Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing, but I think most people already knew that.

Diary of a Not-So-Wimpy Vampire


Okay, let me get a few things straight. This is not a diary; it is an autobiography. I do not know what would give Sir Integra the idea that I (I, the No-Life King, fearsome, bloody ruler of the night) would ever write in a diary, but that is what she seems to believe is happening here. Despite my best attempts to relieve her of this preposterous idea, she seems to have got it firmly in her head that her Servant is writing a diary, and the notion cannot be removed from her cranium. I just want to make sure that anyone who may find themselves reading this knows that this is an autobiography, not a diary.

Also, I find it hard to keep track of dates. So, it is best for me to only write down the day of the week, rather than the formal date. Sir Integra learned this lesson the hard way when she asked me to help her with paperwork, although I still do not understand why she is so angry. Accidentally writing the date as 'April 23, 1783' on every single one of her papers is not really that big of a mistake.

Anyway, today my Master has commissioned me to deal with a rogue vampire in the village of Cheddar. I must admit, I was rather let down when I found out that it is not made out of cheese. Just one more thing I do not understand about humans. If you're going to name a village "Cheddar", shouldn't it be made out of cheese? Or at least have something to do with cheese? I would live there if it was made out of cheese... but I digress.

Apparently some idiot at the London Police Department has already dispatched three units to Cheddar. It's so annoying when they do this. The police can't do anything except get turned into ghouls, and police ghouls are even more annoying than regular ghouls. Imagine, if you will, a swarm of gnats. These are the regular ghouls. Now imagine a swarm of kindergartners who want you to play 'house' with them and buy them popsicles. These are the police ghouls. They are annoying as heck and they will not leave me alone. Of course, I do have fun wantonly slaughtering them, but it gets old after a while. That's why I believe I will just go straight for the vampire this time around. I don't feel like playing 'exterminator' tonight.


My Master is rather angry with me today, and I can understand why. Still, she sent me to bed early this morning, so I'm being defiant and staying up late in the afternoon to write this while inside my coffin. Believe me, this is no easy task. It's hard to hold a pen, paper, and flashlight at the same time while lying on your stomach inside a box that was not meant for this sort of thing. Besides, it's about 10:00 A.M., and I'm rather tired. So, excuse my penmanship.

The reason for my early-morning lockdown? Well, last night I brought home a fledgling. It's a rather long story, but I'll write it down anyway. I got to the village of Cheddar, and I encountered surprisingly few ghouls upon my arrival. Usually, they're all over me as soon as I set foot on their 'turf', so I figured something was fishy. Actually, it turns out that there was, in fact, a lot of fish in the village of Cheddar; some ghouls had apparently intercepted a travelling fish-monger and stolen his goods. However, I figured Sir Integra would not want any rotten Tilapia, so I moved on and left the bad pun behind. Well, okay, that's a lie. After that I couldn't stop thinking, "One fish, two fish," but nobody I know really needs to find out about that.

Anyway, I took a bit of a leisurely stroll in the moonlight. I did run into a couple of straggling ghouls, which I can tell you were dispatched quickly and nonchalantly, but other than that, it was pretty quiet. I found the whole thing rather intriguing, actually, so after a suitable amount of time I decided to stop smelling the roses and get the job done. I could sense a large gathering of ghouls in a clearing nearby, so I figured that was where the vampire was hiding. As always, I was right (no surprises there). However, as I got closer to said clearing, I noticed something odd; I could sense the consciousness of a human. A living, breathing, un-undead (?) human. Originally, I'd just taken my time, assuming that the ghouls had simply killed everyone. After all, there aren't usually any survivors on this type of job. Still, what I was sensing was definitely a bona-fide human being, so that made the stakes of this engagement slightly higher. Master has made it clear that keeping any human victims alive should be relatively high on my priority list for this type of thing, within reason, of course. Thus, I realized I would probably have to go out of my way to save this one, and I'll admit, that did put a bit of a damper on my previously high spirits. Normally it's far more fun to simply kill everything in sight, but this time I would have to make sure I didn't hit whoever it was.

