Reflections by Sodoshiin

Warnings- ANGST ANGST!!! SAP!!!
Very depressing in first parts. I don't know what pushed me to write something like this. I'm a very happy person. ^_^ ;
YAOI YAOI YAOI YAOI ((d'uh, what ELSE do I write using this penname?))
C&C are welcomed and encouraged. ^_^
Flames will be used to make smores for Ifrit and his little minions. Thanks!
These guys don't belong to me!!! They belong to Square....lucky Square, gets most of the good game bishies. :p @ Square. o_O I wonder who Gackt belongs to... *gets evil ideas*






I was called by a dim light.
There was a fleeting memory of my dream
and the voice whispering.

The strings of the past are now fading,
and they show me the image of scenery I
could no longer see in a present time.

The image is you, here beside me.....smiling.

Yes....I remember it like it was yesterday.
You looked at me and touched my soul
deeper inside than anybody could.

The joy of sharing,
and that fateful encouter with you,
even out tender memories,
everything leaves me behind and vanishes into the light.

Within my fading memories,
still, I wanted to hold you once again..
I keep on shouting your name, so sad and painfully
until my voice withers.

"Where in the world do human beings come from,
and where do they end up?
My precious loved one, only you are missing...."

You dropped your eyes and you were shuddering,
and I wanted to embrace you with my very own arms.
I realized that I wanted to protect you,
in this whole world,
and only you.

I will vanish in a moment but still,
I do not want to let you go.
So sad and painful, the days you hold me,
I will never forget....


Translation of Sekai ~Story~ original song and lyrics by Gackt


Reflections-

"Why did you leave me......"
"I didn't mean to......I won't leave you again. I promise......"
"Yes you will.....I'll wake up and you'll be gone. I'll be alone again...."
"Can't it be real?.......Just this once?...."
"Just this once....this is the last time...no more dreams...."
"No more dreams......"


