Notes: Another in the Kyle and Kenny at College series. As yet unnamed.
Further notes: Credit where credit is due. The term 'flargenschnoogles' (you'll see) must be credited to Phoenix II, along with thanks for the permission to unashamedly steal aforementioned term. It was too epic to leave alone.
Warnings: The author is a geek. This is how the following oneshot was born. Consider yourself warned.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, and I make no profit from this work.
"That's it," Kenny said.
He had woken up on the bedroom floor with his boxers on his head and some kind of dubious cream smeared all over his genitals. His abandoned camera had revealed the rest of the night's antics (more or less) and once he had showered and deleted the pictures, he had gone to find Kyle.
Unusually, Kyle was outside. Not unusually, he was girl-spotting.
Which was why he ignored Kenny's proclamation.
"I said: that's it," Kenny persisted.
"What is?" Kyle asked idly.
"My sexual identity has become clear!"
That got Kyle's attention, if only in that he raised a sardonic eyebrow and said: "I thought it was already pretty clear."
"Go on then."
"If it's human, you'll screw it."
"Not if it's dead!"
"I wouldn't put it past you," Kyle muttered darkly.
"Dude!" Kenny shoved him. "Sick!"
"So," Kyle said, "if you're not just boring old bisexual, what are you?"
"Trisexual," Kenny said emphatically.
He checked the girls were still there, and the sun was still shining, and he still didn't have any assignments due for ages. Therefore, it was still a good day. And Kenny could not ruin it with wherever the hell this was going.
"Trisexual," he echoed.
"Because," Kenny said, "as of last night, I have decided that transsexuals are their own gender."
To his credit, Kyle barely looked surprised. Hell, Kenny had come out with weirder shit. Unfortunately, this particular brand of weird shit implied that...
"You pulled Jason Mahoney from your French class, didn't you?"
Jason Mahoney wouldn't have been odd, except for the fact that he used to be Jessica Mahoney. Plus, the whole he's-forty-two-and-counting thing. Some people took 'mature student' too far.
"And what were you on at the time?" Kyle asked.
"I dunno. It was green. I think."
"Look," Kenny said. "I've just decided - from the pictures..."
"...that trannies are a third gender. Jason is neither a man nor a woman."
"Most of the student body could have told you that without you getting in his pants," Kyle said.
"But nobody did," Kenny pointed out - in his opinion, rather reasonably.
"Whatever the contents of Jason Mahoney's pants look like, transsexuals aren't a third gender," Kyle said. "I'm pretty sure it has to occur in nature, and which as much frequency as the other two genders, to count."
Kyle growled. "Kenny! A third of the population is not born and then spontaneously changes sex!"
He flushed red when he realised that he'd spoken a little too loudly, and the girls were now looking at them worriedly.
"Well, they should be," Kenny grumbled.
"This isn't Star Trek."
"Man, some of those alien species had the right idea," Kenny grinned. "What were the green ones that just fucked, like, the whole time? They were awesome. I'd love to meet one."
"What, the Borg?" Kyle quipped.
Kenny snickered and swatted him. "Moron."
"Most of those species still only had male and female, you know."
"Sure, but not all. And loads of them screwed like rabbits. Usually with the human crewmembers. Lucky bastards," Kenny groused.
Kyle hummed, going back to his girl-spotting.
"Kyle!" Kenny hit him again. "Wouldn't that be awesome? A species with three sexes? Like...like, the boys and the girls and the flargenschnoogles?"
Kyle snorted, choked, and coughed as if he were trying to bring up a lung.
"Flargenschnoogles?" he eventually managed, eyes watering.
"Sure, why not?"
"What the hell, Kenny?"
"They have to have some name."
"True, but that?"
"It's retarded. I should put you out of your misery."
"It's awesome. Three sexes would be great," Kenny persisted. "Being homosexual would be really, really limiting and weird, and heterosexuality would be liberating, and trisexuality would be the best."
"I'm not surprised you got into Jason's Mahoney's pants," Kyle muttered. It sounded like a non-sequiter, but it really, really wasn't.
"And there'd be threesomes!"
"There's threesomes anyway."
"Fine. More threesomes. Better threesomes."
"You weren't complaining when you scored with those blondes in my first semester lab class."
"Nah, but there's only so far watching lesbians can get you."
"I," Kyle said firmly, "simply refuse to believe that."
"We're limited," Kenny said. "We should encourage more people to get a sex change. Liberate the third sex, and the rest of us while they're at it. The sexual revolution, mark two!"
"I doubt that's what the feminists had in mind."
"Oh come on, you can't pretend girls aren't as filthy as us. Like Rebecca and Bebe..."
"Forget Bebe and Rebecca," Kyle said, waving a hand. "Try Wendy. Talk to Stan sometime about what his politically correct little ex-girlfriend liked in bed."
"Kyle," he pronounced. "For that information, I officially love you."
"Great," Kyle rolled his eyes. "Let's not limit ourselves to heterosexuality, after all."
"Never," Kenny rolled onto his stomach, head propped up on his hands, to join Kyle in some quiet girl-spotting. "Trisexuality, all the way. What about you?"
Kyle snorted. "I'd rather not get into Jason Mahoney's pants."
"Aw, come on!"
"No way, dude. Heterosexuality all the way."
Kenny shrugged. "Can't argue with that. Now. Onto the important things."
Kyle quirked an eyebrow at him.
Kenny jabbed a finger at the girls. "The blonde or the brunette?"