I don't own twilight. Moving on.
NOTE: This is insanity at its finest. This is me, Jo, being a total and utter smart ass. Thank you, Kortney, for giving me the prompt for this madness. There are only two rules in this Twilight Alternate Universe, 1 – Tanya is a crack whore and will be beat up at least once in this exercise, and 2 – Emmett is a midget and doesn't know it. All else about Emmett stays the same, now he's just about two feet tall! Rock on, Emmett! This is all pre-Bella. Oh, and this will also be written like a sitcom script.
Welcome inside my brain!
[Rose sits on the couch reading a book]
[Enter Emmett, who has just come in from a hunt.]
Emmett: Hey Rose, whatchya doin?
Rose: Isn't it obvious?
Emmett: I guess, if you want to be all obvious and crap.
[Rose rolls her eyes]
Emmett: Hey, is Eddie home?
Edward (from somewhere else in the house): Don't call me that!
Emmett: Come and make me!
[Edward runs into the room]
Edward: I would, but I'm afraid I might break you.
Emmett: Yeah, right. Try me little brother!
[Edward crosses his arms over his chest and glares down at Emmett]
[Emmett crosses his arms over his chest and glares up at Edward, about two inches in front of him]
Edward: Emmett, you need help.
Emmett: The only one who's going to need help when this is over, is you.
[Edward begins to walk away]
[Emmett springs from his place, crashing into Edward. Their crash sounds like boulders crashing as Emmett tackles him, miraculously, to the floor. Emmett starts wrestling with Edward, pinning him to the floor. Unfortunately for him, he's too light so he gets flipped onto his own back and Edward sits on him, leaving only his head and limbs sticking out from under him.]
[Rose never looks up from her book]
Edward: You were saying?
Emmett: Well, if you're going to cheat and use your powers, this is just no fun for the rest of us.
[Emmett rolls his eyes dramatically]
[Rose rolls her eyes]
Emmett: Rosie, I'm horny.
[Edward jumps off of Emmett and bolts across the room]
Edward: When are you not? Can you just keep it in your pants for five minutes?
Emmett: Nope, it's too big.
Edward: I guess it's the only thing big about you then.
Emmett: Oh, that's it!
[Emmett flies across the room at Edward, knocking a whole in the wall, shaped like Edward's torso.]
Emmett: I am NOT small, but I sure can kick your ass.
[Emmett proceeds to pin Edward by grossing him out by thinking about Rose in various sex positions]
Edward: Damn it, Emmett! EW!
Emmett: It's the facts of life, Eddie-boy! You gotta learn 'em some time.
[Emmett winks at him, effectively grossing him out further]
[Rose looks at her nails in a clear signal that she's board]
Rose: Emmett, let's just go up stairs and annoy Edward by having loud and boisterous sex while he's locked in the house.
Edward: I have no clue how you managed to actually lock me in the house last time, but I am begging you, PLEASE don't do that again. I'm still having mental blocks of that day.
[Emmett and Rose both laugh]
Emmett: Rosie, as much as I would love to do that again, Tanya is coming over.
Emmett: You know how she loves Eddie. Someone must stay here and chaperone them. You never know what that Tanya is going to do. I fear she'll take advantage of our innocent little, inexperienced Eddie here. I couldn't stand for anyone to hurt him.
[Emmett pinches his cheeks]
Edward: Oh hell no. I'm out of here.
Emmett: Not so fast, Eddie.
[Emmett attempts to put Edward in a bear hug but only gets his arms around his knees. Luckily for Emmett, he's a miniature vampire and has the strength to hold him in place anyway.]
Edward: Damn it! I hate when he does this!
[Edward flails his arms wildly attempting to get away from Emmett]
Rose: Oh, come on, Edward, you know you LOVE Tanya.
Edward: Has no one else noticed she is high ALL the time?
Rose: That's impossible, she's a vampire.
Edward: Apparently some things aren't fixed in the change. She still needs a fix and she has found a way to do it.
Rose: Don't be ridiculous, Edward. That's just impossible.
[Rose shakes her head]
Tanya: HEY EDDIE!
[Tanya hugs Edward, not even noticing Emmett's death grip around his knees. She grabs his ass.]
Edward: Damn it, Tanya. How many times do I have to ask you to keep your skanky hands off of me?
Tanya: Respectfully ask me, right Eddie-boy?
Edward: ED. WARD.
Tanya: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Tanya waves her hand dismissively]
Edward: That's it. I'm giving you an intervention. Maybe you'll be tolerable sober.
Emmett: Not likely.
Edward: Then why the fuck do you keep pushing her on me?
Emmett: Because I like to watch you squirm.
[Emmett laughs to himself]
[Edward pulls each leg forward slowly, making his way toward the phone.]
[Emmett lies on the floor, one hand on each of Edward's ankles, struggling to hold Edward in one place as he is dragged along on his stomach.]
Tanya: Who the hell is going to even believe a vampire can get high on crack? Let's be honest with ourselves Eddie.
Rose: Edward, it's impossible. If you don't like girls, all you have to do is tell us.
