Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris. I'm just stepping up because Bill needs to die.
WARNING: Sookehverse references. True Blood references. Dead Reckoning references. Pop culture references. There's really nothing I won't reference, even if it's only amusing to me. LOL.
"So what do you think, Eric?"
Eric Northman glanced up at his child, business partner and lieutenant, Pam Ravenscroft. Distracted, he was unsure as to what Pam was referring to.
"My idea? For a fundraiser?"
Eric winced. If it was the idea she'd emailed him about, he had to say it was a terrible idea.
"Pam, I do not think staging a performance of the musical Oklahoma is either amusing, nor appropriate. You know Sookie is still angry."
Pam glared at her maker. "With reason she is angry. You are being a dumbass. And a terrible husband. You are the reason the divorce rate is fifty percent." She snorted. "Regardless, you obviously did not read my second email. I had another idea."
"A talent show."
Eric, nothing if not a savvy businessman, pulled his eyes away from his computer screen to focus on his child.
"I am listening."
"We open it to everyone. Those interested in participating must pay an entrance fee. Those who wish to see individuals they despise embarrass themselves must similarly pay a fee."
The two vampires silently regarded one another, Eric drumming his fingertips on his desk.
"Was this your idea, Pam?"
Ignoring her maker's question, Pam's eyes traveled around the tiny office before settling once more on Eric.
"What do you think?" she asked again.
"Let me rephrase: what inspired this idea?"
"Did you know Compton sings and plays the piano?"
"No..." Eric was incredulous.
"Yes." Pam nodded her head furiously. "Apparently he and that dead whore maker of his were quite the Sonny and Cher back in the day."
Eric grimaced. "And we wish to encourage this why?"
"Dr. Ludwig told Compton he must do more to amuse himself, take more joy out of life."
"And you know this how?"
"I periodically let myself into Ludwig's office to read her file on me." Pam shrugged. "I figure since I'm there I might as well check her notes on all of us."
Eric frowned. "What does my file say?"
"She thinks you and Sookie ought to schedule an appointment for couples therapy."
"The nerve of her."
"Hello? Vampire with one wife negotiating terms on second marriage? Polygamy isn't even accepted among Mormons these days but don't listen to me. Keep on doing what you're doing, Eric. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end."
"Pam your sarcasm is duly noted and highly unappreciated."
Pam slanted her eyes as she fixed them on her maker. "How unappreciated?"
"Say goodbye to your shoe allowance."
"But, this fundraiser — aside from helping make up our losses due to Victor's club — it will also greatly serve your best interests," she pouted.
"Well, so far I've gotten the depressive Compton agreeing to sing and the filthy tiger is going to dress in leotards and do an interpretative dance. Now, if I can think of a 'talent' for the odious Were and enraged shifter, I'd have all your rivals making complete asses of themselves in front of Sookie."
"I see," nodded Eric. "In that case, I am in favor of this idea."
"Good. What will you do?"
"Do not push me, Pam."
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER — at Fangtasia...
It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye
Of the tiger
The capacity crowd at Fangtasia was stunned into silence by the ginormous bald man's dance performance. He did saut-de-chats, ecartes, effaces and pirouettes.
Finally, sweaty and heaving, attired in a pair of painted on tiger-print leotards that would make Steven Tyler envious, the were-tiger was done.
Lafayette Reynolds, Bon Temps native, former V dealer, and chef of Merlotte's, came out onto the raised platform that was serving as the evening's stage. As Lafayette had performed a Carmen Miranda song and dance routine, the delightfully flamboyant Lafayette was still in his full regalia: a sari, bra, and fruitbasket atop his head. Lafayette, as Eric's right hand black man — as opposed to Bobby Burnham who served as Eric's right-hand white man or Charlie Shine, who served as Eric's right-hand white Hollywood celebrity — was serving as the night's emcee.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, weres and witches, vamps and fae, let's hear a round of applause for Quinn. I never thought I could hate the song 'Eye of the Tiger' more, but I stand corrected."
There was a light clapping as confused and drunk bar patrons rubbed their eyes and shook their heads in disbelief.
