ANNNDD... here's Sonny's letter. Thanks for the long wait! But here's a problem... it's not to good. I wanted to get it out there asap and I know you've waited long enough. So I'm so sorry. It's quite short. Oh God, i'm sorry.

Dear Chad.

By the time you have read this letter, I will be gone from the world. I plan to do it quick, I don't expect some rescue mission and I don't want some melodramatic movie scene when you come and sweep me off my feet. Because this isn't the movies, it's real life with real pain and real heartbreak.

You broke my heart, Chad. And I honestly don't think that there is ever any way possible of rebuilding it.

After the... break up. After it, I was a ghost in a world full of non-believers, I was a boat in the dark passing by. It was as if my life didn't mean anything, as if my body was a vehicle and the driver had set it to auto-drive. I moved among the people with a plastic smile painted upon my face - even to me, I could see the grimace in the way my lips curved over face. I functioned myself to interact, ask questions instead of just answering them. And it worked, no one saw the tears behind my eyes and the scream behind my mouth. I will not kill myself tonight, I will only be throwing away the cage I am stuck in, for I was killed when I saw you and her. I was already gone.

And that image, that heart-shattering image, is the last thing I see when I fall into a broken sleep. It's the only thing that is imprinted on my mind constantly. And it is the image that will be with me when I do it. When I finally end it all. When I finally have a peaceful sleep with total blackness, it'll be over. Finally.

How stupid was it that I actually thought you loved me? But when I saw you and her together, in the bed that I'd made just that morning, I realised it had all just been a ploy, a game. I guess, I should've known, I wouldn't have been the one to change you, I can't believe I fell for the same damn trick I'd always criticised. Why did I think you loved me? I just another girl.

I didn't feel my heart break; I felt it get ripped out my chest, thrown to the ground, shattered upon impact and shoved back into my crushed ribs.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I didn't sleep with you, I'm sorry I wasn't ready, I'm sorry I wanted to wait until I was 18. I'm sorry I led you to grabbing a shag from the bike of the studio. I'm sorry I walked in on you. I'm sorry Portlyn left you after.

There's so much I need to say, and so little hours in the day.

I want you to know, I want you to always remember: I love you. It's a far-fetched wish I guess, I know you won't remember me. I was just another girl in a line of thousands. I have to give it to you, Chad, you're a good actor when I was screaming and crying and leaving. You made me almost believe you wanted me back, but then hours turned into days which turned into weeks. And you didn't care, you walked about the hallways passing me in a distracted way, ghosting beside me, not even seeing me.

That was when I made the decision.

I let myself fall for you completely, I was totally in love with you, I fell for your charm and your way of words. I understand now, they were just words from scripts.

I love you, I will always love you.

I'm scared, Chad. I don't know what there is in the afterlife, but I've decided anything is better than seeing your uncaring face all day. If there is a God, like Tawni so strongly believes, I'll watch over you, though you don't want me to. And when your time comes, so long into the future, I'll be there to watch your pass between the two lives.

And if there is nothing after, something I fear so much, well then I guess, it was nice knowing you. You defiantly made my life interesting. And I loved it.

I loved it all. I loved the fights, the kissing, the late-night movies, the laughing, the crying. It's been the best time of my life, that's why I want to end it. I want to end it on the best years of my life.

I'm not going to cry, Chad. Because I still love you, so goodbye. For now,

I'll see you in Hell.

Chad Dylan Cooper,

I love you, forever and always. Yours for eternity,


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