The Freaky Friday Contest

Pen Name: Kimmydonn

Title: The Cullen Conundrum

Summary: One Freaky Friday, Edward and Jacob are having the same thought at the same time. Each find themselves in the other's body. This could be very very bad, if Nessie and Bella don't have the same a few hours later.

Disclaimer: Characters are Stephenie Meyers. They are in line with my stories post BD, so Nessie calls Jacob 'Cubby' and thinks of her father as 'Edward'. Yeah, that's about all you need to know.

WARNING: due to body switching, Nessie is going to do things to Jacob's body that she wouldn't if she knew her Dad was inside. Bad boys. You should have just said so. :p

Thanks to PTB betas Story Painter and Flibbertigidget.

Edward POV

Bella and I were sharing alone time outside in the back seat of the car. We'd driven to a lovely lookout and proceeded to indulge in all the variety of lovemaking our immortal bodies could manage in a single night. Renesmee and Jacob were asleep in the house we shared in Seattle. In order to avoid waking them, as we had done many times, we slipped out. It was for the best, in my opinion. Jacob couldn't make it through a night without divesting my daughter of all her clothing and doing all manner of things with her in his dreams. Sometimes, I just conducted the atrocities he imagined with Bella. On other nights, the images he created infuriated me to the point that I couldn't think of anything but killing him while he slept – not conducive to amorous endeavors. The simplest thing to do was avoid the situation entirely, and there were many beautiful places to share a quiet, or not so quiet, night.

"Yes, Edward," Bella moaned, moving over me. I thrust up into her, relishing the feel of her perfect body against mine.

I was just about to explode in my gorgeous wife for the seventh time tonight when there was an odd shifting. My eyes blurred and I blinked to clear them. It was eerily quiet except for a steady thumping, like a heartbeat, but too close.

I was no longer with Bella. I was still sporting an erection, but it was longer and unfamiliar to me. I pulled the sheet from over me and gasped in horror at the red-brown skin of my arm. What had happened? I jumped up and turned, facing a mirror. I could only see my chest, as russet as the rest of my skin, but I looked down at my thicker thighs, my still rigid phallus, and touched my abdomen, unable to believe what I was seeing. I ducked my head enough to see myself in the mirror, already knowing who's face I wore.

"Black," I hissed. What had he done to me? What had he done to himself? I nearly screamed remembering where I'd been when I woke up. Woke up! I hadn't slept in a century. I tried to grip my hair, but Jacob's stubble was too short.

"What? What is it, Cubby?" Nessie burst in the door. She paid no heed to my physical state, which I appreciated, but looked into my eyes with concern. "Are you hurt?" She started to move her pale hands over my dark arms, looking for injuries.

I felt her bump against my erection and pushed her away a little. She turned her brown eyes up to me, the eyes of her mother. "What is it?" She reached for my face and jumped when I didn't bend as Jacob would have.

Her legs around my hips felt very wrong. She should not be sitting on me like this. She seized my cheeks in her hands and looked deeply into my eyes. "Tell me."

"I'm not..."

Before I could answer, the front door crashed into the wall and feet thundered up the stairs. "What are you doing?" my own voice asked me. I stood in the doorway, but I'd never looked like that, not even when standing against the Volturi. The flames in my eyes had never been there before. Apparently, Jacob was in my body, and he hadn't chosen to be there either.

"Edward! Will you calm down? Jacob and Nessie have sex. You know; you condoned it. What are you so upset about?" Bella shouted at me, well my body, Jacob. This was confusing.

It was that moment that I first noticed I couldn't hear thoughts.

"That's right, dipshit; I can. Now would you put her down?"

"Edward!" Bella was in shock. She had never heard me use such language.

I pushed Nessie from me, just as I had wanted to from the moment she leaped onto me.

"And put on some pants!"

"Your fly is undone," I informed him. I could see myself poking through slightly.

Jacob growled at me. That sounded familiar. I'd definitely done that before. I grabbed the sheet from the bed and wrapped it around myself.

"I think everyone needs to take a moment and calm down," Nessie said. "Dad, please, go to your room. I'll go to mine if that will make you feel better." She was addressing my body, not me.

I thought to Jacob, Listen to her. Think what has happened so far. Do you want them to know who they were really with?

He nodded. Whether at my thoughts or Nessie's, or Mrs. Hamilton's next door, I'd never know, but he turned and walked to the room I shared with Bella across the hall. She followed him.

