A/N: I attempted to get this out quickly, but school just started and I have a stinkin' two-page essay to write every day for Modern World

Here we get part one of the first 'game!' And we all though Bernkastel said she would 'help'... You also find the first clue here, each character will reveal another eventually, so I wish you luck on that little mystery! WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO? No one knows... I don't own Umineko. I could never write something as awesome as that. Nor do I own the joke. It belongs to my totally-mega-awesome former academic team coach, who made it up. I just shortened it considerably. REVIEW SO I POST THE NEXT CHAPTER! AND GET YOUR FRIENDS TO COME AND REVIEW! YEAH!

Special thanks to "Punishment Prez." the first (cough*andonly* cough) reviewer!

WARNING: References and shout-outs to TV, anime, books, etc., abound! Same drill as the prologue! If you find them, a lot of these are MAJOR CLUES!

Chapter One: Bernkastel's Amusements and Clue 1!


"I- Uh... wait..." At confused Battler looked around and found he was sitting in front of Beatrice's portrait in the main hall of the mansion. He sat in silence for a bit, trying to let everything sink in. He got bored. "To heck with melodrama! Where's my special ops team?"


Our dashing young hero turned just in time to receive a full-force glomp from his cousin Jessica.

"Getoffameh! And... didn't you just get your head cut in half by George's foot? How is that even physically possible?"

"Aww! Aren't you just happy I'm alive?" he teased, still holding onto him more tightly than strictly necessary.

"Well, yeah, but- GEORGE-ANIKI! SAVE MEEEEE!"

"Jessica," he began, pushing up his glasses, "Oh- did I just see Kanon in the hallway?"

Jessica squee-d and ran off in George's indicated direction.

"O-kay..." Battler remembered his mission. "George-aniki, are you aware of the situation?"

His cousin's expression changed instantly from passive to angry. "Why? Why did you have to divide by zero! YOU MORON! Jessica should have asked me for homework help... then no one would be DEAD!"

"But- But-"

"Ua~ Maria has her towel! Ua~"

George and Battler blinked in unison at her entrance. Maria did indeed have a towel. For and unknown but possibly very sinister purpose...

Battler was quite annoyed. "THIS is my Zero-Squad?" (he named it)

George furrowed his brow and tried to keep his voice level. "Who did you expect? L? Dr. House? Albert Einstein? Keiichi Maebara?"

"... who was that last one?"

"Look, I want to live in the real world with Shannon. Jessica wants Kanon. Maria wants... her flower?"


"And I'm pretty sure there are more people coming. Everyone has a stake in this, Battler."

"I WUV YOO ALL!" Battler's attempt at a hugfest was then firmly and rapidly denied.

They were soon joined by and apathetic Kanon and the Seven Stakes of Purgatory. Soon afterwards, Amakusa and Ange arrived. Their entrance involved pineapples, and to explain is to confound.

An authoritative voice broke out over the crowd. Dun dun DUN! It was Bernkastel.

"GREETINGS COMMON MORTALS! I assume you all know your purpose here?"

The sisters saluted, Battler fist-pumped, Jessica cuddled a passive Kanon and everyone else stood there boringly.

"That's right!" Battler shouted. "We have a mission together! We shall find... WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DIVIDE BY ZERO!"

"... Okay."

"OKAY, Mr. White-haired-pretty-boy-bodyguard-man-from-the-future? I expect your full-hearted enthusiasm in this!" He glared at everyone else. "We all have something to gain from this, or we wouldn't be here. We WILL find the answer. WHO'S WITH ME?"


"Shut up, Kool-aid man!" shouted Lucifer, as the mascot's red, punchy blood spilled all over the floor.

Bernkastel cleared her throat. "On the path to realization, there are many bumps in the road. Knowingly or not, You've all been playing Beatrice's game. Now It's time to play mine..." All of a sudden she was surrounded by an ominous purple glow.

Battler took a step back. "What do you mean? You'll tell us something if we play your game?"

She spoke in a cold, flat, knowing , EVIL voice. "Battler... nippah." She raised one hand, and the players were transported to the rooms of the game.



Kanon found himself in the servant's- no, furniture's- quarters, holding a single piece of paper in his had. It read, "FURNITURE KANON- You will stay here until midnight, when my powers will take you to a secondary location. I recommend you do whatever you wish until then, as you won't have any alone time for a while yet. Hee Hee hee... nipah~!"

He sighed, and decided to take a shower.

