The Lord of the Rings - A Parody -
Chapter 4 - The Party -
Explosion sound effect !
The firework exploded over the celebration below. The firework spread out in the night sky as a Sprint Logo. The Hobbits below oohed and ahhed at it, then continued the drunk fest. Gandalf watched everything. A stray Hobbit nudged him on the arm.
" What happened to your horse and carriage ? " The Hobbit asked.
" It's a long story. " Gandalf almost whispered as a flashback started.
Flashback…one hour and fifteen minutes ago…
Gandalf and Bilbo sat on the deck smoking weed when the grey wizard heard a rustle noise coming from the front of the house. He stood up and walked around Nut End to see a bald, muscle bound guy and a shorter Mexican guy looking around the wagon. The bald guy noticed Gandalf approach and walked up to him carrying a sheet of paper.
" Sir, sir we are with R.P.B.S, we are here to repossess your vehicle. " Matt the bald guy told Gandalf.
" Whatever do you mean, repossess ? You never owned it to begin with. " The great wizard protested.
" Sir, you are seven months behind on payments and…" Matt started.
" Indeed ? " Gandalf inquired.
" I'll have to ask you to calm down sir. " Matt held up his hand in a stop motion.
" But I am calm. " Gandalf said but was tackled and choked to the ground by Matt.
" Go go ! " Matt screamed to Froy, who had hot wired the wagon and took off with it. Matt let the wizard go and ran after Froy. Gandalf got up, brushed himself off and ran after Matt with tears in his eyes.
" Is that any way to treat a wizard ! " He screamed.
" I never saw my horse and wagon again. " Gandalf sighed then lowered his head. " But don't…." He noticed the hobbit had wandered off during his flashback. He just smiled and wondered when the narrator would kick in. Then it happened.
When I'm down I drink Dr. Pepper !
The narrator had sold out. But screw him and his narrating, lets move down to that table with all the hobbit beer around it, with the two little hobbits gingerly sipping out of each glass.
" Go on Sam, " Frodo elbowed his friend, " ask Rosie for a dance. "
" No ! " Sam screamed in panic, but Frodo grabbed his arm and threw him towards the dance floor. The poor guy was swept away in the dancing frenzy just as Eminem's I'm not afraid rap song came on.
Frodo laughed as he slurped Sam's beer down for him. It was Budweiser.
Gandalf lit another firework, this one exploded into the form of Optimus Prime, the crowd applauded. Over Gandalf's old shoulder in the background, we zoom in on Bilbo Baggins as he relates a story to a small group of kids.
" So, there I was…..at the mercy of three monstrous trolls…have you ever heard of a Troll ? Do you know what a troll is ? Great big, nasty, thirty five foot high creatures, so nasty they make YOUR mother look good. " Bilbo pointed to a shocked boy, the boy screamed that it was impossible for any creature to be uglier than his mom. But before the kids could be taken out of the magic of Bilbo's story, he continued….
" What they intended to do was eat us, that was for certain. One of my close friends got it first. The troll grabbed him by the top half of his body, then ripped him in half, spilling his pink and red guts all over the ground. He chewed on the top half of my friend as he watched us with his dead eyes. When they finally fell asleep I decided that enough was enough, I wasn't going to become some goddamn troll meal. I got out of my ropes then snuck up on a troll, I heaved a boulder over his head and smashed it right into his skull, it made a sickening CRACK noise as his grey brain slid out on the ground with blood…."
" I think that'll be quite enough my friend. " Gandalf patted Bilbo's shoulder as he eyed the hysterically crying kids. " You're stories are getting more graphic with age. "
Meanwhile…..further in the background….
Merry and Pippin snuck around to the back of Gandalf's brand new wagon SSX-320. Pippin reached in a hauled out a small firework.
" No, not that one, grab that big one there. " Merry whispered, Pippin grabbed the bigger one and lit the fuse. They both started to throw the large firework back and forth in a panic, when it suddenly went off ! Taking the tent with it !
