A/N of DOOOOOOM:
Hi Guys, came up with a fun idea for a series of one shots. This is just something i'm doing for fun so please dont take it seriously. There will be a lot of stupidity and lemons coming up. I have put this prologue in to give you guys a little more context and establish the situation.
There will be short ad hoc updates when i can manage it, but i wont be able to update very regularly due to writing other stuff and undergoing a lot of medical treatment.
So sit back relax...and i really hope at least one person gets the Blade Runner pun in the title ;)
SM owns all and she'd probably chase me down if she knew what i was doing to her characters.
PROLOGUE: DO PERVERTS DREAM OF INFLATABLE SHEEP
It had been a few years since we arrived in Volterra. Peter and Char had recently visited for a month long stay, the Cullens were near the 'half way' point into their punishment and Isabella and I had taken care of a number of problems for the Brothers. Times were peaceful and Isabella and I had worked up a decent amount of vacation time.
We were now headed to Montana. Peter and Charlotte's visit had had a strange effect on us. As they had stayed close to our quarters their lust had impacted our sex life significantly. Admittedly, Isabella and I could not have been happier, nor could those around us. The heavy dose of compounded lust from Peter and Char had exploded from us, the mind meld further amplifying the heavy emotion between us to the couples near by. Needless to say Caius was significantly happier since their visit.
Usually I could tame other people's lust, but as I had a venom bond with Peter and strong emotional bond with Charlotte it was nearly impossible to block. After one particularly rough session with my mate I had to find out what the hell they was up to. I walked in on Peter and Char going at it with a pornographic movie playing in the background. Oh shit. I stood there waiting, arms crossed, for them to finish and explain themselves. It kind of backfired when their emotions broke my stoic façade. I had struggled under the weight of their lust, not realising Isabella would be undergoing the same struggle, causing another goddamn amplification.
The final straw was when they climaxed, bringing Isabella and I over the edge with them. Our combined lust was crippling, a vicious cycle of orgasms. Was it possible to orgasm too much? I could have sworn my balls dropped off at one point. Isabella and I had, desperate and shaking, made our way over to each other. We didn't even make it to the bedroom, instead ending up fucking like animals in the hall way. Thank god there very were few people in our wing of the castle.
We had eventually blacked out, but not before thoroughly giving in to our more primitive instincts. The repercussions were swift, the Brother's had ordered us to repair the hall and banned pornographic material during business hours. Apparently, a full business day had passed while we were occupied, furthermore the old VHS player had over heated from Peter's constant rewinding and replaying. He was now expected to replace it and none too happy about it. Nevertheless, he brought a state of the art DVD/ Blu ray player and a crate of new pornographic DVDs to go with it.
These DVDs were currently stashed in the cargo hold of the private Jet. A few members of the guard had "borrowed" the odd movie when they believed we weren't looking, but we still had Peter's favourite; Sheepless in Montana. The plane finally took off. Isabella and I were particularly eager to join the mile high club, Aro made us promise to ensure the plane would be clean when it returned to Volterra. That power of his could be annoying when he was in one of his joking moods.
That thought suddenly brought a realisation. Aro was likely to try one of his pranks, Isabella immediately perked up in response to my insight. Shit. We immediately started looking, trying to work out what he could have done. Knowing him he would have set up video camera's to see our reaction to any of his "fun surprises", Emmett had given him the idea of "Vampire Candid Camera" and introduced him to hidden camera technology.
Carlisle had been on the receiving end of the first prank, it was initiated by Alec's actions in Alaska. Aro had arranged for a dozen long stem roses to be delivered in a marble, nose shaped vase. The other nostril of the vase held a poorly concealed camcorder. Since then his pranks had only gotten worse, and the hidden cameras were better concealed.
Isabella ran to the kitchenette. Bingo. Coffee, tea and sugar packets had been replaced with flavoured condoms. I immediately cringed, we had tried using them once. Emmett had talked us into using them to assist our love making, I should have paid more attention to his emotions. The awful taste of the latex and flavoured lubricant lingered for days, even scrubbing with steel wool didn't help. Neither Isabella and I were happy about going so long without oral sex. I had gotten my revenge though. Dropping a tub of flavoured lubricant over him while he was in the shower and shutting off the water to his room. Rose didn't go near him for days. Aro had a good laugh about that.
Isabella moved on to investigate the shelves. The coffee and tea pots were full of lubricant and massage oil. Typical. The fridge was fully stocked with sex toys and the oven held fluffy handcuffs. Super. At least we could use the hand cuffs and toys. I went to the over head compartment where our carry on luggage was located. I figured I should check if anything else had been tampered with.
I carefully opened my bag. Of course…my hand luggage had been replaced with STD pamphlets. I shrugged and announced "thank you Aro, you're too kind". He was bound to hear my response when he played back the tapes. I heard Isabella's laughter and checked through the Soul bond/mind meld. An inflatable sheep. "What do you think Jazz? Belated Christmas Present for Peter?" An idea popped into my head. I grabbed the sheep as well as the lubricant filled coffee pot and opened the air plug. I carefully poured the lubricant into the inflatable sheep.
Once that was done I emptied the pamphlets from my carry on bag and put the sheep and condoms in the bag for Peter. We took our time folding the pamphlets into various origami animals and set them all over the plane. Thank god we didn't have to go through customs. No one, human or immortal, would look in our direction thanks to the Volturi connections.
Isabella's bag was full of pamphlets on Erectile Dysfunction, we added more animals to our origami zoo. Then put the handcuffs and a few of the refrigerated marital aides in her bag. The plane had finally landed. We disembarked, winking to the cabin knowing somewhere a camera would be recording our exit. It had been an eventful journey, but the bull shit was only just beginning. Peter probably already 'knew' all of this shit. Maybe we should just buy a private island instead.
No dice, Jazz. They'd only follow us. Although it would be nice to have somewhere just for us.
I agree Darlin, maybe we could put traps all over the island so no one else can come near it?
Aro would still see all the traps and it would probably provoke him into worse action
Fuck, you're right.
Getting into the black SUV we headed straight for Peter and Charlotte's ranch. The ride from Stanford Airport was quiet, the calm before the storm. Pulling up we noticed workmen leaving, amusement was coming from all of them. Our crate of DVDs had arrived ahead of us. "Ah, I see Emmett showed Aro how to use photo shop". I did a double take at Isabella's words. "Holy mother of God. What the FUCK?"
Peter came out of the house laughing, "good likeness, isn't it Major?" Someone, probably Aro, had expanded the cover of the Beverly Hills Cock DVD to approximately three feet across. Worse still, they had photo shopped mine and Isabella's face onto the new label.
Peter was doubled over while Char was trying to hold in her giggles. I opened up the duffle bag with Peter's gifts, pulled out the sheep and said "Aro sends his love". I hit him with the sheep as hard as I could. It exploded like a water balloon, covering most of Peter and several feet around him in lubricant.
Let the fuckery begin.