A/N: So, I've been working on a House/Wilson fic for the past month or so, but had no real motivation to continue after I got to a certain point. Then today I discovered the "Traffic" tab and saw how many people checked out my other fic. This emboldened me into trying to finish it, but then I realized it was on another computer, which crashed about a week ago. ." I was entirely put out, until this idea slapped me in the face and said "Here! Take some goddamn slash and be done with it!" Thank you agnst-intolerant plot bunnies! Looking For Alaska is my favorite book, andI am shocked by the complete lack of Colonel/Pudge fics out there, so here is my contribution. These characters belong to the high, mighty, and wonderful (and beautiful) John Green, of course, and I'm just playing with them. Explicit slash warnings, blah, blah, blah, don't like don't read, flamers will be laughed at, etc., etc. Volia! (Also, note this is unbeta'd. I apologize for any and all typos.)

Just Like a Girl

"We should have sex."

I gaped at the Colonel and The General and His Labyrinth dropped out of my hands. I was reading it for the eighth time – it kept her close. We'd been back at Culver Creek for two months, and he and Sara had been together and broken up twice already. We were in our room, and it was about one in the morning.


"You heard me," he said. "We should have sex." He took another gulp of ambrosia.

"You're drunk," I said, bending down to pick up my book. I really hoped he hadn't noticed my face, which was redder than I could ever remember.

"No I'm not," he said. "I'm just horny as hell."

"But you're straight!" I said. "I'm straight!"

"So? You're not getting any – that's for damn certain – and we both know that I'm not getting any. It's like a match made in horny teen heaven."

"Yeah, except for the fact that we're both guys."

The Colonel shrugged. "Details." Another swig of ambrosia. "Oh come on, Pudge. I'll even let you top; it'll be just like fucking a girl."

"How the hell would it be like fucking a girl?"

"Trust me, it is."

His tone sounded too sure for comfort. "Have…have you done this before?" I could feel my eyes practically bugging out of my head.

The Colonel stared at me.

"With who?"

"You don't need to know," he said severely.

"I'm not doing it, Colonel," I said, and I opened my book again, trying to settle back into bed.

"I wouldn't do this for just anyone, Pudge," the Colonel said. "Chip Martin doesn't bottom for just anybody. Just pretend I'm Alaska."


"Give me one good reason why not."

"I'm straight!"

"Nope, you fail. You're doing it."

I tried to protest again, but the Colonel was fast when he wanted to be. One minute he was on the couch, the next he was on top of me, his lips pressed into mine.

The kiss was firm, but hesitant, almost like he was giving me a chance to push him away.

The thing was I didn't want to.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the leftover grief from Alaska's death, or all the pent up sexual frustration that I didn't even realize I had. Maybe it was none of these things. Maybe it was all of them. All I know is that as soon as the Colonel's mouth was on mine, I didn't want it to leave.

I groaned and kissed him back, feeling my arm snake around his neck. I felt him smirk.

"See?" he said against my mouth. "Not so bad, is it?"

"Just shut up and kiss me before I change my mind," I told him, although there was zero chance of a mind change any time soon.

The Colonel chuckled and deepened our kiss. His tongue swiped against my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to let him inside. Our tongues tangled together and electricity coursed through me. Two layers of clothes between our chests, and suddenly it seemed like far too much. The General and His Labyrinth dropped to the floor again and I used my free hands to begin unbuttoning the Colonel's flannel shirt. As each open button revealed more and more skin, I started running my fingers over the delicate hair of his abdomen.

"Pudge," he gasped against my mouth and I grinned. I felt his tongue flick against my teeth and gums and a jolt of pure lust shook my already half-erect cock to full attention.

"Colonel," I moaned back, tearing the shirt from his shoulders. One layer.

He practically ripped my tshirt over my head and threw it across the room. He ran his hands over my bare skin, pausing to tweak both my nipples, and I shivered. He recaptured my lips and fumbled with my belt.

I moaned and couldn't stop my hands from exploring every inch of exposed skin. I felt my belt being unhooked and some of the pressure around my cock was released. Involuntarily, my hips lifted for him to slide off my jeans, and our erections ground together. I hadn't realized he was as hard as I was, and the knowledge made me only want him more. Just my boxers, his jeans, and his boxers now.

I worked fast on his belt and he helped me push his jeans away. Two layers. I could see his cock straining against the fabric of his boxers and wanted no more than to set it free.

