Title: All for Want of Someone to do the Dishes

Author: Amber

Rating/Type: PG, Slash, Very AU

Characters: Erestor/Sauron (Marion)

Disclaimer: The character's are Tolkien's; I am just borrowing them.

Summary: Erestor refuses to acquire servants for his mate.

Note: Written for Slashy Santa's Valentine exchange.

Request: Sauron/Erestor, Crazy humour. Sauron poking his tongue out and saying, "Nyah,nyah, nyah, nyah." Strong, sarcastic characters. AU. NO: angst, unhappy ending, weak and girly Erestor.

Valinor, Time of the Trees:

"You are out of your mind," his friend Laurefindel told him. "I mean, yes he is beautiful, but what else does he have in his favor."

"Believe it or not, he is an excellent cook," Erestor began as he defended his choice of a mate. "I like his conversation also. He has such an interesting view of life. He is not the best of Aulë's Maia when it comes to making things, but he is great at fixing and modifying anything he touches."

"But doesn't he always follow Melkor?" he tried again. "You know there is something fishy about that Vala. Why would you want to be involved with one of his minions?"

"Marion is a follower," he began to explain. "I try my best to keep him away from Melkor but they have a long history together. He is also headstrong and not used to not being in charge of his own affairs."

"Are you not contradicting yourself there friend?" Laurefindel wanted to know.

"I made it clear when he agreed to my suit that I would be the head of the family," Erestor commented. "He really has no problems with that, but he does not like the division of duties. He will learn."

"I think you are expecting too much and will have your heart broken," came his friend's assessment.

"Oh, I know it won't be easy but I expect to win eventually," was all he would reply.

Days after the darkening of the trees:

"Marion, where do you think you are going?" Erestor shouted as he saw his mate leave their house.

"Melkor wants me to come with him," Marion replied. "He said I could be his Lieutenant. And he won't make me do the dishes. He said I could have servants for that."

"Oh give me a break," Erestor shouted back in frustration. "Our place isn't big enough for servants, and the dishes don't take that long."

"It ruin's my hands," Marion shouted back. "Besides, Melkor says doing the dishes is beneath me."

"Marion," Erestor warned. "You are being childish. I have told you before he is a bad influence. He always leads you into trouble."

Marion wavered as he considered what his mate was saying. He really didn't want to leave but he was tired of doing the housework. Maybe if he left, Erestor would give in and hire him a maid. Smiling to himself, thinking he could win this way, he turned and headed north after Melkor.

"Marion," Erestor said in anger. "Don't make me come after you. You're not going to be able to sit when I catch up to you."

"Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, you can't catch me," Marion stuck out his tongue and tossed over his shoulder as he fled across the sea.

"You are one of the last I expected to see with us Erestor," Alatáriel said as she walked beside him.

"I have to go save my mate from his fool self," he replied in disgust. "He is going to be so sorry when I catch up with him."

"You will find and retrieve him although I figure he will not give in easily. It may take you some time," she said back with a smile. "Your ambition in marrying him surprised us all."

"You will understand when you mate little one," Erestor smiled in a dreamy way. "He has the best legs."

"Give it up girl, he is hopeless," Laurefindel said as he came up to walk with his friends. "He has been this way ever since his bonding night."

End of First Age, Eönwë's tent:

"I have been told you have captured my errant mate?" Erestor said as he barged into Eönwë's tent. "Where is he?"

"Good morning to you too, Erestor," Eönwë said as he looked up from his maps in surprise. "Yes, I have Sauron."

"Don't call him by that jerk's name for him, he is Marion and I have not given him permission to change his name," he snapped back in anger. "Where?"

"You know he has to return and face the Valar for punishment?" Eönwë said gently to calm Erestor. He had always watched this match with fascination and was curious as to what was going to happen now.

"If there is anything left of him when I am done, they can have him," he fumed. "All I want is ten minutes alone with him."

Eönwë was not sure it was a good idea but signaled one of the Vanyan guards to take Erestor to his mate. He watched from across the way as Erestor entered the tent. He wasn't in there more than five minutes before Sauron was fleeing out the back and across the camp. 'Oh well, he thought, we can catch him again later.'

Second Age, Ost-in-Edhil:

"Marion," Erestor shouted as he saw his mate walking towards the House of Mirdain.

"I go by Sauron now," the tall beautiful Maia answered.

"You will always be Marion the beautiful to me," Erestor said as he tried to get closer. "It is time to end this, come home to me."

"Have you hired me servants yet?" came the hopeful answer.

"What do we need servants for, you destroyed the house," Erestor answered in surprise.

"I want servants," Marion said with a stamp of his foot. "I will keep this up until then."

"This argument is between us, not all of Middle-earth," he snapped back. "It is wrong to drag them into this."

"Oh, this is just me continuing Melkor's plans," came the answer. "He left me directions as to what I was supposed to do if he was captured, and paid me in advance for my services."

"I told you he was bad. How dare you flaunt my wishes for his? When I get my hands on you…" Erestor stuttered in anger.

"You have to get your hands on me first," came the taunting answer. "If you don't acquire maids for me, I don't come home. Besides, I like being in charge."

"You call this mess in charge?" Erestor asked. "This is a disaster."

"So hire servants to clean up," Marion said as he turned and left.

Erestor turned in anger and stalked back to Elrond's camp. He was not going to give in and hire servants. Marion could throw his temper tantrums, it wasn't going to work.

End of Third Age, Imladris:

"Erestor, it is time to end this," Glorfindel said as he came upon his friend brooding in a corner of the garden.

"I do not know if I can," came the tired reply. "Things have gone so far. I never planned this."

"Do you truly believe he is totally evil now?" Glorfindel wanted to know.

"Something inside of me says he isn't," he said. "I truly think everything has gone beyond him. I hope with all of my heart that this is a case of evil building upon its self because of the taint in Arda. I don't want to believe this is all Marion's doing."

"But what if it is?" came the hard question.

"I have to go and see," Erestor told him. "Elrond has given his permission as long as I do nothing to interfere with the quest. He was rather shocked when I told him the truth of Sauron and my history."

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asked. He would do anything to help his friend for he knew Erestor would not survive Sauron's destruction. He truly loved the Maia.

"No, your place is here. Elrond will need you in the time to come," Erestor answered with thanks in his voice. "I will leave in the morning."

"Sauron," Erestor called as he climbed to the top of the tower. He had not been stopped even though the place was crowded with orcs and other unsavory characters.

"Erestor?" came the surprised cry from the top. Then the door opened to admit the Elf.

"Oh, my love," Erestor began as he saw the changes in his once beautiful spouse. "Look what you have done to yourself. It is time to end this and go home."

"You still want me? After all I have done?" the red eyeball shape asked in an unsure voice.

"I still love you Marion," he said as he tried to reassure his love. "Come. I know you will have to stand for judgment before the Valar but I will be with you and stand by your side. I will go with you where ever they send you."

"You will," Sauron said as he began to hope for the first time in years. Everything here had gotten so out of hand. He knew he didn't even control things anymore and just wanted to go home.

"I will even hire you a maid to do the dishes," Erestor said finally giving in.

"What are we waiting for?" Sauron said as he abandoned his eyeball personality and headed back to Valinor with Erestor in his arms. "I get to redecorate the house after the Valar are through with me."

Behind them, the forces of evil grew confused as the presence that had always bolstered them vanished. The tower crumbled and the volcano exploded as the force that had controlled and kept them fled in joy. The forces of Good would never know that their victory was not from Frodo destroying the ring, but from Erestor's promise to hire a maid to do the dishes.