"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul "– Judy Garland
Okay, here's my apology for taking so long to update! New Year and I'm going to try and post more regularly. I have no intention of giving up on this story so Thank You to all that have continued to read and I hope you're enjoying it!
Ava sobbed into Castiel's chest, soaking his white shirt with her tears. She wondered how she would be able to ever stop crying. She felt all the emotion spilling out of her, from Jimmy's disappearance, to finding out about the pregnancy, the miscarriage and finding Castiel ,stood in what was her and Jimmy's home.
Cas did the only thing he could – he held her tightly against him, allowing her to grieve for however long she needed.
Sam, Dean and Bobby observed the events unfolding through the window.
"Did you know about the baby?" Dean asked his brother.
"Of course I didn't!"Sam replied, incredulously. "Why would I know?"
"You two are pretty close, I thought she may have told you, that's all."
"No. She didn't." Sam sternly replied.
"C'mon boys, let's leave the two of them alone." Bobby said, feeling as if they were prying on the touching scene enfolding in front of them.
Ava wasn't sure how long she cried for, or how long she held on to Castiel for, before her tears finally began to ease.
She did know that the angel hadn't let her go or spoke to her. Her head was now tucked affectionately under his chin.
With all the strength, both physically and emotionally, that she could muster, she lifted herself from his chest, and looked straight into his eyes. His eyes were bluer than she had ever seen them and they were full of emotion. His frown told her that he was saddened by either the discovery of the pregnancy or her, almost, hysterical reaction. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, noticing the tears that had soaked through Cas' shirt and tie, which had absorbed most of them.
"I'm sorry." She barely whispered.
"You have noting to be sorry for." Castiel replied, wiping a missed tear from her cheek, using the pad of his thumb. Just at that slightest touch he wanted more. He wanted to feel her against him again, her arms wrapped lovingly around him.
"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" He asked.
Ava sniffled and gave a small shrug of her shoulders. "I didn't want anyone to know. I felt...ashamed that I hadn't been strong enough to carry the baby." Her lips trembled.
"No! Do not say that you feel ashamed – this is not your fault!" He replied. "If it's anyone's fault, it's mine – I should have fought harder when I...when Jimmy was taken." The fallen angel meant every word that he had said, he would shoulder the blame.
"You were taken. You can't fight forces that strong!" Ava replied.
" I don't know what to say to you, other than that I am truly, truly sorry for what you have been through."
"Don't apologise, you are not to blame. I should have told you about the baby – I wanted to, but each time I thought back about it, I found it so hard to talk about."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
"I know you are." Ava sighed. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"What wasn't meant to be?" Cas asked confusion clear in his expression.
"You and I, well Jimmy and I."
Cas remained silent. His gaze never leaving hers. Neither of them need to say anything more. What had happened was in the past and there was nothing either of them could do to change that. But the angel knew that there were still feelings between them. Each time he laid his eyes on her, she took his breathe away. Holding her those few moments ago had felt right. The way that she had clung to him, needing to feel him against her – it felt so incredibly normal to him.
The un-even ground that Cas was currently sitting on was causing him discomfort, be he would not move an inch until Ava was ready, and that wasn't now as she laid her head back against his chest. His heartbeat soothing her.
Ava wasn't sure how long she stayed protected in Castiel's arms for, but, eventually her tears subsided and she noticed the dark coming over in the sky.
"We need to get inside." She said, moving herself to stand up.
Castiel was reluctant to let her go, but he had no reason to keep her here longer. "Do you want to talk some more?" He said, holding her arm to steady her.
She looked up at him, her green orbs meeting his blue ones. She would have said no, but just looking into his eyes and remembering Jimmy, she found herself nodding her head in reply to his question. "I would like that, I think." She added.
Castiel smiled, Pleased at her response.
The pair then walked silently back into Bobby's abode.
Dean was the first one to speak to them, as he was retrieving a beer bottle from the refrigerator.
"Everything okay?" Ava nodded in response to his question, and she continued to walk through the house, that was now more like her home than her actual home.
Castiel closely followed her.
Bobby and Sam were both seated on the sofa, and as Ava and Cas reached the stairs, Bobby was next to speak. "You okay?" He said. His tone was full of concern. He could see the tears that Ava had shed and he could see the un-easiness in the angels expression.
Ava nodded. "I'm fine. Cas and I are going to continue to chat upstairs." She managed to say. Her voice was croaky and edged with sadness.
"You call if you need anything, ya hear me?" The older hunter continued.
"Thanks Bobby...for everything." She returned.
Upstairs, Ava seated herself on the bed, pulling her brown boots off – she felt a certain relief from just doing that.
Castiel stood uncomfortably in the room, not knowing what to do, or where to sit, even if to sit.
Ava sat back on the bed, with her back against the headboard. "Sit down." She said to the always awkward angel.
"What happened after I...Jimmy disappeared?" Castiel said, seating himself next to Ava on the bed. He needed to know what had been ripped away from him. He had always felt an ache, deep inside, but had never known what it was ; it almost felt that he was missing something. The feeling of loss had become more intense over the past few weeks, since Ava had entered or re-entered his life.
Ava remained silent for a few moments, wringing her hands.
"I reported your disappearance, but the cops did nothing. They just kept saying that disappearance's like this happened all the time, but I knew Jimmy would never leave – not on his own accord." Her lip began to quiver thinking back to the sad events. "I was upset for a while, and was suffering with headaches, so I went to see the Doctor. She took some blood tests and that's how I found out about the pregnancy."
Castiel wanted to hold Ava again, while she continued to tell the painful story ; he wanted her to know that he was there for her now and that he was sorry what she had had to go through alone.
It took a few more moments for Ava to continue re-telling the events. She had never wanted to talk about and re-live the past events, but now seemed the right time to tell who would have been her husband and father of her child.
"I didn't know how I felt at first, but after a few days I was so...so...happy." Cas watched a smile slowly spread across her face, as she remembered that moment. "I still had part of you, part of us and that's what mattered to me."
As she started to recall the events, she felt tears begin to sting the back of her eyes.
Without even thinking about it, Castiel moved closer to her and cradled her against him, as he had done outside.
Ava let herself be held ; she had never wanted to feel that she needed anyone. She had got this far on her own, but right now she did need Castiel.
"I was at work a few days later, when I had dreadful stomach cramps. I went to the restroom and there was...there was just so...so much blood." She sobbed the last word.
"Sssshhhhh." Castiel consoled her. He had heard enough. He was angry with himself, with God and his choice to take Jimmy as he had : splitting up a family and putting Ava through more heartbreak than any innocent human should have been put through.
Eventually Ava's sobs became a whimper against him, until finally the room was silent. The angel had felt her body lay heavy against him and he knew that sleep had taken her.
He had no intention of leaving her side until it was time to, and for the first time in a long time, sleep claimed him also.
Please R &R and let me know what you guys think :)