Disclaimer:All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. Twilight character names belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. All rights to this story and it's play on characters are the property of UnintendedFrenzy.

Well I am so excited to give you my version of a crack fic. There are a few people I need to thank so hang on...

Heather...you wanted a vamp bella...now you have one. Not sure if this is what you pictured...I know this is not what you pictured...but have fun.

Pea...TY for sitting on the phone with me on your b-day to listen to my rant on what I wanted to do with this strange FF and for reading this several times before publishing. I am so glad we share a pod, nine hundred miles long.

MasterBeta...RedTY TY for taking the time to love me...You are the best beta, twin, pervet ever!

OK...please visit my profile...the pervets will be hosting a contest coming up very soon. We will post the details very soon.

Now...on with the show...and don't forget to Review Review Review...


I always knew I didn't belong in that world. I was different in every way.

When I was a kid I was transparent - my dad never really showed me much attention. Sure, we had the occasional fishing trip that made me want to dig my own eyes out and pour bleach into my ears. The invisibility did have its perks though. I could come and go as I pleased. I was smart in school and I took care of myself and Charlie, my father. The older I got, the more I realized something within me was not quite right. My thoughts curved to crude in two point two seconds. I would pass hot men and women on the street and it took everything in me to walk away from them. I would people watch and fascinate about licking and touching them in all perverbial places. I would battle with the lust that occupied my head. It was like Ron Jeremy and Cyrano De Bergerac was caught in my brain stem. One would think the nasty and the other would feed me the warped pervery from behind my orbital lobe.

Charlie decided to stay in Arizona after my mother ran out on him. She moved away and I never saw that skank whore again. Charlie works for the Glendale Police, so I guess you could say I felt safe - safe enough to do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. If I was not my father's daughter, I'm sure I would have been arrested on multiple occasions. I was tossed behind bars to teach me a lesson once. It was so unsanitary and there was this crazy ass bitch named Jessica. Every time I tried to sit she would scream at the top of her lungs, "Fuck shit! Dat's mine!" clap her hands, bob her head two times, and end the fuckery with a sound only a mother could love. She was a nut job on a stick.

My wonderful experience in the slammer made me chill for a while, giving my father a break from my antics. I missed going out by myself. Night was my time of day. I would blow up people's mail boxes, joy ride trash cans down a hill, and my favorite was when I picked a row of houses and filled the yard sprinklers with dish soap. That made for a bubbly morning when all the timers went off.

When I was seventeen, I snuck out after one of Charlie's beer binges, which meant he was passed plum out on the couch, and just wandered up and down 85th street. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was destined for something a lot larger than the life I was born into. That was when I met Emmett, a charming oaf of a man.

That night was a blur. I can remember the burn and Em mumbling something about how I was perfect, and he seemed to be pleased with himself. He was taken aback after my transformation - after he asked me multiple times if the transformation hurt. I told him over and over that it hurt like the fiery pits of fucking hell. But, apparently, I never made a sound - not a scream, a whimper, or a twitch of a finger. Emmett said I was special, and I believed him - that is, until I found out why he created me.

"Happy Anniversary, Rose!" he yelled, both hands taadaahing me as I walked through the door. I was a gift to his bad ass vampire wife who turned out to be less than pleased with me and was fucking pissed at him. When Rose asked Emmett what possessed him to do it, he answered, "I thought it would bring spice into the bedroom. We can both fuck her! Yep, our little fuckpire."

Now I was new at the whole vampire thing, but it didn't matter if I was a vampire, human, or caveman, it was a bad, bad idea. Rose beat the ever lovin' shit out of him. I have to give her credit, because he is very large and intimidating. She ripped off an arm and even got a hold of his satchel and tossed them into the stream. Fortunately for him, he got them back.

It was a bit odd after that for me. Rose tried to return me to Arizona, but I was like a dog - I just kept coming back. After all, I had no place to go. A few months of her dropping me in random places - Canada, South Africa, Jersey, Los Angeles, all over the fuckn' globe - I think she and the Cullen's finally caved.

Now, one hundred and nine friggin years later, I am still the same stripped bubble gum - I lose my flavor after two chews!

My family is a bit different. Yes, we are vampires and shit, but we are not your average sleep in a casket, garlic repels us, kind of vamps. We don't suck blood, as in human blood, only animals. Some of us have gifts/traits if you will. Take Alice, my sister, for example. She is the sweetest gypsy I have ever met. She can see the future but her future telling only comes to her in eighties style porn flicks. She has to figure out what is real and what is not. Sometimes she nails it on the head (no pun), and sometimes she fucks everything up (gahh that's good!).

