I own nothing. Just an idea I had a long time ago. Finally decided to write it out. Hope you like. Will be details of self-harm and Sam/Cas loving! Enjoy!
"I'll be back Sam," Dean said grabbing his coat.
"Where are you going?" I asked watching him leave.
"Going to get some food," he said rolling his eyes, "Don't worry. I won't forget your salad."
"Funny Jerk," I said glaring at him.
"Bitch," he said leaving.
Once I heard the Impala leave I reached into my duffle bag and pulled out a knife. I rolled up my sleeve and looked at the other cuts lingering on my lower arm. I hated myself every time I did this, but I couldn't stop. I had already tried.
It had been years that I had been doing this. I've almost been caught a few times, but somehow I always convinced Dean and Dad that nothing was going on, that I was perfectly fine.
Now I couldn't stop myself. I waited for a moment alone just so I could feel this. This moment of feeling pain and relief and happiness. The longest I had gone without this knife was three months.
Three months of doing nothing to myself. I couldn't though. I couldn't do it with that voice in my head. As weird as it sounded when I was around thirteen this whole thing was the worst.
I could barely go five minutes without doing something to hurt myself. One day a voice came in my head. He said that his name was Cas. For three months he would talk to me.
Those three months were the best and I didn't hurt myself once. I was so happy. All happiness comes to an end though. There was nothing special about that day in anyway.
I woke up and said good morning to Cas like I usually did, but I never got a reply back. I spent hours sitting there trying to get Cas to respond to me. School came and pass and there was still no answer.
Dad came in and asked why I didn't go to school. I couldn't say anything. I was terrified at that point. The only thing I was concerned about was talking to Cas and he had left me.
Soon Dean was sitting next to me doing everything he could to get me to talk. I couldn't though. I couldn't make my mouth work that day. Dean and Dad left me alone after about two hours.
When I was alone I ripped through my bedroom until I found a knife. I cut myself worse then I ever had thinking that maybe Cas would come back, but he never did. Not once since have I been able to bring him back.
Looking back down at my arm I saw ten new cuts. Some deeper then others, but I was just glad I could cover them up without Dean being suspicious. I couldn't let him find out.
I heard the Impala pull up and ran to the bathroom with the knife. Dean came in the room banging around and talking with someone. He had brought someone with him home. He hadn't done that since he came back from Hell.
"Sam," Dean yelled banging on the door, "Hurry up. I have someone for you to meet."
"Be out in a second," I said trying to slow my breathing.
This was the closest I've come to being caught in awhile. Now I had to go out there and pretend everything was alright. Pretend that Dean had never made that deal so I could just be dead.
After wiping down all the blood and hiding the cuts I walked into the main room and looked at Dean. Dean was sitting on the bed staring up at a man dressed in a business suit and a trench coat.
As Dean introduced us I couldn't help but think that I had met this man before. That was impossible though. Castiel was an Angel. I was lucky that I was meeting him through Dean.
While Dean talked I couldn't help but notice that Castiel was staring at me. His eyes held so much sadness and love. That look made me want to run in the opposite direction.
I continued to stare at Castiel until he left. There was something familiar about those eyes. About that voice. They were so familiar, yet so different. That was so impossible though.
"Sam," Dean said throwing a pillow at me.
"What?" I asked confused.
"I've been calling you for like five minutes Dude," he said slowly, "Where were you?"
"Thinking about the hunt," I lied quickly, "I still don't know what we're after."
"We'll figure it out in the morning," he said calmly, "Get to sleep."
Nodding my head I climbed into bed and laid there. I waited until I knew that Dean was asleep before I got out and walked outside. I sat down on the ground in front of the Impala and sighed.
I was coming to the end of my rope. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this charade up. It was getting harder hiding everything from Dean and I didn't want to hurt him when he found out.
Rubbing my hands across my eyes hoping to push the tears away I got up and stared up at the sky. The stars were being covered by thick black storm clouds. It looked like it was about to rain at any moment.
Sam. What are you doing out here?
"Nothing," I said turning expecting to see Dean.
When I was fully turned I saw that it wasn't Dean. In fact, no one was standing there at all. I started to shake my head thinking I was going crazy. I was hearing voices again.
Shh. You're not crazy.
"Then where are you?" I asked confused.
I can't show you yet. Don't you remember me?
"Cas," I said gasping.
"You left me," I said getting angry, "Why the hell are you here now?"
I had to leave. I didn't want to leave, but I had to. You must believe me.
"I don't have to believe you," I said shutting my eyes, "Get the hell out of my head. You'll just leave me again. Just leave now."
I'll be back Sam.
"Don't," I said knowing it was too late.
For all the time I knew Cas he wouldn't leave me when I asked him too. Now he was saying that he hadn't wanted to hurt and leave me. I wasn't sure what I was going to do now.
I wanted to have Cas here, but I didn't at the same time. Having Cas around always made me feel calm, like I truly belonged. Although now I was just scared of what would happen.
Getting up I walked back inside and laid on the bed again. I needed some sleep. At least an hour or two. That's about all the sleep I had been getting for years now. I had been popping sleeping pills for so long that they barely worked now.
I let my eyes slip shut and I tried to let sleep consume me. It was hard to have my brain stop thinking. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I could never relax completely knowing what could happen.
Every time I closed my eyes I could see my own death. Over and over I died at my own hand. Okay, well sometimes I had someone else kill me I just never stopped them when they came close.
Once I was finally able to fall asleep my dreams were plagued with the same things as normal. Death and destruction seemed to have my whole life in its grips and wouldn't let go.
There were even times when I questioned if I wanted it gone at all. It was weird, but this was my life. I was so used to having these feelings and thoughts that I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't have them.
I didn't know how much would change when I got rid of these stupid thoughts. Losing everything that I had worked so hard to keep and preserve was the last thing that I ever wanted to do.
"Come on Dude," Dean said throwing a pillow at me, "Castiel wants us to meet up with him after we eat."
"Yeah," I said blinking awake.
"Did you fall asleep in that?" he asked staring at me.
"Yeah," I said shaking my head, "Felt lazy last night. Just wanted some sleep."
"Okay," he said staring at me, "Go change and we'll get some food."
"Sure," I said grabbing my bag and going into the bathroom.
Closing the door I tried not to punch the door. Dean knew something was wrong with me. He couldn't find out anything about this. He'd hate me when he saw how fucked up I was.
Are you sure about that?
"Cas," I said gasping, "You're still here."
Of course I am. I said I would stay.
"You left once already," I said bitterly, "Why would I believe anything you say?"
Sam, I didn't want to leave you. I had to.
"Yeah," I said rolling my eyes, "Someone told you to leave me when I needed you and you knew it."
There are some things I can't tell you yet Sam. Just believe me when I say that I never wanted to leave you like that. And yes, someone did tell me that I had to leave you. That I had to let things get this bad. It was very important. Now hurry. Dean needs you.