I stared through the thick window as heavy rain poured from the open sky. The drops ran down the glass, making it seem as though I wasn't the only one who was about to break down into tears. The more I watched, the stronger the want grew. I wanted to go out, to play in the sky's tears and let them mix with my own.
But I wouldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to let the world see how much it has got to me. Wouldn't let him get the satisfaction he so desperately wanted.
As I thought about him, and the night he tore my heart out of my chest and made all the tiny pieces he left of the shattered thing completely stoned and hardened, the memory that I wished would get erased from my mind flashed before my eyes as though it was happening once again.
It was just after nightfall, and I was asleep. I was sleeping deeply, and my bedroom door was open. Though my sleep was heavy, I heard his footsteps on the wooden floors before he entered my room. My eyes fought against opening, while my mind realized that something had to be wrong.
I listened closely to his footsteps as they grew louder, until they ended. I could feel his presence there, next to my bed. Finally, my brain won the fight and my droopy eyes opened.
As I studied his form, I quickly registered the fact that something wasn't right. The lights were off, but I could make out his tall figure in the inky darkness. His stance wasn't normal, usually he stood tall and proud, but now his back was hunched and he was slumped over. Making it look as though his height, 6'5 and more then a head taller then me, seemed to be cut in half.
Before I could say anything, or even let out a gasp of shock, he jumped onto my bed, trapping me between it and him.
"What the h-" My confused words were cut short by his hand getting slapped across my mouth.
"Don't speak, don't scream, don't move." His voice slurred with the words, and I could smell alcohol on his breath.
I tried to look him in the eyes, to see the emotion on his face, but the dark completely coated everything. I couldn't see, only feel and hear. His legs pinned mine, and one of his hands held both of mine over my head, the other still stapled across my mouth.
"Do you understand me?" I nodded to his drunken question.
"Good." He murmured and moved his hand from my mouth. It slid to my cheek and caressed it. It rested there for a second, and slowly it began to move down. My eyes popped open in shock as he cupped my breast. He had never touched me this way, so forcefully. My brain still didn't comprehend what was happening until his hand slid farther down, thumbled with the end of my shirt, before it continued its way back up my bare chest, to cup my now exposed breast.
"No." The word escaped my lips as a whisper. "You can't."
"Shhhh." He muttered, as he began kissing his way down my neck. He let go of his hold on my hands to allow himself to travel down my body freely. I didn't move, didn't make a noise, until he traced the rim of my pants with his fingers.
The shock wore off then, and immediately my mind kicked into gear. I sucked in a breath, and screamed as my limbs started to wildly thrash and kick.
His figures disappeared from the lining of my pants, but only to connect with the side of my face. The sting of his slap shocked my movements.
He balled a fist of my hair and pulled. "Didn't I tell you not to move?" He growled in my ear. Still with my hair clenched in his fist, his hand traveled down, though this time he managed to yank off the clothes that covered my bottom half.
I don't know why, but I did not beg for him to stop as one of his knees forcefully pried open my legs, didn't plead for him to quit as he forced himself in me.
I did not try to fight him, partly because a side of my brain knew I couldn't win, couldn't get away, understood the fact that he was stronger then me and accepted that, while the other half was still in complete shock. I laid there and let him have his way. I didn't care anymore, about anything. It was useless. I felt the pain, both physical and emotional, and I let it consume me.
I trusted him. I trusted him with my life, and that was a mistake on my part. I didn't, and still don't, understand what I did. What did I do to deserve it? I did nothing to him, but gave him my love, hope, and trust. He was the thing I lived for. The one thing I could easily open up to. Why did he betray that?
He laughed as he exited my room. The laugh was demonic, not one ounce of the man I knew showed through that laugh. He left me there, broken, hurt. I did not realize you could feel the thing in your chest break until I felt it for myself.
Three days I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't bother to drink. I stared into space completely numb. That is the feeling I wish I could get back. The numbness. I miss it. The sad thing, no one noticed. They didn't realize something had to be wrong with me, none of my family. Eventually, I ate slowly, bit by bit, and moved, only doing what had to be done. I forced myself to put on a smile. To be happy and cheery. A perfect facade that no one saw through.
That is how I ended up here. Currently sitting in a motel room not even a mile from the beach, with family bickering constantly. Do I want to be here? No. Why am I here? I have no clue. If I could disappear, would I? Yes.
I immediately snapped from my back flash to the present time and place as I heard someone creak open the old door that led into my room of the motel.
"It's rainy. We chose the exact wrong time to come to the beach. You think it will be like this all week?" I looked from the window to my mother.
"I don't know." I answered her question. "It has been so far, maybe it will clear up by tomorrow."
"I hope so. We got away from home to get away from the rain. Seems like everywhere we go it follows!" She flopped down on the Queen sized bed that I was sitting on.
"I like the rain." I said absently, back to staring out the rain streaked window.
Her response was a simple grunt as she buried her head into a pillow.
She irritated me. My mother. I easily got fed up with her, but every time she came around, I couldn't help but remember the old her. The woman I missed with a pain that seared through my heart.
"You know what, Mom?" I muttered to her. "I'm going to go walk to beach a little while, I'll be back soon."
She uncovered her face to give me a look, "In this weather?" She looked at me as if I was insane. Then again, maybe I was.
"Okay, but don't blame me when you get a cold." And she covered her face back in the pillow.
I got up from the bed, and moved mechanically as I grabbed my shoes and shoved them on my feet. I opened the door to the motel room and didn't stop walking until I felt the hard gravel road turn into the fine step of sand.
I was absorbed by the ocean almost immediately. The sound of the waves crashing engulfed me. The beauty of the blue-black water seemed to draw me to it. As if I was metal and it a magnet. The way the off colored sand oddly contrasted the ocean, but at the same time it seemed right together. All of it instantly put me at ease. Something I had felt none of for so long until that moment.
I walked toward the dark water until I was a few feet from where the tide came in. The rain still poured down steadily, making my light brown hair stick to my face and my clothes cling to me. I didn't mind it, though. I loved the way the water soaked me, as if it was cleansing my soul.
Then, suddenly, with shock realization, I noticed someone else was there. A man, of maybe 16, was standing close enough for me to hear him cough, but far enough that I could not make out the expression on his face as he stared intently at what I had been a second ago. I glanced around. We were the only ones. It was deserted as I had expected. Though, I did not expect him to be there. Curiosity lingered in the back of my mind as I questioned this strangers motives. Why was he here? It was raining, and no one in their right mind would be out.
The rain had drenched him also, and his clothes stuck to him, his brown hair draining down his face. I wondered if he knew I was there, watching him. He seemed as absorbed by the raging water as I had been.
Why was I thinking so much of this stranger? The thought cut into my mind as if it was a razor blade. Was it pure curiosity, or something more? Why did it suddenly seem as though I wasn't alone in the world?
Then, as if he could hear my questioning thoughts, his head turned to me. His brown eyes locked on mine. Something about them hinted that he was just as deep in thought as me. I could not look away from his gaze.
He began to close the distance between us. As he walked, I was screaming at myself to move, though I didn't. I couldn't, I was still froze by his beautiful puppy dog brown eyes. He stopped a few feet from me, not too close, though he wasn't as far away as he had been.
The realization that I had been staring at this random stranger struck through me, and I broke the eye contact and took a few steps away from him.
"It's okay." I could hear the smile in his voice. "I'm not going to hurt you. My name is Andy." He introduced as if he was able to read my entire past by just looking at me.