I don't own these characters or profit from them.
Phineas and Ferb: The Best Fic Ever
By, Clayton Overstreet
Outside the sun was beating down. Buford was sitting under a tree in his yard with a carton of eggs. Every minute or so he would pick one out of the carton and toss it on the sidewalk. It landed, sizzled. Then Buford scooped it up and ate it. Briefly he paused to look at you. "Yeah, I'm eatin' sidewalk eggs. Wanna make something of it?"
Phineas and Ferb were sitting on the couch. Candice came in and glared at them. "Okay, mom and dad are at work, so I am in charge. Tell me what strange thing are you doing today that I'm going to have to bust you for?"
"Nothing," Phineas said sadly.
"Didn't you already do nothing this summer?"
Phineas sighed. "There's nothing to do. It's too hot outside. According to the radio it is probably the hottest day of the year. The water from the public pool evaporated."
"Yeah. Even Perry hasn't wandered off," Phineas said. He pointed to where Perry the platypus lay on his pillow face first in the air conditioner vent.
"So you guys are doing nothing?" She frowned. "That's just so… wrong." She looked at them suspiciously, but then shrugged and wandered off.
"She's right Ferb," Phineas said. "We shouldn't just let a little sunshine stop us from having the best day ever!"
"Well we can't go outside," Ferb said. "We're out of sunblock and I burn easily."
Phineas sighed. "I called Isabella, but she said the only thing to do today was watch TV." He paused and then picked up the remote control. "I guess we haven't done that in a while." He turned on the television and began flipping channels. "It is kind of sad that the people on TV are having more fun than us."
Candice peeked back in, seeing if the boys were up to something. "Wow, you really are just watching TV…"
"Huh, that's weird," Phineas said. "I thought this was Fairly Oddparents, but the drawing is off."
"Oh I've seen this one," Candice said. "It's the movie where Timmy wishes himself inside TV and travels from channel to channel." She gave the boys another look, but then her cellphone rang. "Hey Stacy. No, not doing anything…" She walked out again.
Phineas blinked and said, "Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!" He got off the couch and Ferb followed after him.
Meanwhile Perry's pillow beeped. Taking a peek around he put on his hat, opened the A/C grate, and slid inside.
When he popped out into his secret base Perry was covered in ice and shaking. He handed in his chair and the ice fell to the floor around him.
"Agent P," the Major said. He was sweating heavily. "We've gotten word the Doofenshmirtz has recently bought thirty seven satellite dishes. We don't know what he's doing with them but you know it can't be good. So go out, find out what it is, and stop him."
Perry threw him a salute and then hurried out of the room.
"Carl find out why the platypus gets air conditioning but we don't."
"We had to use parts of ours to build the secret entrance," Carl said. "Budget cuts, sir."
In Doofenshmirtz's tower he was just putting the final bolt on a huge ball of satellite dishes when a laser began cutting through his wall. It cut out the parfect shape of a platypus with a hat. Perry stepped inside.
"Perry the platypus! Isn't this unexpected…" He smiled and pulled out a remote. "By which I mean totally expected!" Pushing a button suddenly a white spray labeled "Marshmallow Fluff" hit Perry. A moment later he was encased in a giant marshmallow.
"Ha! Now you are trapped and there is no way out!" He jumped down and rubbed his hands evily. "And there is no way for you to foil my latest brilliant plan!
"You see Perry the Platypus, I was watching TV when I heard that this was the hottest day ever. Nearly everyone in town has nothing to do but stare blankly at the boob tube. So what I have done is rented a place on public access television to broadcast a mind control ray that will turn everyone who watches it into a mindless zombie obedient to my will.
"Unfortunately nobody watches publix access televition, so I have had to built this!" He pushed another button on the remote and the ball of satellite dishes rose into the air on a giant hook. "This will allow me to control all of the remote controls in town and force everyone to watch nothing but my broadcast! In one hour I will have it affixed to the lightning rod on top of my building! From there its beam will cover the entire tri-state area!" He winked. "Pretty ingenious huh?"
Perry made his little growling sound.
"You can complain all you want, but with your beak there's no way you can eat your way out of that marshmallow! There is no way for you to stop me!"
Phineas and Ferb set up a large machine in the livingroom and aimed it at the television. Ferb was putting in a few circuit boards while Phineas looked over the blueprints. "Okay Ferb, with this machine we should be able to travel in and out of the television broadcasts as if they were parallel worlds! We'll be able to do everything the guys on TV do!"
