Title: Banter

Summary: "We're teenagers, Naruto. Teenage boys, at that. Sex is on our mind at least half the time." Two-shot SasuNaru PWP.

Words: 3613

Warnings: This is a two-shot SasuNaru PWP (porn without plot / plot? what plot?) involving teenage exploration.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto and all that.

In case chapter 88 of Two Face wasn't enough, here's a slightly more light-hearted story. Well, part of it, I guess. This time it was a challenge to myself, because everyday PWPs don't cut it for me anymore. I'm exploring! The challenge: to write a one-shot entirely in dialogue. The result: a two-shot with a LOT of pacing-related punctuation. And weird sound effects.

EDIT: user Annormal has kindly translated Banter into Polish! Here's the short URL: [ tj DOT k DOT vu SLASH 1Ja ]



"Idiot, get the fuck out from under my bed."

"What, you afraid I'll find your porn mags?"

"You've already seen my porn mags."

"Yeah, but how do I know you don't have more?"


"Ha! You do, don't you? Why won't you let me see them? Are they gaaaaay?"

"Don't be a moron, moron."

"They must be! Uchiha Sasuke wouldn't talk so un-eloquently."

"Uzumaki Naruto, on the other hand, clearly would. Do you really think that, if I had gay mags, I would put them in the same place as my straight porn, knowing you'd go in there?"

"I don't think you'd come up with such elaborate reasoning if you didn't have gay porn. Come on, bastard, where is it?"

"Hn. Whatever, go on snooping. You won't find anything."

"Don't mind if I do. Hey, you have weights? I wouldn't be able to tell you your scrawny ass exercised if my life depended on it."

"Sorry if I'm not the star fucking quarterback of the world. Don't bring those up on the bed, idiot."

"Fine. Look, I'll even put them back where I found them, for the good of your OCD. Hey, Sasuke, let me see your abs."

"What? What kind of dumb request is that?"

"I wanna compare! Or are you afraid mine are better?"

"Like I said, it's not like I make an effort to be extra brawny."

"Stop being a spoilsport and take off your shirt. Or I'll take it off for you."

"Wha – get off of me, you moron! Fine, I'll take off my fucking shirt. There. Happy?"

"Hmm… not bad, considering your skinny ass. Flex for me."


"Do it! Flex."

"Okay, now wh—hey!"

"Chill, fag. I just wanted to feel how tank you are. Which you're not, by the way, at all."


"Wow, your skin is really soft. Do you use some sort of moisturizer or something?"

"The hell I do, idiot. Can you stop petting my stomach now?"

"Wh—oh. Sorry. Uh…"

"So, Naruto. Are your abs all that impressive? Or are you just bluffing?"

"As if I'd bluff, bastard. You'd see through it right away. My abs are killer."

"Yeah? Let's see."

"Wait, let me take off my shirt first—"

"Why bother? It's not like I want to grope your chest or anything. Here, flex."


"Admittedly impressive. Not that I'd ever want to challenge you in a physical fight."

"You don't need to, you kick my ass every time you open your big fat mouth."

"…Naruto, you're hairy."

"What! No I'm not! Just 'cause I've got a little extra fuzz around my belly button doesn't mean I'm hairy. It's more than you'll ever achieve, missy."

"My hair's more coarse than yours and I still don't have as much as you. Exactly how far up does this fucking happy trail even go?"

"Hey, watch the fingers! I thought you said you weren't going that far in!"

"…You have no idea how dirty that sounded."


"Fine. You wanted to take off your shirt, so take it off. Do it. Strip."

"Not until you wipe that smirk off your face. Sasuke! Quit it!"

"I'm trying, I really am, it's just—"

"Would you stop being such a homo? I'm not going to give you a fucking strip tease!"

"Will you feel better if I turn around?"

"You – ugh, do what you want."

"Right. Tell me when I can look."

"I swear, only a queer would make such a big deal out of taking off his shirt in front of another guy."

"You're the one making a big deal out of it."

"Shut up and turn back around."

"Oh, so you aren't a furry blonde gorilla after all. The way you talk, I thought you might—"

"Fuck off, Sasuke."

"Yes, princess."

"Actually, it's nicer with no shirt on. Fucking summer's too damn hot."