"Next up we have the lovely Ameeliiiaaa and deadly Paaamelaaa. They are tag-teaming —"
An enthusiastic tittering as well as a few catcalls —"Woot, woot, woot!"— could be heard from members of the audience.
"Aw, you heard about that, huh?" Lafayette nodded knowingly at the crowd. "Amelia and Pamela —this time at Fangtasia's First Annual—"
"Only!" shouted Eric.
Lafayette threw Eric a dismissive smirk, mumbling "bitch, please."
"As I was saying, Fangtasia's First Annual Amateur Talent Show. Here's the lovely Amelia and the deadly Pamela. They will shock and astound you—"
More tittering and catcalls sounded throughout the nightclub.
"Oh," Franklin Mott called out. "Are they gonna let us watch? I've been waiting centuries —centuries!—for this! I must text Tara!" Franklin took out his cell phone and began to type his stalkertext.
"I'm prepared to enjoy this too," chimed in Russell Edgington. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha..."
As the raucous crowd continued their loud whistling and catcalls and racy language, Lafayette peered out into the crowd.
"You people are a bunch of sick mother-fuckers, you know that? You keep acting like that, that maenad's gonna come back."
Contrite at being reprimanded—and possibly frightened at the idea of the maenad coming back—the crowd quieted down.
"As I was saying, here's Pam and Amelia to shock and astound you with their magic show!"
Amelia and Pam walked out onto the stage and a new spotlight came on, focusing on an ornate black-with-gold-trim magician's cabinet located to the back of the stage.
"Hey," called out Andy Bellefleur, human. "Isn't Amelia a witch? What the hell kind of amateur night is this? You can't have a witch doing a magic show! Why don't you have one of the vampires bite somebody? Or Bill Compton bore somebody to death?"
"No, no," Amelia, shook her head. "I'm just here to be the assistant. Pam's doing the magic!"
"Yeah, but she's a vampire!" yelled Franklin Mott. "She's got special powers!"
Pam, her anger piqued, glared at Franklin and then Andy. But she remained silent.
It was Amelia who spoke. "Uh, everyone knows Pam hasn't got any special gifts!" The witch laughed. "Aside, of course, from the one all ladies have: the prerogative to shave years—or centuries!—off their birthdate!" Amelia doubled over at her own joke.
Pam was not amused. "That is NOT funny, Amelia," muttered Pam coldly. "You know how old I am. Everyone does."
Unconvinced, Amelia shrugged wordlessly.
"Anyway, we need a volunteer from the audience." Pam peered into the audience. "Who will be the brave?..." her eyes fell on Quinn.
"Don't even think it, Deader."
Pam scowled at him. "Wouldn't dream of it, Tiger."
Continuing to glance into the audience, Pam's eyes fell on Andy Bellefleur. Watching the rotund detective, Pam raised an eyebrow in silent question.
"You kidding me? What do I look like to you? Some whacked-out V addict? Who the hell else would be crazy enough to let you two Lesbo loonies saw them in half?"
Pam frowned. "How did you know what my trick was?"
"You kidding, Blondie? That's the only magic trick folks know. What the hell else would you be doing?"
"How dare you spoil the surprise!" Pam replied angrily.
"I just told you it wasn't a surprise!" Andy stood up and turned to face the crowd. "All right. Who here was surprised to hear that the trick was to saw somebody in half? Raise your hand!"
In the audience one lone hand went up.
"See that?" Andy, triumphant, turned around to face Pam. "The only one who didn't know was Vampire Bill—and he's the most clueless being in Northern Louisiana! What did ya think it was, Vampire Bill?"
Bill Compton, 170 years young, shrugged. An emo vampire, the smile on Bill's face, as usual, resembled a grimace more than anything.
"Ah thought maybe they'd pull a rabbit out of a hat."
Silently, Andy threw Pam a satisfied look. "See?"
Pam rolled her eyes. "Fine, Detective Andy. You were right."
"Thank you! 'Bout time somebody gives me a little credit around here."
"Bill Compton!" Pam called out to the vampire.
At the sound of Pam's sharp summons, Bill jumped and let out a slight shriek. "Eek!"
"Bill, what's the matter with you?" Pam snarled in disgust. "You've always been a terrible vampire. I suspected you were less than a man. Are you flat out a woman?"
