DARIA MORGENDORFFER VS. THE WORLD
A pointless but short parody ofScott Pilgrim vs. The World
by Erin Mills
"Daria" ©2010 MTV Networks
"Scott Pilgrim" ©2010 Bryan Lee O'Malley
The stupidity started that night at the Zon. Mystik Spiral was playing its umpteenth gig at the seedy bar with questionable ID checking policies. Daria and Jane were standing in the crowd, which was larger than normal, since summer had just started and most of the high school and college students wanted to start it right: with booze and bad music.
98TH DEGREE SARCASM BLACK BELT
RATING: 6 1/2 B
"Is it just me or is there something weird in the air tonight?" Daria said, turning to Jane.
"I think they may have actually decided to put some air freshener in the vents, but otherwise I'm not really seeing any-what the hell is that?" Jane pointed at the black square that had suddenly appeared next to her left shoulder. The two girls looked at the white text printed on the square.
RATING: TOO COOL 4 YOU
"The hell?" Daria asked, as the square suddenly winked out of existence. "What did that mean?"
"Dunno. But the rating was right on," Jane smirked.
"Have they put LSD in the non-alcoholic beverages again? I don't want to go through another Holiday Island hallucination."
"Don't think so. Trent hasn't turned into the Queen of the Fey yet."
Their conversation about the various legality of the ingredients in the beverages was interrupted when the ridiculously stacked redhead in the school uniform of Fielding Prepatory Academy crashed through ceiling, landed in front of them, got to her feet and struck a dramatic pose, balancing unsteadly on the eight inch platform boots she wore.
"MISS MORGENDORFFER! IT IS I, LINDSAY MACGUFFIN! I AM HERE FOR OUR FIGHT PER THE EMAIL THAT YOU RECEIVED EARLIER TODAY!"
Daria and Jane looked at each other then back at the girl, who was breathing heavily, causing her prodigious chest to bobble in a way that attracted the guys in the room and a few of the girls. Then they stared at the glowing blue "VS." that appeared exactly halfway between Daria and the newcomer. The "VS." flashed for a few seconds then vanished much as the black box had done a few moments earlier.
"Um, excuse me?" Daria said, perplexed.
"Don't try to play dumb with me!" Lindsay said. She flicked her wrists and a pair of shining stainless steel claws shot out of the wrists of her school blazer and over her hands. The claws extended a full ten inches from the tips of her fingers.
"How the hell did those fit up your sleeves without us noticing? Or ripping the hell out of your jacket?" Jane asked.
"SILENCE!" Lindsay bellowed. She glared at Daria. "We know you got the email. We made sure we were notified when it was delivered to your in box."
"Yeah, except I haven't been home all day and haven't had a chance to check my email." Daria said. Lindsay's eyes widened and her shoulders slumped, the claws dangling at her side.
"You haven't checked your email yet?" she asked in a small voice. "You really don't know what's going on?"
"Not a clue."
"Well, that's just PEACHY!" Lindsay complained. "Now I look like a complete douche for jumping the gun. Thanks a lot, Tom."
"Tom? As in Tom Sloane?" Daria said. "What the hell does he have to do with this?"
Lindsay shrugged. "You broke his heart a few weeks ago, so he came up with this idea to have his Seven Evil Exes go out and try to kill you as a measure of revenge. I'm the first one. But Mr. Genius apparently never figured on you not getting the email. He never thinks of things like that. Just waves his hand and expects everything to fall into place. Jesus, I never realized what a schmuck he was until after he dumped me."
"Wait, Daria dumped him, so now he wants her dead?" Jane asked. "And he's going to do it by sending his ex girlfriends after her?"
"Exes," Lindsay said. "Yeah. You know, now that I think of it. It's a really stupid plan. I mean, he dumped all of us on the list. Why the hell should we even care?"
"It certainly doesn't make any sense to me," Daria answered.
"Screw this, I'm going home. Just watch your ass. The other six are still waiting for their turn." Lindsay turned dramatically towards the door. Unfortunately, the heel of one of her boots hit a crack in the floor and she went sprawling landing hard on her own claws. Daria and Jane's eyes widened as Lindsay let out a breif scream then vanished, leaving a small pile of coins scattered on the floor. The number 1000 flashed in the air above the coins for a breif moment then disappeared.
