I've wanted to write a dirty Big Bang Theory story for a while, and when this little plot bunny popped into my head, I just couldn't resist! It takes a little reading till you get to the good stuff, but I think it's pretty cute and entertaining, if you ask me.
This will be a two shot story, because I don't like posting 15,000 word one-shots. Sometimes, it's important to just split things up a bit.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Big Bang Theory, any of its characters, or the Scientific Method. I just borrow, warp, and pervert them in my spare time.
WARNINGS: slash/yaoi (male x male love), PWP, lemons, anal, oral, solo, cheesy pornography, crude dialogue/swearing, geeky dirty talk, possible OOC, and whatever the hell else I wanna throw in there. Also, this story is unbeta'd. So any spelling/grammar issues are my own damn fault.
Okay, so without further ado, I give you gratuitous amounts of plotless sex! Here's hoping it doesn't suck, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
1.) Sheldon's Experiment
The Scientific Method is a time-tested process, which has helped Mankind thrust itself into the stratosphere of scientific enlightenment. It refers to a body of techniques for investigating phenomena, acquiring new knowledge, and correcting and integrating previous knowledge**. Its simplicity and universality makes it accessible and relevant to many fields, and it can be used to gain greater and deeper understanding in nearly every aspect of life-scientific and otherwise.
Step one: Observation and description of a phenomenon...
"Hey Sheldon?" Leonard asked timidly from his chair, turning to face the pale man in question. Said pale man continued to stare, unfazed, at the television screen, fingers playing rapidly over the buttons of his video game control, as if the nervous man weren't even there, let alone addressing him.
"Sheldon," Leonard repeated, louder this time. Sheldon's face twisted in annoyance as he quickly pressed the pause button and snapped his large eyes to face the source of his irritation.
"What is it, Leonard?" he asked, his voice laced with annoyance. "I've told you time and time again that I am not to be disturbed when playing Halo 2. I was just beating the pants off of some pathetic little thirteen year old in Rhode Island." Leonard ignored Sheldon's agitated comment.
"If you ever decided to join the realm of normalcy-"
"I don't believe such a place exists, Leonard," Sheldon interjected incredulously.
"It's just an expression, Sheldon. If you were ever to join us ranks of normal people and date-"
"Oh, that would never happen," Sheldon interjected with noticeable distain. "I would never stoop so low as to mingle with some half-witted woman long enough to procreate with her."
"Just humor me, Sheldon," Leonard pleaded. Sheldon hesitated, staring uncertainly at his friend.
"'Humor' you? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the terminology."
"It means just hear me out."
"Oh," Sheldon said, smiling in understanding. "Okay."
"If you were ever to deign to take a mate, would you take a woman or a man?"
Sheldon stared at his friend in disbelief. "Leonard, is that supposed to be some kind of joke that I'm not picking up on?"
"No, I'm serious," Leonard said quickly.
Step two: Formulation of a hypothesis to explain the phenomenon.
"I mean, think about it," Leonard continued. "You have absolutely no interest in women that I've ever seen. Is it because you're so intellectually powerful that you can override your sexual instincts? Or is it because you aren't looking at the right kinds of people to make those instincts kick in?"
"I don't catch your meaning," Sheldon said flatly.
"I mean," Leonard pressed, "maybe the reason you don't find women sexually stimulating is because you are oriented toward men."
Sheldon digested Leonard's speculation. It had some plausibility to it. The prodigy had never even considered anyone of the male sex as a viable option for mating. He always viewed sexual intercourse as merely a means to an end, as nothing more than a way to procreate and produce progeny. And while he hoped to one day meet a female who was his intellectual equal and use her eggs to create super geniuses, he never found the prospect of fathering children to be terribly alluring.
But what about homosexuals? They certainly aren't using their semen for reproduction. Sure, homosexuality occurs commonly in all of nature, but his parents always told him that performing "sodomy" with a male would earn him a one-way ticket to Hell. Of course, as a theoretical physicist, he could find no evidence supporting the existence of such a place as Hell, but the thought of burning for all eternity certainly put a stop to any further exploration into the subject. Perhaps Leonard's suggestion deserved more consideration.
