I think that this is my tribute to Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha. Because they were family, brothers, and neither of them deserved what had to happen between them. If there was ever a thing I couldn't stand, it was crying, but these two boys can really make me cry my eyes out. I was crying buckets when I wrote this. It works best if you have sadness and sorrow on repeat.
There were many things I could say to you, before you died. Or should I say, before I killed you. I used to hate you, just as you wanted, but…not the way you thought. Oh yes, I hated that you killed our clan. And I hated that you were so much better than me. But, at the base of it all, that hate was founded on an unconditional love. I used that hate to build my strength, again, just as you wanted.
For years, and years upon years, all I did was train to get stronger, hoping that one day, I really would kill you. To what ends, I don't know. Maybe because, inside, I was still the little boy you left alive, and left behind, and all I was doing was listening to my Aniki's orders. You told me to hate you, so I hated. You told me I wasn't strong enough, so I grew stronger. I don't really know why you did the things you did, but I can't seem to get you out of my head. My brother, my Aniki, my Tachi-nii, I miss you. I remember, seeing you coughing up your own blood. Your hands covered your face, and you doubled over in pain and shock. And in that moment, all I really wanted was to go over there, and hold you like a brother should.
Like other families do.
Because we are family. But you got up, and staggered towards me, with those eyes, how did you even see? Could you see me? I saw you, maybe for the first time, just then. And what I saw wasn't you covered in blood. And scrapes, and bruises. I hadn't fought you to the death. What I saw that day was my older brother, with that same old smile on his face. I saw you with eyes wide open, and you weren't angry at me. And I wasn't angry at you. There was no reason for us to fight. The sun peeked out from behind you, and on your left was Mother, her face smiling just like yours. And on your right, was Father, his happiness clearly showing in his eyes. But you, Itachi, you were all I looked at. I had nothing left, except you. And before my eyes, you were crumbling, falling down, and it was my fault. I was scared of you, of what you were going to do, as you took those long, drawn out, painful steps towards me.
I shivered, and pressed my back against the stone behind me, wishing, really wishing, something I hadn't done since I was very small, that things hadn't turned out the way they had. But all you did was lift your hand to my face. I was defenseless in that moment, and your hand, your fingertips stained with your own blood, just poked me, right in my forehead. I could have laughed just then, if the situation were any different. But then, if the situation were different, you wouldn't have been poking me in the first place. Your fingers slid down my face, slipping, as you were slipping, falling to the floor.
Your head hitting stone, and then you just fell sideways, landing on your back. The only difference from before was that you didn't get up again. I could do nothing, but take in deep, ragged breaths. Shallow, and hollow, because I finally did what I was supposed to do. Would they be proud of me, do you think? Okaa-san and Otou-sama. Would they be proud of me for getting so strong? Would they be proud of me, as their son? Were you proud of me, as a brother, Tachi-nii? I slid down the floor shakily, my head thrown back, feverishly hot against the cold rock. I was numbing, slowly, from the inside out. Rain started to pour down on us, washing away the blood and the gore, so that you almost looked like Itachi, my Itachi, again.
Your eyes were still open, and I couldn't close them, because I couldn't bear to do that to you, my brother. Odd, how, that came up after I killed you. The water washed away everything. The blood, my blood, your blood, dripped off me. I could still feel your fingertips pressed softly into my forehead. I couldn't utter a sound. Couldn't even open up my mouth. And as the rain washed away all that you were, and all that would be, and all that you are, my Aniki, I fell down beside you, just like I always used to. And I could just imagine you suddenly popping up, and tickling me until I couldn't breathe, telling me it was all just a joke, it was all okay, and that you're sorry. Your hand was not even inches away from mine as we lay there, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out and touch it. Because I knew that if I tried, it wouldn't grasp mine back, and I don't think I could have dealt with that.
More rain fell, and the sky was grey, but behind the grey, I could imagine seeing blue. Bright, bright blue. I could imagine fluffy clouds, and you poking my forehead, calling me a foolish littler brother, but affectionately, not emotionlessly. I could imagine sunshine, and warmth, and love. I could imagine all sorts of things, that weren't real. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do. I only planned for killing you, not after. Maybe because I never thought I would kill you. You were Itachi, older brother, always better, untouchable. And I wish, now, so, so badly, that I could have told you I loved you. That you were my only family left. That you meant so much more than everything to me. I cried a single, horrible, bloody tear.
On that day, I lost a part of me. I lost, at least for a while, my ambition.
My fighting spirit. Because at that time, I had nothing else to fight for. I was a mess for a long time after that. But I did eventually return to normal. I mourned every day, the loss and the killing, of you, my brother. But there wasn't, and isn't anything that I could or can do about it. I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you. I just am. And yet again, a single, bloody tear is sliding down my face, and rain is pounding on the windows, trying to get in and soak me again. I don't know what I'll do with this, after I finish it, but I'm sure I'll find a good place for it, somewhere.
Maybe I'll always keep it with me. Itachi, I love you. And maybe it's my imagination, or wishful thinking, but I can feel your fingers now, poking into my forehead, hear your laughing voice calling me a foolish little brother, just like I said before, and just like you have before. When you see Okaa-san, and Otou-sama, please, give them a hug for me. I know, it's an odd request, coming from me, but do it if you can. I need them to know that I love them. And tell them to hug you, from me, something that I never, properly, got to do. I hear someone calling my name, so I must leave, but remember this always, dear brother, wherever you are, I love you more than life, and I will see you again, eventually. You'd better be waiting there for me, complaining about how long I took. And you'd better not cry a single damn tear, because that's been my job, and I've done more than enough for the both of us. Goodbye, Tachi-nii, aishiteru.