Suppressed

As I glance over, I see the brown, sticky, fizzing liquid bubbling as it spreads across the whole surface of the table. The once immaculate crystal white tablecloth now soiled. Fear. Fear sticks in my throat, blocking all my airways. I can't breathe. My eyes prick with terror, unable to blink. I can't move. Sat stiff and frightened. I want to look away but yet I can't. I have to watch.

The little girl squirms out the way of the liquid, whilst her mum is quickly whipping round a napkin trying to catch the liquid before it touches the spotless, expensive maroon carpet. Her father, grabbing the attention of the neatly, dressed waiter; asks for a replacement diet coke for his daughter.

That's when it starts. The flashes. Blinding white light. Pictures forming before my eyes. Movies. Life stories. In front of me, I can see it all. My air leaving my body, rapidly. Gasping. Gasping for air. There it is. My childhood. My life. My parents….

15 years ago…

The purple beaker rolls across the table. The cloudy liquid blanketing the kitchen tiles like clouds covering a summer day sky. My mum, getting angry, throws the dishcloth at me and tells me to clean the floor. So there I am. Shivering with fear. On my hands and knee's wiping the floor. When suddenly an unbearable pain shoots through me. I roll onto my back, clutching at my stomach. Looking up at my attacker, my mum. No she couldn't. She is my mum. She could never hurt me.

Slowly my vision blurs. I look out at the place and people around me. Clutching onto a table leg, I slowly grip hold of the table tighter then a tourniquet. I rise off the floor, where I had been laying in the foetal position. I stand slightly shaken. My eyes beginning to focus on my surroundings. My ears can hear drums. Like a heartbeat in my ear. Slowly, my hearing comes back. I hear a girl. She apologizes for knocking her drink over. That's when I remember. I'm in Pizza Hut, across from where I work. My childhood. All those horrible memories. All those childish fears. Come flooding back to me, now. Why?

I wake up to the sound of a clock chiming in the back ground, like a bird repeating the same tune over and over. I sit up and climb out of bed. Walking to the bathroom, I get to the sink and look at myself in the mirror, hating what I see. I look down; turn on the tap and watch the water spurt out. I cup my hands and fill them with water. I throw the water over my face and immediately I feel awake. I turn the tap off and walk to the kitchen. I switch the kettle on and step outside the front door for the milk. Suddenly, there is a deafening crash of a door. Next door. Slamming their door shut. Shouting at each other as they go.

That's when it starts. The flashes. Blinding white light. Pictures forming before my eyes. Movies. Life stories. In front of me. I can see it all. My air leaving my body, rapidly. Gasping. Gasping for air. There it is. My childhood. My life. My parents….

14 years ago…

My mum shouting at me. Telling me to get in there. I do as my mum says to avoid her getting even angrier. I climb in, nearly tripping on the vacuum cleaner on my way through. I get caught up on the coats, which slows me down. Pain shoots. Shoots through my back. The pain received from a foot. She kicked me, once again. I huddle in to the far corner to avoid any more beatings. I sit there, back against the wall, trembling with fear. Fear of my own mother. I feel white crystal water drops running down my face. I put my head in my hands. Suddenly, I hear the floorboards creaking. Footsteps getting closer. I pray to god that it's my dad home. My dad wouldn't let her do this to me. I hear the crack as the door opens. Light shines through onto my face. Blinking, my eyes slowly adjust to the light. It's my dad. He asks me what I did wrong this time. I tell him nothing. I did nothing dad. He shakes his head and tells me I must have done something and I'm going to stay in there until I realise what I have done to this family. He slams the door. Leaving me to rot away in the corner of the cupboard under the stairs.

Slowly my vision blurs. I look out at the place around me. Sitting in the corner of the kitchen, I feel white crystal water drops running down my face. Panting. Out of breath. I stand up leaning over the sink; I look down, turn on the tap and watch the water spurt out. I cup my hands and fill them with water. I throw the water over my face and immediately I feel awake again and back to reality.

All these memories flooding back to me. Why now? All these years have passed. All my childish fears suppressing me like I'm sat in the corner of a wardrobe and the sides are closing in on me and there is no way of escape. My parents are there. Wherever I go. My dreams, my nightmares everywhere. Their voices replaying in my head, eating away at my sanity. After all this time, I thought the memories would erase and be replaced, but no mater how hard I try they are still there. I just can't stop caring about them, as much as they hurt me they are still my parents. All the wounds to my childhood, my life, my soul and my mind just won't heal. The pain my parent's have caused me is unreal, unimaginable. But still I love them.

I step outside my front door my dogs' lead in my hand. I walk out the front gate of my house and down the street past my car. I keep walking round and round the endless streets just trying to find some peace and quiet from these flashbacks, trying to live my life. Trying to get away from it all. It never works though. I walk up Evanescence Road. The spacious houses that I could only dream to live in, yet it would be a nightmare. This is where I grew up. Number 10 Evanescence Road. This is where it all happened. This is where my life was demolished. I stand outside my old house. Looking up at the roof I see my bedroom window. I keep walking. Fighting the tears with every footstep I take away from that house, that life wrecker. My legs carrying me faster and faster every second, just trying to get away from this street. This memory. The depression seeps back into me pumping through my veins, into my heart and being pumped back round my body. Every beat of my heart is like a demolition ball hitting my self-esteem. Hitting my every good memory until it's all gone. Until there is nothing good left. The darkness of the night surrounding me, I'm so alone. Just the darkness, my memories and me. How can I end this torture? How can I make my life different? Change the way it is? I make it to the end of the street. Tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. At the top, I stop under a lampost and steady myself against it. I look up and see a little girl, teaching herself to skip. The red skipping rope reminds me of my own as a child. She is skipping her little heart out as if every time she skips her emotions and problems leave her. Suddenly, her mum calls her for dinner so in she runs leaving her skipping rope on the floor.