"An interesting hypothesis, Leonard," Sheldon said, sounding pleased and impressed, like a dad watching his son learn to ride a bike without training wheels. Leonard did not miss the condescending tone, but ignored it. "Though we'll have to come up with more concrete operational definitions for the constructs of sexuality and attraction, as well as come up with valid and easily repeatable experiments to accurately test them."
"Huh?" Leonard knitted his eyebrows in confusion.
"For the experiment, Leonard," Sheldon answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
Step three: Development of experiments designed to test the hypothesis.
"Come again?" Leonard said in bewilderment. "What kind of experiment are we performing?"
"We are going to test your hypothesis on my sexuality." Leonard stared slack-jawed at his savant friend after his proclamation.
"How do you expect to do that?" he asked incredulously.
"Well, that's where you come in, Leonard," Sheldon said casually, and Leonard blushed instantly.
"Oh, no, I'm not going to be your little lab rat. You aren't going to sexually experiment with me..." Leonard hesitated for a moment, then added, "Unless you really needed for me to-"
"What?" Sheldon interjected, his eyebrows knit together in confusion. "No, I don't know what lab rats have to do with me conducting an experiment on my sexuality. I need you to help me operationally define** heterosexuality and homosexuality. Oh, that means we need to find physical, observational definitions for abstract concepts-"
"I know what an operational definition is, Sheldon," Leonard gritted out.
"Also, I will need your assistance designing the experiments," Sheldon continued, ignoring Leonard's protest. "I'm afraid I do not understand the conventions of human mating patterns, particularly amongst homosexuals."
After a dumbfounded pause, Leonard nodded slowly in agreement. Sheldon's face instantly lit up like a child whose parents just promised him an extra helping of dessert. Leonard blushed slightly at the rare sight of the theoretical scientist's smile, feeling warmth spread through his chest.
"Excellent," Sheldon said, pulling out his laptop and opening a word document. "Okay, first we will need to define the difference between homosexuality and heterosexuality in physical terms. Any ideas?" He then looked up expectantly at Leonard.
"Uhh," the experimental physicist stuttered, racking his brain for an answer. "Well, heterosexuality is the physical attraction to someone of the opposite sex, while homosexuality is the physical attraction to someone of the same sex."
"Yes, as is evident in the terminology," Sheldon said impatiently.
"Ehem, well," Leonard sputtered, "if you are simply going off of the basis of pure sexual response, and factoring out emotional attachment, I would have to say that the best way to operationally define sexuality would be the amount of arousal elicited by one gender versus another."
"Hm...Be more specific," Sheldon commanded, typing rapidly on his keyboard and rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"Well, sexual arousal can be defined as a man gaining an erection in response to that which is arousing him. Erection occurs when the corpora cavernosa in the penis become engorged with blood**. So, you can infer a man's sexuality by determining which gender elicits a greater sexual response."
"And how do you suggest I do that?" Sheldon asked, placing his laptop on the couch next to him and leaning in closer to his friend, staring at him intensely. Leonard, suddenly feeling flustered, cleared his throat and sat back further in his seat.
"Well, you could do what every sexually ambiguous boy does when they want to experiment," Leonard supplied.
"Oh? And what is that?" Sheldon asked, sounding fully intrigued and curious.
"Well, you could watch both gay and straight porn, and see which one, um...excites you more. Or you could have sex with someone from both genders and see which experience leaves you feeling most satisfied." Sheldon blanched at the second suggestion.
"Oh, no, I think I would rather do the former. Much less interaction that way."
"Fine, Sheldon," Leonard sighed, unsurprised by his friend's decision.
"Okay, Leonard, I will be needing you to pick me up some adult videos. There is an adult section at the movie rental place down the street. I think three of each preference will do, don't you?"
"What?" Leonard exclaimed, snapping his head up to face Sheldon hard that his glasses were knocked askew on his face. "No way-"
"What, do you think we need to get more than that? Five apiece, maybe?"
