They find him exactly three days after he's awaken. At first, they chain him with flaming handcuffs and kept him inside his cell, only letting him out to ask him questions. They aren't very happy with his answers since he absolutely refuses to cooperate. That earns him kicks in the guts and blows to his face but he does not fight them – something holds him back, whether it's the angel blood in his veins or his new found conscience he doesn't know.
All he knows is that he lacks the same taste for destruction and death as he once has and it isn't stopping anytime soon.
He's noticed the changes in him as soon as he's woken up from his meeting with Death.
Firstly, he isn't as strong and fast as he once was. No longer as invincible as he once thought he is even though he was still fairly stronger and faster than the average Nephilim. Second, he could feel. It's a constant mix of emotions that he used to be numb to from fear to anger to resentment to hate to worry to anguish to guilt to loneliness and then blessedly, neutral emotions like numbness and compliancy.
He is worrying and in fear of dying every moment he is imprisoned in Idris, feeling that vulnerability of being human every second he is there. And he is angry and resentful of the Nephilim who treated him subhuman, like he isn't a person even. He is anguished over his father's death - He loves the man he realized, he loves his father and now he was gone. And he has no one now, he feels lonely, he is all alone.
On his seventh day of imprisonment and his tenth day of his second life, they take him into the same interrogation room they've been bringing him to and they make him seat with his hands blistering and chaffing with the flaming cuffs. He sighs to himself once they leave the room and he twitches as he needs to scratch his elbow.
Damn them all.
The door creaks open and a petite redhead enters. He knows her immediately – Clary. He hasn't thought about his sister ever since he last saw her and that feels like a lifetime ago, maybe it is. It's a different lifetime for him.
"They wanted me to talk to you," She explains as the door locks and she continues to stand by the door, in order to make a quick escape if she needs it. "They think you might be more compliant to talk to me."
He blinks and gestures to the seat across from the table from his. She looks uncertain before she steps forward and takes the seat. "Don't worry, I can't hurt you." He lifts up his hands to show the cuffs. "I can't even if I wanted to."
"Don't you want to?" She's curious and a little bit confused.
"I used to," He concedes. "But not anymore,"
Her brow furrows. "Why not?"
He shrugs. "Recent developments?"
He doesn't really want to talk about this and he figures aloofness might get her off his back. He wants to go back to his cell now, please where it was quiet and he didn't have to answer his sister's questions.
She presses on. "Like what?"
Like the fact that I have a conscience now and I'm so sorry…
"I'm sorry," He blurts out before he can stop himself. "For everything. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. In fact, it was the only right I knew -but that doesn't excuse it- I'm so sorry for what I did to you and what I tried to do to you and…and…" He shuts his mouth before he could make a fool of himself even more.
Clary is balking at him, eyes wide, and mouth wide open. He almost wants to laugh at her expression but the guilt is still fresh and he keeps his face neutral but questioning as he waits for her to react. "You're…sorry?" She finally utters out.
"Yes," He nods. "I'm sorry." He repeats.
Maybe if he says it enough times she'll forgive him. Maybe. He can only hope. All this shame and guilt overcomes him, he keeps remembering all those terrible, horrific things he's done and he can't get pass it. He needs to say sorry to so many people but right now, he could begin with his sister.
She's speechless. "But…how…you're sorry?"
The disbelief and shock is so clear on his face, he closes up like a flower closes its petals. He doesn't want to see her anymore and see the lack of trust and then the fear and resentment she has for him but he should've expected worse, after all he's done after all.
He swallows his uncertainty and continues. "I've done so many horrible things and I can only ask for your forgiveness for all that I've done. I know I'm not a good person and I just want to say sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
She looks him in the eye for a moment, tight lipped and completely silent before she gets up. "I can't handle this." She turns away and walks out the door, a guard coming in later to escort him to his cell.
He stares at the cracks of the floor and ceiling and counts as his mind goes numb from all the numbers filling his head but he keeps on because he feels that he might just go insane if he doesn't keep his mind working. He wakes up at dawn and is escorted by another guard to the same interrogation room.
Clary has come back and this time she has the angel boy with her. They're whispering to each other and Jace sends him a distrustful look (couldn't blame him) before Clary takes the lone seat opposite him and Jace stands by the door.
"Sebastian-" She changes her mind. "Jonathon, I think you should tell me what happened while you were gone those past few months."
"I don't really know how to explain,"
And it's the truth. How could he even begin to explain?
He glances at the blond boy standing there by the door and he's just filled with the biggest urge to apologize again or punch him in the face he didn't know. All those dark emotions he'd always felt about the angel boy come up again. All that anger he'd over the years with having to share his father with this weak, little boy reimburse.
"We should've been raised as brothers," He remembers the boy telling him.
Maybe he was right or wasn't he? He was his enemy or was he? He didn't know. He was too confused.
He looks back at Clary and he sees that glimmer of hope in her eyes. Like for a moment she actually thought he was human, that he could be saved. Was he? Was he human now?
He opened his mouth and began to explain. "It all started after the day at the river, I woke up in this ballroom…"
After his explanation, Clary is looking very much shocked and Jace sneered at him from the wall, glaring daggers at him.
"I see," Clary says.
Jace moves away from the wall and closer to them. "Oh come on, you can't possibly believe him!" He shouts. "He's lying! That didn't happen! He can't be-"
"Human?" Clary supplied. "But look at him, Jace, what else am I supposed to believe? He's not so…evil, anymore? It's like he's a completely different person."
"It's all an act!" He protests. "He's playing us! Like he did before when he pretended to be Sebastian Verlac."
Jonathon can't really blame Jace's doubt. After all, he's done who would believe him? Would no one believe him? Is he doomed to be in this cell with this guards watching over him for the rest of eternity?
Is he still really a monster?
Clary looks at the ground, chewing her lip and Jace explodes. "You actually believe him? You believe he's changed? That God really gave him a second chance and with a drink of angel's blood he's all fine and dandy now? It's too unbelievable! Think, Clary, you can't let him fool you!"
Clary looks between her brother and Jace in conflict before she stands up and walks out of the room. Jace watches her go before slamming his fists down the table and staring Jonathon in the eye. "She may believe this act you've got going on but I sure as hell haven't forgotten who you are! I'm watching you and I'll be waiting for you to slip up and prove to everyone that you're still that monster that you really are!"
Then he finally leaves the room, leaving Jonathon to ask himself one very important question as he's escorted back to his cell.
Am I a monster? He asks himself. Am I?
He falls asleep wondering with guilt heavy on his heart.
So, after many months of contemplating how to tackle this I've finally reached an understanding. This is probably the hardest story I've ever written but reading some very interesting works like Fallen by Cyropi and Dream Machine by riptey have inspired me. Hope you liked it and please review.