I strode into the clearing, and that's when I noticed a couple of things that would affect the course of events later on that night.

First thing I noticed: there were a ton of ghouls. And I mean a ton; this freak had actually managed to assemble a small army. I was slightly impressed for a brief instant.

Second thing I noticed: the vampire, dressed as a priest, was in the center of the clearing, attempting to rape someone.

Third thing: the "someone" being raped was the human survivor I'd noticed earlier, who just happened to be a police girl with blond hair.

Fourth thing: she had really, really big boobs.

That last one was probably what made events unfold as they did that night. Now, before you label me a pervert or a pimp, let me explain myself. They were REALLY big. I am a male. Do the math.

Biology lesson aside, I suddenly found myself extremely motivated to save this particular human, so I decided to make my presence known to the freak before he violated her. He asked, "Who the heck are you?" I told him, "Your death." Then I mumbled, "Red fish, dead fish." Okay, so I read a lot of Doctor Seuss. Get over it. After that he proceeded to blather on about something or other, and then I think he tried to kill me by having all his ghouls shoot at me. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. It's always the same with this so-called vampire rabble; they're all so unoriginal. Anyway, I came back to life after being torn apart by who-knows-how-many bullets and whatnot, and I allowed myself the customary satisfaction of watching the freak, well, freak out. I love looking at people's faces when they see me regenerate. One time I made an annoying cosplayer pee his pants and barf his innards at the same time. Oh, the hidden joys of being a creature of the night. :D

After that, the vamp realized he couldn't possibly defeat me, so he resorted to fighting dirty: he started using the girl as a shield. That kind of threw me a little, but it's not like I didn't expect it. These cockroaches are capable of stooping far lower than most people think they would. At first, I was a little put-out that I'd have to kill her, but then I got an idea. I asked the girl if she was a virgin, and amazingly, she said yes. Jackpot! I thought, and without really thinking rationally, I shot one of my silver-tipped bullets right through the center of her chest. She fell over, and I quickly plunged my hand through the freak vampire's heart before I could realize the consequences of what I was doing. The 'priest' dissipated into a pile of dust, and that's when it happened. The piece de resistance of my scheme, and the reason I am currently being punished. I turned the police girl into a vampire.

Granted, it was not the wisest decision I ever made. I probably should have found out more about her personality or whatever before I turned her. But I really wasn't thinking about that when it happened. I was probably thinking more along the lines of, Ooh! Blond hair, blue eyes, and B Negative! What a package! Still, whatever may have been going through my mind is now moot, since it is impossible to undo what I've done. The police girl, Seras Victoria, is now my fledgling. At least she seems to have good skills with a gun.

And that is the reason Master is so very unhappy with me. I tried to spin things towards a positive side, saying things like 'having another vampire in the Hellsing forces makes for a good backup plan' and 'I promise I'll remember to feed it', but Sir Integra could only think about how much money buying twice the current amount of medical blood would cost. I read her mind, and I think she's also a little jealous, but she won't admit it out loud. I don't understand why; the Police Girl is my slave, not my girlfriend. And I have no romantic interest in Master anyway, so what reason would she have to be jealous? I often find myself not understanding humans, but I more often find myself not understanding women. It puzzles me how the women I've encountered can be so very different from the men. Perhaps women are really the descendants of an alien species that came to populate this planet millions of years ago. Not that I believe in UFOs, but that is the only feasible explanation I've been able to find thus far for the strange behaviours of the opposite sex. People seem to think that because I can take the form of a little girl, that means that I should be able to understand women, but that's not really the case.

I think that's all I'll write for now. Do you know why? I just got ink all over the Police Girl, and she's attempting to bludgeon me with a lamp. I, of course, am not threatened by this, but it's becoming impossible to write. So, I think I'll stop here.