Chapter 1-


Squall


I watched the water rise and fall over the sand, running forward and back again, rythmic, mesmerizing like a slow heartbeat, almost comforting like warm arms.
It never helped to ease anything.
I'd lost.
Now there was only me.
For well over a year it had been that way.
It was the way things needed to be. I needed to be alone, people were just too painful.
I closed my eyes letting the ocean air blow strands of hair from my face with the grace of a loving caress.
The sand was damp and grainy on my bare feet. Waves surged up and splashed around my toes.
This was the only peace I could dream of now. It was the only kind I would accept.
It had gotten to the point where I couldn't even recognize my own face in the mirror anymore. The lifeless eyes, the pale skin, the thin body. When I saw myself I saw a stranger, who's cheekbones jutted from his face like someone who was dying. Which wasn't entirely a lie.
I was sick.
Sick because I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, only when my body gave out and it was either give in or die.
I didn't deserve death. There would be nothing there for me when I died. No one would be waiting. The one I longed for had never existed, so he had never died. He'd just gone away.
No, I didn't want death, but I guess I didn't want life either.
I wasn't depressed. It went beyond that.
Mourning.
Mourning was a good word for it.
Seifer....MY Seifer, had been gone for long over a year.
And something in me died.
It was still dying.
All the lonliness I'd ever felt before came back infinity fold.
Dad must have missed me terribly. I wanted desperately to be comforted, to be held like I'd never been able to as a child.
But I couldn't go home.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back and face the monster that was sure to be waiting for me. I didn't know if I would be able to muster enough courage to watch Seifer go back to hating me.
Or worse.
Not hating me...
Friends who were supposed to be lovers.
That's what had forced me to go in the first place.
Even with him I'd have to live without him...
At least this way I could hold back, I wouldn't have to watch him fall in love with someone else.
It made my heart sink an inch deeper every time I thought about it.
I turned and headed up the broken stone steps that winded back up to the orphanage. It was home, for now. It was condemed, or should have been. No one ventured here unless they were traveling elsewhere. I'd been visited a few time's by wary travelers. I'd even gone as far as to set up a spare bedroom in the lighthouse. When my body had been stronger I'd fixed the hole on the curving walls. It was cozy, but had only been used maybe four times in the past year.
Not that I minded being alone.
The wind pressed my dark blue jeans and stoney gray t-shirt against my frail body.
I felt old. Much older than twenty-six years. Every inch of my body ached.
If anyone knew where I was they'd done nothing about it.
I wanted to be alone. I didn't want any of them to see what he had become. I didn't want Seifer....the REAL Seifer....to pity me for what I was now. No, I wouldn't be able to stand pity from a man who was so much like the one I mourned for, but so different.
This Seifer probably hated me.
And I could accept that.
Sometimes.
Other times I cried myself to sickness, coughing so violently that blood surged from my lungs and fell in little droplets on the floor.
It was almost comforting, to know I was still capable of illness, that I was still alive.
I entered the wooden door and walked through, shutting it lightly behind me.
Empty, like always. The walls were an ugly brownish orange, the paint peeling and neglected for ten years or more. The floors were cracked and stained and creaked mercilessly as you walked over them.
The cupboards were bare.
I'd eventually go into town and shop a little.
Or that lady from the inn would stop by. She always seemed to know when I was at my lowest and took the opportunity to stop by. She was the only one who seemed to remember I existed.
Or cared.
In a way she reminded me of Hilde.
She'd come by once, when I'd passed out from sheer exhaustion and fever. She's stayed with me for a good three days until I was well enough to get around on my own.
There was a knock. Probably her.
I made my way to the other room and pulled up the door.
Sure enough, there she was, with loads of groceries and a helper with even more bags.
"How are you today Dearie?" she asked, patting me lightly on one pale cheek. She gestured to the man behind her who was struggling with the groceries as they blinded him, blocking his face. "Found a traveler who was heading up this way. Decided to bring him while I was visiting. I knew you had a spare room and the town's full this late in the season."
I allowed them to pass and watched as they disappeared into the kitchen.
"You look even worse than last time." the woman called from the other room as I began to take my own shoes off in the hallway.
"I'm fine Ginny." I replied, trying not to sound as worn as I was.
"You need to eat dear." she continued. "I swear, you get thinner and thinner every time I come here. You're going to waste away to nothing."
I headed for the kitchen when Ginny moved past me towards the door. "I'd love to stay and chat dearie but I have to head back. I'll come and visit again later in the week alright? Oh, and some gang has been making trouble in town. Terrorized Mr. Vahn's cows. Caused a ruckus at the pub. Just keep your eye out and stay clear of trouble alright?"
I nodded. "Thanks."
She just smiled and patted me on the cheek again. "And EAT."
"Hey, what about him?" I gestured toward the kitchen.
She shrugged. "Give him that room in the lighthouse for a few days. The truth is, we have a room at our place but I thought you could use some company. There's plenty of groceries for both of ya."
I just sighed. "Talk to you later."
"Bye deary."
The door shut and I headed to the kitchen.
"If I'd known you were the one she was talking about I wouldn't have come."
I stopped, my breath catching. I felt betrayed, not knowing by who, but someone hated me.
"Long time not see." Seifer called from the kitchen table, refusing to look at me.
I couldn't get my mouth to move. The thing I loved and feared the most in the world was sitting only a few feet away.
"Well." Seifer looked around. "So THIS is where you ran off to for all this time."
"Yes..." was all I could manage. I started busying himelf with putting groceries away. My hands were shaking, which was bad, shaking meant black outs. Black outs came often, leaving me sprawled on the floor with no way to tell how long I'd been out. At most they were a pain in the ass. Just another thing to deal with.
"You weren't gonna tell me about that little fling we had?"
I closed my eyes.
My hands clenched the counter tightly. I didn't know how he'd found out, someone must have told him. With the implants gone he wasn't supposed to remember a thing."Don't..."
"Don't what?" A chair roared across the floor as Seifer stood quickly, striding in my direction. "Did you think I was just going to let you run away without telling me?!"
"I didn't..." I was gasping lightly for breath as my chest began to ache. It was starting.
Seifer flipped me around, holding him with a hand around my neck, not enough to keep my from breathing, but enough to pin me back. "You fucking bastard! you just...." his words faded away and his face fell.
He must have finally gotten a good look at me.
Here it would come, the mocking laughter, the sneering, the pity. I was weak, and now he had proof.
His mouth moved by no sound came out.
I weakly flung the hand off my neck, knowing a bruise was probably already starting to form and braced myself against the counter as a dizzy spell hit me.
"Jesus, you look like a fucking skeleton...." Seifer managed.
"Let me by..." I demanded weakly, blinking slowly as my head spun. "I need to...go upstairs and lay down...."
My body must have begun to sway because Seifer was holding onto me by my shoulders.
"What the fuck have you been doing to yourself?"
"Doesn't matter....." I whispered, starting to feel heavy.
"Hey, I know you don't just waste yourself away for nothing."
"Please, just let me go......."
Seifer complied and I began to sink to the floor.
"Look." Seifer let out a huff. "I just need a place to crash for a few days. I'll stay in the lighthouse or something. But I don't want to see you at ALL." Seifer turned heal and walked out.
I sat on the floor, breathing deeply, trying to stay concious.
Why couldn't people just let me die in peace?