"Ah'll have you know Pam, Ah have post traumatic stress disorder."
"How could that be? You only dated Sookie a few months," she joked and smirked at her friend, the blond telepathic barmaid who sat in the front row.
"Cute, Pam! Very cute! I thought y'all were doing magic, not a comedy routine." Sookie retorted.
"Ah, my lover! So you do speak!" Eric, smiling, glanced over at the telepath.
"Not to you, you Viking Bigamist."
"Sookie! Haven't I explained?"
"Please! Talk to the hand! In fact, just this finger!" With that, Sookie showed Eric exactly which finger he ought to direct all future comments to.
"You're being crass."
"You're being a cheater."
"I haven't done anything."
"But you're in negotiations! Ne-go-ti-ations! How 'bout I start negotiating a pre-nup...with Andy over there?" she said, pointing to the detective.
"Whoa...whoa...whoa! I like you and all Sook," the detective sputtered, "but I don't think I can meet your level of gettin'-your-freak-on."
"Ew! Ew! Shut up, Andy!" Sookie spat back with disgust.
"What're you angry at me for? You're the one who only dates vampires and animal-people!"
Sookie closed her mouth, drawing her lips into tight, straight line.
"Hey y'all," Lafayette called out from the stage. "Can we get back to the point of our night?"
"Excuse me, Lafayette," intoned Bill. "May Ah say something?"
"Sure Vampire Bill," Lafayette nodded. "Why not? Everybody else is. What's on yo' mind?"
"Ah'd just like to say mah post traumatic stress disorder was caused bah mah being a soldier in the Civil War, and not bah mah Sookeh. Ah love Sookeh and Ah would dah for her."
"Thanks, Bill," said Sookie. "I appreciate you saying that." She cut a glance at Eric. "Some people spread rumors that I'm difficult."
Eric rolled his eyes, while Pam smirked.
"You tell him, Sookie." Pam said, still smiling.
"Pam," Eric threw an angry look at his child."Not now."
"Fine." Pam bestowed a sullen glare at her maker before turning her attention to Bill. "Bill? Since you're obviously a fan of magic, would you please be our volunteer?"
Bill, silent for several minutes, surveyed the room as he debated Pam's request. The rustling of papers could be heard as audience members fidgeted with their programs. Several chairs were moved, scraping loudly against the concrete floor. A couple of yawns were also heard. Finally, after several long minutes, Bill had reached a conclusion. "Ah believe Ah could do that."
"Wonderful," replied Pam, rolling her eyes. "Let me call the press."
Bill, hurt by Pam's sarcasm, responded with his Angry/Constipated face.
"Bill, how do you do that?" asked Pam, sounding genuinely curious. "As pathetic as you are, you're still vampire. Somehow you manage to achieve this this look of absolute wretchedness, I could almost swear you were human."
"It's cos of that giant rod he's got lodged up his ass!" called out Vampire Andy. "Grandpappy hasn't had a bowel movement in 140 years and he still somehow manages to look like he needs a dose of ExLax!"
"Andy! Weren't you human a moment ago?"
"Yeah," Human Andy replied. "I'm still human. What's your problem?"
Bill frowned once more. "Nothing. Ah guess Ah'm confused." Glancing at everyone, he saw they were all watching him expectantly, even Sookie. "Fine. Ah'll be your volunteer," he said, with no small amount of bitterness.
Ah can't stand Pam. And Eric, he thought as he got up from his seat and made his way to the stage. Eric the Northman with his Longship and Swedish accent. Sweden! Ah bet Eric's been lain on more than all the Tempurpedic mattresses put together!
A few minutes later, Amelia, Pam, and Bill stood onstage. Amelia was showing off the interior of the magician's cabinet.
"As you can see, it's completely empty. There are no compartments. There's no place to hide."
Pam snickered. "Believe me, if there were, Jill here would find it in a heartbeat," she snorted.
"Oh, Pam," giggled Amelia. "Anyway, Bill, I'm going to ask you to get inside the cabinet. Put your head through the top opening; your hands through the side holes, and your legs down through the bottom holes."
