The Lord of the Rings - A Parody - by Super_Tinfoil_Man Part 2 -
- Fellowship of the Ring -
Chapter 1 - Prologue -
The world has changed.
I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air, I'm rubbing it in my hair. Much now was once lost….blah blah blah…where is that damn page ? O.K, here we are…..bear with me here…
It began with the forging of the great rings. Three were given to the Elves: Immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings…..except those ugly ears, did you ever see one of them up close, I mean UGH ! Let's not forget shitty HP, I saw an elf the other day with 35 HP , Hahahaha ! Cough ! O.K , lets continue here….
Seven rings were given to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen who are not very tall.
Then nine rings were handed out to the race of man, the most untrustworthy of all races, the guy handing out these rings really missed the ball on that one. The elves shoulda been pissed to get the short end of the stick on this deal.
But, alas, they were all duped. For another ring was made, in secret. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, The Dark Lord Sauron forged a master ring. Into this ring he poured his malice, his cruelty, his coffee, his will to dominate all life. His coffee ? Legend says it was an accident, carry on.
One ring to wear at the mall.
No, that's not what it says, let me get my glasses.
One ring to rule them all. Ah. One by one the free lands of Middle -earth fell to the power of the ring.
But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of men and elves marched against the armies of Mordor. They called themselves the Menelves. Not very creative I know but hey, its those friggin unfaithful power thirsty men's idea.
…..and on the slopes of Mount Doom they fought, victory was near, but the power of the ring could not be undone…
" Grahh ! You son's of Troll's ! I was having a peaceful nap ! " Sauron growled, taking out fifteen soldiers with a single swipe of his mace.
" He's too powerful ! " Isildur sulked, laying on his back, with Sauron swinging away at his buddies.
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his fathers sword.
" Ugh ! Guys ! Did you hear that voice ? " Isildur rolled around, avoiding shards of armour and body parts.
I said…..It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up HIS FATHERS SWORD !
" That's it, I'm finished ! I'm going crazy, I can hear voices in my head ! " Isildur continued to sulk.
IN THIS MOMENT…..NEVERMIND ! HERE, I'LL DO IT !
It was in this moment that I, the narrator, injected myself into the prologue to slash off Sauron's finger with the ring on it. Giving all credit to Isildur. Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples, was defeated.
The ring was in possession of Isildur now, all he had to do was go and destroy the damn thing, but nooooooooooo, man f'ed up again. Way to go mankind. He lost it and it fell to the bottom of a river.
History became legend, legend became myth, myth became legend again somehow, then legend turned back into myth, myth became history, it was a confusing time.
Two and a half thousand years passed before the ring found a new owner…..
" What's this now ? " Gollum said, taking the ring, he found it to be very precious.
For five hundred years Gollum held on to the ring, but…as rings often do, they get lost somehow. So the old goof lost the ring.
" Why can't people just take better care of me ? I hope my next owner is some kind of high priest or something. " The ring said.
It was picked up by Bilbo Baggins of the shire. A hobbit.
" You've got to be kidding me. " The ring said in disgust.