Now Jasper, Alice's mate, is amazing and crazy. He can control the emotions of others but he also absorbs their feelings. So, I'm thinking, after this morning he is going to hate me. I have the gift of x-ray vision and it has manifested into a shield of sorts. I can see through everything, but I can also push it out, away from me, and no one can see me. It's kind of like wearing Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.

This is where it gets a bit sticky. Yeah, that kind of sticky! I'd never had a repercussion from my ability, but little do I know, I'm about to have one, when I meet the most beautiful man I have ever seen.

Today at seven fifty two this morning I drive into the Forks High School parking lot to start my senior year for the umpteenth time. I notice a shiny new Volvo in the student parking lot. No one I know has a car like this, and trust me, we Cullen's know everyone in this tiny town.

"Alice, you have the scoop on who owns that silver Volvo?" I ask, a bit perplexed by how someone is able to slip this information by me. I mean, I would have traded my custom champagne Volvo in if I knew some douche was going to copy me.

"Nope, but I have a feeling you are gonna likey!" her eyebrows pump up and down. She is one strange gypsy!

"Don't make me undress you with my eyes again!" I laugh at myself.

"Really, Bella, you need to get a new line. I couldn't care less if you check me out. You can lick my tits while you're at it." She smiles and steps out of the car, seeming to be very proud of herself.

I can't help my irritation. That stupid shiny Volvo owner is fucking with the wrong bitch!

I grab my pack and head for first period. I'm always the last to be seated, but today I am the first to venture into class. Mike Newton makes his way into the room, smiling my way. I flip him off and, as usual, he doesn't get the message.

"Hey Isabella! I see your summer didn't change your attitude much." He smiles to himself.

"Fuck off, Newton! It's never going to happen." I reply sharply.

It's times like these I wish I was a real vampire, because I sure would love to kill him.

Things start moving and shifting in the room, and without ever seeing the source, I catch a whiff of the most glorious scent I've ever smelled. The room starts to spin, I see stars, and I black out.

I hear Alice's voice, strained with worry, "I'm really sorry. I don't know what's wrong with her. She's never done this before. Bella, snap out of it! This is bad, really bad."

A man's voice rings out like the church bells on a Sunday morning in Arkansas, "It's no bother really. It's not everyday I have a beautiful girl humping my leg."

Huh? What? Who is humping whose leg?

My head slowly comes back to me and, well,shit balls! The humping is coming from me. I fucking freeze with my head only inches from the most delectable man and his scrumdillyuptious dick. I jet my tongue out, the tip running just over the seam of his jeans.

He is my singer. His dick fucking sings to me and I sang back to it…literally. "I can hear you cum-min in the air tonight, hold on..."

"Bells that is enough!" Alice grabs me, forcing me back with a low growl that only I can hear.

I put my hand over my mouth and nose. I have to! Because I am one vampire second away from bobbin' and weaving my mouth on his drum set! The shielding of my nose is to stop the scent of him from penetrating (oh that's a great word) my sniffer. He was just as aroused as I - if not more. I can smell it and see it.

"Sweet, lickable balls, you smell edible!"

He chuckles. "You look edible!" he smiles. "You have kind of done this a bit backwards, so, now that you have secreted on my leg, you think I could get your name?"

Sweet Jesus! His hand reaches out to me. Fuck-a-duck! My eyes shoot to his hand and back to his face. I contain myself though. All I want to do is lick that tall, green-eyed dildo from the base to his head.

So, I do what any Cullen would do. I run like the dickens. Shit! Dickens? Uh!

I run. I run so fast my draft is pulling limbs from the trees as I blow past. BLOW! Blow…I want to suck his pretty face till I get to the center of his lollipop.

I make it home and yell for Carlisle.

"Alice already called, my dear, it sounds as though you are in a predicament."

"Are you fucking serious right now, Carlisle? Pre-DICK-ament? Gahhh, can you hold off on the anatomy innuendos?" For the love of garlic, someone rip my head off and stuff it down my torn neck.

"You are overly dramatic, Bella - always have been. There is nothing to worry about. I've come up with a solution."

He speeds away to the kitchen, and I hear the door to the freezer open and close. He walks at human pace back into the room. That's never a good thing. I take a defensive stance out of fear of what he has.

"Relax. I made this for your oral fixation. It sounds as if he is your singer, so this should help for the time being."

He drops a frozen teething thingy in my hand. After staring at it I realize it is a two inch frozen dick pacifier.

"Are you for real? What the fuck-adee-fuck am I supposed to do with a frozen dick, dad?"

I'm one hundred percent sure this old man has lost his friggin mind. He chuckles at me like I have missed something vital about this mini frozen dick.

