[Disclaimer] I don't own the wonderful Twilight Universe. Everything belongs to SM.
[A/N] Hi everyone.
There are two things that you should know before reading this story. First this is very different from the rest of my stories, so there are going to be zero wolves in this story. (Yeah I know…I'm shocked too)
Second - in case someone didn't read the summary. This is going to be a femslash story. So if you don't like reading this kind of things – feel free to press the return button on your computer right now.
# Thanks to Momma Bear and ladyglaukopis from PTB for being my betas in this chapter. I appreciate all your hard work and hug you virtually#
I had never given much thought about with whom I would fall in love - though I had reason enough in the last few months –but even if I had, I wouldn't have imagined it to be with the person in front of me.
I stared into her topaz colored eyes, which seemed to be glowing in the weak light that surrounded us.
Her rose-petal colored marble lips touched my left wrist very gently for a moment, before teeth cut through the delicate pale skin.
There was fire streaming through my veins now – her fire.
I knew that if I had never come to this place, I wouldn't be facing death now. As terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret any part of the painful events that lead to this, because as painful as they were, they also lead me to Alice.
This was just the last step of a long journey and it would soon be over.
Dying for somebody else, someone I loved seemed like a good way to go.
That ought to count for something. My lips twitched into the weak attempt of a smile, before everything went dark around me.
**About Undelivered Letters**
I turned on the rusty faucet in front of me and splashed some ice-cold water on the skin of my overheated face. My brown eyes were red and slightly swollen because I had been crying during the entire flight to New Orleans.
Biloxi, Mississippi – this is where I'm living now, but the place doesn't really matter; it could be any other or it couldn't. It definitely wasn't my choice to switch schools in the middle of my senior year.
In fact there were three persons to blame for this sudden and unplanned change of my environment.
The first one was the most obvious – my ex…I cringed at the word…ex-boyfriend, who had managed to set me in a state of complete numbness when he cut himself out of my life four months ago. I always assumed that the opposite of love was hate, but that isn't true – it's indifference. There was this burning hole in my chest now that ached with every breath I took and reminded me every waking minute about what I had lost forever. Edw… he had left a mark inside my soul that wouldn't heal no matter how hard I tried to forget. The fact was that I didn't want to forget. The burning pain in my chest felt similar to salt on a fresh wound and was the only reminder that I hadn't made up the whole thing.
My fingertips touched the cold, pearly white scar on my right wrist over and over again, as if to make sure that it was still there. Yeah, every tiny bit was true and it would never be as if he never existed. I wouldn't let that happen. Sometimes I had a little trouble imagining his face when I closed my eyes…the curve of his lips, the way his eyebrows framed the gold underneath them. My memory was that of a weak human, and as much as it scared me, it was obvious that my memory of him would become bleary as time passed. Maybe some very distant day in the future, when the constant numbness had managed to heal the burning hole inside of me, I would be able to think his name again without pain.
The second person that was responsible for my unwanted move to the beautiful state of Mississippi was my best friend, or maybe I should better say former best friend, Alice Cullen. Like her brother and the rest of her vampire family, she had disappeared. But unlike her brother who took away every single picture of them I had in my room…the visible reminders of her existence hadn't vanished completely.
She was still in my vanity case, which now contained such *essential* stuff like eye shadow-primer. She was still in my closet, covered behind mountains of baggy sweaters in a light blue silk dress that she had bought me on one of our last shopping trips to Seattle. Also she was still in my bathroom, hidden behind the half empty bottle of my beloved strawberry shampoo in a tiny tube of 50 $ conditioner made with herbs from the Swiss Alps.
I missed her like hell, and the urge to talk to her was unbearable. Alice was the one who always managed to cheer me up. She was different from every person, male or female, that I had ever met in my entire life, and it had very little to do with the fact that she was a vampire. Her gift was to see the future, but that seemed more like a curse to me than a gift. It must have been horrible to see visions of the future without being able to change them. In my eyes, her gift was something else. Alice had the ability to see the good and the beauty in everyone around her.
One day, I remember that it was a Wednesday; I sat down in front of my ancient computer and started the email program.
I typed the first message without thinking. It was a very short one, only asking for her new mobile phone number and where they were living now. It took a few moments before it was returned with the information that the email address didn't exist anymore. My hands started quivering slightly, and I hugged myself to keep from falling apart. The hole inside my chest burned like fire.
Nevertheless, I sent four more emails during that first evening. While I typed them, I felt nothing but the familiar numbness that now covered my soul like a band aid. Afterwards, when every single one of those messages were returned unread and undeliverable the hole in my chest seemed to cut me in half. But between those two events, during those split seconds between pressing the send button and the return of the messages, I felt something else; a feeling that only seemed to exist in the deepest corner of my mind.
During that very short period of time, I actually felt hope.