"Nessie, can I have a minute?" I asked her.

She smiled sweetly at me and grabbed my cheeks again as I bent down to speak to her. She pressed her lips to my own and they were warm, but not as hot as they normally were when she kissed my cheek. "Of course, I'll be downstairs making breakfast when you're ready to talk about it."

My stomach growled. I put my hands to it and looked at it in wonder. I was hungry. Not thirsty, hungry. I smiled. Jacob had always praised Nessie's cooking; I was finally about to sample it. I tried to remember what my mother would make when I was human. Only cookies came to mind. I couldn't ask for cookies for breakfast.

Renesmee giggled into her hands. "I'll put a rush on it." She kissed me again, a little harder, and I tried not to push her away. The instinct was hard to fight. She broke it again and turned for the door.

"Oh, Mama, want to help me feed the pit?" she asked Bella, who met her in the hallway.


I grabbed sweatpants and yanked them on, hurrying across the hall to Jacob.

He leaped onto me, knocking me to the ground, his hands around my throat. He was stronger than me now, and I was coughing.

Then the strangling stopped, the weight gone from my chest.

"Edward! What has gotten into you? Are you all right, Jake? Maybe you should go downstairs. I need a word with my husband." The way she said it, I was glad it wasn't actually me she was referring to.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you, Bella."

She looked at me oddly. "Are you sure you're okay, Jake?"

I realized I didn't sound like Jacob. "Sure, Bells," I said using his nickname for her. "Why wouldn't I be?"

She nodded, appeased.

"Don't you imitate me, you piece of crap. You undo this, right now! I can't think!"

Bella's anger changed to concern, and suddenly Nessie was at Jacob's other side, a hand on his head.

"What's wrong, Daddy? Undo what?" She looked into Jacob's now burnished gold eyes and sniffed his breath. "You need to hunt," she told him. "What else is wrong?"

Jacob sighed heavily, relaxing in my daughter's hands. "Nothing, I'm all right."

"I don't think you are, Edward," Bella said. "Maybe you should hunt, get a good distance from everyone. That always helps balance you."

She's right. The voices will stop. Come back slowly and you'll adjust. You have to learn to filter them out.

"I don't have to learn anything. You need to fix this," he roared before running from the house. Bella chased after him. She would have a hard time keeping up.

"Damn, the eggs." Nessie ran to save breakfast, and I followed. "Not too bad, actually. The next pair will be better," she promised, plating them for me. She set the ketchup bottle next to my elbow. Jacob smothered his eggs in the red sauce. I wanted to taste them again without first.

The first bite slid, salty and spongy, over my tongue. The second was filled with runny yolk. Nessie popped two more on the plate, and I dug into those as well. I added a little ketchup when she eyed my plate oddly. The sweet paste wasn't bad actually. I mixed it into the yellow yolk and grabbed a piece of the toast she had just set on the table. I slid the result onto the crunchy bread. Delicious.

She sat with her own eggs beside me. Her expression was amused. "Good?" she asked.

I licked my lips. "Fantastic," I told her honestly.

She glowed with happiness, eating her own eggs now. She poured a glass of orange juice and passed it to me, before filling a second for herself.

I took a sip of the sweet acid before opening my lips and letting it wash my tongue. I swallowed with a purr.

"Wow," she murmured, still watching me. I could smell the change in her. Jacob's sense of smell was even sharper than my own. She was enjoying watching me.

I felt awkward. Would she expect Jacob to act on it? Could I? I decided I couldn't just as she rose to take her dishes to the sink. Apparently, she wasn't expecting anything. I sighed in relief, picking up my empty plate and following her.

She stopped, regarding me again. I wasn't doing anything the way Jacob did. He would sit for a while and mull his meal before cleaning up. Nessie just didn't eat as much.

She took my hand, lacing my fingers. "You're sure you're okay?" she asked, sliding her other hand around my hip, pressing her body to mine.

I heard my heart stutter. She put her lips to my chest, just under the breast bone. That felt good. That shouldn't feel good. When I didn't answer, she put another kiss on my pectoral, making her way to my nipple, which she flicked with her tongue. Jacob's body wasn't cooperating with my thoughts, no, no, no. It had already decided this was a great idea and started poking into my daughter.

She smiled up at me and rubbed herself across it. "It's still early. I don't have class for another two hours." She tugged on my arm, intending to lead me to either her room or Jacob's. I pulled back, stopping her.