Chapter 2

Seifer and I kept our distance from on another for the next two days or so. For a little while I forgot he was even there, locked up in the lighthouse by himself.
I should have figured eventually he'd get hungry.
My cooking skills hadn't improved, both from lack of experience and lack of consumption.
I could hear Seifer hunting around downstairs for food.
I busied myself with folding laundry, but about half an hour later the most delicious smell I'd ever experienced wafted up the stairs.
My dormant tastebuds suddenly popped back to life and began to scream at me.
Damn Seifer and his gourmet cooking.
I swallowed the saliva that was beginning to accumulate all over my mouth and continued to fold.
I could fend for myself later.
I'd way until he's gone back to the lighthouse to avoid confrontation.
"Yo! Skeleton-boy! Come eat!"
I made a small noise, my body jumping in reaction to the loud shout.
I remained quiet. He'd eventually lose interest.
"I know you can hear me." his voice was more conversational now. "Come on, Twiggy, you look horrible. You need to eat something."
Well, FLATTERY wasn't going to get him anywhere.
My stomach started to growl.
Damn my body for teaming up against me.
The house was old, I imagined he could hear me moving around even before I'd gotten three steps away from the bed. I made my way down the stairs, my eyes aimed down at them as he watched me, leaning at the bottom of the stairway.
I brushed past him and looked around the kitchen. The table was set, the stove had been cleaned, heck, the kitchen looked cleaner. That wonderful smell was even stronger here.
He pulled out a chair for me and slide it back in as I sat.
I looked at my plate.
Seasoned chicken, brown rice with some kind of sauce, green salad with other vegetables.
It wasthe most beautiful display of food I'd seen in a long time.
I looked up as he sat down across from me. The chair squeaked a little under his form.
He started eating without looking at me.
I did the same for a while.
The food was a gift from God. Seifer's cooking abilities had only improved over time.
My fork was moving at a healthy speed, not rushing though, wanted to savor the taste.
Seifer was eating at the same speed, staring at his plate as he chewed, seemingly in deep thought.
He was exactly the way I remembered him.
In fact, he seemed healthier. Everyone must have been taking good care of him.
I smirked a little.
He looked more like the old Seifer.
And he was still beautiful.
The sadness and lonliness returned almost immediately. I looked at my food.
Seifer didn't want to be here, he would be leaving again...
"Something wrong with it?"
I looked back at him, shaking my head a little. "No, no....it's great.....thanks...."
"Yeah well, I didnt' want to starve." he told me. "And I guess I owe you for letting me stay in the room. Besides, you look like a small wind could blow you right apart."
"Did you know I was here?"
"What do ya mean?"
"Well..." I sighed. "When I came into the kitchen it seemed like you were expecting me...you didn't seem all that surprised or happy to see me.."
Seifer huffed. "Yeah, I mean, where else would you go. I got the impression you weren't all that happy to see me either."
"I didn't say that..."
"You didn't have to." the blonde replied. "No phone calls, no letters. Not even a get well card."
"You came here to yell at me?"
"Absolutely." Seifer scoffed. "You have everyone back in Esthar worrying the piss out of themselves."
"Well, now you know where I am and you've yelled at me." I eyed him. "Are you gonna go now?"
"Oh, I'm not done by a long shot." Seifer's eyes narrowed at me. "You owe me."
"For what?!"
"For ditching me with the Scooby Gang!"
"You could have left."
"Not without a chaperone wherever I went. It was a wonder I even got HERE without one of them tailing me." He blurted back. "Besides, where was I gonna go?"
"You can have my place."
"You're just gonna GIVE me you're place?"
"I don't need it anymore." I stood and brought my plate to the sink.
Seifer blinked. "So you're just gonna live here for the rest of your life?"
I sighed, feeling a headache coming on, closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead. "I don't know..."
"So.......you miss him?" He asked, taking his own plate to the sink and standing next to me.
"Who?"
Seifer shrugged. "You know....the other me...the one you had mad monkey sex with."
I glared at him. Subtle he was not...
Seifer scoffed and threw his hands in the air, suddently getting defensive. "Not my memories but I got 'em." He glared. "I was so brainwashed I made an easy fuck, didn't I?"
My hand flew, striking his face as hard as I could.
His eyes were wide in surprise, his face, turned to the side, his breath ragged. If I'd been healthier a blow like that would have knocked him to the floor. It still got the point across.
"Dont you EVER question my love for him!" I spat.
I was fuming, red hot anger boiling in me. I wanted to hit him again, hit him for not understanding, for betraying me even though he didn't know he was, for hurting me like no one else could.
And suddenly I was kissing him.
My heart told my head to shut up and go with it.
Everything at that moment revolved around that kiss. It was simple, just me pressing my lips to his, but for a brief second everything in the world was okay. I was complete again.
But soon it was all too much. I could feel my eyes start to unfocus and my knees buckled.
I gripped for the counter to steady myself as tears streamed down my face. My strength completely failed and I slid to the floor.
I coughed a few times, my hand over my mouth.
When I pulled it back, my fingers were coated in blood.
I sighed. "Not again..."
Seifer was crouching beside me, watching me. My eyes closed and I could still feel them, burning into me.
He'd probably hit me back eventually, but right now he just watched, watched me and waited.
Waited for what? I don't know...
He made a noise and stood, watching me for a few more moments.
Then he left. There was a draft as his body moved from mine and the sound of the door shutting.
When I opened my eyes I was alone.
I looked around. Light streamed in through the windows, birds chirped outside.
I stared, wanting to cry, wanting to scream, wanting to shake him and ask why...
But I just sat there.