The third and last person to blame for my sudden move to the Magnolia State was my dad, Charlie. Like myself, my father wasn't a man of many words. I was convinced that I had managed to make him think that everything was pretty alright with me. I was the teenage daughter every parent would wish for; I never ditched school, I kept the entire house spotless, and I never moped in front of him. The nights were different though, as I couldn't control what I dreamed about. The constant screaming woke him up every night and left some dark lilac bruises underneath his brown eyes. One day I came back from grocery shopping and I found him in my room in front of the computer.
"Bella, that's it. Enough! I'm sending you home to live with your mother and Phil in Florida."
"What have I done wrong?" I asked him with a shaking voice. "I want to stay here with you!"
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently for a short moment before he let go.
"Honey, you haven't done anything wrong, but this behavior… this isn't healthy. You aren't talking to anyone. You aren't doing anything apart from going to school and the housework. You never smile and you never cry, apart from your nightmares that make the blood in my veins freeze to ice. And now this…."
"What?" I asked confused while he pointed on the computer screen in front of him.
"These emails that you are sending to Alice. The ones that returned undelivered. They are really weird. In fact, they scare the living shit out of me."
"You read my emails – fuck," my voice cracked and came out like a broken record. I felt the tears burning in my eyes and swallowed hard to keep them from falling.
"You had no…no…no…right to…" I stumbled out and he hugged me tightly against his chest as the tears that I had managed to suppress for such a long time covered my face like a curtain of liquid pearls. I cried silently for a very long time, while he stroked my hair with trembling fingertips.
"I'm sorry." I whispered exhausted and took two steps backwards until the back of my knees touched the wooden frame of my bed. I sat down and put my face in my hands.
"You don't have to be sorry, honey. It's not like you have done anything wrong at all. In fact you haven't done anything at all since they left. You don't live, you just exist." Then he sighed deeply.
"Bells, I don't want you to go, but if I let you stay here, nothing is going to change. Something has to change. You can't go on like this for the rest of your life."
I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt and pulled out a paper tissue from my jeans pocket to blow my nose.
"I don't want to go. What if..?"
I began hesitantly.
"He's not coming back, honey." I cringed and felt the bed move underneath me as he set down next to me and put a wisp of hair behind my ear.
"I don't want to live with mom and Phil in Jacksonville. They'll barely be at home when the new season starts in spring. What will I do there on my own?"
"Ok," he declared. "but you won't stay here in Forks; I won't let you grieve yourself to death. Maybe I should send you to live with Aunt Maureen for a few months."
"Mississippi? Dad, I haven't seen Aunt Maureen since Grandma Marie's funeral five years ago."
I rolled my eyes at that. Aunt Maureen was the widow of Charlie's cousin Anthony, and I couldn't really remember much about her. She was blond and had been really pretty when she was young, a former Miss Mississippi State and Miss Mississippi Peach Blossom back in the seventies. The only thing pretty about her now was her thick blonde hair that framed her bloated face like a silky curtain of honey wheat. When you stand too close to her, you can smell peach liqueur on her breath. At least she would be too busy with herself and wouldn't keep asking me too much about things that weren't her business.
"Can I ask you something?" Charlie started hesitantly while he rubbed his eyelids with his thumbs.
"Why did you send all the emails to Alice and not to Edward?" The sound of his name sent a burning pain through the edges of my aching hole.
"I miss her," I whispered out forceless. "I miss talking to her. I miss her laughter, her optimism. If I had emailed Edw…him, I would have only written two words, Come back. I wouldn't have been able to write more; it would have been too painful."
"So Biloxi it is then." He declared after an awkward moment of silence.
"Alright, Dad." I croaked out exasperatedly. "But the place won't change anything – anything at all."
A knock on the pink colored door of Aunt Maureen's bathroom made me cringe and wake up out of my daydream. I quickly twisted my hair into a loose ponytail before I left the room.
"Are you alright, honey-bee?" She mumbled and glared at my reddish eyes with an anxious expression on her face.
I nodded my head and turned towards the small living room of her house. The house, where she lived, was very much like Aunt Maureen herself. It had once been very pretty, but now it was a little bit shabby and smelled of peach liqueur and cat food.
"Your Dad told me that your boyfriend broke up with you." Oh great, he told her about that too.
I nodded my head and started petting the soft fur of the fat tabby cat that was sitting next to me on the couch. He purred loudly as I moved my fingertips over his chin.
"Honey-bee, there is only one thing I know that can make a sore heart sweet again." She opened the cupboard behind her and pulled out a bottle that contained a light orange colored liquid. She placed two beautiful crystal glasses in front of us and poured a full glass for herself and a half full glass for me.
I hesitated for a moment. My parents had never allowed me to drink alcohol, and I was afraid that it would taste bitter and awful.
Aunt Maureen placed the glass between my fingers and touched her glass with mine.
I brought the glass to the edge of my lips and took a sip. It wasn't that bad. I could still taste something tart and bitter, but most of it was covered in the fruity sweetness of peaches.