"No, no, Sheldon," Leonard sputtered, "I'm not picking up porn for you."
"But you are my research assistant," Sheldon said evenly. "It's your job to make sure I have all of the supplies needed to successfully perform my experiments. And while you are gone, I will need to do some extensive research on sex, sexuality, and attraction."
"Alright, fine," Leonard conceded at long last. "But you owe me." He then grabbed his jacket and stormed to the apartment door.
"Perfect. And while you are gone, I will do a Google search on the words sex and gay to see what I find."
"Wait, Sheldon-" Leonard began, but then paused and smirked. "Actually, never mind. You do that, Sheldon." He then left the apartment snickering.
Step four: Performance of experiments to test the hypothesis.
Sheldon closed the door to his bedroom and ran excitedly to the old television and VCR he'd borrowed from Raj and set up in his room about an hour before, switching it on and then turning to dump his new videos onto the bed. Rifling through the clearly heavily-used video cassettes, and deciding it made sense to begin with the sexual "norm," he picked out a video in a colorful case which read, "Beach Babes: Barely Legal." Beneath the bold lettering was a picture of two busty women scantly clad in bikinis, pressing themselves against a strong, smug looking man in a navy Speedo.
'This looks promising,' he thought as he popped open the case and retracted the video. 'Two physically attractive women, a strong, handsome man...' Sheldon then blushed as he thought-really thought about what he was about to do. Sure, he'd been excited about the prospects of performing a biology experiment of sorts; after all, as a theorist, he rarely had the chance to work with concrete, tangible variables. But now that he was actually about to...to divulge in acts and thoughts he always deemed himself superior to, he was a little, well...
But that was silly! What did he have to worry about? Sexuality was a perfectly normal, if unavoidable, part of life. He was merely satisfying a scientific curiosity about himself. Yes, that's it, it was purely research for future generations of doctors who would no doubt wish to study him, and he could add his findings from this little experiment to his detailed journals he kept about himself.
With renewed conviction, Sheldon walked over to the VCR and inserted the tape into its mouth. He then took a seat at the edge of his bed, feeling his pulse quicken as the title flashed animatedly across the screen, then faded away to reveal the two women sitting on a beach, slathering each other with sunscreen. Sheldon scrunched his nose as the girls laughed loudly, even though there was nothing funny going on.
"God, Tiffany, your skin's so soft," hummed the girl who was applying the sunscreen. "Untie your bikini top so I can get your back."
"Thanks, Brittany, you're the best," said the blonde lying on her stomach, reaching back and untying the strings of her triangle bikini top. They both laughed again, and Brittany continued to lather Tiffany's skin with lotion.
"Mmm, Brittany, why don't you go lower?" Tiffany asked, looking over her bony shoulder.
"Oh sure, Tiffany, anything for you," Brittany answered, going lower down her back until she reached her ass, which stuck out from the thong she was wearing.
Sheldon frowned at the poor acting and unrealistic dialogue. At this point, he was sure he would be too distracted by the lack of structure and proper character development to even tell if the women made him sexually aroused.
Suddenly, the man in the Speedo walked into the shot, covered in oil and carrying a surfboard. He took off his sunglasses, stared at the two women in the sand, and smirked.
"Well, hello, ladies," he said in a deep, husky voice, trailing his hand down from his neck to his pecks, gently caressing his own nipple. Sheldon felt his pulse quicken at the sight of the man's taut, muscular form, his hard nipples, his wide, toothy smile...
"Hi, there, handsome," said Tiffany, sitting up and revealing her uncovered breasts, "You want to join us?" Sheldon blanched in disgust at the indecency of the woman, and hastily ran to stop the tape. He managed to stop the horrific footage before any more nudity was shown. Then, panting, he moved to sit back down at the edge of the bed, cradling his head in his arms.
How could people possibly enjoy looking at women like that? It was so...improper. All it managed to do was make him feel extremely uncomfortable and a little queasy. He just didn't understand the attraction to a piece of anatomy that essentially existed on women for the purpose of feeding their young. And the thought of performing...lewd acts with a woman just...
