Frankie Say's Relax

~One Shot~

A/N Just a little bit of fun...

Enjoy JoXxx

The excitement and newness of being out in the open had well and truly worn off. Fangbangers lined up rounded the corner of my bar Fangtasia offering themselves night in and night out. The stench of their desperation to please, be used and abused, filled me with disgust and boredom that teetered on insanity. Vermin; every bloody last one off them.

Sat from my vantage point, I surveyed the crowd looking for one that was, less pathetic than the rest. Tall order tonight. My indication tonight may bring something different was a sudden rush of excitement followed immediately by a forceful rush of lust, from my child Pam. I smirked. Unfortunately some idiot with a moustache and bald head believed I was smirking at him began inching closer, so my smirk quickly turned to a sneer of distain.

I knew Pam had picked her meal for the evening, it must be something special as I had not experienced this level of excitement from Pam in quite some time. I also knew she would give me first refusal as the good childe she is. As I inhaled, the sweet scent of evening jasmine, vanilla, sun dried cotton and sunlight so intense you could swear it was midday outside assaulted me. I knew then I would be not be refusing, my fangs ran out a little. Mmm, dinner time. Surely this must be the morsel that had my Pamela so excited.

Scanning the crowd, I watched as they emerged from the doorway. They! Compton and the sun herself, if I had breathed surely I would have missed a breath. She walk with her shoulders back head held high, and had the audacity to dress like a sacrificial Virgin to a Vampire bar. She had an air round her that just oozed innocents and the fool hardy confidence that comes with it.

Mesmerised as they approached the bar, Compton eyes darting around cautiously standing protectively over his 'date'. The fool had already lost her, to bring such a treasure into my bar was an exercise in stupidity. She spoke briefly to Longshadow, before she pulled out some pictures and showed him. They concluded whatever conversation they had been having when she took her drink from the bar, Compton leading her to a table at the edge of the dance floor. Why thank you Compton, I thought. So thoughtful of you, to give me an uninterrupted view of this delectable creature. I seen her eyes widen, then she smiled coyly looking up at me.

By the gods her eyes where stunning, they invoked a memory which I could quite not place- usual. Well it would be considered bad form; not to glamour her when she has presented me with the perfect opportunity, she smiled even wider. I sent my glamour to her, but instead of coming to me. Her smile dropped and she focused her attention to Compton. Just then the pathetic idiot that had been crawling on his belly towards me was in kicking range, I didn't have to think twice about it as the man sailed through the air landing on a nearby table with a satisfying thud. A deep gash had opened up on his forehead, opps.

When I tried my glamour for a second time, I was now more than intrigued that it had not worked a second time. Pam slid up next to me. "Perfection is she not?" she smiled.

"Yes," was all I said.

"There's something different about her, she smells like sun on a breezy day," I had to look at Pam there was such longing in her voice, I was not sure it was for sun on a breezy day or the woman she informed me was called Sookie.

"Pam, is there something familiar about her?"

"Now you mention it, yes. But I cannot think if we had met such a delight we would have ever let her leave the bedroom," she looked deep in thought her mind clearly reviewing her 'vault'.

"She can't be glamoured, at least not by me," I left that hanging as the shock permeated our maker/ child bond. None had glamour as strong as mine in my area, except for perhaps Thalia. With two fingers I beckoned Compton and the sun herself.

As they approached she was even more stunning up close, "Bill," I acknowledged. Much to my annoyance Bill stood a good four feet from us.

"Who's your friend?" Pam asked, already knowing the answer. Her fangs had run out.

"Hi, I am Sookie Stackhouse," she introduced herself like it was nothing. Her accent sweetly southern, matching her lady like persona.

"Aren't you sweet?" It was out of my mouth before I'd even checked my brain. Nothing would have prepared me for her answer.

"Not especially," she answered, with fire. I couldn't help it, I laughed.

"Sookie, I am Eric and this is Pam," I introduced us. For the second time that night she surprised me.

"I know, we've met," she said nonchalantly. Bill's eyes widened in surprise too.

"Care to enlighten us," Pam asked all of her attention focused on one Sookie Stackhouse. Well if Pam couldn't recall, then I certainly wouldn't be able to.

"No," she answered. For the third time I was surprised. I slowly took my eyes of her and fixed Bill with my gaze.

"My friend would like to ask some questions, if that would be acceptable to you?" Bill asked keeping a strong grip on her arm.

I nodded intriguing to what she would ask. I watch with fascination as she pulled two pictures out of her bag, handing them to Pam first. "Have you seen either of these women?" she asked.

