Butt Dial.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, oh hells no.

Crackish with a lovely dab of RATED M.

AU. You can always count on Naruto to inspire homicidal thoughts through texting.

11:09 PM

INCOMING CALL: THE BASTARD

Accept/Ignore/Silence

11:09 PM

INCOMING CALL: THE BASTARD

Accept/Ignore/Silence

"Yo, QueenPrissBitch, What's up?"

"S-Sasuke-kunnn! Yes! God, right there-oohh."

"Shit, Sakura…fuck, you feel so tight-"

"Harder!"

"Shit, I'm gonna.."

"Pull OUT! Now!"

"God, that was..."

"Yeah…just wow."

"Sakura…I love you."

"I love you too Sasuke-kun...now, can we…try…six-"

YOU HAVE ENDED CALL AT 11:17 PM

3:45 PM

RamenIsJesus to UchihaS:

Hey Prissy, you're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?

3:47 PM

UchihaS to RamenIsJesus:

What the hell? A little early for smoking pot, isn't it Dobe?

3:48 PM

RamenIsJesus to UchihaS:

Oh, Miss Uchiha, you are such a riot.

Hey! Hey! Hey! GUESS THE FUCK WHAT. :D

3:53 PM

RamenIsJesus to UchihaS:

SASUCERS. Don't ignore me!

This is muy importante! Stop being a pansy, you girl, text back.

3:57 PM

RamenIsJesus to UchihaS:

Since you're a complete PRISS, I'm going to tell you ANYWAY.

Dude.

I saw Sakura-chan working out earlier today.

She's really good on balls.

4:02 PM

RamenIsJesus to Pinkette:

Sakura-chan!

4:03 PM

Pinkette toRamenIsJesus:

I'm kind of at the hospital right now, Naruto. Is this important?

4:05 PM

RamenIsJesus to Pinkette:

Sakura-chan you're so sweet and kind to be helping the sickly! Well yes it is very important.

YOU SEE, SAKURA-CHAN, IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SASUKE-BITCH IS BAD AT CALCULUS. HE REQUIRES YOUR HELP, EVEN THOUGH THE LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL WON'T ADMIT TO IT.

THUS, BEING THE GREAT FRIEND THAT I AM, AM GOING TO ASK THE QUESTION THAT HAS HIS LACY PANTIES IN A TWIST.

Can you integrate his natural log?

4:06 PM

Pinkette toRamenIsJesus:

Um.

I'm not quite, uh, sure, about that one. Sorry.

4:07 PM

RamenIsJesus to Pinkette:

OH REALLY, SAKURA-CHAN? BECAUSE HE KNEW IF ANYONE COULD ANSWER IT, IT WOULD BE YOU.

WELL, THEN, ARE YOU COULD AT PROBABILITIES? SASUKE WANTS TO KNOW IF HE FLIPS A COIN, WHAT ARE HIS CHANCES OF GETTING HEAD?

4:12 PM

RamenIsJesus to QueenIno, Ten-10, SandDancer1, Tr0ublesom3, VictemofLove, PuppetsAren'tCreepy, HyuugaN, HyuugaH, UchihaI, YOSHLEE, Blonde'n'Charge, BeMasked, Artiste, FoodBoss, Bugz4Ever, SuigetsuLikesBoobies, KarinIsACutay… :

PEOPLE OF KONOHA,

A SCANDALOUS PIECE OF NEWS/GOSSIP HAS ERUPTED (bahahaha.) :

SAKURA HARUNO AND SASUKE UCHIHA HAVE BANGED AND ARE GOING TO ELOPE.

BUT THEY'RE DOING IT SECRETLY, SO SHUSH, DON'T TELL ANYONE.

Karin: Take this as your queue to leave, you goddamn wannabe-slore, WHO CAN'T SEEM TO FIND ANYONE, LET ALONE SASUKE (I MEAN, HE GETS TO BANG SAKURA-CHAN NOW WHY WOULD HE NEED LOOK AT ANY OTHER GIRL, LET ALONE YOU.), TO TOUCH YOU. That's right, bitch. Go jump into a volcano or something.

PS: He told her he loved her.

PEOPLE. WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN.

….AND IF HE HURTS HER, A HOMICIDE.

4:15 PM

RamenIsJesus to Pinkette, UchihaS:

Sakura-chan, Bastard;

I know about you having sexual affairs, and maybe even a relationship.(Sakura-chan isn't a whore right? Please tell me SassKing over there manned up and asked you to be in a relationship and not just a fuck.)

Kudos, Sasubitch, you took off the skirt and traded it for some big boy pants! (ABOUT TIME.)

Btw, IT'S ALL SASUKE'S FAULT FOR BUTT DIALING ME DURING SEX. (Gonna spank him, Sakura-chan?)

THANKS FOR THE LOVELY MOANING, REALLY, I TOTALLY NEEDED TO HEAR ALL OF THAT.

