His biceps bulging as he carried my rather petite frame, Edward busted open the hotel room door and ran my head smack dab into the doorframe, making me yell out not in ecstasy as I hoped but instead out of agony while also slightly ripping my white wedding dress. "Oh, shit, sorry, Bella," Edward quickly apologized to me as I held my head, slightly dazed. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah, of course," I said while checking my hand for blood that may have dripped from my head. As there was no blood coming from my still-throbbing head wound, I immediately got my mind back on track.

"Get your clothes off," I said to him very bluntly. We hadn't had sex before – I didn't want to ruin the suspense of this very night, our wedding night, and I wanted everything to be perfect. The head wound put a slight tarnish on that, of course, but I was still hopeful for incredible wedding night sex with my Edward.

It didn't take him but five seconds to take off his entire tuxedo. It was as if part of his wedding planning was to practice getting it off as quickly as he could. Which is great, of course, since that means that he too has been looking forward to this very moment just as much as I have been.

I of course was left as the only clothed person in the room. My wedding dress, seemingly miles upon miles of white frills, layers, folds, and waves, was a bitch to get off. I, unlike Edward, hadn't made getting it off as much of a priority as I maybe should have. "Help me," I said to him, turned away towards the wall, as I unsuccessfully tried wiggling out of the dress.

His nimble fingers, fresh from breaking the world record for getting undressed, quickly ran down my corset-backed wedding gown. Just as he was practically able to snap his fingers and my bra came off for pre-marital-but-not-all-the-way escapades, he too was able to get my wedding dress off just as easily.

I turned around and looked at his naked body. "What's that?" I said.

"What?" he replied.

"That," I pointed down at his sparkling privates.

"My vagina?" he asked. I looked at him with a blank stare.

"Wait," he continued while looking down at my waist. "You have a vagina, too?"

"Yeah," I replied.

Apparently male vampires have sparkling vaginas. So the next day I got an annulment and fucked Billy Black instead.