Pam and I both regarded the pictures. "I have been with this one," I said tapping my finger on the better looking of the two, beginnings of blush creep up her cheeks- beautiful. The next comment was totally fuelled by need to see more blood rush to her face, "she liked pain," I smirked as I hit the jackpot. She blushed scarlet- delicious. I could tell Pam was surprised I'd answered her. I could smell her how turned on Pam was with this little southern belles blush.

"Well thank you, that will be all of your time I require," her rose bud lips spoke and she attempted to leave but at least Compton had the sense to keep her there, I had not dismissed them.

"Bill are you quite attached to your human?" I asked, I would go about it the polite way first, if he wanted to score major points he would just hand her over.

"Yes, she's mine," he snapped firmly that he thought beggared no negotiation.

"No, I am most am certainly not," she snapped pulling her arm free from Compton. Ah good she was going to come to me of her own free will.

"SOOKIE," Bill said astonished.

"BILL," she said equally forcefully, oh this was too good-beyond amusing. I would enjoy taming her.

"Sookie," he began more in controlled manner, "I promised your Grandmother that I would bring you home safe, I have to claim you to do that," he pleaded with her-pathetic. Sookie had her arms crossed over her chest, one eye brow raise. Little did she know it made her ample bosom even more plentiful.

"Is that so?" she asked. It reminded me of a spider that lures a fly into her web just before she strikes. I couldn't keep the smile of my face as I watched the exchange.

"Yes," he answered oblivious to what was coming.

"Really?" she began Compton nodded, "I don't believe for a second that my Grandmother meant for you to claim me," when she said claim me she did little quotation sign's in the air.

"I am leaving. A-LONE, thank you for your help Mr Northman, Bill," she said coolly with that she turn and took a step to leave before Compton stopped her.

She looked down at his hand with distain, "Oh, that better not be your hand on my person, Bill Compton," she said in annoyed tone. I shot Pam a look, she smiled a fangy smile back.

"Sookie, you don't understand, you need to be protected," Bill whined. Her expression went from furious to amused she began laughing, it sounded like tinkling bells. The whole bar was watching now, the Vampires had been watching her for quite some time. She was doubled over, every time she went to straighten herself up again and speak she would lose control and laugh even harder. She looked so beautiful. Clearing her throat several times wiping tears from the corners of her eyes, she took a couple of deep breath, blanked her face all though the amusement still danced in her eyes. The corners of her mouth fought to stay down.

"Oh Bill, you think me so naive that I would dress like Vampire bait, a sacrificial virgin if you like, smelling like one- for I am," she started giggling again, my cock throbbed at her admittance of her flowered state, again I was surprised when she said sacrificial virgin, had I not thought the very same thing. "And walk in to a Vampire bar, unable to protect myself?" she asked, her shoulders shaking with soundless laughter.

Bill didn't answer he looked like a deer in the headlights. "You did!" she exclaimed clapping her hands together. "You Vampires presume too much, first of all Northman presumes I am human and then you, Bill presume that you could protect me, when you would be as much use as a plastic bottle in a bar fight," she said with her hands on her hips. Pam sniggered.

"Bill tell your beloved Queen to cease her interest in me unless she wants to start world war seven, she can keep my cousin," her eye's had narrowed on Bill. He stood mouth agape. Now my interest was really peaked, I had scooted to the edge of the throne. I knew it, Bill wasn't mainstreaming, he had been the Queens lap dog too long.

"World war seven?" Bill said confused like she had not mentioned the Queen. This woman clearly knew her supe world history.

"Yes, seven," she said exasperated, like it was common knowledge.

"She is right there have been six, the last two included humans because the super natural world could not cover its tracks any longer, what I want to know is how a virgin from Bon Temps knew this," using my super speed I appeared in front of her fangs bared. She fucking rolled her eye's at me, fully grown were's have pissed themselves at such a sight. I pushed her up against a wall.

"You will tell me, how I know you," I demanded, enjoying the sensation of her soft body pressed up against mine. A slight increase in her heart rate, her warm breath across my chest, Mmm. But no indication of fear, it felt like an aphrodisiac all in itself.

"No I don't think so...Now don't cough unless you want to lose you balls," she gave a little push I could feel a dagger pressed between my legs, I froze. Fuck where had that come from. Shit.

"Seeing as you were so help full tonight, I'll give you a freebee next one will cost you a favour. The man in the black baseball cap, is an undercover cop in approximately two minutes his back up is going to raid Fangtasia," she smiled.