[Rose and Tanya laugh]
Edward: I like girls just fine. I just can't stand this one.
[Edward points to Tanya]
[Edward picks up the phone and dials a number dramatically]
Edward: I'm calling.
[The phone rings]
[The line is connected]
Edward: Hey Kortney, is your offer to help me with Tanya still good?
[Kortney says something]
Edward: Great, yeah she's here now. I'll see you in five minutes?
[Edward smiles at the prospect]
Edward: Great. I can't wait.
[Edward hands up]
Emmett: Oh, he likes girls.
[Emmett points straight up, where Edward's pants are now tented]
Rose: Oh wait, he likes Kortney? HA!
Emmett: Edward and Kortney sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
[Emmett makes kissy faces at Edward while they wait for Kortney to arrive]
Kortney: What the fuck is up with you?
[Kortney gets in Tanya's face]
Tanya: What the fuck is your problem, bitch?
Kortney: Oh, I'll show you what my problem is.
[Kortney punches Tanya in the face several times]
Kortney: This is your brain.
[Kortney drop kicks Tanya across the room]
[Tanya smashes through a wall and lands in the back yard]
Kortney: This is your vampire brain on crack.
[Tanya gets up slowly]
Tanya: Mother fu-
Edward: Don't finish that statement.
Kortney: Yeah, we have standards around here.
Emmett: Yeah! Standards you don't meet.
Rose: Emmett, who the hell's side are you on?
Emmett: Whoever is kickin' some ass!
[Emmett toddles to the back yard where Edward and Kortney are beating the crap out of Tanya]
Edward: Normally I would never hit a woman, but for you, Tanya, I will make an acceptation.
Kortney: I get the impression you're really more of a lover and not a fighter.
[Kortney smiles at Edward]
[Kortney punches Tanya when she attempts to bite her]
Kortney: See how your reflexes are so much slower? We wouldn't be tearin' your ass up right now if you weren't on crack.
[Emmett turns and shouts back toward where Rose is sitting]
[Rose is still reading, ignoring the fight in the back yard]
Emmett: Maybe she IS on crack, honey! She's getting her shit handed to her right now.
[Emmett runs up and kicks Tanya in the head]
Tanya: Fuck! His foot is little but damn it's hard!
Emmett: I. AM. NOT. LITTLE.
[Emmett crosses his arms across his chest indignantly]
Emmett (talking to himself): Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?
Tanya: You are a little man, Emmett. You are a cute, adorable, little man. It's like you're a little doll. Alice must love dressing you up in big people clothes.
Emmett: Edward, where the fuck is your lighter?
[Edward pulls his lighter from his pocket and holds it out]
[Rose comes running out of the house]
Rose: Nobody talks about Emmett like that!
[Rose proceeds to kick Tanya so hard her head goes flying at least 100 yards]
Emmett: Field Goal!
[Emmett raises his arms like a football referee.]
Edward: Nice shot.
[Rose straightens out her clothing and checks that her hair is properly in place]
[Rose turns to Edward]
Rose: Thank you.
[Rose turns to Emmett]
Rose: Baby, torch her ass. Now! You know how I get after a fight.
Emmett: Oh yeah!
[Edward rolls his eyes]
Edward: Oh good lord!
Kortney: Maybe you'd like to go hunting with me, since they'll be preoccupied for a while.
[Kortney smiles sweetly at Edward]
[Edward returns the smile]
Kortney: Maybe we can find something to occupy the rest of our time. I'm sure they'll take a while.
[Edward rolls his eyes playfully]
Edward: They usually do.
[Emmett stomps his foot, making a tiny plume of dust from the dirt]
Emmett: Excuse me, we're going to light her ass on fire first. Stop making goo-goo eyes Eddie.
[Edward growls under his breath]
Emmett: Oo, Big man!
[Emmett growls openly]
[Edward rolls his eyes]
Edward: Whatever man. Just hurry. I've got a century of pent up sexual frustration to get out and finally someone willing to play.
Tanya: I wanna play!
Edward: Of course. Anything for crack!
[Edward taunts Tanya]
Edward: I don't have any, sweetheart.
Emmett: Here's some crack for ya!
[Emmett kicks Tanya in the gut]
[Tanya curls in on herself]
[Emmett drops the lighter]
[Tanya goes up in a plume of smoke]
Emmett: Hey, Kortney, darlin' I really hope you like it rough. He wasn't kidding about a century of pent up frustration.
Edward: Well, not too rough.
Kortney: If you can dish it out, I'll give it back.
[Kortney winks at Edward]
[Kortney takes off into the woods at vampire speed]
[Edward chases after her]
Emmett: Ah, young love!
[Emmett wipes away a nonexistent tear]
Rose (in a sing song voice): Oh, Emmett.
[Rose stands naked at the bottom of the steps]
[Rose runs up the stairs toward their bedroom]
[Emmett chances after her]
Now feel free to review and tell me how dumb it was. Trust me I know. This was all for a laugh. It was never intended to be "good" just funny and stupid. Oh, and you're welcome for brightening up your day! ;) - Jo