Now, at this point an omniscient narrator could take great pains to describe Kanon during this action, especially detailing on how it's such a pity not many have seen him in such a situation. Most good narratives of a series of events wouldn't describe how Kanon moaned with pleasure while the hot water ran down his back, or illustrate his perfect chest, with abs barely noticable but still hard as a rock to the touch, like the rest of the muscles in his almost greyhound-like body. A narrative would also not go onto describe his almost feminine legs, and graceful movements, and would surely leave the imagination of the waist area and lower to the reader, not even bothering to point out his obviously mesmerizing hips and cute butt. Nope, all this and more would just be left to the imagination. Because how would anyone come to know this, anyway?


When Maria appeared in the kitchen, she at first felt confused and unhappy to be away from everybody. But she was just transported by magic, right? MAGIC!

"Ua~" A piece of parchment fell from under her crown. Its instructions were simple.

"Maria-chan... To recieve a clue to where you can find the Ultimate Answer, what you get when you divide by zero, you must first complete a task to entertain me and earn my trust. Since you are young yet, I shall give you an easy task. Tell me a good joke. -Witch Bernkastel"

"Ua~! Maria knows lots of good jokes! She'll tell a reeeealy good one she heard! John Hill and Mary Hill just got married- ua~- and they wanna go on their honeymoon in the mountains of Transylvania! But it storms really really bad and their car crashes. So, they find a big, dark, scary castle in the distance..."


He was in a basement. The door was locked. He hadn't found his sheet of paper.


"... and when they went to the scary castle a scary hunchback with a lisp named Igor opened it and he sees that they're hurt really really really bad from the car crash and takes them in and to the basement where there's a bunch of creepy medical stuff and calls his master to help them..."


He was getting very bored. He checked his watch. About half an hour till midnight. Grr... wasn't he supposed to be figuring out how to divide by zero? He current theory was that if you divided by Zero you got Orange.


"... and the master of the castle was playing his organ in the top room very creepily but left running when Igor came. So he went into the basement, but by the time he got there, John Hill and Mary Hill had died from blood loss. Ua~! he was sad. So he went back upstairs..."


...was still bored. He found a mirror and began doing the Hare Hare Yukai dance in front of it. Then he sat for a few more minutes. Wasn't he supposed to beat the witch's challenge? He heard the clocks begin to chime midnight in the distance. Maybe his challenge was to keep himself entertained? He sighed and looked down, to find a sheet of paper at his feet. It read
: M"Amakusa-kun... To recieve a clue to where you can find the Ultimate Answer, what you get when you divide by zero, you must first complete a task to entertain me and earn my trust. I suggest you get the first young, attractive person you see and become more than friends.
-Witch Bernkastel"

"Huh." he said. As he was thinking, a postscript appeared at the bottom of the paper.

"P.S. I like yaoi." The clocks stopped chiming, and there was a loud crash in the corner of the room. He went to check it out.


"...and when he got back upstairs he was so sad at their deaths and how he couldn't do anything to stop them so he let out his grief by playing the creepy organ! Ua~! DUN! DadadaDUN da! And when the sound of the organ drifted downstairs to the basement with Igor and the bodies, John and Mary Hill blinked, and started moving again. So Igor ran upstairs to his master the count and shouted,

Maria giggled. "Ua~!"

She could have sworn she heard Bernkastel sigh and say. "Fine."

Immediately golden butterflies appeared and formed letters in front of the window.

"Ua~! Pretty butterflies!"

Rosa appeared out of thin air. "Stupid girl! That's the first clue!" She then vanished.

Maria sighed and began reading. "It says... Um... 'All of it are belong to us?'"


In the corner of the basement appeared a puzzled, half-naked, dripping Kanon holding a towel. Amakusa's glanced back down at the piece of parchment, and his thought process was rather direct.

Kanon = 'young'

Kanon = 'attractive'

Kanon = 'person'- wait!- furniture.

He squinted at a certain area as Kanon backed away slowly.

Nope. Kanon certainly = 'person'

'Yaoi'? Kanon = boy.

Me = boy.

'More than friends' ="

He paused and surveyed Kanon again.

Hey, I can deal with this...


Battler found himself in Kinzo's study, with a single letter that read, "It's your responsibility to put the clues together. I wish you luck, Battler-kun. -Witch Bernkastel"

"Oh, I got this!" he exclaimed. "Hey- I am the resident Phoenix Wright in this game, after all!" He took an 'OBJECTION!' pose.

The door slammed open, revealing his little cousin.

"Ua~! Ua~! Battler! Maria has the first clue!"

A/N: ...I actually intended to cover a lot more in this chapter, but it got considerably longer than I wanted it to be. Plus my fingers hurt. I didn't get to the parts with the Sisters and Jessica * disappointed* but they shall come soon! REVIEW! Nekoraven out.