The firework soared up to the sky, then exploded into the form of a white, dog-like dragon ! All the hobbits started screaming as the dragon did a slow turn then dived towards the celebration. Frodo tackled Bilbo to the ground as the white dragon passed over head.
" ATREYU ! " The white dog-like dragon screamed as he continued to fly around. Then a boy named Bastian, who was sitting on the white-dragons back, pointed to Merry and Pippin. The two hobbits turned and ran down an alley made of tents.
" RAARRRARRR ! " The dog-like dragon roared, Pippin and Merry jumped into a trash container out of sight. Bastian did a fist pump then they both exploded into brilliant reds and greens. The crowd cheered.
Merry and Pippin slowly poked their heads out of the trash container.
" That was good, lets get another one ! " Pippin said but was grabbed by the ear, as was his friend. Gandalf started to violently backhand both of the hobbits as the crowd called for a speech in the background.
" Good evening ladies and …" Bilbo instantly vanished from sight, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Frodo jumped from his chair and gaped at the empty stool were Bilbo was just moments before. Gandalf's eyes narrowed, did he suspect something?
" I suspect something. " Gandalf said to nobody. He then chewed on his pipe, but it broke off into his mouth, he started to choke. He grabbed Frodo and made the pat-me-on-the-back motion with his hand.
" This is some party. " Sam said from under a table, he was still afraid of the dog-dragon.
53 yards away….
The back door to Nut End suddenly opened on its own ! WTF ? Then it closed on its own ! That is some freak wind they have there in Hobbit Land. Bilbo Baggins appeared suddenly as he removed his golden ring. He quickly picked up his travel bag and walking stick and started for the front door. But he was cut off by Gandalf.
" I suppose you think that was terribly clever ? " The wizard said with his arms crossed.
" Oh, fuck off Gandalf. Did you see their faces ? " Bilbo almost jumped with delight.
" You should leave that ring behind. " Gandalf said softly.
" Eat it, old guy ! It's MINE ! MY PRECIUOS ! " Bilbo grabbed the ring in his palm and held it close to his chest as he smiled.
" It's been called that before, but not by you. " Gandalf said, then raised his hand, made a fist, then punched Bilbo right in the face. The old hobbit fell quickly to the floor then slid right to the other side of the room.
" Fine. Fine ! " Bilbo got up off of the floor then walked over to his wizard friend. He held out his hand with the ring right in the center of his palm. He licked his lips in anticipation as he slowly turned his hand to one side and let the ring fall to the floor. The ring made a huge boom noise as it landed. Gandalf noticed that the ring could suddenly fit around a horses neck. Strange.
" Later. " Bilbo said running away from his own home. Gandalf just waved his hand as if batting away a fly. He leaned on the fireplace, deep in thought.
" My precious…..precious. " Gandalf thought deeply of those words that Bilbo had sputtered, he could hear them again clearly. Almost as if Bilbo were actually….
" My precious, my PRECIOUS. " Bilbo whispered, adding an echo like quality to his voice. He stood right next to Gandalf.
" Will you just leave, please ! " Gandalf pointed roughly to the front door. Bilbo made his exit without saying a word this time.
Gandalf leaned on the fireplace again, muttering to himself about taxes. " Me ….and you go fishing in the dark…counting sharks….letting the cool grass grow…"
Frodo smashed right through the front door calling out Bilbo's name. He stopped to pick up a shiny new ring he noticed on the floor. But the giant 350 pound ring wouldn't budge. He tried again and again until the ring reshaped itself so the little hobbit could carry it.
Gandalf was oblivious to this major event taking place behind him, he just continued to mutter to himself, " Stop having a boring tuna….stop having a boring life….we're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time…..you're gonna love my nuts…..Linguine, martini, bikini!….you're gonna have an exciting life now…."
To be continued….