"It's Friday, don't you have that study group?" I floundered, looking for any way out.

"Not this week," she said with a sly smile, tugging lightly.

When I still didn't budge, she returned to me, sliding her hand into the waist of my pants. I hissed as she held me. "What are you worried about? Edward's off hunting. He won't be back for a couple hours either. Longer," she whispered, "he and Mama have class too. I'll play hooky if you do." Her eyes were bright as she stroked me, making my teeth grate. She was well acquainted with Jacob's body and all the places it liked to be touched.

"I can't..." I stammered.

"I think you can," she teased, bending down and taking the head of Jacob's dick in her mouth. Her bronze hair fell in a curtain around her face.

I put my hand to her head, intending to push her away, but it froze in place as Jacob's body again betrayed me. She stroked harder as she sucked.

I needed a way out.

"Didn't get to take care of that this morning?" she teased.

"Um... no. I was just about to."

"Well, follow me." She turned and sashayed for the stairs. I almost whimpered. I followed slowly up the stairs, hoping Jacob was having better luck evading Bella.

I did whimper. There was little chance that Bella wasn't putting him in exactly the position I was in.

Jacob POV

I rolled over on my pillow, imagining my arm wrapping around the soft curve of Nessie's waist as I pulled her to me. I almost woke fully, just to see if she was really there. We slept so perfectly together, although we tangled endlessly. I dreamed of her pale skin, sparkling slightly in the sun, her bronze locks the only thing covering her perfect round breasts. ...Pulling her over me and pressing up into her.

This dream was excellent. I could swear I felt her wet and warm around me. Hot damn, she was riding me good. I was coming already.

"Yes, Edward."

What the fuck?

I opened my eyes wide and saw Bella, vampire Bella, astride my hips. Only they weren't my hips, they were lily white, almost blue with lack of blood. And when Bella lifted her hips I saw bronze hair circling my rock hard boner.

She sat back down on it and I forgot everything. Apparently, vampires didn't go limp. I could like that, if I wasn't fucking my best friend. It didn't matter how many times I'd dreamed of this before, it was wrong in every way right now. First, I was in love with Nessie. Second, she was an undead creature. And third, I wasn't myself. I wasn't the right size. I was smaller, leaner, and my throat was burning.

Goddamn vampires! What had Cullen done to me?

Thoughts fled again as Bella came on me, squeezing me inside her. "YES!" she screamed, throwing her head back. "God, that was good," she breathed, lowering her chest to mine. I was slow to wrap my arms around her. "Everything all right, Edward?"

"I want to go home," I said flatly. It was in his voice. I scowled. She noticed.

"What's wrong?" She pulled her pants back on and hopped over the seat. I yanked mine off the floor of the car and thrust my legs through them, moving to the seat beside her. She sped for our house.

"Nothing," I grumbled.

"Not Jake and Ness, I hope. I thought you told her you were okay with it. I mean, it's pretty obvious she wants it." I groaned. Hearing Bella talk that way about Nessie was hard. It was obvious though. She projected when she got off. Like, to the whole block. It was insane, and hotter than hell. She couldn't hide it from anyone that I was the one getting her off. I beamed thinking about it.

"Guess not. What are you thinking about?" she asked.

No fat latte.

Damn, burned the toast.

Goddamn paperboy.

It was like a radio was playing inside my head, flipping through frequencies. I didn't understand what I was hearing. Occasionally, I would see things too.

She should not be sitting there. She's right on top of...

I recognized my own voice and leaped from the car, sprinting full force for the door. I knew exactly where Nessie was. It didn't matter that it was my body, that wasn't me!

I stomped up the stairs and saw my girl wrapped around my own waist.

"What are you doing?" I roared at him, me, whatever. He was in shock, I saw myself - himself through his eyes - my eyes. Fuck!

I was hell on fire and I was going to burn him down.

"Edward! Will you calm down?" Bella screeched. I ignored her, but she continued. "Jacob and Nessie have sex. You know; you condoned it. What are you so upset about?"

I can't hear thoughts, I heard in my own voice.

Thanks for keeping up, Mr. I'm-a-century-old. "That's right, dipshit; I can. Now would you put her down?"

"Edward!" Bella grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me back.

Nessie was worried about me. About her dad, who was acting so strangely.

Edward finally grabbed a clue and put his daughter down.

God, he was flashing me to everyone. "And put on some pants!"