"It's because I'm in the room."

"In your dreams, bastard. You haven't even ever had a date before."

"Neither have you. I'm not interested in dating some stupid giggling girl. You, on the other hand, couldn't get one if you tried."

"I hate you, y'know that? I swear every girl in the whole school is after you and you go tramping around like you're gay or something. If you're not going to date them, at least tell them that so they can go for second best."

"It'd take a lot of guys going gay to make girls turn to you, dead last."

"Remind me again why I'm your friend? Right, 'cause you don't have any others. Sasuke, do you ever wonder what kissing is like?"

"I imagine it's wet and sloppy and a general mess."

"That's slobbering, not kissing. I mean, the whole first kiss thing is such a big deal, but what's so great about giving away your first kiss if you're no good at kissing?"

"There's something special about a first, I guess. It's like losing your virginity. Which I imagine is also wet and sloppy."

"Ew, Sasuke. Of course it's not."

"You prefer jerking off wet, right, Naruto? It's better wet because that's what girls are. Just… tighter, I guess."

"Uh, have you been watching porn or something?"

"No, idiot. The dumbasses at school were talking about it, last week in the corner of the room during sex ed."

"I don't think I had any guys like that in my class."

"Count yourself lucky. They were bragging about all the girls they'd banged. I wanted to throw up."

"What, the idea of doing a girl makes you feel sick? Are you sure you're not gay? What the hell do you jerk off to?"

"…What if I said 'your face'?"


"What if I told you I'm not lying?"

"Uh, S-Sasuke, what are you—"

"What if I told you I dream of your body every night?"

"The hell, Sasuke!"


"…I'd… figure you were joking. A really twisted, gross joke."


"Oh thank god."

"You're ridiculous, you know that, Naruto?"

"What, because I can't tell the difference between all your various shades of deadpan? This is why I refuse to play poker with you!"

"I thought that was because you didn't know how to play."

"That too."

"Hn. Moron."

"That… was a joke, though, right? What you said about – about jerking off. You don't actually…?"

"Why do you care?"

"Why do I – Sasuke, you think I wouldn't care if someone was getting off thinking of me? I mean, I'd be flattered, but – but that's disgusting!"

"Hmm, I guess it would be."

"And anyway, even if it is true and you're some closet fag, no one wants to know their best friend is touching themselves thinking about them, that's just—"

"Naruto, can you stop?"

"What? I just—"

"I'm tired of hearing you throw around words like fag, queer, homo, all of that. Do you realize that every time you joke that I'm gay, you're hurting someone?"

"…Sasuke, I – I didn't mean – well, if it offended you, you coulda told me sooner."


"What? I can't hear you when you mumble, speak up."

"I said it's fine!"

"Is it – I mean, do you know someone who's gay? Is that why?"

"Something like that."

"What do you mean, 'something like that'? You either know a gay or you don't."

"It's not always that easy, Naruto."

"Why? What, if they're closeted or something?"


"Must be hard, being closeted. I can't imagine having to work up the courage to tell someone I was into guys."

"It is. And every time you decide to tell someone, you have to come out all over again. It never stops."

"…You talk like you've had experience with it."


"Sasuke? Sasuke, look at me. Look at me!"

"Idiot, let go of my chin."

"Look at me, you asshole. Are you…?"

"A faggot?"

"Sasuke, don't—"

"If that's how you define a guy who's in love with another guy, then yes."

"Sasu—shit. You're serious?"

"No, moron, I'm evidently stringing your ass along for the most elaborate joke ever. What the fuck do you think?"

"…Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's personal."

"I'm your best friend!"


"Aren't I entitled to know this kind of – wait, what? Sasuke, don't bite your lips, they're chapped as it is. What the hell are you going on about?"

"Fine. You want to know? I'll tell you. It wasn't a joke; I've been jerking off to dreams of you for the past year. I haven't told you I'm gay because that implies telling you who I'm gay for, and what with you flinging terms like 'faggot' and 'homo' left and right, how do you think I expect you to take it when you hear your best friend's wanted you since you met him?"

"I – Sasuke…"

"…You… should probably go."


"Just get out, alright?"



"Y-you know, when I asked you what you thought kissing was like?"