Chapter 3-



I walked slowly up the stairs and to my room. I hadn't seen Seifer in a few days... he was hibernating again. I hadn't even spent fifteen minutes with him and I'd scared him off again.
Maybe it was better that way.
Sliding to my knees I opened the bottom drawer to my dresser, picking up a few shirts.
Under were the things i treasured most in the world, another ring, a picture with a frame, and a small box.
I took the box out and opened it, peering inside.
At the bottom sat a picture Selphie had taken. It was from the time we'd gone to the zoo. Seifer and I locking in an embrace, facing the camera. Seifer had his head down, as if he thought not looking at the camera could wish it away. He was smiling though. He was looking down at me, with my head against his chest, my arms wrapped around his waist. Half my face was buried in his neck, the other half glancing lightly at the camera.
Behind us stood the snow leopard cage. Only one cat was visable, glaring over Seifer's left shoulder. It was amazing none of the three figures had red eye.
Looking at the cat, not really knowing why it came to mind, I thought of Rufus. I wondered what had happened to him.
Quistis would have taken good care of him, so I didn't worry. I wondered if he'd remember me if I'd gone back.
I looked back at Seifer and for the one millionth time I appologized.
Appologized for being weak when he needed me the most.
For failing him.
For letting him leave me.
It was dark outside. He was asleep by now probably.
I hoped he would leave soon. I was torn enough as it was, I didn't need him to add onto it.
I heard a crash from downstairs and immediately stood, putting the picture back into the box and setting it on my bed.
I went to the doorway and peered down the stairs.
It was dark in the kitchen.
Seifer had probably gone for a midnight snack and crashed into a few things without turning the light on.
I headed down the stairs and sighed. "Next time turn the light-"
I was thrown against the wall and pinned there.
I could feel someone move past me and head up the stairs while my vision adjusted to the dark.
There were six of them, including the one heading to my room.
I didn't recognize them, nor did I want to.
These must have been the guys Ginny was talking about.
"Keep your mouth shut." the one pinning me, apparently the leader, ordered.
"There's no one else here." I assured him, surprised that my voice wasn't shaking. "And I don't have anything of value."
"We'll see." The leader gestured behind him. "Check in the other rooms."
I was turned just in time to see the man that had gone upstairs head back down.
He was brandishing the picture.
"Aw, isn't it sweet?"
"It's not worth anything, just, just go away, i don't have anything." I tried to tell them.
"Well, it seems to me that this has some sentimental value." The man holding the picture grinned lecherously at me. "I mean, lookit all the fingerprints. Old flame? You use the picture to jerk off?"
"You don't know anything." I spat at him.
I don't know where the lighter came from but suddenly the picture was on the floor, on fire, and the man laughed at me.
"No!" I dove for the picture but was grabbed but a number of hands, lifted, and pulled onto the table.
Two of the goons pinned me down while the other one began hitting.
After the first few punches my body started to go numb.
"Hey, there ain't nothin' here." One of the man huffed.
"You're kidding me." The leader growled. "There has to be something."
The man hitting me had stopped, grabbing my chin into his hand. "Where's the goods?"
I didn't reply. No matter what I said they wouldn't believe me, so what was the point....
He hit me again.
For once I wished I could just black out.
Instead, everything numbed. I couldn't feel, I couldn't taste, I couldn't hear, couldn't move, couldn't blink...all I could do was see.
The man on me was yelling, but I couldn't hear him.
I could see the two others behind him, laughing.
I could only stare and watch as the leader pushed him aside and brought out a small, sharp blade. His mouth moved, but I still couldn't hear.
The two that held me were grinning down at me.
They were going to kill me.
There wasn't anything else to take....
And for a moment it hit me.
It didn't matter, I had nothing to save myself for...
The leader's face was contorted with obscene glee as he moved the blade of the knife towards my neck.
Then one of the goons in the background was thrown backwards by a force I couldn't yet see, all of them turned.
The chest of the man on me seemed to explode.
Blood rained on me.
The body landed on mine, but I couldn't move to push it off.
One by one they fell.
Then there was nothing.
All I could see was the ceiling and the top of the head that had landed on my chest, both horribly blurred to the point where I could hardly tell them apart.
I still couldn't move.
Then the body was gone, and there was a form above me.
As my senses slowly began to return I could feel a hand on my neck, checking for a pulse.
My vision cleared a little and I saw Seifer, hovering above me, blood splattered and pale faced, gunblade in hand.
His mouth moved, but I still heard nothing, nor could I move to reply.
He seemed to sense this and moved to pick me up....no...I wasn't lifted, just held....cradled like a child.
Then my body gave out and I fell into blackness.
I was dimly aware of hands on my body in midsleep and for a moment, even in my subconcious, I panicked.
But these hands touched me differently.
They smoothed over my brow and gently caressed my face.
A dream.
They were too familiar to be real, and the only one that had ever touched me like that was dead...
I suppose it could have been Seifer, the real Seifer, but my heart told me it was him....MY Seifer....and it ached.
It ached because my head knew it wasn't real.
It was strange, that my head and heart had agreed on something.
They both wanted it to be real.
But soon the touches ceased and I was left dormant.
I longed for those hands to return, but prayed they didn't.
Then all sense left and I returned to other dreams.