"Your fly is undone," he informed me. I looked down to see I was flashing him around a bit too. Whatever, not like I was sporting wood. Nessie's thoughts were still whirling with what could ail a vampire. She wondered if maybe it was a mental condition.

"I think everyone needs to take a moment and calm down," Nessie said. "Dad, please, go to your room," she was talking to me. "I'll go to mine if that will make you feel better."

I was about to tell her it would when I heard my own voice again. Listen to her. Think what has happened so far. Do you want them to know who they were really with?

Eek, good point. Bella would take my head off for certain. Mine and Edward's. I nodded, but didn't move immediately. Oh, right, my room, as in Edward's room. I turned for the door.

I heard Bella's footsteps behind me, Nessie's thoughts for both of us, Edward's desperation to get enough space to find a way out of this.

He'd better find a way out of this.

"Edward, what has gotten into you?" Bella whispered.

"Nessie, can I have a minute?" my voice said across the hall.

"Nothing, just, out of sorts. Give me some space?"

She quirked an eyebrow but stepped out, meeting Nessie in the hall to make breakfast.

I sat on the bed and held my aching head. I heard my own voice across the hall again, glad to have a minute to talk to me. He knew what was going on. HE had done this.

As soon as my face came through the door, I sprung, knocking myself flat and wringing my neck, as Edward had done to it in human and wolf forms before. He started coughing, gasping for air. I was suddenly thrown back into the wall, away from my own body, by Bella.

Oh my God, what was that? Nessie was on her way up now, too.

"Edward! What has gotten into you? Are you all right, Jake? Maybe you should go downstairs. I need a word with my husband."

I'm glad she isn't actually talking to me, the fucker thought in my own voice. Bella might be scarier now, but I wasn't about to back down from her.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thank you, Bella," the creep continued to say with my own mouth. I was enraged.

Bella looked at Edward oddly. "Are you sure you're okay, Jake?"

I realized for the first time that I couldn't hear her. I knew Edward couldn't, but damn it was nice when everyone else was shouting. Mrs. Hamilton was trying to find her cat, and that sounded like screeching, too.

I don't sound like Jacob. "Sure, Bells, why wouldn't I be?"

"Don't you imitate me, you piece of crap." I snapped. Everything seemed red and all the thoughts around me got louder. "You undo this, right now! I can't think!"

Bella and Nessie were both at my side.

Ness put a hand to my head. Temperature normal, pupils normal, texture normal, response normal... She continued to diagnose me. "What's wrong, Daddy? Undo what?" Breath, flat. He's low on blood. "You need to hunt," she told me.

Hunt? Oh holy hell, that's what the burn in my throat was. Well, at least ripping the throat out of an animal wasn't new to me.

"What else is wrong?" she asked. Everything else seems to be fine. Something isn't right though. Like there's a short circuit somewhere. But where?

Nessie finding the problem made me feel better. That was exactly what was wrong; I wasn't firing on all cylinders. Well, I wasn't firing the right cylinders.

"Nothing. I'm all right." After all, physically there was nothing wrong with me.

"I don't think you are, Edward." Bella's voice startled me after hearing everyone else before they spoke. "Maybe you should hunt, get a good distance from everyone. That always helps balance you."

She's right. My own voice told me. The voices will stop. Come back slowly and you'll adjust. You have to learn to filter them out. I remembered how they had started slow and then bombarded me through the city.

No! "I don't have to learn anything. You need to fix this." Until then, I needed to get the hell out of here.

Five miles - that wouldn't take long. I headed away from the house which was on the outskirts of Seattle. The voices faded and were replaced by the familiar sounds of nature. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I smelled a deer a few hundred yards away. I ran it down and bit into the doe's neck. Edward's body took over, drinking rather than ripping. The blood was tangy and hot, but musky, almost muddy. It wasn't good. I dropped the deer as soon as I'd taken the edge off the burn. The trees rustled behind me and I crouched in defence.

Bella burst from the trees, concern on her face. "What is wrong with you? You are acting like someone else today." She looked at the deer. "You didn't finish it?" She sounded surprised.

I had no idea how to answer, so I shrugged. She stepped closer and touched my cheeks.

This was familiar. It was something she would do with me, before Nessie. When she worried about my feelings, she would look into my eyes, just like she did now. I never learned what she looked for, what she found.

Then she was kissing me again. I started to struggle, and she stepped back, holding her mouth in shock.

"I... I'm sorry," she said, turning and running from me.