"We are doing nothing wrong," I snapped.

"No, well you'll be disappointed that this," she motioned between us with her free hand, "Is actually illegal as it was unsolicited, it's called assault, but I think the nice police officers would be more interested in the Vampire Taryn feeding in the toilets from the man you kicked earlier," she looked smug. I growled, Taryn had been spoken to about this before. I see, I would have to chain the bitch up this time, but how did Sookie know.

"Who are you?" I asked, I had to know it was bugging me now.

"You can call me princess," she giggled as she faded with a pop and disappeared I was left clutching air. It was like someone removed a veil from a section of my mind, the faint smell of Fae mage hung in the air. Suddenly in my mind I was transported to the late eighties, Pam had began power dressing and had those ridicules huge shoulder pads in all her suits and huge hair.

I was holding 'court' in my then supe only bar, when a disturbance at the front door caught our attention, everyone was on high alert when the bouncer at the time Maxwell lee went flying through the air at least twenty feet.

"Well I warned ya, just to let me in," snapped a young girly voice, seconds later she rounded the corner, dragging Micky bound in silver, behind her. She couldn't have been older than twelve, tiny, a scrap of a girl, tea cup sized, clearly something more than human.

What a sight she was, dressed in a pink tutu with holes in her black tights I think they were meant to be like that, a huge white cropped tee shirt hung off one shoulder. Emblazoned on the front it said; 'Frank Says Relax'. Her hands and lower arms were covered in pale pink lace fingerless gloves and a ton of bracelets that jangled as she moved, her chest show promise of the woman she would become, but she was undeveloped. Despite her bodies immaturity her face was breath taking, beautiful. Her huge blue almond shaped eye's were outlined in thick black eyeliner. Her lips full and pouty glistened with lip gloss. This girl would truly be a vision when fully grown. Her hair was black (coloured) and teased big with a bright shocking pink scarf tied in it, the scarf finished in a big bow on the side of her head. A tiny little tiara was also perched on top of her head, her look reminded me of Madonna, just mini sized. Now that was woman who could fuck, like a house on fire.

She was chewing, chewing gum, smacking loudly. "Whats, the meaning of this?" I barked. I had seen five hundred year old Vampire quake at being spoken to like that. She just quirked an eye brow- fearless?

"You the sheriff?" she asked blowing a bubble, like she couldn't give a shit. She had stopped in the middle of the bar. One foot which was adorned in a pink converse high top and legwarmers, now resting on Micky's back, she lean her weight forward on the resting leg, she inspected her nails.

"Yes, Now answer my question..." what was she? human and daemon... no couldn't be she smelt too sweet for that, a witch?

"Fairy," she answered my unasked question. A fairy, well she certainly had some big ones, all four foot eleven of her. A fairy in a Vampire bar all by herself, now that took nerve.

"So sheriff do you have a name?" she asked, her eye's raking up and down me, eye's accessing me.

"Eric Northman and this is my childe Pam Ravencroft," I answered amused by her and her total lack of fear.

"and you are?" I knew I was smirking, but I couldn't help but be amused by her.

"Only your saviour... but you can call me princess..." she paused dramatically, "...Brigant," she smiled smugly. Fuck, an heir to the throne of Fairy. Shit I didn't fear many in my life but Niall Brigant was certainly one. This scrap of a girl was clearly some relation. Like her kin she too showed no fear to my kind.

"How are you a saviour?" Pam asked her tone bored, but I could tell she was anything but.

"Well your boy here, was feeding in public for anyone to see, seeing as staying hidden in the human world is a team effort I thought I'd bring him in," Micky began struggled, she placed two swift kicks to his rib's, I heard them crack and he ceased struggling. Impressive strength.

"I am gonna rip your throat out bitch," Mickey hissed.

She jumped up twirled like a ballerina, with grace and precision kicked him so hard in the jaw his jaw bone broke completely and just hanged. "Shut your nasty little mouth you mouthfucker ...Urgh" she screamed her frustration, grabbing handfuls of her hair, "ah shit HOW am I supposed to be a lady, when you make me so fucking mad." She huffed crossing her arms over her chest, cocking one hip out and pouted. Fucking adorable.

"What do you propose we do with him?" Pam asked, amused.

"Personally if it were up to me I'd just stake this sorry excuse of a Vampire and be done with it, somewhere real quite like, so nobody would know, save you having pay his maker. I thought about doing it like that, but I had my Grandmother with me, not a fan of murder, death, kill -ya know." She rolled her eye's at the end. When she spoke she was so animated, her tiny little hands gesturing wildly.