Sheldon sighed and ran his fingers through his short hair. 'Maybe I'm just too...weird for regular human relations,' he thought dejectedly. 'Maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing after all...' He then peered over at the pile of films on his bed, spotting a case which read, "Locker Room Love: Basketball Buddies." Beneath the bold, ornate type was a picture of two young men in basketball shorts, with their jerseys draped over their shoulders. One of the men was had a tall, lithe build, and one was fairly short and stocky, with broad shoulders and washboard abs. Through his left nipple, he had a small silver hoop. The taller man wore a sort of dark, broody look, while the other man wore a dazzling toothy grin. The men stood much closer together than any two "buddies" ever would, which led Sheldon to believe this must be a "homosexual" film. Staring at the case, Sheldon felt his face flush.
It was at this point that he realized how important this moment was for him. If he put this film on and actually enjoyed watching it, he would have to admit a lot of things about himself that he'd always deemed himself too intellectually superior for. For instance, he could no longer pride himself on being above physical urge. More importantly, he would have to face the fact that not only was he weak enough to be afflicted with such basic urges, but that his preferences were extremely deviant from the norm-namely, that he was gay.
When Sheldon began this whole "experiment," he had just been excited about the prospect of a good case study on himself. And frankly, he had expected to watch both types of films and be completely unaffected, thus proving once and for all that he was too biologically advanced for sex. And after watching the first few minutes of "Beach Babes," he was certain that the opposite sex did nothing for him. But if he found stimulation in watching this film...
Sheldon racked his brain to remember everything he knew about homosexuality-which was disastrously little. All he knew was that being a "fag" was a mortal sin that would send him straight to Hell (according to his childhood pastor). Sheldon shuttered at the thought.
He then remembered that many recent studies suggested that homosexuality was largely influenced by genetics. If he were gay, it would merely be another statistically significant trait for him to write about in his journals, thus setting himself even more apart from the rest of humanity.
Sheldon smiled at this revelation. The prospect of being even more special renewed Sheldon's excitement in the experiment. With renewed conviction, Sheldon strode confidently to the VCR and popped the tape in, returning to his spot on the edge of the bed.
The title flashed across the screen, then faded into a wide-angle shot of a high school locker room. Two young men-the two on the box cover-sat together on a wooden bench, wearing matching yellow and purple basketball jerseys. Their shirts were discarded, showing off their chiseled forms. Both men were drenched in sweat, as if they had just gotten through playing an intense game. Sheldon's eyes kept drifting to the metal hoop strung through the shorter man's nipple.
"What a great game, Shawn," the pierced man in question panted, dabbing his sweaty face off with a towel.
"You said it, Leo," the taller man agreed, absently running a hand down his slick, shiny chest. Leo watched the hand trace down over his pecks, resting on his flat, toned stomach, and licked his lips.
The acting wasn't exactly award-worthy. In fact, it was probably just as bad as the girls in the previous film. But somehow, Sheldon didn't mind so much…
"I really thought we were going to lose for a while," Leo said, running his towel over his own pecks, making his nipple ring wiggle and swing. "That last three-pointer you scored was amazing!"
"Thanks, buddy," Shawn said, smirking lopsidedly at the shorter man. "God, my adrenaline is still pumping! Do you ever get that way after a really intense game?"
"Oh you bet," Leo agreed, stretching out his arms. "It's like my body gets so hot, and I get so over-excited. My heart pounds so fast..."
"Yeah, me too," Shawn agreed. "Here, feel my heart right now," he said, taking one of Leo's strong hands in his own and pressing it against his chest.
"Whoa, buddy, your heart is racing!" Leo exclaimed, "and your skin is so hot...It's very smooth too." He then began to rub his hand in small circles on Shawn's chest, making the taller man hum gruffly.
"Mmmm, thanks," he said, closing his eyes and covering Leo's hand with his own, pushing the hand over till it covered his nipple. Leo, catching the drift, began to rub and pinch at the rosy bud, making it pert and erect. Shawn sighed appreciatively and reached his own hand up to tweak Leo's pierced nipple, gently tugging on the hoop until the shorter man released a shuttering breath.