"Got that, Bill? We know it's been a while since you've gotten any of your body parts anywhere near a hole, but you still remember the concept, don't you?"
Agitated, Bill turned to glower at Pam. "Ah'll have you know, Pam, Ah have a Very Serious Girlfriend named Judith."
"Oh, please! We all know you drove her away with your blah blah angstiness blah."
"Of course," Amelia replied guilelessly. "Detective Andy sent an email alerting everyone."
"You don't get the Safe Streets plaque by livin' with your head up your ass, Vampire Bill," called out Andy.
"Yeah, Bill," agreed Amelia. "Andy's got us all organized into a neighborhood watch, so when there's news, we all get it."
"How come Ah didn't know? Pam doesn't even live in Bon Temps!"
Pam smiled. "I signed up. I need a laugh once in a while." She stared at her maker and his 'wife'. "Things have been a little tense lately."
"Do not blame me, Pam," Eric called out. "Sookie's being difficult."
"Me? Are you nuts?" Sookie replied, aghast.
"No! It's you! You're being a terrible husband," Pam shot back. "You tell Freyda no. If she challenges it, you kill her. Why are you making it so complicated?"
"Hey, hey, hey!" Detective Andy called out. "No kill talk. Do I have to remind you vamps I'm a cop?"
"Yes," nodded Pam. "Why don't you introduce yourself? Like you did last time?"
Andy, baffled, had a half-thoughtful, half-annoyed look on his face; finally, once he realized what Pam was referring to, the annoyed look took over. "What the hell is wrong with you?" he scowled at Pam. "I was screaming out 'pig!' 'cause that maenad of yours had a pig! I wasn't doing it to introduce myself! Police officers don't go around referring to themselves that way!"
"Whatever you say, flatfoot," shrugged Pam.
All of a sudden Arlene called out. "Hey! I have to go home soon to feed my demon baby! Y'all think you could get this show on the road?"
"You said it, girlfriend!" seconded Lafayette.
"Thank you, Lafayette," Arlene smiled at her coworker. "By the way, I take back what I said about you and Jesus being a bad influence on the baby."
"Huh? Why's that?"
"Well, baby Rene was so busy practicing his little sashay walk y'all taught him, he didn't bite the heads off Lisa's Barbie dolls at all yesterday."
"That a fact?" asked Lafayette.
"Yeah," nodded Arlene. "I know a lot of folks would rather have their child be a serial killer over a gay, but I'm thinking I'd actually go the other way around."
"Thanks, Arlene." Lafayette shook his head. "I can't tell you what it means to me to hear you say that."
"No problem, Lafayette. I like the fruit basket on your head. Very colorful. Is it supposed to be like representative of that fruity-gay rainbow y'all love so much?"
"Shut up, Arlene."
Insulted, Arlene made an angry huff noise before sitting back down.
"Okay folks. With no further ado, here's the moment you've been waiting for," Lafayette announced. "Ladies take it away." With that Lafayette stepped down from the stage.
"Okay, so Bill's gonna get inside the cabinet," directed Amelia.
Everyone watched with interest as Bill climbed inside the cabinet.
"Bill, did you ever get that life insurance policy?" Pam was inspecting her fingernails as she posed this question.
"Just kidding," snorted Pam. "You're so gullible!"
"Anyway, as you all can see, Bill is now inside the cabinet" said Amelia. "His head —"
"Love the new cut, by the way, Bill," interrupted Pam.
"Thank you. Ah thought 140 years was long enough."
"Really?" said Pam. "I was about to nominate those sideburns of yours for a spot in the Smithsonian."
"Are you insulting me, Pam?"
"I don't know. Am I? I thought I was complimenting you. Maybe you don't know how to take a compliment." Pam winked at the audience, who chuckled in response.
"What's going on? Why's everyone laughing? Why're they laughing?" Bill unable to see with the spotlights in his face could only stare unseeing into the audience.
"Nothing, Bill," smirked Pam. "Everyone's just excited to see your magic trick. Anyway, as everyone can plainly see, emo Bill is now completely encased in the cabinet. His floppy head is here." Pam pointed to Bill's head. "His weakling arms here." She pointed to one arm. "His pasty legs here." She pointed to his legs.
