Fathomless

"Who is Jessica?," I ask quietly. Kate blinks and gives me a dubious look, I suppress a mischievous smile. You didn't see that one coming, Kate. "Max talks about her," I add carefully avidly absorbing the pain in her pale blue eyes.

The green house is very pretty, Max and I have given water to the plants this morning. Sun tickles my face as we come to a halt at the white rose bush in all its splendour. I look at the floor and wait for her to start talking.

Kate takes a deep breath. Her eyes fix on the small silver platelet. I know what is coming. "You never spoke, but I hear you. I never held you, but I feel you." Her voice is hoarse and quivering. "I never knew you… but I love you," she breathes out.

I try to make my face look compassionate and glance at her. "What happened to her?," I whisper inexorably, my atrocity hidden under a mantle of child-like curiosity. I want to hear her say it. Kate doesn't take her eyes off the bush as she answers huskily: "She died when she was still in my tummy." An uncertain smile flits over her face as she gently rubs her hands over her stomach. Tears well up in her eyes.

The false understanding look freezes upon my face. I will never have children of my own and I am supposed to feel sorry for her? Her, who has everything and doesn't appreciate it. I despise Kate, her weakness and vulnerability disgust me. All she wants is pity. Awww poor Kate lost her baby. I know everything about it. I have read pages and pages about Jessica and poor, suffering Kate in her diary, pages of her drowning in self-pity and in alcohol. How could I ever give respect to somebody like her?

She doesn't deserve what she has got, she doesn't deserve John. I deserve John. I deserve to have children. I deserve a family. I deserve to be… loved.

My eyes glisten with wetness and a single bitter, hateful tear escapes my eye, it slowly rolls down my cheek, draws a wet line though my powdered skin, and finally falls onto my collarbone, I can feel it through my dress.

Kate looks at me. Leena, you stupid idiot. Although I know that she must misinterpret my tear I feel ashamed even angry about that little intimate, vulnerable glimpse I just showed her of my true self. I quickly pull myself together and dip back into character. I fake a quiet sniff and then I reluctantly tell her what she is so badly craving to hear. "She would have been lucky," I pause, "you're a great mommy." Kate suddenly throws her arms around my small form, her hands cup my face and she smacks a kiss on my cheek. "Thank you, honey, thank you." She pulls me into a hug and rests her massive head on my shoulder. My mask of sympathy falls, the muscles in my face relax, my eyes darken.


Alright, that was the eency weency story that I was talking about. I might have mixed up the phrases a bit, feel free to correct me. ;) I hope you liked it, although it's pretty short. Thank you for reading! :)

Diclaimer: Orphan does not belong to me.