miikka-xx: welcome to my crack/parody fic of khr (which is probably not the best choice considering it's my first foray into this fandom, but here ya go!)
title: rapunzel is secretly an assassin
summary: Squalo gets stuck in a tower. Xanxus has to rescue him. A Rapunzel parody. xanxus/squalo. complete.
disclaimer: if i did, yamagoku would be everywhere. seriously. but the xanxus/squalo would be subtle and sexy. like it is right now.
warning(s): cussing everywhere. the f-bomb is dropped about 5834852 times.
rapunzel is secretly an assassin
(and her prince charming totally knows it.)
"Let down your hair."
A minute passed in silence. Xanxus sighed and lit up a cigarette.
"Let down your fucking hair, Squalo."
Xanxus's eyebrow twitched. He inhaled, then proceeded to kick the giant stone tower once.
"How the fucking else am I supposed to get you down?"
Squalo glared down from the window at the top of the tower, unable to stick his head out, "beats me, asshole! It's your fault I got stuck up here!"
Xanxus flicked his cigarette to the ground and scowled.
"That's why I'm here, you ungrateful brat. Now let down your goddamn hair."
"Because it's totally going to reach that far, you moron!"
"Maybe if you weren't a raging idiot, we wouldn't have to go through with this."
"Oh, blame it on me, will you? When it's you who sent me on this stupid mission and got me stuck in a fucking tower."
Xanxus felt his temper flare and tried to restrain himself one last time.
"Squalo, I swear to god, if you don't let down your fucking hair, I'm going to light this tower on fire with you in it."
"I'd like to see you try, asswipe!"
That did it. Xanxus took out his gun from his belt and aimed at the stone building. He felt his flame build up and shot a huge fireball at the thing. It exploded in a cloud of smoke.
The tower was untouched.
"Oh my fucking god, don't you think I tried that already?"
Squalo's voice was tired and slightly sarcastic as he looked around his tiny room. There was a pink bed, with pink sheets. A small fireplace and some pink tongs. There was a rocking chair in the corner, on a rose-embroidered rug, with a pink cushion on it. This was a girl's room. Squalo suddenly hated his life.
"Get me out, Xanxus."
"Don't order me around, dipshit."
Xanxus circled the small perimeter of the tower and then stared up at the sole window where Squalo peered out from. His subordinate had a permanent scowled fixed on his face.
"Where'd the goddamn witch go anyways?" Squalo asked, looking around the green forest. Xanus shrugged.
"She told me to say, let down your hair, and left."
"Say it. Again."
Xanxus pointedly shot a fireball at his subordinate's face. It exploded in a cloud of smoke. Squalo was unscathed.
"Real classy, Boss."
"Shut the fuck up."
Suddenly, something popped beside Squalo's face. A small, cheery, rotund old woman, with wings that looked too small for her chubby frame and a wand that was topped with sparkly star on top.
"FUCK XANXUS SHE'S HERE!" Squalo yelled, jerking away and pulling out his sword.
Xanxus aimed fireball after fireball at the little old lady. They all seemed to explode in smoke and have no effect at all.
"Get my subordinate out of this tower," growled Xanxus. The old lady smiled brightly and shook her head. This earned her another fireball to her face.
"Ugh, if only I could move out of this place," complained Squalo as he tried to slice her, but she was floating too far away and he couldn't move anything past the open window.
"Tut tut, I need him until my princess comes back," replied the lady cheerily.
"Princess? Do I look like a princess to you?" Squalo's eyes narrowed.
"You certainly have the hair for it."
Xanxus snorted. Squalo flipped him the bird.
"But, if you're one true love arrives to take you away, you could leave."
"One true love, dearie. Surely you know who that is," said the old lady, glancing down at Xanxus, "seeing as only one true loves can access this place."
"Are you kidding me? Are you fucking joking?" Squalo deadpanned, staring at his boss warily.
Xanxus shrugged, "that's why Lussuria couldn't find you."
"That is so not the point here." Squalo looked around the room again. Everything was pink. Fine, fine, everything was pink, but he could stay here for however long it took if only to deny his boss the satisfaction of knowing he liked him. "How long till the other princess comes back?"
"Squalo, no - "
"Shut up, how long?"
The little old lady gave a flick of her wand. Sparkled rained down and made a number.
"Half a year? What is she doing?" asked Squalo, incredulous.
"This and that," replied the witch vaguely.
"Get me out, Xanxus, fuck this, I can't stay here," said the man desperately, staring down at his boss.
"You know the words," smiled the lady brightly. Xanxus refrained from shooting her in the face again. Waste of his energy.
"Let down your hair."
"Oh, with a little love, or else he'll never get out."
"XANXUS, WITH LOVE, LIKE THE LADY SAID."
"Oh, for fuck's sake," growled Xanxus, before schooling his tone and adding a husky undertone, "Squalo."
"Please," and Xanxus, and while his voice was low and imploring, his face was distinctly apathetic, "let down your hair."
If Squalo's face wasn't a blazing red before, it sure was now. He gathered his hair and flipped it over his shoulder, letting it hang in front of his chest, and slowly poked his head out the window. This time, there was no invisible wall to headbutt with, and Squalo breathed in the fresh outside air, letting his hair hang down the stone wall.
"Now what?" asked Squalo slowly, watching Xanxus inspect his gun.
"Oh, well now you jump."
"Your one true love catches you," said the lady impatiently.
"I swear to god Xanxus, you don't catch me and I haunt your ass forever."
"Whatever," replied his boss flatly, putting his gun back in his belt and extending his arms. Squalo took a breath and leaped from the window, feeling his stomach flip in freefall when, all of a sudden, he hit something warm and soft.
"Shit, how much do you weigh?" grunted Xanxus, holding his subordinate in his arms. Squalo felt his face flame up again.
"Shut up, asshole," he snapped.
"Should you be saying that to your 'one true love'?"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"I'm never letting you live this down."
"Oh my fucking god, shut u -"
Xanxus kissed him hard then, teeth biting at his lower lip and pushing his tongue in. Squalo melted, mewling and opening his mouth submissively before regaining his mental faculties and responding just as viciously. He nipped at his boss's tongue, feeling Xanxus's resulting growl instead of hearing it, as the other tightened his grip around Squalo. The kiss was as vicious as they were, tongue and teeth and lips smashing sloppily, almost clumsily, until breathing was an issue. They parted, panting, eyes glinting.
"How did you get in the tower, anyways?"
Squalo cleared his throat, looking away.
"There was a trail. Of bread crumbs."
Xanxus's laugh was low and husky, "god, you're such a moron."
"Suck it, asshole."
"Maybe later, dickwad."
And they lived happily ever after. Sort of.
an: haha, there you have a cuss-filled xanxus/squalo. i love these two. they have such a stupid dynamic, it's great.
drop a line, i'd love to hear what you think!