Her scent was easy to follow, although it no longer burned my nose. I caught her quickly, pinning her with her back to a tree.

"Wait," I told her, hoping to find a way to explain.

I saw the hurt in her eyes. Dammit, there was only one way to make this better. That bloodsucker had better find us a way out of this. I kissed Bella, our first kiss, well the first kiss I'd wanted to have - gentle and slow.

She sighed. "You scared me," she whispered against my lips. "I thought you were leaving me again. You are acting as strangely as you did then." She rubbed the back of the hand that was cupping her ear and cheek.

"No," I answered softly. "I told you. I will never leave you." I kissed her again and it was night of the living dead in my pants. It was like the burn in my throat only much lower. What was this? It was like I couldn't quite control myself.

Was it like this when Bella was human? Was he sporting wood for two years straight? How had he not blown her head off on the honeymoon?

In the time it took these questions to run through my head, we had both dropped our pants. I decided not to question and let Bella do what it was obvious she wanted to do. She must be feeling the same burn. This was just damn creepy. I didn't want to be a bloodsucker anymore. I pulled Bella up, pressing her into the tree and tried to pretend that I was with Nessie. It wasn't really working.

Forgive me, Nessie.

Nessie POV

I sat in class twirling my pencil. Something was wrong with Jacob and Edward. The same something. It wasn't physical, something I could easily diagnose, but I could feel it. The professor droned on and I felt my lids grow heavy. I never fell asleep in class, but today, my eyes would not stay open. I blinked heavily and opened my eyes in a different lecture hall.

I thought maybe I'd managed to sleep through the entire class, but I looked around and the students weren't the same. I looked at the notes in front of me. Psychology? I wasn't taking any Psych this semester.

I listened to the lecture a few minutes and realized where I was. This was Mama's class. That made no sense. I looked down at my hands and saw Mama's wedding ring on the left. I put fingers to the inside of my wrist, suddenly sure of what I would find - nothing. No pulse. How had I turned into Mama? I rose quietly and excused myself. I ran for the house. Jacob had opted to skip today and it seemed I would as well. Actually, Mama would.

Mama... where was Mama? I detoured toward my lecture hall and saw myself leaving.

"Mama?" I asked in her musical voice.

"Nessie," she answered with my throat and a smile. We hugged quickly. "What happened?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I was nodding off in my class and then suddenly I was in yours." We walked side-by-side toward the cars. I stopped suddenly. "Edward and Jacob weren't acting like themselves either. Did Daddy try to push you away this morning?"

My jaw dropped as Mama registered what I was saying. "That was Jacob?"

I felt queasy. I had had a little more fun than I should have this morning if that was my father. "I think so. I think that's what I couldn't put my finger on. Did Edward, I mean Jacob... Did they both stay home?"

"Yes," Mama answered, jumping in the other vehicle. "I'll meet you there." She pulled out of the lot with a squeal of tires. I was on her bumper.

What was happening to us? It was as though our souls, our essences, had been traded. But why? How? How could we fix it?

Mama jumped out of the car and ran for the house, my skirt flaring around her hips. I was at the door ahead of her. Shoot, vampire speed. I made a note not to do that again. I ran up to the bedrooms where I could hear Cubby's heartbeat. At least they hadn't killed each other. I peeked in.

He was sleeping. I smiled. He looked so wonderful when he slept. I stepped in and curled up with him.

He was so warm! Like a hot cup of tea, almost burning. I was in Mama's body. This was terribly confusing.

"Mmm, Bella." One of Jacob's long arms reached out and grabbed me pulling me closer. Suddenly, I was being kissed again. I almost bit his tongue before I remembered who I was and that my mouth was full of venom that could kill him.

"Wake up, Edward," I told him.

"You sound wonderful," he murmured in his sleep.

"He's asleep?" my own voice asked from the door. She came in and helped me lift his arm and took my place. "I get to watch him sleep," she whispered, snickering.

I laughed too. I kissed each of their cheeks, my own even hotter than Jacob's.

"Bella," he moaned again, grasping her more tightly. It was disconcerting to hear Cubby say my mother's name like that. I decided to try and find Jacob by following my father's scent.

I found him in the woods, drinking a deer. He turned when I approached. "Bella, I... I... don't... No, you stupid cock. Would you listen to the brain?"

I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. "Why should that one listen any better than the other?" I teased.

"Nessie?" he asked.

