Disclaimer: Can you imagine if I did? The horror...
AN: Yes, it is another 'Sasuke comes back to Konoha in a stupid way' fics. I kind of consider it a right of passage. Naturally, it turned out to be short, stupid, and basically crack in one of its lesser forms. Still, I hope you enjoy!
"Ugh," Naruto says, as soon as he sees Sasuke leap out of the trees ahead of him. Naruto is just getting back from a mission, and, by the look of it, Sasuke is too. They're both exhausted, and more than a little ready to sink into a hot bath and contemplate the numerous troubles of a world besieged by too little bath bubbles.
Nevertheless, they have seen each other, and the normal bout of posturing/threatening/fighting ending in the Epically Epic Fight must take place to keep the world in its natural and balanced state.
"So," Naruto says, landing in and nice, convenient little clearing and loosening up his arms. "Have you decided to come back to the village yet?"
"No," Sasuke grunts, pressing his forehead to his knees, "Have you decided to give up the remaining elders to my justice?"
"Nope," Naruto says, and cracks his knuckles.
Sasuke sighs. Life would be so much easier if Naruto were more of a pushover. He really should have capitalized on Naruto's whole 'we're brothers' thing earlier so he could manipulate him now.
Naruto does not mention the bags under Sasuke's eyes, and Sasuke does not mention the dark smudges under Naruto's.
Perhaps, Naruto muses. If their fights didn't have to be so freaking Epically Epic this wouldn't be such an ordeal.
About this time is when the light bulb turns on.
"How about a spar instead of a knock-down drag-out?" Naruto suggests sunnily. "That way, we'll still fight, but we won't have to go to the hospital afterwards. You know, go about this in a gentlemanly way and all."
Sasuke considers this suggestion seriously for all of two seconds, debating the honor and merits, pros and cons, and then his stomach rumbles loudly and seals the deal. "Fine."
They begin, laying out rules of 'no jutsu' and 'no eyes' and 'no speeches' and 'no weapons' quickly enough, adding something every time the other realizes a secret advantage. By the end, they've also been forced to remove every article of clothing but their pants as they could be used to either cheat or hinder either, and have been reduced to basic hand-to-hand with honorable intentions all the way.
It's really not the ninja way of handling things, so they decide they're playing by gentlemen rules (it basically assures Sasuke's victory) and they're both much too tired to care beyond that.
"Who starts?" Naruto asks confusedly. "If we're both honorable and all."
Sasuke solves the problem easily enough, and they start on the count of three.
It ends on the count of five, when a particularly tricky mole finishes his tunnel, Sasuke steps at just the wrong time, and his ankle turns. Naruto pins him in the next second, honorably, and then the fight is over.
Naruto comes to the realization that he's won.
Sasuke groans at the unholy glee on his face.
"Say uncle!" Naruto cheers, pushing a forearm against Sasuke's throat. Sasuke would very much like to say that Naruto cheated, or that there was a rule about this, but, reviewing said rules, cannot find a loophole that will take him out of defeat. And, well, he had promised to handle this fight the gentlemanly way.
Sasuke realizes why people don't fight this way anymore. Exhaustion or no, how is he expected to win when he's bound by all this rules and honors business?
"Uncle," Sasuke sighs, and then: "You suck."
"I suck because I won," Naruto reminds him, helping him up. "And now you have to come back to Konoha with me forever."
Sasuke realizes, with horror, that at some point he did in fact agree to those exact terms, and can only comfort himself with the thought that it will be much easier to kill the Elders from the inside.
And the next time they fight, Sasuke decides, exhaustion or no, they will just have the Epically Epic Battle.
Because, really, no amount of bath bubbles is really worth this.
AN: Reviews are encouraging, welcome, and greatly desired- I believe it also means I am a glutton for immediate gratification. So, feed me, and leave reviews!
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