I suppressed a chuckle at her blatant honesty, "I see, well I am awfully glad you don't make the law's around here, Princess," the last part I said sarcastically. Many sniggered in the bar.

"Yeah, I bet Micky is too," she grinned. Too fucking cocky, too tempting to play with her, may be testing was a better phrase. Just how tough was this little girl?

"May be I should make an example of you ?" I smirked, Pam cocked an eyebrow as she laughed.

"ME," she yelled, her eyes bugging. "I wasn't the one feeding on grannies in public, buddy," she yelled. Buddy, buddy? My eyes darkened at her name calling.

"Perhaps I should just drain your grandmother, to teach you a lesson," I snarled. Instead of anger or fear at the threat her face lit up.

"Could you?" she asked eagerly, excited, "Micky has already tried, but that was like waaaay too public," she mused. What? Shit. I couldn't work out, why she would want her grandmother drained. Nothing surprised me these days, but this little girl had surprised me more in our short encounter than I had been in the last ten years.

"A blood offense?" I asked, wondering how fucked we were here, the last thing I wanted was to anger the ruling house of Fae, unnecessarily.

"Naw she is just regular human, but grabbing a snack outside the mall for all to see, not cool man," she sounded like she couldn't care less that her own flesh and blood had been attacked.

"I see and why, pray tell would you want me to drain your grandmother?"

"My great granddaddy, Niall; sent me to live with her, because apparently I am too unruly, and have the manners of a werewolf and it's not lady like to fight all the time. My grandmother is teaching me how to be a lady, ha good luck with that," she continued her animated way of speaking totally unaware she had the whole bar entranced in her declarations. When she said her grandmother was teaching her to be a lady she put on a funny posh voice. Utterly charming. "And do you even know what the old coot of a fairy did?" she asked indignantly. I shook my head trying to suppress the grin that threatened to overtake my face. Hilarious I wondered what, Niall would make of being call an old coot.

"Well I'll tell ya, he made me, fairy promise not to kill her AND to follow her rules, a human-can you imagine! Huh. How do you like that?" she looked angry now, all riled up. I knew a fairy promise was a big deal to the Fae and they would rather slaughter their whole family than go back on one.

"Wow, don't you have to protect her?" Pam asked clearly enjoying this little fairy, she was clearly enjoying her scent that was for sure, her fangs had not come up once.

"Can I have a coke?" she asked not answering the question.

"Sure," I signalled for Longshadow to get her a drink.

"No need, I'll get it," she said she waved her hand in the air, a glass of coke with ice and lemon appeared on a nearby tabled. She walked over sat down, lifting her feet up in the air she clicked her fingers and Micky appeared under them. She lowered them with a thud on his back, like a foot stool. I watched her intently as she took a sip of her drink the lemon not affecting her, all Fae are highly allergic to lemon but apparently this does not apply to Princess Brigant.

"ah, that's better... do I have to protect her? yee-aah, in ideal world," she said thoughtfully, "but looked at all these Vamps," she swept her hand gesturing to the bar. Next she spoke like it was an effort to make the words, "what can I say I was over powered, it was too late by the time I got too her," she shrugged her shoulders. Pam and I roared with laughter. She was a riot.

"Mmm this is my favourite bit," she scooped out the slice of lemon and bit into it making a face that it tasted was sharp. I watched her intently for ill effects but there appeared to be none.

Pam could no longer hold her tongue, "Aren't fairies supposed to be allergic lemon?"

"Yeah, I've got all the strengths and none of the weaknesses, at least my human relatives were useful for something," She replied taking a sip of coke. Interesting, very interesting.

I was about to ask her more questions, when Maxwell Lee who had recovered from being thrown half way across the bar signalled me.

"Maxwell?" I said.

"The fairies human Grandmother is at the door," he said, but before I could say anything an elderly woman in a navy blue Sunday dress barged passed him.

"Shit," whispered the Princess, her whole body became small as if that would hide her somehow.

"This is no place for a young lady," the woman chastised her granddaughter. It was easy to see where the young girl had got her formidable personality from.

"Adele, I told you to wait in the car this is supe business," the little fairy fired back glaring at her grandmother.

"Don't sass me girl," she yelled back, meeting her granddaughters glare with her own. "Did you use your pleases and thank yous for that drink?" asked Adele. This was hilarious. The princess huffed crossing her arms over her chest, she jutted her nose in the air and looked in the other direction.