"I don't know what's going on, Cubby. But I don't like... whoa." I'd stepped close to him and it was like my body had suddenly taken over. This wasn't like when I started kissing him and my body knew what to do; this was like I was possessed. Like the burn that filled my throat when I craved blood had found a new channel.

He smiled broadly. "You're Nessie," he said. Suddenly, I was on the ground and my clothes were gone. I closed my eyes and quickly forgot my father's face. Cubby was doing all the things Cubby did. He felt a little different. He had more hair, didn't weigh as heavily on me, but he was Cubby.

"Yes," I murmured as he brought me pleasure. "God, make me come so I can start thinking again."

"Yes ma'am," he rumbled, doubling his efforts.

"We need to not talk; we sound weird." I laughed and he laughed with me, both sounding like bells. It was so strange hearing my parents when I was having sex.

Jacob stopped suddenly. "We're vampires."

I tried to project that I wanted him to finish. Apparently, I couldn't do that as Mama, so I said, "Yes?"

"What sorts of weird crap can we do with these bodies?"

"Jacob!" I was scandalized.

"Not dangerous," he frowned. It was a familiar face of my father's and I laughed again. "No, I mean. Like this!" He jumped straight up to the top of the tree we were lying under.

Now that was cool. I followed. Then I jumped down, belly flopping on the forest floor and sending a spray of leaves and needles around me. I laughed madly.

"Oh... Oh my... That was fun." I continued to giggle until my father's form came falling from the tree on top of me.

I smirked. Jacob was fun, but he wasn't always bright. I pushed myself up, crashing into him and sending both of us back into the tree, breaking it in half. I landed atop him, both of us laughing now.

"Okay, this was a great idea," I admitted to him.

"What do you think your parents are doing with our bodies?"

Bella POV

Edward woke slowly, his nose in my hair, my hair the colour of his. He and Nessie had such gorgeous hair. It was a little weird watching Jacob sleep, but every time he murmured he would say something so... Edward. He blinked Jacob's long lashes and focused on me. He started and then relaxed.

"You've gotten so big," he murmured, nuzzling my hair again. "I remember when you were a baby."

"Really? I didn't think you knew me in the 80s," I joked, knowing he was referring to Renesmee.

Jacob's forehead creased in confusion. "Nessie?"

"Nope," I whispered, kissing him. "It was nice to watch you sleep."

His eyes widened. "Bella?"

I nodded. "We don't know what's going on, but it happened to Nessie and me, too."

Jacob's stomach rumbled. I laughed at Edward and his look of embarrassment.

"You didn't have lunch?" I guessed.

"Just an apple. I had the urge for a nap," he said with a grin. "And I was hoping the apple would keep the doctor away," he nibbled my ear. "It seems to have worked somewhat."

"Yes, she's off running around with Jacob. Did you talk to him anymore?" I was worried about my friend.

"No. I was a little worried he'd try to choke an answer out of me. I wish I had one to give him." The gurgling returned and I hopped off the bed.

"Enough, you need food. It hasn't been that long since I cooked last. What would you like?"

"Cookies," he said with a grin.

That wasn't what I was expecting. "Okay. Anything else? That's not much of a meal. Oh! Did you ever eat cookie dough when you were kid?"

His eyebrows rose as he towered behind me. "No, always after they were baked."

"Oh, you are getting your cookies, my one hundred year-old friend, baked and dough."

After watching Edward eat the half of the dough that didn't fit on the cookie sheet, I started to wonder if this was such a good idea.

"Those smell delicious, Bella. Are they done yet?" He was peeking in the oven. He had just finished licking the spoon for the last time. I had only gotten one pinch of the dough. Nessie's taste buds didn't care for it, even unbaked.

"Nearly." I looked with him as the cookies browned. I opened it and touched one, the middle holding up to my pressure. "Yep." I pulled them out with a mitt and Edward grabbed one right off the sheet, popping it in his mouth, whole.

I chuckled. "Always the gentleman."

Jacob's skin flushed with Edward's embarrassment. "I'm really hungry, and they smell really good."

"Don't they burn your fingers?"

"Not when you're fast," he grinned, snagging another.

I popped one in my mouth too. Nessie's tongue might not appreciate the flavours, but my mind did. I remembered cookies.

"Okay, you need more than cookies. I'm going to grab you some clothes and we're going to feast." I started making a list, planning to swing by several ethnic restaurants. Edward would have never tried Sushi for instance, or a burrito, or shwarma, or falafel. This was going to be fun. I brought him jeans and a black tee.