"Um… can we – I mean, maybe we – that is, d'you think we could—mmph!"


"Nnh – Sasu—mmh—"

"Haah – goddammit, Naruto… you talk too much."

"Says the one who… interrupts the kiss… to complain."

"I need to breathe, idiot."

"Shut up and kiss me again."

"…Naruto… Can I… put my tongue in your mouth?"

"W-what? Uh – I guess so. I mean, it's good practice and stuff, right?"

"Would you shut up about the practice? Did you or did you not hear what I said half a minute ago?"

"I – I just – I'm trying to figure it out, okay? The best I can do right now is pretend it's practice. At least let me, alright? 'Cause other than this your chances of getting in my mouth are probably pretty slim."

"…Fine. Now come here. Mmh… Fuck, Naruto, how many oranges do you eat in a day?"

"Hey, I've only had three today."

"It's not even lunchtime yet."

"Whatever. You eat tomatoes like I eat oranges anyway. Mm—wait, Sasuke, where are you putting your hands?"

"Call it getting a feel for the whole experience."

"But – mmn – alright, whatever. Uh, can I…?"

"Be my guest."

"Mm… You're so fucking skinny, Sasuke, I can feel your entire spine. You should eat more, instead of chewing all those mint leaves all the time. I can taste them, too."

"Fat doesn't collect on your spine, retard."

"You should still eat more. Shit, why is your skin so soft?"

"Hn. You like it?"

"Yeah, it's like a fucking girl. Are you sure you don't use some sort of moisturizer?"

"It's natural, thanks. Can you move your leg? I'm sitting on your knee and it kind of hurts."

"Sorry. Is that better—haah—! Shit, Sasuke, what the hell was that for?"


"You rubbed your fucking knee in my crotch, you ass, don't tell me you didn't feel that—"

"What, you liked it? When I do this?"

"Sasuke, cut it out – nnh—! W-wait… wait wait wait Sasuke! Stop breathing in my ear, I – stop, that tickles—"

"You're ridiculous. Totally ridiculous."

"Well sorry if this is the closest anyone's gotten to me!"

"Heh. You're pathetic."

"You jerk—"

"More for me. I'm not complaining."

"More? More whaaaaaaaahhh…"

"Naruto, your pulse is going crazy. Are you sure you're alright?"

"No, Sasuke, I'm not fucking alright! My best friend is molesting me and I – nnh—"

"And you what?"

"And I… wait, why'd you stop?"

"Because I'm waiting for you to finish your sentence. Since obviously when I touch you, it distracts you too much. What is it you were going to say?"

"S-Sasuke, you ass!"

"What, you want more?"

"No, asshole!"

"Oh. Alright then."

"Wha—wait a second! Fuck, you're a sneaky bastard."

"Ha. Changed your mind?"

"You just want an excuse to touch someone's cock."

"No, Naruto. I just want an excuse to touch your cock."

"…It's disturbing how true that is."


"Uh, the thing you said about your sex ed class…"


"Well, no one was talking about who they'd banged, but some guys – well, you know how they give us bananas to put condoms on? And a few of the guys were making jokes comparing sizes. Is – is that something straight guys do?"

"If you're suggesting something, I'm not straight, remember?"

"Y-yeah, and since it's me it'd probably be double the turn-on for you, but I mean… You kinda gotta be hard to compare, don't you?"

"…I guess so."

"This isn't gonna be like comparing abs, is it?"

"No, I can't imagine it is."


"Well, ladies first. Off with the pants."

"Excuse me? I have a dick, you know. And since you're gay doesn't that make you more of a girl than me?"

"I don't think you realize the contradiction you just uttered. The definition of 'gay' is liking the same gender; therefore, since I like guys, I must also be a guy."

"Unless, since you called me a lady and all, you're also a lady."

"…I think that may have been the smartest thing you've ever said."

"You bas—"

"Well, you suggested it, and you're supposed to turn me on or whatever anyway, so strip."

"…You're the biggest asshole I ever met."

" 'Or I'll take it off for you.' Isn't that what you said to me about the shirt?"

"Okay, okay! Eager to get into my pants much?"

"You have no idea."

"Stop being so goddamn disturbing!"