Chapter 4-



I was staring up at a spiral staircase, the sun shining in through small windows alone the cylinder shaped walls.
The sounds of the ocean, the water, the birds, with wind, echoed outside.
I was in the lighthouse.
My head turned weakly to the side, trying to get bearings of my surroundings and found that I was on the bed along the side of the wall.
The door sat a few feet away, and if I'd had the strength he could have gone to it.
At the moment I couldn't even lift my head.
I was alone.
I felt nothing. Not numb, just nothing.
For the first time in as long as I could remember I was comfortable.
The door opened from the outside and a figure, Seifer, stepped in.
His clothes were flecked with spots of white, some larger than others. A faded gray bandanna covered his hair, another around his neck, which was pulled away for one to assume he'd had it over his face.
He didn't seem to notice I was awake and began to remove his clothing, tossing, first his shirt into a pile on the hay, followed by the bandanas.
He started to work on his pants when I went to clear my throat, realizing that my voice seemed to have disappeared.
So I closed my eyes instead and pretended to sleep.
I heard a rustle of more clothing and a few moments later I felt a hand brush against my forehead.
I opened my eyes slowly, seeing he looked slightly surprised at my response.
"Welcome back." he smiled slightly. He was clothed now, in a blue work shirt and a pair or light colored pants.
I managed to return it with my own slight upward lip curve.
He seemed to accept that. "How long have you been awake?"
"Not long..." I replied.
His hand remained on my forehead. "Your fever's gone. How do you feel?"
"Comfortable."
He smirked a little.
"How long have I been here?"
"About a four days." he told me.
"You smell like paint." I told him.
"Yeah, I'll tell you all about that later." He watched me. "Are you hungry?"
I nodded.
"Good." he seemed happy with that and stood, walking to the other side of the room with his back to me.
"Seifer?"
"Yes?"
"What happened to them?"
He looked over his shoulder slightly, not questioning who I was talking about. "Don't worry about them....they won't bother you ever again."
"You killed them?"
He sighed. "A few got away."
"I didn't think you cared." I told him weakly.
He turned abruptly and faced me. "How could you even-" he sighed, looking at the wall. "I couldn't just let them..."
A change of conversation was in order before I got him angry. "....Food?"
He nodded and walked to me with a plate.
"...mm......fruit..." I gave a small smile.
"Yeah," he told me, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I've been heading into town almost every day for the past week and a half. Fresh food is a must."
He popped a piece of apple into my mouth and watched me chew. "Okay?"
I gave a slight nod.
"So who were they anyway?"
"Some goons Ginny....the lady that brought you in, was telling me about...." I sighed. "Looks like we won't have to worry about them anymore..."
"Are you sad I killed some?"
"No....not really...." I sighed. "It's just..."
"You wish I'd let them kill you?"
I looked at him, blinking. "I didn't say that." But I wasn't sure WHAT I meant....for a moment, his words seemed to make sense.
"Man, what the hell happened to you...."
I didn't reply. He already knew.



Chapter 5-



I was under Seifer's care for all of maybe three days. During those he'd disappear for a few hours, within which I mostly slept, and return for food or just to check on me.
One afternoon he helped me out of the bed and helped me back toward the house.
I was pretty confident I could walk on my own, but I didn't say anything. I liked being this close to him, even though I knew I was just teasing myself. Still, it didn't keep me from imagining it was MY Seifer I was with, and that he was taking me someplace special...
I was half right.
The house looked great.
The walls were clean, painted to an inviting light blue. Everything had been polished until it shone. The floors had been scrubbed so clean I could see my reflection it them.
I just stared there in awe. "You did all this?"
"Didn't have much else to do." He shrugged. "There's still more that has to be done but I think it's good for now."
I walked farther into the room and looked around. "It's great!"
"I thought it could use a little touchup. Might make you feel better if you don't have to look at that fugly wall color every morning."
I nodded.
Then I stared.
On the table sat the burnt remains of the picture. The blackened pieces were settled together as if it had been a puzzle someone had tried to put together.
More than half of it was gone.
I walked forward, touching the ashy surface of one piece, part of where my Seifer should have been, now only a dark smear of yellow and blue on the black.
My head bent, my eyes stinging.
"It was all I had left of him...." I whispered, trying to picture the face that had once been there. The smile I had seen millions of times.
I couldn't see it. And the parts i remembered were fading from my mind.
Maybe someone was trying to tell me something. Maybe that it was pointless to hold onto it anymore.
And it made sense.
"I tried to save as much of it as I could..." I heard him sigh sadly.
"Thank you..." I told him quietly. I turned, looking at the floor. "I suppose you're going to be leaving soon?"
"Tonight." he replied.
I winced. I hadn't expected it to be so soon. But I supposed seeing as how it was inevitable and that he'd only stayed to make sure I was alright there wasn't much choice. "Alright."
"All my things are packed." He added. "I can leave whenever."
"You should probably head out soon....try to get as far as you can before it gets dark..."
"Yeah, I was thinking that....." I knew his eyes were aimed somewhere else. He probably felt guilty for having to leave me again. "Will you be alright on your own?"
I nodded, turning and offering him a smile. "I've done alright on my own so far."
"Squall...I-"
"It's alright." I assured him. And it was. For the first time it was alright that someone was leaving me. Something in me was telling me what to do, and it had to be done with no one around. "Go ahead. Everyone's probably worried about you."
He looked at me for a moment before nodding. "I'll see you again?"
"Of course." I lied.
He watched me for a few moments, as if expecting me to say more. I didn't.
"I'm sorry...."
I was silent.
He went back to the lighthouse to collect his things.
He said goodbye one more time before he left. Asking me again if I wanted him to stay.
He couldn't stay.
It wasn't right for me to keep him here.
When he left I walked upstairs and turned on the shower.
There's a saying that you should let the ones you love be free. I don't know how that pertained to me. Seifer was free. I did love him. But he wan't mine to keep in the first place. There was nothing I could do.
I didn't think much as I stood under the flow of the water.
I walked out with a towel around my waist and collasped onto the bed.
I didn't allow myself to cry, or think.
I drifted, not really sure of where I was going.
It was over.
And I just stopped caring.






Chapter 6-




This chapter is completely narrative. Just letting you know. Squall's POV wouldn't have had the same effect.



"........no more dreams......."