Sheldon stared unblinkingly at the scene unfolding on his screen. He couldn't believe the two men were already-so fast-and oh God, that piercing...
Were nipples really that sensitive? Judging by the gasps and moans coming from the television, they must be. Letting curiosity get the best of him, Sheldon hesitantly raised a hand to press it gently against his own chest. He then began to rub small circles on it, like Leo had done to Shawn. It felt nice, comforting. He felt himself relax a bit and moved his hand over to brush against his nipple through his tee shirt. He gasped slightly at the odd, tingly feeling caused by the pressure, mixed with the rubbing of the soft, worn cotton against his slowly perking nipple. He raised his other hand to touch his other nipple, sighing uncontrollably as he rubbed his perky buds through his shirt.
He then looked back at the television screen, to find the duo tongue-kissing each other aggressively. Without separating their lips, Shawn pushed Leo down till he was laying on the bench, and his torso was covering the smaller man's. Shawn then began to lower his hand, tracing it over Leo's abs and torso, not stopping till it was hovering directly over the sizable tent in his shorts. Leo gasped and parted from Shawn's lips. Shawn began to kiss a trail down his neck, licking and biting the sensitive skin.
"Oh, Shawn, please!" Leo begged, thrusting his hips up pleadingly.
"Impatient?" Shawn chuckled, roughly palming his "buddy's" erection through his shorts. Leo moaned appreciatively and arched up into Shawn's hands.
Sheldon groaned at the sight and ran one of his hands down to his own crotch. After a moment's hesitation, he pressed his palm against his cock, finding it to be twitching slowly to life in his jeans. He jumped slightly at the foreign feeling, snatching his hand away. He pictured his childhood pastor, condemning masturbation as "spiritual weakness," but then thought about how pretty he had always thought his young pastor's eyes were…
"Shawn, what are we doing?" Sheldon looked back up at the television, to see Shawn straddling Leo and grinding their crotches together.
"Shh," Shawn whispered.
"We're best friends…" Leo protested, even though he was still humping Shawn.
"But that's the best part, Leo," Shawn panted. "We care about each other, and we can trust each other. I care about you. Do you care about me?"
"Yes," Shawn said.
"And do you trust me?"
Sheldon felt his heart pounding erratically. His cock was now fully erect, and it was throbbing almost painfully. He couldn't believe Leonard's hypothesis was right! He was attracted to men. And all this time, he thought he was simply unsuited for human relations…He turned back to the screen, to see that Leo was now kneeling on the floor between Shawn's legs, tonguing the hard organ through his shorts. He then gasped when Leo pulled Shawn's shorts down, revealing his fat, hot cock. He then took the organ into his mouth, sucking it down to the root. Sheldon groaned and grasped himself through his jeans unconsciously, kneading himself through the fabric.
Something about what Shawn had said really stuck with him. The whole thing about doing it with friends, because one cared for them and could trust them. Sheldon thought about his own friends. He remembered what Leonard's mom had said about Raj and Howard's "latent homosexual relationship" and chuckled. 'Perhaps they should be the ones watching this film…'
He then thought about who he could possibly trust enough to do…well, this sort of thing with. Howard was definitely out, considering the fact that the small man hated him. Not to mention the fact that he was likely to carry any number of communicable diseases. And Raj…Well, from what he could tell, the man was terrified of him. Fear was not at all a suitable feeling to have towards a bed partner. No, he was definitely out too. And that left…
Sheldon felt a spike of pleasure course through his gut when the image of his best friend flashed across his mind. "Uhn!" he grunted, hunching over and palming himself harder through his jeans. He felt a warm wet spot of precome drench the front of his pants as his cock pulsed still harder in its confines.