I took a big gulp and emptied the glass. Moments later, unfamiliar warmth spread through my face and my stomach. It was a strange feeling but not unpleasant.
"It tastes good." I declared and Aunt Maureen nodded her head in agreement.
"Yeah, it does. The good thing is that it helps you to forget how miserable you feel inside. "
She sighed deeply and her eyes caught the wood framed picture of her husband that was hanging on the left wall of the room. At least she had a picture of him to look at, so she wouldn't forget how his face looked.
"I'm going to bed now, Aunt Maureen. I'm really tired from the flight and everything."
"Oh sure thing, honey-bee. We'll go to register you for high school tomorrow morning. Good night, honey-bee and don't forget what you dream tonight. You know that what you dream during your first night in a new bed becomes true."
I cringed slightly when I thought of my constant nightmares becoming reality.
"Good night, Aunt Maureen. Oh and thanks for the drink, too." She smiled at me and poured herself another glass of the light orange liquid that helped her to forget.
The room I was staying in had been Uncle Anthony's workroom. It was stuffed with his books and endless boxes that contained letters and ring binders. He had been a philatelist –someone who dedicates himself to the collection of stamps and everything that had to do with mail in general.
I stumbled over a box that was standing next to my small folding bed and spilled the whole contents over the green carpet.
"Shit." I mumbled between my teeth while rubbing my left ankle that was hurting a little now. I tried to stuff everything back into the box without damaging anything. I was afraid that I might accidently destroy something rare and precious. A small pile of letters caught my eye. It wasn't really the letters themselves or the small blue stamp that was placed in the left corner of each of them. What caught my attention was the short note that was written across the front side of them with a reddish ink.
My fingers opened the small wooden cord that was put around them and I sneezed slightly when the dust upon it tickled my nose.
I sighed deeply and opened the first envelope of the pile.
New Orleans 13th of September 1920
My Dearest Angel,
Mother and father have sent me out of town to live with my crazy Aunt until the awful gossiping stops. I have to share a room with my two little cousins and can barely manage to get a few hours of sleep because Miranda snores like a drunken sailor and Melissa gnashes her teeth the whole night. I really tried to convince my father to let me stay in Biloxi with Mother and Cynthia, but he insisted I had to go for at least a few weeks.
I don't understand why I'm the one who has to be punished. It's not that I did anything wrong during the garden party last week. Well alright, maybe I shouldn't have thrown my glass of peach liqueur in Henry's face, but it was the only thing that I could think of quickly enough before he dared to plant another one of his awful wet kisses upon my mouth. Before it happened, I had one of those strange daydreams I was telling you about. His face was so close in that dream, that I could see every single pearl of sweat on his forehead when he leaned down. So when he came over to talk to me, I just threw the contents of my glass into his face to keep him on a distance. I mean, what else should I have done? Should I have told him something like ..."Well, I kind of dreamed you were going to kiss me, and when your disgusting tongue entered my mouth, I felt the urge to empty my stomach…" Yeah, something like that….kind of. Henry's parents were very enraged when this happened and one bad word lead to another. His mother called me a hysterical person and, that she didn't want to have someone as weird as me in her family. Then father got really angry and declared how much better our family was then theirs, and that they should be happy that he had agreed to accept Henry's wedding proposal. That's right the emphasis in that sentence is "he had agreed." Obviously No one felt the need to ask for my opinion on the whole subject. At the end of the day, I had to give Henry the ring back, and mother cried during the entire ride home. I felt worse for her than for myself. I don't care about Henry and his stupid sapphire ring and I could care less if he agrees to marry me or not. I don't want to get married at all, at least not to someone whose kisses make me sick and certainly not someone who has been chosen by my parents and not me.
Father gave me a very long speech about ladylike behavior and responsibility when we came home that night. He was way too dramatic for my taste and acted like this was the last century and no one has ever called off an engagement before. Father is so old fashioned, it's unbelievable.
I asked him if he really wanted me to marry someone that didn't love me at all. He rolled his eyes at that and inhaled the sweet scent of his cigar before he answered me with a calm voice.
"My dear child, you are too small and too skinny to make someone fall in love with you. All you have to offer is our good name and a flawless reputation that you nearly managed to destroy this evening. You are old enough now to be told the truth, Mary Alice. You are not pretty, not in the way a woman should be to catch a husband. You look like a little fragile bird that has fallen out of the nest too soon."
Isn't that nice? My own father thinks that I'm ugly…how charming. Well I don't really care what he thinks I am as long as you like me the way I am.
Words aren't able to describe how much I'm missing you with every breath I take. Try to write me as soon as you have the possibility. I'm longing to hear from you, my angel.
Always thinking about you,
That night I slept peaceful and nightmare free for the first time in several months. In my dream I found a little bird that had fallen out of its nest and stared at me with huge strangely familiar topaz colored eyes.
# please press the little green button down there, if you want to read more. Thanks for reading