"Pam, are all those adjectives necessary?" asked Bill.
"No," she shrugged. "But they're fun."
"Yeah, so," injected Amelia. "Now it's time for the magic. Pam, show everybody your saw."
Pam lifted a saw up from the floor next to the cabinet.
"So, are we gonna do a clean split down the center or a decap?" Pam asked the audience.
Asked their opinion, half the audience responded with "Center, center" while the other half were rooting "Decap, decap."
"Sounds like an even split," decided Pam. "Let's do a decap. It'll be more fun that way."
"Okay," Amelia agreed excitedly.
With that Pam took the saw and held it over Bill's head.
"Any final whines...uh, I mean words, Bill?"
"You know how to do this trick, don't you? Ah mean you practiced and everything?"
Pam fell silent. Most of the times she and Amelia were supposed to practice the trick, they'd actually wound up practicing other tricks. Or positions. Or practicing with new toys.
Had they actually practiced? Pam was certain that they had. Maybe.
"Bill, really. You were overpowered by a female and made vampire. You fought on the losing side of the Civil War. You lost Sookie to Eric, who is perhaps, the world's worst husband—"
"Pam, I'm warning you."
Pam rolled her eyes in response to Eric's threat.
"How much worse do you think your luck could possibly get?"
Considering, the angsty vamp quieted.
"Ah see your point, Pam. Perhaps you're right."
Pam smiled. "Of course, I am."
Without another word, Pam slammed the saw down straight through Bill's neck. His head—with it's slightly more stylish boy band haircut and absent it's century-old sideburns —fell with a loud thump and rolled along the floor to rest at her master's feet.
"Pam, you could've just apologized. No need to behead Compton."
"No, Eric! It was an accident! I swear!"
"Pam! Where'd you get that saw?" asked Amelia.
"That's not the trick saw!"
"Oh! You mean the saw we use makes a difference? I thought this one was nicer. See here? It's got a gold and red handle. Matches my pumps."
Amelia, wearing a tight-lipped smile, just shook her head. Everyone in the audience sat quietly. Finally, Arlene started to clap. A few seconds later, everyone but a few were clapping.
"What's wrong with you people?" asked Sookie, disgustedly looking around at her friends and neighbors. "They screwed up the trick! That was not supposed to happen! You're just cheered them on like they did it right!"
"Sookie Stackhouse, just because you were born with a God-given parlor trick, doesn't give you the right to poopoo other folks' attempts to learn new tricks. Sure these gals messed up, but we all mess up. I messed up datin' a serial killer. Then I messed up datin' the same serial killer a second time, and now I have a demon baby. You messed up by datin' Bill. Now you're datin' that fine hunk of vampire but you've messed up again because he's gonna marry somebody else. It's okay to mess up, Sookie." Arlene had gradually gotten teary-eyed as she espoused her theories on "messing up". Finally she wrapped her arms around Sookie in a hug.
Andy Bellefleur stood up. "Well, I'm gettin' the hell outta here. You vamps really need to get your shit together. I'm gonna pretend I didn't see this. As long as you stay here and don't move to Renard Parish, I'm cool with you all. But do not pull any of this shit in my parish. I'm lookin' to get the Safe Streets award again next year." He nodded seriously. "Anyone messes up my award is gonna have to answer to me."
AN: Is it me or is Bill's accent getting more pronounced? LMFAO…Did you see King Douchebag on True Blood? Kill Bill was nominated for a GiggleSnort award! YAY! See link on my profile to vote for Kill Bill! July 2 is the deadline for voting! Remember: A vote for Kill Bill is a vote to Kill Bill. :D
CREDIT/PROPS: To the wonderful ladies of Tangler - esp SeraG for the "Eye of the Tiger" suggestion! to Jan-of-Arc for magic show idea; storiesforevy for reminding me how much fun Andy's "pig" obsession was and for Bill's new nickname! LOLz. Latebreaking! Thanks to storiesforevy for her fine pimping! *blows kiss*
Snarky Sidekick/That Pam Contest: JUST DO IT! For more Pam inspirations check Kill Bill Ch 7 & 13.
What's in it for you? First prize is a CHARLAINE HARRIS signed copy of "Dead Reckoning."