"Aren't you going to turn around?" he asked.

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "You don't remember flashing it at me earlier?"

He flushed again and pulled the shirt over his head to cover it. "Bad enough having real Nessie ogling me," he muttered.

I rubbed his arm once he had the shirt on. "I'm sorry. That would have been hard for you. We understand. We didn't know." Then I smacked his arm lightly. "You should have just told us."

"Do you remember what you were doing with me, well Jacob, right before you drove home?"

I flushed now, feeling Nessie's face heat up. Mind you, at least I wouldn't have done it again, as I had. He had me mad now.

"Do you know what I did in the woods before I went to class?" I snapped. "What I wouldn't have done if the pair of you had just fessed up?"

He bowed his head, shamefaced. "I'm sorry, Bella. We didn't think you'd find out. We didn't want you to find out."

"Well, I did find out. Spilt milk," I muttered. "Not like I haven't kissed Jacob before," I teased, turning to grab Nessie's bag.

Edward spun me into his chest and kissed me. It was Jacob I was seeing though, and I fought instinctively. Then I laughed at myself. "Jealous?" I asked him. "Cuz, Jacob is kissing me now, too."

He looked at his hand on my chin and laughed as well. "So that's why you struggled. At least you didn't break your hand this time."

"No kidding! How would you have your feast if I broke your jaw!" Nessie's punch was a lot better than my human one.

Edward's usual laugh was replaced with Jacob's hearty guffaw; it warmed me.

"Now let's go. We have a lot of take out to pick up."

I set the assembled food on the table when we returned, claiming the ice cream and cake for myself. Nessie didn't have Jacob's appetite, so I wasn't wasting any on meat and potatoes.

Edward didn't say much aside from questions about what each dish was. He recognized most from his travels, but of course, he hadn't paid a lot of attention to the food being eaten.

He finished with the deep-fried Mars bar I had had to scrounge the city for. "Oh my God," he murmured. "What was that?" He had eaten half in the first bite.

"That, my love, is nougat and caramel wrapped first in chocolate and then in batter for deep-frying."

"Why didn't they deep fry anything when I was seventeen?" he moaned, shoving the second half in his mouth and rolling his eyes back in his head. Then he groaned. It was different from all the happy mouthful moans earlier.

"What?" I asked concerned. "What's wrong?"

He put a hand to his stomach. "Did you know it is actually possible for Jacob to be full?" He belched, his eyes going wide. "Excuse me!" he said, appalled.

I laughed madly. "That make room for more?"

"Just enough for a bite of your cake, assuming you're willing to share."

"I think I have one bite to spare." I lifted the fork to his mouth and he wrapped his lips around it before licking the chocolate off them.

"Delicious. All of it. Scrumptious. I must tell Rosalie about this, it will make her head spin."

I laughed. It probably would, knowing Edward had gotten a day as a human.

"Have you tried shifting?" I asked him.

He frowned. "I didn't try. That was very disconcerting. I don't think I'll do it again. It's not painful, at least."

"Well, what would you like to do then?"

"Take you to bed."

"Haven't you ravaged your daughter's body enough for one day?"

He frowned. "Not funny."

"Okay." I rolled my eyes. "I have to say, after seeing Jacob's-"

"Please don't..." He seemed to know where my thought was going and pinched the bridge of his nose.

I laughed loudly. "Do you know how funny it is to see Jacob doing that? Oh my God, I need a picture." I grabbed Nessie's cell phone, snapping quickly, before Edward could move far.

"Enough," he growled, scooping me up. "I want to sleep with my wife. I never got to do that."

I sighed. It was true. I slept with him, but he never slept with me. "I could sleep," I murmured.

"Good," he murmured kissing my temple.

Many hours later... Jacob POV

I woke up with the red of sunrise through the window. Nessie was curled in my side. Was it Ness? "Psst, Princess. That you?"

"Hmm? Cubby?" she asked, blinking. "Oh, hey! We're back." She looked down at herself. "This is what I wore to class yesterday. Are you kidding me? My mother and father spent that whole day sleeping?"

"Yes we did!" Edward called from the other room.

"Sleeping and eating," Bella added. "Thanks for the chocolate cake, sweetie. I've been craving that for fifteen years."

Nessie laughed.

"Oh," she continued, "would you like to explain how I got spruce needles in my panties?"

I laughed with her, remembering that, and we rolled right off the bed, clutching our sides.