Ferb gave him a thumbs up. With a flip of a switch the machine began to hum noisily.
"Alright then let's go on a journey through the wonderful world of television!" The machine sent out a beam which digitized the boys and sent them into the television set.
Phinease blinked as he was reconstituted and looked around. There were flashing lights and a huge stage. "Where are we?" Ferb pointed to a logo in the corner. "Oh we're on MTV!"
Suddenly Bowling for Soup took the stage. Without hesitating they began playing and started singing, "This could possibly be the best fic ever! Though tomorrow someone will probably write one a million and six times better! So-"
"Wait!" Phineas said. "Sorry guys, but this is a fan fic story so the author can't pay you any royalties for a new song."
The lead singer said, "Oh. Well then come on guys, let's pack up." They gathered their instruments and left.
Phineas sighed. "Too bad, that sounded like it would have been a good song. Oh well. Ferb use the remote to change the channel." Ferb stared blankly at him. "You didn't bring the remote control?" He shook his head. "Then how do we control where we go? And how do we get out of here?" Ferb shrugged. "Uh oh…"
On his roof Doofenshmirtz was attaching the satellite dishes. "Now I just have to adjust this so that it goes to the right channel." He looked down to where he had put Perry's marshmallow prison. "This shouldn't take more than an hour Perry the Platypus…" He grinned. "Not that you have that long. Int his intense heat that marshmallow prison will expand and eventually consume you! The irony is great, don't you think?"
Perry glared up at him.
Doofenshmirtz turned back to the contraption. "Let's see now." He connected some wires. A wave of television controlling beams spread out across the city.
Phineas and Ferb were surprised when the channel suddenly changed. They found themselves on a roof with a man who was disarming a bomb. He looked up at them and stared. "Oh this is just perfect. What are you two kids doing up here?"
"Well we were trying to have the best day ever… hey aren't you that guy from that vampire movie?"
"No, my name is Jack Bower! I just spent the last twenty three hours and forty-nine minutes trying to track down this bomb and now if I don't disarm it half of this city will go up in a ball of fire! So get out of here!"
"Actually while you were talking Ferb already disarmed the bomb," Phineas said. They turned and saw Ferb holding a pair of wire cutters and a bundle of wires.
Bower sighed and stood up. "Great, just perfect. Let me tell you kids, I think I'm going ot retire… this has been one really crappy week for me." He turned and walked off the roof.
The channel changed again.
Ferb pointed up. Phineas looked at the large green sign. "Hey, we're on Seasame Street!"
Big Bird came around the corner. "Hey kids! Me and Snuffleufagus were just on out way to count donuts in the store window! You want to come?"
Phineas and Ferb looked around. Phineas asked, "You and who?"
Big Bird motioned to the air next to him. "He's my best friend."
The boys held their hands up protectively. "Okay…' They started to back away and bumped into a garbage can.
It opened up and a furry green thing stuck its head out. "Hey! Watch it!"
A little kid came running around the corner. A second later the Count came behind her and pounces. "Vun! Vun victim! Ah ah ah!" He wrapped his cloak around the girl and flew up into the sky.
"What was that?" Ferb asked.
Big Bird said, "Oh he does that every month or so. Why do you think a vampire has a castle located in an inner city?"
"A crummy town, freaky muppets, big birds that see things nobody else does, and now a vampire," Phineas said. "No wonder Kermit and his friends moved out of here." He turned to his brother. "Ferb I'm beginign to think that going into television may not have been the best idea we've ever had."
The channel changed again.
Isabella was watching TV at her house. "I wish I could go see Phineas today, but it's too hot." She glared at her remote as the TV changed channels again. "Darn it, what is wrong with this thing?"
Phineas and Ferb suddenly appeared on screen. They were in a dark futuristic hallway with flashing lights overhead. "So Ferb, do you have any idea how we get ourselves out of being stuck in the TV?" Ferb shook his head.
"Phineas? Ferb?" Isabella reached out and tapped the screen.
"Where are we now…" Phineas looked around until he saw the logo. "Oh we're on the sci-fi channel!"
Suddenly a huge alien queen reared up behind them, her jaws dripping as she let out a hiss. Isabella squealed and pressed up against the TV. "No! Get away from them you b-" The channel changed again.
"Boy that was a close one!" Phineas said. They were standing in a small boat in the middle of the ocean. "Well it looks like we're on the Discovery channel now. This should be nice and safe. Maybe if we wait here they'll even put on one of those shows with a fully functional lab so we can undo this whole mess." Ferb reached into his poket and pulled out a TV guide. "You have this but you forgot the remote?"