The Colonel moved his mouth from mine to my throat and slowly kissed and sucked his way down my torso, paying special attention to my nipples again. I arched off the bed, and our erections met again. We both groaned. His tongue dipped into my belly button and I gasped. "Colonel!"

He grinned, and paused at the top of my boxers. His mouth was so close – so close – to my cock I could almost feel it there. "Do you want it?" he whispered.

I moaned, at a loss for words with the sight of his face hovering above my crotch.

"Say it," he murmured.

"Yes," I groaned. "Yes, damn you, I want it."

His grin widened and he took the waistband into his teeth and dragged it downward ever so slowly. One layer.

His eyes swept over my naked form and I blushed. My breathing was ragged and he hadn't even touched me yet, but he seemed pleased by this. "Nice package, Pudge," he said, shucking his own boxers and letting his own impressive one spring free. No layers. Just skin. I gulped, throat dry. He moved back up to kiss me again, and rolled us over so that I was hovering over him. "I promised you could be on top, remember?"

"But I don't know what I'm doing!" I said.

He chuckled. "Okay, here's what you need to do Pudge: quit thinking. Remember that rule, and you'll be fine."
"How do you suggest I do that?" I asked.

Instead of answering, the Colonel reached up and grabbed my cock, starting to pump it in his fist.

"Oh, God," I moaned. Not thinking was suddenly becoming easier.

"Don't remind me of him," the Colonel said. "I'd like to enjoy this while I can. I'll leave redemption for the morning."

I chuckled and took his cock in my hand, trying to imitate what he was doing to me. He groaned, and closed his eyes. "Okay, Pudge," he managed through ragged breathing, "I need you to do this." Suddenly, I felt a finger enter my ass.

Holy shit! When did that even get there!

I jerked away at the intrusion, although it wasn't particularly painful. Just unexpected.

"Relax!" He moved his finger inside me, curling it around, and then began to pull it out before pushing it back in.

I relaxed and began to almost enjoy the sensation.

"Hey! Focus!" His voice brought me back to the present. "Do this to me."

I nodded uncertainly, and let go of his cock. I moved my hand lower, brushing my fingers over his testicles and back even more until I found the opening.

"Good, now push you finger in slowly," he said. I did so, and my finger was enveloped in delicious, tight heat.

The Colonel groaned. "Move it, Pudge." I obliged, moving it in and out, and in and out, developing a slight rhythm. "Okay, now add another finger." I did as told, and he winced, but didn't complain. When he was adjusted, I added a third. I curled my fingers inside his ass, and hit something that made him gasp.

"There, Pudge! Right there!"

I moved in and out more and more, finger fucking him and hitting the sweet spot every time. The sight of him writhing beneath me, face twisted in pleasure was almost enough to make me come right there.

"Miles, if you don't fuck me now, I'm going to kill you," he finally gasped.

I immediately removed my fingers, and, with some maneuvering, positioned myself at his entrance. "Ready?"

"Do it!"

I did it. The feel of him surrounding my throbbing cock in sweet heat was almost too much and I paused, for fear I'd come then. He left me sit for a moment and then said, "Miles, move."

So I moved. I thrust as far into him as I could, pulled almost all the way out, and thrust again. His hips snapped to meet me as I went in again, and we soon had a fast, sloppy rhythm going. Then, finally, I found what I was looking for.

"Miles!" the Colonel cried out, and I loved the new use of my first name. I remembered his forgotten cock and took it into my hand again, and stroked it in time with my thrusts.

It wasn't long after that that the Colonel came, whole body spasming as his semen coated my hand and stomach. His muscles clenched around me, and I came too, harder than I had in my life. "Chip!" I thrust into him once more and collapsed on top of him, breathing hard and savoring the high.

We lay there for a bit, and then I felt his finger poke my side. "Hey, you may look like you weigh nothing, but you're crushing my chest."

I laughed, and pulled out, rolling off of him. I started to get up, but he pulled me back.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked

"To get something to clean up with?"

"Oh no, you don't. Be sticky with me for a bit. Savor the moment."

I lied back down and the Colonel wrapped and arm around me.

"So," I said. "That's what it's like to fuck a girl?"

"Not at all," he said. "I just told you that so you'd do it. Fucking a guy is nothing like fucking a girl. It's better."