"Did she?" the woman looked at me with her hands on her hip's, cocking an eyebrow at me, as if to say well? I smiled, I may have chuckled. Her whole demeanour changed towards me, "Oh I see, you think it is amusing my granddaughter has been spoilt rotten, her every whim catered too, so much so that now she has the manners of someone who was raised by wild animals," she had her finger raised pointing at me, did this human even realise she was posturing with a thousand year old Vampire.

I shot a look at the Princess, I smiled a smug smile, "No ma'am, I do not finding it amusing, especially some one of her station. It's just disgraceful and ma'am to answer your earlier question. She never used her pleases and thank yous," after I had finished speaking, the Princess was glaring at me and Adele gaze bore holes into her granddaughters head. I winked at the princess, her eyes blazed with even more anger fire. Beautiful. Pam looked gleeful.

"Oh and why does that not surprise me. Well what do you have to say for yourself?" asked Adele to her granddaughter, "Pixies got you tongue?"

"I could just use the bathroom, if she was drained when I came back it would all good right?" she answered looking at me, with a cheeky smile. I couldn't help but laugh at her sheer audacity.

"Don't encourage her," Adele scolded, although the Princess could not see there was humour in Adeles eyes, like her own granddaughter hadn't just said she'd turn a blind eye to her murder- even this old woman had spirit. "You will become a young lady, if it kills me and you will learn respect, if it's the last thing I do young lady. Now, a bar is not a place for a young girl, so if you have concluded your business with Mr..."

"Northman," I offered.

"Mr Northman, then there is no reason why a young southern woman should find herself unescorted in a bar at this hour," said the woman neatly folding her hands in front of herself.

"Yes Adele," the girl conceded. The old woman cleared her throat, made her eyes intense for a moment at the Princess.

The princess sighed, rolling her eyes, "Yes Grandmother, Mr Northman it was a pleasure, please accept my gift," she said with perfect manners, finishing it with a kick to Micky. The gift. Adele cleared her throat again.

"What? One's foot slipped," said the girl. All I could do was bite my tongue till it bled to stop myself from laughing. Just too adorable.

"Well come along dear, don't forget to thank Mr Northman for his hospitality," said Adele like she wasn't the only human in a bar full of Vampires.

"Thank you Sheriff for the drink, Good night," she smiled politely and nodded towards both myself and Pam.

"Good night your Majesty," I returned her nod, I watched as they excited the building. As soon as they were out of sight I began laughing.

Present Day...

Pam dragged me out of the club just as the police entered, we took off into the sky. I put Pam down in the clearing we landed in. I was already dialling on my phone.

"Niall, I have reconsidered your offer," I spoke into the device.

"I thought you said marriage was not for you," the Fairy answered, I could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Well, there would be no harm in meeting her, now would there," I smiled, I was pretty confident I already had. Twice.

"I am sure I could arrange a meeting, but if only wish to meet her we must keep quiet about my offer," Niall answered.


"Yes, my great Granddaughter is...em...quiet feisty shall we say, no point in angering her unnecessarily," He answered. I know, I thought but instead of saying so I played the game.

"Well, that does not sound very attractive, Niall. You aren't trying to palm me off with a total dog with a temper, now are you?" I smirked, catching Pam's eyes winking at her.

"I assure you she is extremely fair of face and pure, you would be well matched," Niall provided sounding insulted. Oh I would say very fair of face, urgh curve's to die for (ha ha).

"Well, I could take a look, I am not promising anything, now. And you are sure I won't want to drain her, can she mask her scent like you?" I asked.

"My Great granddaughter is only one eighth Fae, it will no doubt enhance her blood but she would be quite safe, especially with one as old as you, " he assured me. Oh I don't know about that, I would think she would be fucked. Literally and royally fucked, I am getting hard just thinking about her.

"Oh, so she is just a glorified human, then," I played with him further, his patience was impressive, he must really want this alliance.

"No, I can tell you she may only be one eighth genetically, but do not doubt for one second that she is 100% Fae. Her essential spark burns brightly, she is deserving of her title Princess of the Fae realm, she is fit for a King. As the favourite of all my grand children, I would expect her to be treated like a Queen. Northman as you know, the Fae and Vampires are natural enemies. I would not consider this course of action, if I didn't believe it would be of benefit to both of us. The marriage would simply be used the seal to our alliance, to assure honesty on both sides. Do you wish me to set up a meeting or not? I am a busy man. My Granddaughter has many offers for her hand."

"Yes, sometime next week, dinner would be acceptable," I closed my phone, grinning. Pam rolled her eyes. Marriage was maybe not be such an odious idea after all; Frankie says relax.

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