"You are to suck on it whenever you're around this boy. If you don't, Bella, you could black out again and do more than just hump his leg. Catch what I'm dropping?"

Um...okay, let me get this right..."You want me suck on a frozen dick to calm my oral fixation…at school?"

"Pretty much. Bells, you'd better keep that dick in your mouth. I'm dead serious, young lady." He smiles, patting me on the shoulder.

Well, there it is. I never thought I would hear those words uttered from Carlisle's mouth.

"Wait, what the fuck is this thing called, and how the hell am I going to explain it?"

"That, Bella, is your DinkyBinky, and as for explaining it…shit if I know." He turns and heads back into his study.

Fuckaduck! Nothing is ever normal in this family!


The rest of my family finally makes it home from school. Emmett, of course, is full of dumb ass jokes. Every time he makes eye contact with me, he pumps a pretend cock in and out of his mouth. By ten, not only am I wide awake, but all I can do is think about the nameless man with the Mount Rushmore penis.

"His name is Edward Masen." Alice can't read minds, but she knows me well.

"Edward? Ahhh...a name fit for king - king of schlongs." Dick, suck, slurp, gurgle…HELP!

My fingers are already near my Jack n Jill. I am dripping wet from the mental floor play I'd been having for the past few hours.

A thought occurs to me. I can just take care of it myself, but I want other hands on me...HIS hands on me.

I've never been with a human or vampire before. Well, there was this one time, at band camp, when I was desperate. I messed around with a wolf dog, but his fur kept getting in my mouth, and after a few tries I gave up.

"What am I going to do, Alice? This Edward shit is fucking with my mind and my pussy has been drooling for ten hours!"

"Have you tried the dinkybinky?" she asks, pointing to the frozen dick hanging from my neck.

Yeah, Carlisle attached the dicksickle to a geeky string, and that isn't even the worst part. I now have a pouch for school with five frozen dicks in it. Yep, I can switch them out if they start to thaw.



All of the Cullen's head out to do their own thing, leaving poor me behind. I decide I'm going to go for a run. I run all the way past the high school and stop dead in my tracks. His scent, Edwards scent, circles my body like Rafiki and his wind tunnel.

I want so much to run the other way, but I'm not strong enough. I follow his arousal all the way to this cute little two story house. I know this is bad, Emmett bad, but I break in to find him on the second level sleeping in his room.

He's stirring in his bed, mumbling incoherent thoughts. For safety, I project my shield, covering just around my frame, and pop in my dinkybinky.

I take my time looking around his room. I can tell he loves to read by all the books scattered about, and that is a turn on. He enjoys music as well. I reach for the CD player to see what's in it and, shit, it turns on and it's on volume level forty two.

As he springs out of bed, I fly up the wall. My body running crooked on the ceiling. I watch closely as he maneuvers around his dark room. He stubs a toe in the hurry to turn off the blaring sound.

"Shit! Damn that hurt," he yells.

I stifle a snicker. He is very cute when he uses profanity.

Making his way back to the bed, I can see the moon beams bouncing off his perfect, cream-colored skin. It makes my drooling pussy convulse. Great now it has turrets.

He crawls back into bed and is instantly back to a deep sleep.

Just as I start to pull myself down from the ceiling, he speaks my name, "Bella, ohhh!"

Do they make pussy bibs? I'm just wondering cause now would be a good time to have one. I mean, I'm already sucking on a binky - might as well go all the way with a pussy bib.

His noisy moaning pulls him out of sleep. He takes a quick look around - like anyone could see him - and shifts his boxers down his legs. I instantly start gnawing on my dinkybinky. Yeah that's it!

Holy crow, he is yanking my singer right under me. I feel the juices pulling. I should have changed out of my skirt because, right now, with the way my body is positioned, I'm about to drip my juices right onto his face.





"Bella, oh my sweet, Bella…Yes! Suck it hard," he yells.

That does it for me. My pussy looks directly into the strobe light, because it just convulses and sputters.

I'm strong and quick, but not that quick. My sweet vaj releases one large order of the special sauce. I can feel it running slowly down my slit, gravity having its way with me. It pulls and bit by bit starts to dangle. Detaching from my happy spot, it heads for Edward's open, orgasming mouth.

Just as he yells his pleasure, it splats against his trachea.

"Shit! Fuck!" I whisper.

"Bella?" He answers, licking his lips and sitting straight up in bed.

Now I am a Review whore and I can't seem to write without them...I know I know It sucks but...hit me wit-it...I need to know if I should continue this...

Thank you so very much for taking your time to read...I hope I made you laugh at least once...REVIEW! TTFN