"I only have one pair of hands," he said reproachfully.
"You're right, sorry," Phineas said. He flipped through the guide. "Huh, what do you know? It's Shark Week!" Suddenly finds filled the water around them. Big fins, larger than the boat. "Uh oh…"
"Yeah and then she said… hold on Stacy, I have a call on the other line." Candice said. She pushed a button. "Hello!"
"Phineas and Ferb are trapped inside the TV!" Isabella screamed.
"What?" Running out of her room and downstairs Candice saw the machine in front of the TV. "I knew they were up to something!" She looked at the television. Phineas and Ferb were riding on dolphins while sharks chased after them. "Oh that's just perfect!" She pushed the button on her phone again. "Stacy, I'll have to call you back." She then dialed her mother's number. "Mom! Turn on the TV!"
"Candice what's this all about this time?"
"Phineas and Ferb are on TV! I mean in the TV. I mean… just turn it on!"
"Honey, is this like the time you said the boys were racing cars?"
"No! Really mom! Phineas and Ferb built a machine that…"
"Oops, sorry Candice, I have a customer. I'll listen to you later, okay sweetie?" She hung up without giving Candice a chance to answer.
"Darn it!" She stared as the channel changed and the boys were suddenly snowboarding down a mountain.
"Yahoo!" Phineas yelled.
"That is so unfair," Candice said. "Wait, if they're on TV…" She picked up the remote for the TiVo. "Then I can record them!" She pushed a buttom. Nothing happened. "Stupid remote!" She tapped it against her head. "Wait, I think dad still has an old VCR up in the attic!"
Isabella spoke into the phone. "Candice? Hello?" On the screen Phineas and Ferb were being handed gold medals while the credits rolled.
A promo came on. "Next on the extreme sports channel! Do yu want to see broken bones? Do you want to see blood! Then stay tuned for bull riding! Where people are guarenteed to get maimed!"
"Ah!" She hung up the phone and raced outside. Hopping on her bike she rode out to the street and down towards Phineas and Ferb's house.
"Okay and with this last connection…" Doofenshmitz was saying. He wiped his brow and looked up. "Man it's hot, I'm sweating like a pig up here!"
Down below Perry's beak was sticking out of the marshmallow and nothing else. But while Doofenshmirtz was working his sweat was trickling down. It landed on the marshmallow and began to disolve it.
Candice was staring in shock as she found the VCR. "Betamax?" She looked in the box next to it which was full of VHS tapes. "No!"
Isabella flipped through her Fireside Girl's handbook. "I… I…. Interdimensional physics! Here we go!" She looked over the machine and checked the book. "Okay everything seems to be hooked up." Candice came downstairs looking dejected. "Candice, where's the remote control?"
"I don't know," she said. "Didn't Phineas and Ferb take it with them?"
"No! I think that's why they're stuck in there."
"Oh! You mean they can't get out?" She stared at the TV.
Phineas and Ferb were being backed into a corner by twelve angry bulls. The announcer was saying, "Hey, aren't you to a little young to be rodeo clowns?"
"Yes! Yes we are!" Phineas yelled. "Get us out of here!" The channel changed. The boys were now on an airplane. "Well this is slightly better."
"I'm not so sure." Ferb said. He pointed up to the carry-on luggage. Dozens of snakes were crawling around in it.
Phineas frowned. "You know, I have had it with these (beep) snakes on this (beep) plane!" He paused. "This movie must be rated R."
"Mom's going to kill me!" She jumped forward. "Quick, check the couch cushions!"
Isabella helped her look. A second later she came up with it. "Found it!"
"So what do we press to get them out?"
"Uh…" Isabella didn't know. She moved in front of the TV and began pushing buttons. "It's not working!"
"Mom keeps spare batteries in the kitchen!" Candice rushed off, bumping the machine on the way.
As Candice was digging through the drawers Isabella was hitting the remote and did not notice the machine powering up. Finally Candice said, "Found them!" She held up the batteries triumphantly. A beam shot out of the machine and in a flash Isabella disappeared. "Oh fudge." The channel changed again.
Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella found themselves sitting on a cliff looking over the clear blue ocean. "Isabella, what are you doing here?"
"I was trying to help you. I um… I brought the remote. But it's not working."
"Really? That's strange. Mom just changed the batteries in it last week. I wonder if something might be jamming the signal."