He opened his eyes slowly and saw a face watching him. It said nothing, Squall said nothing.
He was standing. He didn't know how he'd come to be standing, but he was.
The vision was Seifer, he knew. It was always Seifer. It would never be anyone but Seifer.
Squall closed his eyes, his lips set in a straight line, his throat tense as he fought the painful tightness that constricted his chest.
He could feel Seifer's fingers drag lightly down the side of his face, brushing a few loose strands behind his ear. Soft fingers traces the outline of his ear. Warm breath fanned his cheek, a brush of a body aginst his, so warm, so familiar.
Fingers entwined in his hair again and he was pulled closer by another that splayed at his back.
Soft lips met his cheek and he realized that a single tear had fallen from the corner of each of his eyes.
His arms went carefully around the body before him, one resting over the blonde's left shoulder, the other wrapping under his right arm.
The fingers in his hair continued to stroke the skin behind his earm while lips continued their gentle ministrations to his cheek.
I love you, Squall changed over and over in his head, only half realizing his voice was echoing the words in a soft whisper.
Then suddenly, he was falling backwards onto the bed, his head hanging half off the side, Seifer landing on him almost roughly.
Squall's mouth was claimed almost instantly, the hands that had been carassing him so gently moving until one was holding his head, the other resting on his shoulder.
Squall reveled in the kiss, soft lips on his own, the full chest resting on his.
The brunet opened his mouth slightly, allowing Seifer entrance inside.
It had been so long. So heartbreakingly long.
Squall thought he might die from the overwhelming fluxuation in his chest.
He could feel Seifer pull away slightly but refused to open his eyes. He didn't want to wake up from this perfect dream. He didn't want reality to set in and find himself cold and alone in his room.
Even with his eyes closed he knew Seifer was watching him. His neck arched slightly, his chin moving up searching for the mouth. It was so close he could feel the warm breath on his lips, feel the eyes still watching him.
Noses brushed.
"Squall......." a voice called softly. "....open your eyes...."
Squall made a pleading noise, his fingers pressing against the skin of Seifer's chest. The heartbeat under his fingertips was too real, too strong, too alive to be a dream.
But he didn't want to chance it. He'd been tricked before, so many times before.
"Squall, please open your eyes."
Reluctantly, cloudy grey eyes half opened.
The vision of Seifer continued to hover above him, lips so close and glistening.
The thumb along his shoulder stroked carefully against his soft flesh.
The emerald eyes gazed down at his, searching.
"Why did you leave me?" Squall's voice was almost a whisper. His eyes held a sheen of tears over them. The fingers against Seifer's chest curled slightly as if just trying to hold onto the dream a little longer.
"I didn't mean to." The hand in his hair moved, brushing strands of chocolate hair from his eyes. "I won't leave you again. I promise."
"Yes you will." Squall's smile was sad. "I'll wake up and you'll be gone. I'll be alone again....just like every time...."
"Not this time." Their noses brushed again. The body above him let out a deep sigh. "I promise."
Squall fought a sob. "I want to believe you.....I want to so badly...." He gripped onto the vision almost frantically. "I don't want to wake up. I don't want to lose you again...."
"Squall....this is real...."
"It's never real..."
"Can't it be real?" Green eyes pleaded. "Just this once?"
Squall closed his eyes again. "I don't know how...."
The face brushed against his again, the hande stroking comfortingly. "Let me make love to you..."
Squall nodded, moving into the carress of lips against his temple. "Just this once....this is the last time...no more dreams...."
"No more dreams." the other agreed.
There was a moment of mild shifting. Squall's legs were carefully moved apart as a body settled between them.
The brunet felt a tingling in his spine. It was so real, what a perfect last dream.
When he woke up the next morning, that would be it. He would end it. There wasn't any point anymore.
He had to thanks his subconcious for giving him such a loving and merciful goodbye.
There was no better way to go.
The vision was moving into him with the gentleness of a feather.
Squall felk the sorrow that had been building up in him for so long suddenly leave him. It was good. He didn't want this moment to be spoiled by absolutely anything.
The vision rocked gently, slowly.
Their eyes locked, their faces only a breath apart.
Hands remained firm but gentle on the back of his head and his shoulder. Fingers stroked lovingly.
Squall allowed himself to be swallowed into all of it. This moment was his.
"I love you...." he began chanting again, his voice barely audible even to his own ears.
"Mmm....Seifer...." Squall closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around the vision's neck.
The movements quickened at a steady pace, the muscles in the back of the one atop him flexing and shuddering with every movement.
Squall's toes gently stroked the soft calves that rested in between his legs. His mind recalled everything, every detail. The feel, the scent, the warmth, it was all the same. All as he remembered.
Squall felt like mourning again.
Instead he came.
The vision followed immediately afterward.
Grey eyes remained closed, wanting to cherish the moment for as long as he could.
Neither moved.
The vision was looking at him again, he could feel it.
His eyes opened without being asked this time.
"Don't leave me..." he pleaded, his hand running over Seifer's face.
The vision gave him a beautiful, sad smile. "I'll never leave you again."
Squall closed his eyes again, his mind growing fuzzy.
He was waking up...
The last thought of his subconcious was that dreams tend to lie....