ANYHOO, I took the liberty of recording it, for blackmail, and to send to the non-believers WHO WE WILL SHUN IF THEY DON'T BELIEVE MY PROOF.

Sakura-chan, If he hurts you, I'm going to hang his balls from a tree. SO CALL ME IF THAT DAY COMES. I'M SERIOUS.

…heh.

One last thing, AWW YOU LOVE HER. (Good, bitch.)

Oh. And I told everyone already. No need to thank me.

4:15 PM

UchihaS to RamenIsJesus:

You have an hour before I hunt you down and kill you slowly, then dismember your body, and feed it to rabid dogs.

No shit she's not just a fuck, Dobe.

I hope you get fucked up the ass by Sai.

4:15 PM

Ten-10 toRamenIsJesus:

AWWWW!

4:16 PM

QueenIno toRamenIsJesus:

YES. Forehead finally GETS SOME.

4:16 PM

HyuugaN toRamenIsJesus:

Naruto,

You are aware that is a complete invasion of privacy and surely the people of Konoha have a better use of their time than listen to the pointless ramblings of a fool who is trying to gain attention from his friend's personal affairs?

Yours,

Neji

4:16 PM

RamenisJesus to Hyuuga N:

Neji,

Go straighten your hair.

AND GROW A DICK WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

You're shaming the name of men everywhere; by the way you DEEP CONDITION EVERY OTHER NIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT I READ YOUR "ANNOYOMOUS" BLOG, WHAT OTHER FREAK WOULD MAKE A BLOG ABOUT "PROPER HAIRCARE AND NUTRITIONAL MINERALS THAT HELP GET THE SLEEKEST HAIR POSSIBLE"?

"YOURS" (EXCEPT NOT REALLY.)

Naruto

(Yes. I was mocking you.)

(…grow a dick. Don't bother trying with balls, you can only wish.)

4:17 PM

YOSHLEE toRamenIsJesus:

YOSH! Sakura-san and Uchiha-san are FLOUNCING IN THE MEADOW OF YOUTH! The springtime of YOUTH WILL NEVER DIE! The fire they have burning inside of them IS SO BRIGHT IT SHINES WITH YOUTH, INSPIRING THE YOUTHFUL PEOPLE OF KONOHA!

4:17 PM

RamenisJesus to YOSHLEE:

Lee, get some Ritalin. Kthxbai.

4:17 PM

BeMasked toRamenIsJesus, Pinkette, UchihaS:

I have never been so proud of all three of you.

Use protection, my lovely pupils! If you need to borrow any of my books, let me know! Sasuke, meet me on the bridge tomorrow morning; I have some tips that will come in handy, Icha-Icha is very detailed and firm on instructions!

4:18 PM

Blonde'n'Charge toRamenIsJesus:

IF UCHIHA GETS SAKURA PREGNANT I WILL KILL HIM MYSELF.

4:18 PM

UchihaI to UchihaS, Pinkette, RamenIsJesus:

Aww, little brother has a girlfriend!

Well, aren't you two just precious!

When can I meet her?

4:18 PM

UchihaS to UchihaI, Pinkette, RamenIsJesus:

Never, you fucker.

Rot in hell.

Or raped by fan girls and get torn apart by rabid dogs.

4:19 PM

Pinkette to UchihaI, UchihaS, RamenIsJesus:

Itachi-san,

Excuse your brother's rude behavior. I would love to meet you; we must set this up soon!

4:20 PM

UchihaS to Pinkette:

Stop flirting with my brother, it's weird and annoying.

You aren't meeting him.

Meet me at my apartment when your shift ends.

-S

…love you.

4:22 PM

UchihaS to Pinkette:

…why did you not say it back?

4:23 PM

Pinkette to UchihaS:

Whoops, sorry honey. Love you too.

4:24 PM

RamenIsJesus to UchihaI:

I'LL INTRODUCE YOU, ITACHI. :D

4:26 PM

KarinIsACutay to RamenIsJesus, UchihaS, Pinkette:

NARUTO IS LYING THERE'S NO WAY SASUKE-KUN WOULD EVER LOVE THAT PINK-HAIRED SLUT, SHE'S SUCH A BITCH, SASUKE-KUN IS MINE AND I'LL KICK ANYONE'S ASS TO PROVE IT!

Baby; I know she could never give you what I could...a long, rough night…

Love,

Karin

4:26 PM

Pinkette to KarinIsACutay, UchihaS, RamenIsJesus:

BITCH, YOU WANNA GO? I'LL DESTROY YOU, YOU LITTLE WHORE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, FRICKING JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FIGURE AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TROLL OR SOME HIDEOUS DISFIGURED SEA CREATURE. AND YOU HAVE A FAT ASS. He's MINE. He even got me A PROMISE RING.

RamenIsJesus, UchihaS, Pinkette;

BLOCK KarinIsACutay

Yes/No

BLOCK KarinIsACutay

Yes/No

4:27 PM

UchihaS to Pinkette:

….Meet me at your apartment. Now.

Fin.

Like? Dislike? Questions?

Review~