Isabella looked around. "Well this doesn't look like a bad place."
An old woman came riding by on a bike. "Oh hello there."
"Hello ma'am," Phineas said. "Can you tell me where we are?"
"This is Cabot Cove, Maine," she said. "I'm Jessica Fletcher. Sorry I can't stay and chat, but my nephew is visiting and I have to get home." She rode off.
"Wait, I know this show…" Isabella said.
"So we're in Cabot Cove, have just met Jessica Fletcher, and her nephew is visiting. And we're strangers in town."
"We are so dead," Ferb said.
Doofenshmirtz suddenly felt the pole wobble under him. "What the…" He looked down and saw Perry nscrewing the bolts holding the lightning rod in place. "Perry the Platypus! How did you get out?" He looked down and saw the line of sweat dripping off his face and leading down to the now half-melted marshmallow. "Oh I see… you know I probably need to learn to stop gloating…" The last bolt came loose, allowing the entire lightning rod, dish-ball, and Doofenshmirtz to plummet from the building. "Curse you Perry the Platypus!"
"Ferb did you have to get into a fight with her nephew on top of everything else?" Phineas asked.
"He rubbed me the wrong way," Ferb said.
"Uh guys…" Isabella said, tugging on Phineas's shirt. They turned and saw a large dark figure with a knife.
"Isabella, try the remote again!" Phineas said.
"Which button?" She asked.
Ferb reached over and pushed EJECT.
Lying in a heap of broken sattelite dishes on the sidewalk Doofenshmirtz sighed and looked up at the clear blue sky. "Well, at least I wasn't struck by lightning." Suddenly the lightning rod was hit by three dfferent strikes of lightning. A charred Doofenshmirtz stared up at the sky and yelled, "Oh come on! That wasn't even likely!" Another bolt hit him. "I'll shut up now."
Candice was pacing back and forth in the kitchen. "Oh man, when mom gets home she's going to wonder where the boys are. And when I tell her she'll think I'm crazy! And when they don't turn up suddenly everyone's going to blame me, the crazy sister! They'll say I killthem them and buried them in the yard somewhere. I'll go to prison, Jeremy will marry someone else, and I'll die miserable and alone while they make a lifetime movie of the week about my decent into madness and how I murdered my brothers!"
Suddenly there was a bright flash of light from inside the livingroom. "Hey Candice! We're back!"
She ran in. "Phineas! Ferb! You're alive!" She hugged them to her.
"Yeah," Phineas said. "Thanks to Isabella!"
Isabella blushed "It was nothing."
Phineas said, "Well thanks anyway. You saved our lives." He gave her a peck on the cheek. She sighed and fainted, a huge smile on her face. "Hey, where's Perry." The platypus in question came walking by. "Oh there you are Perry!" He reached down to pet Perry. "Ew, he's all sticky! Ferb, for the rest of the day we're giving Perry a bath."
Ferb appeared to pull two pet shampoo bottles out of the air and twirled them like a gunslinger. Phineas picked up the platypus and the two of them walked out of the room. As they stepped out Ferb said, "I think we should write a letter complaining about how much violence there is on television."
"Doesn't anything ever phase those two?" She paused. "Wait,t hey still left this big machine in the middle of the livingroom! Yes!" Outside she heard her mother's car pulling up. "Yes!" She rushed outside to drag her mother in.
Isabella woke up, her eyes fluttering. Still smiling she stood up, but as she did she banged her head on the machine. "Ouch!" The machine moved slightly and began making the hummong sound. Isabella ducked just as it fored off and the beam reflected off the TV screen, bouning back and hit the TV. The machine vanished in a flash of white light. It reappeared on G4's "Effing Science" just in time to be blown into little pieces.
"See mom! It's right there in the middle of the livingroom."
"Hello Isabella," Lyndana said.
Isabella smiled. "Hello Mrs. Flynn."
"Would you like a snack?"
"Sure." They walked into the kitchen. As she went Isabella set the remote down next to Candice on a small endtable.
"But… but… but…" Candice said, staring in shock at the TV. With a sigh she muttered, "Aw to heck with it." Picking up the remote she aim'ed it at the TV and turned it OFF.
My other two Phineas and Ferb fics were crossovers, so why mess with a winning formulae? Besides it is a bit of a tradition with these kinds of shows. Fairly Odd Parents, Teen Titans, Kim Possible… a lot of cartoons involve people getting caught in television. Besides, them meeting the guy from 24, getting caught in Shark Week, etc… just seemed like fun.