That's when it starts. The flashes. Blinding white light. Pictures forming before my eyes. Movies. Life stories. In front of me. I can see it all. My air leaving my body, rapidly. Gasping. Gasping for air. There it is. My childhood. My life. My parents….

10 years ago…

Outside in pitch black. Skipping. My red skipping rope rotating. My legs, jumping. Up. Down. Up. Down. Suddenly, my mum shouts for me to go inside. I run in the back door leaving the skipping rope on the back door step. As I reach the kitchen, I feel my mum's anger like a heat wave. As soon as I reach the kitchen she grabs me and starts shaking me. She lets me go and thumps me across the face. I fall onto the floor grasping my cheek with my hand. I sit shocked as I look up at her. I feel so vulnerable and powerless. She tells me to get up, but I'm too shocked by her attack to move a muscle. She shouts for me to get up. I slowly try to move, but I'm locked to the floor. It's like I have an invisible force pushing me down. She suddenly grabs me by the collar of my dress and pulls me off the floor. Every centimetre off the floor feels like miles. My dress choking me. Coughing for air. Finally, she puts me down after a lifetime of dangling by a piece of thin fabric. She tells me I'm a disappointment to this family, a mistake and that I'm the worse thing to ever happen to her.

Slowly my vision blurs. I look out at the place around me. I feel white crystal water drops running down my face. I'm a failure always have been always will be. Why am I even alive? No one wants me even my parents who gave life to me don't want me. I should just end my life right here right now. Quit while I am ahead. Nobody wants me here. No one would even notice me gone.

I reach my front door. Letting myself in, I walk straight to my bedroom. I kneel down on my black and white rug beside my bed. I peer under it like a child checking for a monster before going to sleep. I reach under, feeling around for the familiar feel of cardboard. I feel it. The rough dusty cardboard just beneath my finger tips. I grasp the edge of the box and pull it out from under my bed. I hold the box tight to my chest. I sit down cross-legged and drag myself to the deepest darkest corner of my room. Where I sit and place the box on my lap. I explore the items in the box and see many different things like photos of my family, my mum, and my dad. I sit there holding their photos in my hand just wishing things could be different. Wishing I could be different I could be perfect. I carry on searching through the box when something grabs my attention. My red skipping rope. It is just what I need. I'm doing this for my parents, to make them happy. I slide the box along the floor as far away as I can. I sit there for a minute or two planning it. I look at the photos in my lap and see the white crystal tears coating them. I look at their faces and feel the anger build inside of me. So many emotions running through my body, pumping through my veins. Too many emotions for one human being to contain. I have to end this now.

I stand up and put the red rope around my neck. I tie it in a knot and tighten it until I find it hard to move my neck. Guilt. Guilt hits me like a tidal wave wiping out all the sanity in me. Guilt: for ever existing, for being born, for shattering my parent's lives and dreams of a perfect daughter. I could never be whom they wanted and I can never be what they want. So I shouldn't be here in this world. Wasting oxygen that other people can have. I'm a waste of space, time and energy. I walk over towards the built in wardrobe. I walk in and sit in the corner in pitch black. I look at the photos once again. I feel the emotions running through my body. Tears flooding my face. The white crystal like tears hitting the floor and rippling apart like shards of ice smashing. I sit there in that dark corner. The sadness building up inside of me until I can't feel anything at all. All I can feel is the sadness and self hate. I have to end it before I hurt more people. I have to end it before I wreck more lives. Before I break more of people's expectations and wishes. Before I disappoint more people.

I walk out to the landing. Looking down I see the brown shiny laminate floorboards of my living room. I lean over the banister and think for a second. Stood dazed by my thoughts, planning it all. I slowly attach the other end of the rope to the banister. Tears roll down my cheeks. I wipe my tears away with my hand. I feel the anger surge back into me like an electrical current. Angry at my parents for making me like this. I force my feet off the top step. I swing for a moment in thin air no ground beneath me. I can fly. I feel the air running out. Pressure on my neck. The rope cutting through my skin. The blood trickling down my neck. Gasping for air, I lose all strength. I see the photo of my parents floating down to the floor like a beautiful eagle coming in to land. Everything goes blurry. My parent's faces on the floor below me. One last teardrop rolling down my face. I will never feel this pain again. I will be free. I see footsteps walk in the front door. My roommate. I hear her scream as she looks up at me. She scurries away. Moments later I hear sirens and see blue flashing lights poking through the door way like lights from heaven. I look back at my parent's faces and whisper, "this was for you".

Slowly my vision blurs. No sound. No smell. No vision. Nothing. This is the peace I have been searching for. Finally I can rest. No longer suppressed by my childish fears. I'm free. Peace at last… a whisper in my ear saying "I love you! Hold on"…everything fades away. Silence. Nothing…