"Since you're my best friend, you're 'entitled to know this kind of thing.' I'm just doing you the favour you wanted."


"Heh, dumbass. You're already half-hard."

"Shut up…"

"Why is that? Do I turn you on too, perhaps?"

"Shut up, you jerk, no you don't!"

"Bet I do if I do this, though."

"Don't – haah—!"

"Thought so."

"Don't touch me, asshole! I'm not gay like you—"

"Then why are you getting harder?"

"L-Like I said, this is the closest anyone's ever – mmh – Sasuke…"

"I've never seen anyone get so hard so fast."

"How many people are you implying you've seen, jerk?"

"…Sorry. None. I didn't mean it like that, just – this is all new to me too… Does it feel good?"

"Fuck… hell yeah – what? Don't stop now, you ass!"

"Lie down."


"Just get on the bed. It'll be easier that way."

"…'Kay. And then?"

"And then I sit here on your legs. So you won't… escape."

"I'm not going anywhere, bastard."

"You've become surprisingly obedient, Naruto…"

"Shut the fuck up and touch me."

"Oh, but I thought you didn't want me to touch you?"

"I changed my mind! If we're gonna compare, you're gonna have to make me hard, since I'm making you hard."

"Mm… you are. You prefer it wet, right? I don't have lube, but if I lick my fingers…"

"You look like a fucking slut with that face on…"

"Thanks, Naruto. I really want to touch you now."

"Sorry – but seriously, who enjoys licking their fingers that much?"

"I think you need to shut your mouth."

"Haah – shit… Why do I let you do this?"

"Don't cover your eyes like that, I want to see your face while I jerk you off."


"Heh. You're such a blockhead. And to answer your question, you let me do this because I'm your best friend."

"But it's so – awkward. I mean, knowing that you're into me, and… Sasuke?"


"Why exactly are you into me? I mean, I know I'm a stud—"

"Dream on, idiot."

"Ha. Like you can bluff at that. You wouldn't jerk off to my face unless you thought it was hot."



"So, what?"

"Why're you – nnh, shit, Sasuke, do that again… yeah… So why're you into me?"

"Because you're a stud."

"No, really."

"Well, stud isn't exactly the word I'd use, but I do have to admit I've been craving your body for the better part of a year."

"…That'd be almost flattering, if it weren't disturbing."

"For all the times you've used 'gay' as an insult, you seem pretty okay with this."

"W-well – because it's you, I… can't really say no, can I? I mean, you're my best friend."

"Just because I'm your friend? You'd let me take advantage of you and use your body? I'm honoured."

"I never said that, I just – haah – look, we're just gonna compare cock sizes and that's it, okay? Nothing more."

"This is probably as hard as you're gonna get, Naruto."

"I… yeah. You… need a hand, with… with yours?"

"I've got two, thanks very much."

"Oh. Yeah."

"I wouldn't mind a little help, though…"

"…Cocky bitch. Alright, take 'em off…"

"What's up?"

"Huh? Oh – It's just… This is kinda…"

"You've never seen someone else's cock before?"

"I've seen them, in the locker room and stuff, but… never hard."

"I'm not… quite hard yet. Um…"

"So – so I just… do what you did, for me?"

"Yeah. I mean, I dunno if you – jerk off differently or what, but… that's how I do it."

"When you jerk off to my face."


"The colour of your face would be a lot more amusing if this weren't so awkward."

"Shut up – nngh—!"

"This is… so different from touching yourself."

"Unhh… it really is. Your hands are warmer than mine."

"Does it feel good? Am I doing it right?"

"Feels – amazing… Naru…to…"

"Heh… bet you've been dreaming about this, haven't you, Sasuke?"


"Ouch, don't dig your nails into my back."

"Sorry. Mm…"

"Ow, no, don't bite that hard – just… mm. Yeah, like that…"

"Mmn… Your skin is salty, Naruto."

"It's sweat, jerk."

"Did I turn you on that much?"

"You didn't turn me on, jackass! Anyone would get hard if you touched them like that!"

"But I'm a guy. Aren't you straight?"

"I've… known you for years, Sasuke. We took baths together as a kid."

"Yeah, and we stopped when puberty hit. We're – ahh – we're teenagers, Naruto. Teenage boys, at that. Sex is on our minds at least half the time. You really think two pubescent boys can share the same tub?"

