Harry Potter and Some Sorcerer's Rock

Harry Potter was no ordinary boy for several different reasons. First of all, he did not live with his parents. This was because Mr. and Mrs. Potter had suffered the same cruel fate of all protagonists' parents - they were killed off in order to advance the plot of the story and make the main character a dramatic, secretly despondent individual. So instead, Harry lived with his stereotypically snobby Aunt Petunia, predictably cruel Uncle Vernon, and extremely rotund cousin, Dudley. They forced him to live in the cupboard above the refrigerator, which admittedly was an extremely small space for a 10-year-old boy to live, but Harry managed.

Another thing that made Harry unusual was the fact that he had a grotesque, lightning-bolt shaped scar on his head. No one had any idea where he had gotten that scar. In fact, Harry himself probably hadn't even noticed he had it. You see, he was but 10 years of age and lacked proper observational skills. That, and Harry was a bit slow on the uptake.

Oh yes, and Harry was actually a wizard. But, supposedly, he didn't know about that either. Until one day…

Harry was folding laundry while watching Emeril Live on the TV, as usual. Being the sad and pathetic hero he was, Harry was always forced to do household chores for his evil step-family. One time a fairy godmother showed up and tried to convince him that going to some ball in a pumpkin would make his dreams come true, but Harry had an odd feeling that the fairy godmother was looking for a different fictional character, so he refused.

So, Harry was folding the laundry, minding his own business, when suddenly hundreds of letters were dumped on his head. Now, as I said before, Harry lacked observational skills, so he thought nothing of this and continued to calmly fold laundry. However, the letters kept popping out of thin air until they had, unfortunately, buried him alive. After a search and rescue team had arrived and dug Harry and his step-family out of the pile of letters, Harry became slightly curious as to what the white envelopes contained. He managed only to see that each and every one was addressed to him before Uncle Vernon, enraged by this unwanted assault, dragged Harry and the rest of the family out of the house. In order to keep his family safe, Uncle Vernon decided to row out to sea in a dilapidated boat during an extremely harsh storm to escape the numerous falling letters. Uncle Vernon spotted a rickety old hut built dangerously on the edge of a rock in the middle of the ocean, and decided that it would be a safe place for his family to stay during the night. Granted, the shack was held together only by super glue and chewing gum, but Uncle Vernon didn't notice that.

As the family settled down to sleep on ragged mattresses to the musical stylings of Enya (Aunt Petunia had brought her CD's along), the storm began to get louder and more violent outside. Suddenly, without warning, the front door of the shack burst open. There stood a shadowy, nearly ten foot tall creature. And no, it wasn't Bigfoot, although there had been reported sightings of the beast in the area recently. Instead of Sasquatch, into the shack stepped a giant man toting an enormous green umbrella, the kind with little yellow duckies on it.

"FEE, FI, FO, FUM…" the giant man bellowed. "…I'M LOOKING FOR MR. HARRY POTTER! Is he available at the moment?"

Uncle Vernon, shaking, pointed to Harry, who was huddled in the corner drinking a French Vanilla cappuccino for warmth.

"Hello there, Mr. Potter," the giant man said eloquently. "I trust you did not read any of my letters, so I decided I would deliver my message in person. My name is Rubeus Tacteus Fineus Hagrid the third."

"Ha…grid?" Harry said slowly.

Hagrid paused. "Sure. I've come to inform you that you possess magical powers, thereby making you a wizard, and that you have been invited to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There you will learn many important wizarding skills, such as how to set your pointy wizard hat at a jaunty angle on your head, and how to turn people into toads."

Harry blinked.

"I possess magical powers too!" Dudley insisted.

Hagrid raised an eyebrow at the rather stout boy. "Oh, do you?"

"Yes!" Dudley replied brightly. "Watch! When I walk, my running shoes light up!"

True to his word, as Dudley's feet pounded on the ground, little red lights shone in his running shoes. Proudly, the pudgy boy strode from one end of the hut to the other.

"That's not magic," Hagrid pointed out, rather annoyed with Dudley. He stuck out his umbrella, and, muttering a few specially chosen magic words, turned Dudley into a green dragon. This turned out to be a blessing rather than a curse for Dudley, because later on he miraculously scored his own children's television series on PBS. But that's another story for another day.

"Ah yes, and Harry, it turns out that you're exceedingly famous. You see, when you were but a wee lad, your parents were killed by the darkest, most sinister wizard of all time…" Hagrid paused. "…Moldyvort!"

"You mean Voldemort?" Uncle Vernon pointed out, folding his arms. For, you see, despite Uncle Vernon's apparent loathing for his nephew, he had read all four Harry Potter books and had enjoyed them greatly.

"Whatever," Hagrid shrugged.

"What?!" Harry exclaimed. All his life he had been told his parents had died in a curling match gone horribly horribly awry. "No! That can't be true!"

"Oh yes, Harry," Hagrid said gravely. "And then he tried to kill you!" Everyone gasped simultaneously.

"That's how you got that scar, Harry…" Hagrid continued. "The curse rebounded off your abnormally thick head and hit Voldemort. And some…some say…that Voldemort's heart grew three sizes that day."

"Awwww!" everyone chorused.

"Listen, Harry, ever since you defeated Voldemort purely by accident, you've been the hottest celebrity of the wizard world!" Hagrid exclaimed. "Observe! You're an action figure!" He produced a miniature Harry PotterÔ action figure from one of his pockets. It walked, talked, cast spells, and defeated dark wizards. Not to mention the fact that Hagrid had gotten it for half-price at Wal-Mart.

"Famous, you say? Oh, I knew that," Harry replied airily. He held up an Encyclopedia Britannica-sized book, which wasn't the Encyclopedia Britannica at all, but Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. "Mobs of 10-year-olds have been following me around trying to get me to sign this for months."

"Ah," Hagrid replied knowingly. He suddenly turned deadly serious. "So…Harry…will you come to Hogwarts to learn the art of magic?" he pleaded.

"You had me at hello, Hagrid," Harry replied, wiping a tear from his face. "You had me at hello…"

And so, Harry Potter left his evil step-family and went to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There, he had several crazy misadventures with a three-headed dog, some sorcerer's rock, a guy wearing a turban, and the most evil dark wizard of all time. But hey, all of that turned out all right in the end due to Harry's knowledge, wisdom, bravery, wit, and uncanny knack for finding lucky pennies.

So Harry lived happily ever after, and many books were written about him, and he even got to star in his own full-length feature film which generated more revenue than Star Wars: Episode 1 and Lord of the Rings put together.

The End