the girls, or Shizune. Maybe for all three.
"No, but she's acting super sweet." Sakura says, with Ino nodding.
"That is odd. Well, see you!" He says, heading for the Hokage tower and Shizune.
"Wait! You're going in there! Where there's an overly sweet Shizune!" Obviously Genma has lost his mind. Sakura doesn't say it, but it's there. You know, in between the lines.
Ino nods, "Have you ever seen Tsunade and Sakura overly sweet? Well Shizune is ten times worse than the both of them combined!"
"What, it's true."
"Well, I have to see her, so it's moot. But…why do you have Tonton?"
"Oh, searching purposes."
"Alright! Well, see you. Good luck with your search." Genma waves and heads off towards Shizune again.
"That man is either suicidal or crazy or both."
"Well he's overly calm all the time some maybe it's both." Sakura just nods dumbly.
"Well you know what? We are going to put the whole getting Shizune and Genma together off for a while. We need to know if he lives or if we have to find someone else."
"Then it's time for sneaky ninja time. Sakura you understand pig right?"
"Well I understand you don't I?"
"You know what I mean, Forehead, do you understand Tonton?"
"Good, does Tonton understand you?"
"Tonton understands you."
"So Tonton speaks our language?" Ino looks confused.
"Well, yeah! Ino, you ruin the good name of pigs everywhere." Tonton oinks in agreement.
"No one asked you piggy!" Ino shouts down at Tonton.
"Ino, don't hurt her feelings!"
"I'm so sorry." Ino says, her words loaded with sarcasm.
"Whatever, let's just go be all ninja-like."
They send Tonton ahead to scout out the hallways. Only once being caught, right before they made it to Shizune's office. It was Tsunade.
"Stupid pig!" Ino glares at said pig.
"What are you two doing?" Tsunade asks, raising a brow, her hands fists on her hips.
Ino is still glaring at Tonton, so Sakura answers, "Well…that depends on if you're going to stop us or tell anyone what we're doing."
"Are you going to spy on me?"
"Then carry on, I never saw you. But…on one condition."
"I get Tonton, I need her to sniff out where Shizune hid my sake. I won't tell if you won't." Tsunade winks.
"Deal." Suddenly a scream is heard. An oddly girlish scream. "What was that?" Sakura asks looking at her teacher.
"Oh…nothing…I just let a certain someone use my torture chamber to torture her boyfriend."
In the torture chamber…
"Look, Hinata, I didn't look! I swear I only peek on you!"
"I'm getting Neji!"
"No please Hinata! Not Neji! He holds a grudge against me for some reason. He's weird. Please no! I'd rather deal with Shizune! No!"
Hinata leaves without looking back, leaving a crying Naruto.
"I don't want to know anything about it, just take Tonton."
"The pig's leaving?" Ino asks, hopefully, coming out of her reverie.
"Yay!" She does a little happy dance.
"Alright. Eavesdropping time." Sakura rubs her hands together, and just as she's about to open the door, Hinata comes out of nowhere.
"Whoa! Hinata, what are y-"
"If you want to eavesdrop on that door climb up through the vent, you can see that way too. You know, so you don't misinterpret everything you hear." Hinata points to a vent and goes on to find Neji.
"That was weird." Ino looks at Hinata's retreating back oddly.
"You can say that again."
"That was weird."
"I didn't mean…never mind, let's just get into the vent."
"Never thought Hinata for the sneaking type, you know?"
"Yeah, I always thought she was totally good."
The girls enter the vent and sneak to the opening. Their jaws drop at the scene under them. Shizune. And Genma. Half naked. Making out. On Shizune's desk. And Genma's pants were coming off.
"MY VIRGIN EYES!" Sakura screeches when she can form coherent thoughts. And make words again.
"MY NOT SO VIRGIN EYES!" Ino screeches, right after Sakura starts twitching on the vent floor. Ino rocks back and forth.
Genma and Shizune…don't immediately stop what they're doing. But they do stop and look around them. Shrugging when they don't see anyone they get back to it.
"SAKURA? INO? SAVE ME! I NEED SAVING FROM HINATA!"
"Naruto?" Sakura's getting her wits back, she half drags Ino to the next vent opening. And there they do see Naruto. "What the hell are you doing in Tsunade's to- Oh! You're the one who's being tortured by his girlfriend. Sorry, can't help."
"What? What do you mean you can't help! Sakura! Ino? Ino, talk some sense into her, I don't wanna die!" Ino looks at Naruto dazedly.
"Shizune. Scary. She." Ino obviously can't form sentences yet.
"YES! I'D RATHER TAKE SHIZUNE OVER NEJI AND HINATA!"
"Please tell me you mean to torture you."
Naruto looks at her oddly, "Well what else would I mean?"
"Never mind. We have to go." And the two girls go on, out towards the sunshine with Naruto's screams echoing behind them. "At least we didn't have to pair them up." Sakura says when they're finally in the sunshine.
"No, but let's say we did." Ino says vacantly, her eyes glassed over.
"Well this explains why Shizune was happy and so eager to get rid of us."
"I think she's pregnant." Ino says, getting back to her normal pig-ness.
"What? Why would you think that?"
"She has violent mood swings."
"So do I. So do you. So does Tsunade. So does basically everyone in Konoha. We live in a messed up town, Piggy."
"Yeah, I have to agree with you there."
Tsunade walks passed them towards the Hokage office, but then slows down and walks backwards towards the girls and asks, "You saw huh?"
"You couldn't have warned us?"
"Well you shouldn't spy on people." Tsunade says and walks away, back to doing whatever it was she was doing.
"Hypocrite." Ino mutters under her breath.
"I heard that."
"So, what should we do now?"
"Try to block the memory of Shizune and Genma?"
"Well to do that, I need Sasuke and you need Shikamaru." They would have these mental scars for the rest of their lives.
The girls head off to find their boys. If they had followed Tsunade, they'd have seen her enter through the door to join Genma and Shizune. Their thoughts: The more the merrier and Tsunade? She just really needed to release her frustrations. Which she can't do with Jiraiya since he's still in that shack.
Back with Naruto…
"Naruto, I'm back with Neji."
"No! Please I'll do anything you say Hinata!"
"Alright, I'll let you go…early."
"Neji, you may commence. But kill him and I kill you."
Neji gulps, his cousin has a scary side. He hopes he never gets on her hate list and wonders what Naruto (who she thinks so highly of) did to get on it.
Naruto starts screaming again. "No! Not the elmo stickers! Please anything but that!"
"Okay, but remember you asked for it." Hinata says smiling evilly. Bringing someone into the room, not even five minutes pass before Naruto starts begging.
"NO! PLEASE I CAN'T LOOK AT KARIN ANYMORE! MY EYES! I CAN FEEL MY EYES BURNING! I AM YOUR SLAVE! HAVE MERCY!"
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