Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Parody -
By Super_Tinfoil_Man part2 -
AN - I do not own Harry Potter or any of the related Potter content in this story.
AN - Go Leafs Go. Story might contain unsafe, dangerous content for kids.
Chapter 1 - Chapter 1 - Extreme Championship Edition -
When will this madness end ? It was I, the blackness of black, who turned on the BBQ that killed my entire family. I sued the company but they said that the propane never explodes like that, they blamed it on me ! But alas, this tale of magic and mystery is not about the narrator introducing the story to the readers, its about a boy-who-can't be-named Harry Potter.
Lets zoom in on that London office where unsuspecting Muggles are slaving away with paperwork, they seem oblivious to a swirling funnel cloud heading toward The Millennium Falcon Bridge.
" So then my wife said…." The London office worker suddenly caught a glance of the dark funnel swirl heading toward the bridge named after Han Solo's space ship. All the workers jumped up to the window and watched the strange tornado destroy the bridge.
" Weird huh ? So anyway, she kept saying that I…"
Now let's fly over to a house somewhere, what's this ? Its inside the house now, its raining pretty bad outside, (sniff ) (sniff) I need some underarm deodorant, we see the back of a newspaper yapping about …GUESS ! Harry Potter….the newspaper lowers to reveal Severus Snape !
" Run along, worm guy. " Snape waved his hand as the women entered. He filled up three glasses of some really awesome wine called Really Awesome Wine, vintage 1902.
" I've nowhere else to turn Severus . " Narcissa said a little too desperately.
" There's plenty of room here to turn around, you're not that fat. " Snape muttered rudely, then tossed her one of the glasses of wine, she juggled it as wine spilled on her dress.
" That was rude. " Bellatrix said as she caught her wine glass easily. Snape smirked then downed his portion quickly.
" I know I ought not be here, the Black Lord forbids me to speak of it…" Narcissa started.
" He's the Dark Lord stupid, not the Black Lord. " Severus sighed as he sat back down and picked up the newspaper.
" Draco, wands and taking your word. " Narcissa muttered.
" Things and other boring things. " Severus muttered, mutteringly.
" Taking your word, protection and other fun things that are dark and fun. " Bellatrix bambled on. They all babbled on like this for the next ten minutes, then something weird happened. Then it happened again and again.
At an underground train station…..
Here at The Eating Place, bored patrons sat around reading different newspapers. A waitress wandered over to one of the patrons and eyed his newspaper, the patron lowered the paper to reveal….HARRY POTTER !
" Harry Potter ? Who's Harry Potter ? " The waitress asked Harry Potter.
" Didn't you see the first few movies ? " Harry asked her as she leaned over him to remove all the garbage he left on the table, he eyed her smooth skin, her slightly freckled neck, her perfectly round breasts, her nice hands, her unwashed hair ? WTF ?
" Funny that paper of yours, a couple of nights ago I could swear that I could see some of the pictures move. " The dirty haired, perfectly round breasted waitress said conversationally.
" Really. " Harry responded.
" Ya, thought maybe I'd gone nuts. " She said cleaning up more stuff. When she stopped cleaning...she was done ? WTF ?
" Hey…" Harry is completely cut off by her.
" I get off at eleven. " She said strangely then walked back to the bar.
Harry glanced over at the arriving train, he could see Dumbledore appearing eventually as the train flew past. Harry got up and made his way to the other side of the landing platform, Dumbledore was eyeing an advertisement.
" I once knew a Muggle girl with hair like stringed cow shit. No light could penetrate it. You've been reckless this summer Harry. " The great wizard folded his old arms.
" I like riding around on trains. " Harry responded.
" Are you on drugs or something ? " Dumbledore lashed out in anger.
" N-N-No sir ! Not lately ! " Harry stammered.
" I'm here talking to you about women and you respond with - I like riding around on trains - what the hell is wrong with you ? " Dumbledore leaned in close to check out Harry's pupils.
Brack ! Dumbledore stood back from the strange farting sound coming from Harry.
" I just Apparated , didn't I ? " Harry asked.
" No, " Dumbledore put his hand on the boy's shoulder, " we call that -farting- in Hogwarts. "
He then grabbed Harry and they both disappeared in a wave of special effects, they swirled around and around in nothingness until the world appeared again inside a village square. The great wizard led Harry up some dark streets, past houses with special effects marked on them.
" Welcome to the charming village of Budlight Babberton Harry. I assume you're wondering why I've brought you here, am I right ? " Dumbledore asked.
" I was wondering, since you kidnapped me and all. " Harry responded, Dumbledore was unimpressed. He glanced at the small stone house in front of them.
" Wand out Harry. " Dumbledore commanded.
" No ! I knew it ! I'm not taking out my wand you creepy old man ! " Harry whimpered.
" No jerk, your magic wand you use to cast spells. God, what an idiot. " The great wizard rolled his old eyes.
Harry and Dumbledore entered the old dirty house, the old wizard called out for Horace with no response. Dumbledore used the flashlight spell to illuminate the hallway, it was really scary in this place. There was a scary grandfathers clock lying in a scary, broken way on the floor, a scary newspaper being scary fluttering away near the creepy window.
Dumbledore let out a war cry then turned and jabbed his wand into the chair next to him.
" Oh Jesus ! Right in the cock ! " Horace instantly transformed from a chair into an older guy, he rubbed his crotch as he stared at his new visitors.
" You make a very convincing arm chair Horace. " Dumbledore smiled.
" What gave me away ? " Horace asked.
" You still have trouble transforming your testicles Horace, I thought the arm chair with balls was a big giveaway. " Dumbledore gave a mock jab at Horace's nuts, his friend flinched.
" Horace, I'm sure you know who THIS IS ! " Dumbledore spun around twice presenting the-boy-who-can't-be-named-right-now.
" I-I-It-it-it-it can't be, can it ? " Horace could barely speak.
" The one and ONLY ! " Dumbledore spun around twice again.
" The legendary…." Horace whispered.
" The chosen one….." Dumbledore added.
" The hero of heroes. " Horace's voice quivered.
" Oh for shit sakes, I can't take all this glorified character whoring anymore ! " Harry screamed, his glasses flew off.
The three of them stood silent for a moment. The room was quiet now, except for the ticking of the grandfather clock, but the clock was broken so it couldn't be ticking, so it was really silent, no sounds, get it ?
" The king of kings. The Icon. " Horace continued.
" I give up. " Harry quit as he searched for his glasses.
" This place could use a tidying up. Slob. " Dumbledore raised his wand and used the force to clean the place up with magic.
" Now, do you mind if I take a piss ? " Dumbledore asked. Horace raised his arm and pointed to the washroom while his gaze never left HARRY POTTER ! Dumbledore thanked Horace, then the great wizard pissed on the floor.
" You look like your father, but you've got your mothers…" Horace talked but his gaze never left Harry Potter.
" Eyes, I know, I have my mothers eyes. " Harry sighed again.
" ….no, you have her tits. " Horace breathed.
To be continued….