'Well, that was an interesting reaction,' Sheldon thought, staring mystified at the small wet spot which now graced his favorite pair of pants. He hastily unfastened them and pushed them down around his ankles, lifting his hips slightly to free them from his ass, then pushed them, along with his tighty-whiteys, off into the floor. He then looked nervously down at his lap:
His cock was fairly long, he supposed, and narrow. It curved slightly, pointing up toward his belly button, and it was fairly even in girth from base to tip. The head was an angry shade of red, and a thick pearly bead of precome was pooled at the slit, threatening to overflow and run down the side of his shaft. His tightly hung balls were dusted with light brown curls, and an unkempt patch of hair of the same color nestled just above his package. Sheldon looked back to the screen, to see that both of the men (who were currently engaged in a lewd act he'd often heard called the "sixty-nine" as a child) were completely clean-shaven down there. He scrunched his nose slightly at the thought of being completely hairless down there, but thought that perhaps he should consider grooming a bit…
He gingerly wrapped his hand around the base of his shaft, releasing a sigh of pleasure as he did so. He then squeezed it slightly, applying different levels of pressure to see what felt the most "right." Then, blushing, he slowly ran his hand up along his shaft, stopping when he reached the head, then quickly jerked his hand back down until it was once again wrapped around the base of his organ. He released a startled moan as pleasure danced through his body, then repeated the action again, and again, and again, until he had worked up a steady, firm pace.
He watched the two men on the television suck each other's cocks, making loud slurpy noises as they did so. Leo was on top of Shawn, his knees planted on either side of his head, thrusting down into the orifice of his mouth. He in turn had his head between Shawn's slightly parted legs, and was sucking on his large dick like it was a lollipop. Shawn reached up to Leo's ass, stilling his thrusting and pulling his organ out of his mouth. He then repositioned his hips so that his ass was being pressed into his face. Leo dropped the cock from his mouth and let out a long, deep moan as Shawn traced his long tongue up the crack of his ass, stopping when he reached the rosy pucker of his asshole. Sheldon watched in wonder as Shawn's tongue pierced Leo's hole, delving deep into it and drawing a loud cry from Leo.
"Oh Shawn, yes!" Leo cried, grinding back onto Shawn's face. Sheldon redoubled his efforts on his own cock, watching the tongue disappear over and over again inside of that rosy pink hole. He thought about doing that to somebody, giving somebody pleasure with his tongue. He thought about having an erect penis throbbing on his tongue, deep in his mouth. He though about thrusting his own penis into somebody's mouth, feeling the warm wet heat wrap tightly around him. He thought about sliding his own tongue into somebody's asshole, causing him to writhe and squirm against his face.
Then he thought about Leonard.
Leonard's cock in his mouth. Leonard's mouth on his cock. Leonard straddling his face and moaning like a whore. Leonard with a small, silver hoop threaded through his nipple…
"Uhhhn," Sheldon choked, feeling his balls draw up impossibly tight. The onslaught of naughty images featuring his best friend caused his pleasure to spike, and he was quickly spiraling out of control. With his free hand, he reached down and groped his balls, kneading and tugging them roughly, as his other hand jerked his shaft at a fast, irregular tempo. Finally, white-hot jolts of pleasure shot through his body as the head of his cock erupted with thick gobs of come.
"Uh! Oh, uhhhhnnnn," Sheldon croaked, thrusting his hips off of the bed as ribbons of hot, sticky seed coated his hand, lap, and tee shirt. He continued to fist his cock as he rode out his orgasm, thrusting weakly into his hand and milking himself of the last of his come. Then, panting and spent, he collapsed back on to his bed and lay motionless for several minutes, trying to catch his breath.
"Wow," he said aloud, running his hands lazily over his hypersensitive body. "I've got to tell Leonard about this…"
Okay, so thanks for reading my story! That was pretty hot, no? Keep your eyes peeled for the second and final installment of The Scientific Method: Significant Results.
NOW BE SURE TO REVIEW! The more reviews I get, the faster I update. Reviews are like crack to me!
**These terms and their definitions can be easily found on Wikipedia, or doing a simple search on your favorite search engine (mine being Google). Or you can simply shoot me a message/comment, and I can point you in the right direction for further investigation.