His eyes opened.
It had taken him a while to fully wake up, but there he was, sprwaled on his stomach on his bed, his face aimed at the wall, his body tangled in the sheets.
The sun shone through the window.
Seifer was gone.
He wasn't coming back.
He'd gone back to Esthar the day before. All of his belongings were gone.
He was alone again.
Reality flooded at him and he remembered what his plan was for the day.
No more dreams, no more pain.
Nothing.
It was time to end things....
He stood carefully, not bothering to slip any clothes on, and headed for the bathroom.
There were things he needed to do before the end of the day.
Then he could rest.
He figured he should write a letter to his father, maybe send him back the ring. He'd had it ever since the explosion in the Presidential Palace. It was rightfully his father's. He didn't know why he'd kept it in the first place.
He looked at himself in the mirror.
For some reason he didn't look as pale as he usually did.
Maybe he was getting better.
A little too late for that.
He splashed some water on his face and sighed, letting it drip dry for a moment.
It's the last thing I have left to do...
"Good morning."
Squall jumped, his blood freezing ice cold as he felt arms circle around his waist and a chin on his shoulder.
"Sleep well?"
Squall looked up at the mirror, his eyes wide.
Cat green eyes peered over his shoulder, looking at him through the mirror.
"You alright?"
"S-Seifer..." Squall's mind was a blank as he tried to comprehend what the hell was going on. "What are you.... I thought you'd be in Esthar by now..."
Seifer blinked. "I know.... I came back. Don't you remember? Last night?"
The brunet's mind flipped. "Last night. That was real...."
Seifer blinked. "Of course it was."
Squall backed up against the sink. "Y.....you used memories that weren't even yours to get me in BED?!"
Seifer's eyes went wide. "I had to make sure....Squall, ever since I've been getting these memories I've been confused as hell....I wanted to see if they were real."
The brunet shook his head. "No....wasn't real....This can't be either. The real Seifer wouldn't have.....we wouldn't........he forgot everything..."
The emeralds warmed. "Well I didn't...."
"You're not him!" Squall pushed the blonde even farther away and pressed himself against the sink.
"Squall!"
"You USED me!" the brunet spat. "Did you like it Seifer? Was it GOOD for you?!"
"Listen to me..."
"No! They took him away from me!" Tears streamed down the thinner man's face. "Why?! We weren't hurting anyone..." Squall looked at the wall, his body shaking, his voice quieting. "They used him to get at me, to get at my father.... when it was done they just took him away...It was- it was like they killed him..." He let out a sad laugh. "The implants....everything that wasn't real was removed...I guess none of it was real...He would have left me anyway.....he would have forgotten when the programming wore off...." He looked up. "You want to do me a favor Seifer? Forget. Forget everything."
Seifer moved closer to him, holding onto his shoulders. " Forget? Forget the way your hair smells? The way your skin feels? The way you say my name in bed-"
Squall wretched out of his grip, garing at him. "Those aren't your memories! I don't know how you have them but you've done nothing to deserve them. And if you're going to use them to hurt me, or manipulate me, you've got another thing coming."
"Squall-"
"Stop!" Squall closed his eyes once again, trying to wish Seifer away, to wish he could be alone again. "It's driving me crazy....."
"Honey..."
"God, please don't." Squall's eyes tightened even more, trying to block everything out. He wanted to wake up, he wanted to be alone. He wanted Seifer to go so he could just die and get things over with.
A hand touched his face. "It's okay baby, I'm here..."
A tear fell down Squall's cheek. "Don't play with me.......please...it hurts too much...."
"Forget what's it's like to watch you sleep, to feel so complete. To want to die every time you smile just to know I'd die happy?" Seifer's voice broke. "You want me to forget all that?!"
Grey eyes opened slowly. Seifer was standing so impossibly close, his eyes watching intently. But they were different. Not Seifer's eyes at all.
Seifer opened his hand and Squall stared down at it, speechless. Griever. The ring Squall had given him after he'd....
Squall's eyes flooded. "You can't......how?"
"They could only take away false emotions. It took a little while for the memories to come back but they did. " the blonde smiled sadly. "I came here to find you. I hoped you were alright.....that you still loved me....Even then I didn't completely understand what I was feeling.....not until you kissed me....but I knew, I knew it was right...And now I know why..."
A hand came up and touched the blonde's face. Squall was looking at him intently, searching....
"Squall, it's me.....I don't know any other way to prove it to you..." He rested his head against the brunet's, his own eyes starting to tear. "Don't make me go?"
Squall threw his arms around Seifer's neck, clinging to him like a vice. "God, I thought I lost you forever..."
Seifer held him tightly, rocking him, crying. "I'm never going to leave you again. I swear it."
He felt Squall relaxing in his arms and picked him up, carrying him back to the bed.












Owar- oh wait a minute ^_^'