"Coins?" Daria asked. "What the fuck?"
Jane knelt down and picked up the coins. "Looks like about $3.49. Cool, we can get a Cluster Burger Special."
Daria looked around. The crowd had gone back to their conversation. "Why hasn't anyone called the police yet?"
"What would they say? A killer schoolgirl with a huge rack crashed through the ceiling, challenged you to a fight, got bored and impaled herself on her own martial arts claws then dissolved into coins?"
Daria considered this. "You have a point. Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"My place. I want to see this email."
LATER THAT NIGHT...
"You know, that's really fucking weird seeing those words just hanging up there," Jane said, looking at the above caption.
"Just keep walking and ignore it. Today's been even more stupid than normal and I've had enough of it." Daria replied as they walked up the drive to the Sloane mansion. "I'm going to get some answers out of Mr. Thomas Eloise Sloane if it's the last thing I do."
"His middle name is Eloise?" Jane said, surprised. "No wonder he's such an incredible douche."
They reached the door and rang the doorbell. Instantly two holes opened in the front stoop, sucking each of the girls into one of them. One quick, disorienting ride through a vaccuum tube later, Daria found herself deposited in a large, black room with a red tiled floor. A window illuminated high up on the wall opposite her, revealing Tom Sloane, dressed in a black velvet smoking jacket. He held a martini in one hand and lounged sideways in an ornate chair, one leg thrown over one of the chair arms. A black box appeared next to him.
TOM ELOISE SLOANE
RATING: DOUCHIEST DOUCHE WHO EVER DOUCHED A DOUCHE
"What the?" Tom hurled the martini glass at the black box. It vanished and the drink shattered against the far wall. Tom smoothed his hair, straightened his smoking jacket and resumed his languid pose.
"Daria Morgendorffer, we meet again." He smirked. "And I must congratulate you on defeating six of my Seven Evil Exes so quickly. I really wasn't expecting you to get this far."
Daria folded her arms and looked up at him. "Tom, it's been a really long, stupid day full of more colorful idiots than normal. Just tell me what you want so we can wrap this up."
"I want you to hurt, Daria. I want you to feel all the pain and agony of your callous spurning of my affections. I want you to cry and bleed and cry and bleed and cry and bleed-"
"This is really because I backed out of sleeping with you, isn't it?" Daria interrupted.
"DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! Do you have any idea how much my reputation suffered after that AND when YOU broke up with ME? I was subjected to the Wall of the Waxing Moons and the Dreaded Crotchworthy Towel Snap! And that's a pain that never truly fades, Daria."
Daria sighed in exasperation. "Look, I know you're upset but this is just...stupid. Like Fashion Club level stupid. So let's just call this whole thing off, I'll go home and we won't have to see each other again, okay?"
"Oh no, Daria, you don't get off that easily. I said you'd have to battle my Seven Evil Exes, and that's EXACTLY what you're going to do. I think you'll be able to appreciate the pain you'll feel when Ex Number Seven gets her claws into you and makes you feel all the hurt you caused her!"
"What the hell are you...oh. Shit." Daria muttered.
There was another woosh of a vaccuum and Jane fell from the ceiling and landed on the floor.
"OW! Parquet floor really hurts!"
Jane got to her feet and dusted herself off. She saw Daria standing a few feet away from her. "Hey, amiga, what the hell's going on?"
There was a techno music sting and the blue glowing "VS." appeared exactly halfway between them.
"Oh." Jane said, "Let me guess. I'm Evil Ex Number Seven."
"Apparently," Daria said.
"And I'm supposed to fight you with all the unmitigated savagery only a teenage girl betrayed by her best friend can muster."
"Looks like it."
"And I suppose that savagery is going to be represented by unworldly supernatural powers that I've never had before today, but will be able to instinctively use."
"I think that pretty much sums it up."
There was a breif pause as Daria and Jane looked at each other. Then Jane turned and looked up at Tom.