"I miss being a kid."

"We can go in the tub if you want."

"Here's okay."


"Are you hard yet? Wh—hey! You just wanted me to jerk you off for longer, didn't you, asshole?"

"Hn… Yeah, I'm good and hard."

"I swear, sometimes you're so…"

"So what?"

"So… Ugh. Fuck."

"Heh. What's wrong, Naruto?"

"You're bigger than me is what's wrong, you bastard!"

"You make it sound like it's my fault."

"Well you could stop fucking smirking. It's only, like, half an inch."

"It still counts. Especially since you're not exactly small yourself."

"No, I'm not. Ugh… I hate you."

"Can I make it up to you?"

"Why would you do that? And how?"

"If I just… lower my hips, and do this… hnn…"

"Wh—shit – Sasuke – oh fuck…"

"Your – cock is a lot… mm… warmer than your hands."

"No shit, Sherlock. Haah… You're so fucking hard…"

"That's your fault."

"You say it like it's – nnh – a bad thing."

"I don't mean it that way, I – shit – do that again—"


"Your hand, on my back, right – there… unnh, N-Naruto—"

"Wh—Are you a cat or something? Cats – mm – are really sensitive at the base of their tails. Fuck, you look so… girly, arching your back like that."

"You say that even as my fucking cock is rubbing against yours."

"You're practically – haah – waving your ass in the air, bitch."

"Hey now, let's not start calling each other names. Fuck – harder—"

"Shit – Sasuke, I can't move when you're pushing that hard – aah – S-Sasuke—!"

"S-Sorry, Naruto, I'm at my limit – I'm… coming – I'm – mmh…!"

"Wha—aw fuck, Sasuke, really? But I'm not done yet!"

"Haah… Sorry… Let me help you."

"N…No, it's fine, I can go to the bathroom—"

"You think I'd fucking let you go now?"

"You should probably use a towel to wipe that off instead of your fingers, y'know. W-wait, what are you doing with thaaaaahhh—!"

"I know you like it wet. Come's a little thick, but it works, right?"

"Fuck – yeah, it works – nnh—"

"So, Naruto… what do you jerk off to?"

"I jerk off to – haah – girls, idiot. To… ugh, it's really hard to think of girls when you're staring at me like that!"

"Why's that?"

"B-because – 'cause you're so damn girly, but I know you're a guy so I can't – and – your eyes—"

"My… eyes?"

"So… fucking… gorgeous—aah!"

"…You came a lot."

"I… haah… usually do. Not this much, but… fuck… Hot…"


"W-what? Why're you looking at me like that?"

"Did you… do you really think that? About my eyes."

"About – w-well, I – I mean, I'd always… noticed… I don't know. Something about the way you… look at me, like…"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, alright? It just – it almost freaks me out, how… p…pretty your eyes are. Really, they're beautiful, Sasuke."

"…Thank you…"

"Uh… Sasuke…?"


"Can we, um… not talk about this? To anyone else?"

"Hn, you idiot. You think I'd breathe a word of this to another living soul?"

"No, I guess not. But…"

"You're ashamed."


"It's alright. I understand."

"No, Sasuke, listen to me! Look at me! I'm not ashamed. I… You're my best friend. You mean a lot to me, you really do, and this is – like – I don't know. I don't know what to call it."

"I do."

"What? What, Sasuke? Tell me!"

"…Never mind."


"Love! It's fucking love, alright? I… love you."

"I – I… Sasuke…"

"I'm not clouded by hormones, if that's what you're thinking. I started feeling this long before I started jerking off to thoughts of you."

"…I should go."


What did I learn by writing a dialogue-only story? Well.

1. Actions are limited. Everything someone does has to be called out by themselves or the other character.

2. Pacing is incredibly difficult. Pauses between people talking and stuff like that. Ellipses and dashes become overused.

3. There is a possibility that sometimes the reader loses track of who's talking at any point in time.

4. Kissing can't really go on for very long.

5. They will talk through everything.

I haven't written the second chapter yet, but I have ideas for it and now that I've posted this I've kind of cornered myself into writing it. So if you don't hear back from me in, what, a month? Nag me. A lot.