Three Months Later-



Fujin looked at her watch and sighed. "What time did he say the train was supposed to be coming in?"
"Half an hour ago." Laguna sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "I still don't see why we all have to be here."
"Guy disappears without a word and just calls up out of the blue, 'Oh I've got a surprise all you guys need to pick me up'." Selphie huffed. "Jerk. This had better be good."
"Maybe he's bringing back a girlfriend." Irvine shrugged, his arm around Selphie's waist. "I mean, he HAS been gone for three months."
"Don't SAY that!" Selphie frowned at him. "You KNOW how I feel when people say stuff like that."
"You cold?" Kiros asked, putting his arm around his fiance protectively as the wind picked up a little.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm okay." The president nodded. "I just wish he'd hurry."
Zell paced back and forth near Quistis, who sat on a bench with Ellone and Ward. "This had REALLY better be good..."
Irvine's head perked. "I hear a train."
"That had BETTER be him." Fujin muttered. "I swear, one of these days I'm gonna beat him over the head. If there's no good reason why he dragged us here that day will DEFINATELY be today."
"Can we tie him up?" Selphie chirped.
"Hey." Irvine pouted.
"Alright people, let's just find out what this is about." Laguna sighed as the train began to slow up to the platform.
The groups stood and waited impatiently as passengers began to file from the train.
"There he is." Ellone pointed and waved as the blonde appeared at one of the departing points.
Seifer saw her and waved a little back, smiling. He had his carryon hefted over one shoulder, his sunglasses perched on his face.
He stopped on the platform and waited, even as the group came forward to greet him.
"Come on Seifer, we don't have all day." Zell muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Seifer help up a finger and turned back toward the train. He was speaking to someone inside but it was too dark to see exactly who.
"He DID bring someone back...." Irvine blinked in disbelief.
Selphie pouted. "That so unfair...."
Laguna sighed "He's allowed you guys. It's been almost two years. He deserves to be happy."
"And maybe it's just a friend of his." Kiros added. "Don't just to conclusions.
A woman departed from the train, clad in a skimpy red skirt and black top. Her blonde hair was tied back in a braid. She smiled as Seifer as he helped her off.
The group stared.
"No way...." Quistis muttered.
"Just a friend?" Laguna eyed Kiros. "LOOK at her."
"Yeah, look at her running to her boyfriend." Fujin smirked as the woman from the train rushed into the arms of another young man who'd been waiting at the platform.
The group watched the two embrace.
"Aw...." Irvine giggled. "Aren't they cute?"
"Oh my GOD!!" Ellone gasped, running forward. "SQUALL!!!!"
"HOLY SHIT!!!!" Zell sprinted after Ellone.
The brunet made a small noise as the two attacked him, almost dragging him to the ground.
"Hey!" Seifer warned, half laughing, half hissing. "Be careful, he's still not in the best shape."
Too late.
The rest of the group was already crowding around the brunet, pushing in for hugs and greetings.
Laguna and Kiros remained behind, watching.
Kiros stared at the group before looking to Laguna.
Laguna watched, his mouth open a little, his eyes unblinking.
"I thought we'd never see you again!" Selphie sobbed happily, hugging the young man around his neck as he picked her up a little off the ground.
"I missed you too Sel." Squall laughed, setting her down again, only to have her be replaced by Fujin. "Hey Fu..." He smiled warmly at her and hugged her tightly. He looked over her shoulder, his eyes locking with his father's.
"Dad..." he managed, his eyes starting to sting.
Fujin let him go and watched as he walked toward the other man.
Kiros watched, smiling at the young man. "Welcome home."
He hadn't even gotten halfway through 'home' when Laguna launched himself at his son, gripping him in a giant bear hug.
Seifer smiled as father and son embraced, both crying happily.
"Jesus Christ where the hell have you been?!" Laguna demanded with a joyous laugh.
"It doesn't matter anymore, I'm home." Squall told him. "I love you Dad."
"I love you too." The president smiled down at his son.
"GROUP HUG!!!" Selphie cried.
"Uhm...I'm already feeling the love, I think I'll stay out...." Kiros laughed lightly.
"Be careful of him!!!" Seifer ordered, glaring over the tops of his sunglasses and striding toward the group.
He put his arms protectively over Squall's shoulders from behind and glared at everyone else as they'd stopped in midglomp.
"He's still recovering. You can manhandle him later." The blonde said, kissing the brunet lightly on the cheek.
"You're giving them PERMISSION?" Squall laughed.
"Hey come on Seifer, you've had him all to yourself for three months." Ellone giggled.
"Two and a HALF." Seifer corrected, still eyeing over his sunglasses. "Anyway, he's still MINE."
"I wanna hear ALL about what happened." Fujin grinned.
"Yeah, let's go home." Kiros laughed.
"Gha!"
Seifer blinked, watching as Ward picked up the young Leonhart in a bearhug similar to the one his father had given him, only the brunet's feet weren't touching the ground.
"Oh, hey Ward." Squall returned the hug and was properly placed into the waiting arms of Seifer who glared at the big man.
"Remember, I said CAREFUL."
"Oh I'm not gonna break, Seifer..." Squall told him, wrapping his arms around his lover's neck.
"I suppose you want me to put you down then?"
"Didn't say that..."
"Thought so." Seifer arched his eyebrows as kissed him. "Love you."
"I love you too..."





~Owari~








I'm doing it again!! Got inspiration for another section to this little diddy I've been writing. Look for it soon. The next installment to my little Squall x Seifer....thing....yeah.....dunno what I'm gonna call it though ^_^' again it will be based on these two fics. I'm figuring it will be in between the lengths of the two fics. Heck, what do I know. I haven't even started writing yet. ^_^' It's gonna be MUCH less angsty though. Hello, it's gonna have a four year old kid. Okay, think, Chibi Quatre. Scary ne? O_O. JA!!! ^^
Again, if you have any comments you can also get to me using my e-mail sodoshiin@japoness.com also check out my site www.angelfire.com/sodoshiin Ignore the banners -_-' I post frequently on my livejournal. Link on my site. My AIM screen name is Sodoshiin (are we sensing a pattern here?)