"You ARE an incredible douche, you know that?"
Tom got to his feet, his face turning bright red with anger. "IT DOESN'T MATTER! YOU HAVE TO FIGHT!"
"Why? So you can get off on the idea of all your exes beating the crap out of each other all over you?" Jane asked. "Especially me and Daria? Yeah, I've seen the photoshop job you did on your computer."
"THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!" Tom yelped. Suddenly, his pants fell down around his ankles, revealing the leopard print bikini briefs he was wearing. Daria and Jane looked at him for a long moment, then burst out laughing.
Tom angrily pulle dup his pants, recinched his belt and vanished form the window. After fe wmoments a door opened in the far wall and he stalked towards them.
"It doesn't matter why I set all this up. The fact remains that you are not getting out of here until you fight each other, just like you had to fight all my other Evil Exes."
"Actually, I didn't." Daria said.
Tom's left eye began to twitch. "What?"
"Well, let's see..." Jane reached into a pocket and unfolded a sheet of paper. "Lindsay, after telling us what the hell was going on, accidentally impaled herself on her own claws. Monica Llewellyn conceded the match after she realized she was better off without you..."
Jane handed the paper to Daria, who took over reading. "Patricia Hawkins said she only got involved with you to see if she was gay or not. She and her partner, Miranda, say hello by the way..."
Tom's fists clenched and his face began to turn red again. Daria kept reading from the list.
"And speaking of gay exes, Mark Davies says you're never getting your copy of the 'Starlight Express' cast recording back."
"And, Tom, you look absolutely fetching in those heels from when you two went to Club Squish at the Cove," Jane smirked.
"May i continue?" Daria asked.
"Oh, please do," Jane replied.
"Elizabeth DuPree says if she sees you again, she's going to take Daddy's shotgun to your balls. Olivia Hammond says she's reinstating the restraining order..."
"And as for me," Jane finished, "and that fight you want Daria and me to get into. Well, you're gonna get your wish, Tommy boy. Amiga?"
Jane held up her hand in a high five. Daria put the list in her pocket, smirked and slapped Jane's hand. As soon as contact was made, a new blue neon notice appeared in front of them
2-PLAYER CO-OP MODE ACTIVATED.
Tom blinked, and his face went from scarlet to pure white as he looked at the evil expressions on his exes faces.
"Oh, fuck me," he muttered.
"Not a chance in hell, Tom." Daria and Jane said simultaneously.
GOOD! GOOD! EXCELLENT! BRUTAL! 666 HIT COMBO! NICE! SWEET! BITCHIN'! AWESOME! EXCELLENT! FUCKING AMAZING!
Daria and Jane smiled at each other as Tom exploded into a shower of coins that glittered in the arty stage lighting of the room before clattering to the floor, miraculously missing both of them.
"So much for Tom's cure for a broken heart," Jane said. "God, he really was an incredible douche, wasn't he?"
"Yeah, I can't believe you thought he was cute." Daria replied. Jane gave Daria a dirty look.
"Maybe I SHOULD have taken the opportunity to beat you senseless."
"Maybe you can buy the pizza."
"Bullshit I'm buying the pizza. Let's let Douchelord McGee here buy it. God knows there's enough coinage to cover it around here."
"Sounds good to me."
A little while later, their pockets bulging with loose change, the two girls came out of the Sloane mansion and began walking back towards town.
After a while, Daria looked over at Jane. "Jane?"
"Should I care that none of this made a lick of sense?"
"What did you expect? It's a parody fanfic. Yo, Mills! How about a ride? These damn coins are getting heavy!"
At that moment a stretch limousine, driven by a hansome muscular Norweigan named Sven pulled up. The doors opened, revealing the plush interior, big screen TV, open bar and in car jacuzzi.
"Now THIS is how all our fanfics need to end." Jane said, climbing in. "Quick, get in before he decides to have us make out with each other again."
"Don't have to ask me twice." Daria hopped in the car, slammed the door and the limo drove off into the sunrise, away from the madness that lay behind them and into the new madness waiting in front of them.
"Wait, what did he say?"