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A/N: Thank you to my friend and beta (Jeanne) SparklingWand and my beautiful pre-reader (Jackie)TwiMoments I luv u girls to Death!
"When I dream, I dream of falling,
falling onto you.
When I dream, I dream of drowning,
longing for the shore, to breathe again.
Breathing the air which is your essence.
When I dream, I dream of burning,
Longing for the water to put out the flame.
When I dream, I dream of darkness.
The darkness devours me
Waiting for the light, for the candle, which you hold.
When I dream, I dream of rain pouring,
drenching me with its coldness,
feeling the blanket that you lay across me to give me warmth.
When I dream, I dream of you saving me from all my fears.
When I dream, I dream of a heaven
where you and I can lay underneath the sky,
and where you'll always be with me.
When I dream, I dream of forever
When I dream, I wish it lasted
When I dream, you never leave.
When I dream, my heart does not get deceived,
If only the dreams I dream would come true."
Chapter One (The Dream)
"Come closer baby," his smooth velvety voice whispered seductively, as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into him. His warm kisses leaving a trail of heat from my ear all the way down my neck. His hands wound tightly in my hair controlling my every movement. He knew exactly what I needed from him, as if we'd done this a million times before.
His lips moved eagerly down my neck, as he reached down to the cuff of my shirt pulling it from me in an instant.
"So beautiful," he whispers. I watch his fingers trace the curves of my body leaving nothing but fire in their wake. He reaches behind me with little effort removing my bra and throwing it to the floor with my shirt. Slowly his warm kisses move down my body until his lips make contact with my breasts. A soft whimper escapes my lips as he gently sucks one nipple in his mouth. His expert fingers make their way to the other breast as he rolls it between his fingertips feeling it harden with his firm touch.
Releasing me from his mouth he looks into my eyes, "I need you angel."
Could this really be happening? It felt like I had waited an eternity for this moment. Now here we were, after all this time, finally right where I had longed to be for so long. His hands and mouth gently caressing every inch of my body, causing emotions to stir in me that I didn't even know still existed.
It felt like a dream. I secretly wondered, Is this a dream?
"Bella!" I suddenly heard someone screaming my name. The voice sounded vaguely familiar to me, but I simply ignored it.
"Bella! Wake up! You're going to be late."
I didn't want to listen. I wanted to stay right there, wrapped in the arms of the only man I had ever really loved.
"Bella, come on. Get up!" Thanks to Jacob's pleas, I was ripped from my moment of utter bliss.
Opening my eyes and staring into Jacob's angry face, I suddenly realized it really had been just a dream, a wonderful dream, about a boy from my past. Edward Cullen.
It was the same dream I awoke from every morning. He had been my entire world, had meant everything to me and even though many years and miles had separated us, clearly he still does. He was still the man I always dreamed of, not my husband.
Jacob, to me, was my safety net. He and I met in college, he was really the first friend I had allowed myself to get close to after I arrived at the University of Washington, where I was studying on a full scholarship. Over time our friendship grew, and turned into something more, for Jacob at least.
For myself, I knew in my heart that I would never love again. At least, not the way I loved Edward.
Jacob was safe, and he loved me despite my flaws. While I knew I would never be able to give him my whole heart, allowing him to reside in a small place of it was enough.
So on that May evening, when he asked me for my hand in marriage, I made the hasty decision to say 'yes.' I knew then it was the wrong decision, but I was afraid of being alone. Jacob was the only thing in my life that offered me the assurance that I would never have to be again.
My marriage to him was spur of the moment to say the least. Now here I was, twenty-nine years old, waking up to reality. A reality that was, at best, a bleak shell of an existence. I realized more and more everyday how unhappy I really was.
How did I get here? In a one-sided marriage, so far away from that boy I loved?
Where was he now, does he think of me the way I think of him? Does he even remember me? Does he have a happy life? These were all questions I asked myself and as terrible as it sounds, I wished he didn't. I hoped that somehow life had found him as miserable as I was that he to felt as though there was a piece of himself missing as much as I did.
It was hard not to remember the first day of my sophomore year at Forks High School. Even though it seemed so long ago now, It was after all the day that would shape my entire future...the very day that Edward Cullen made his entrance into my life.
I was standing in the school parking lot, talking to Jessica about her summer long trip to Florida. I pretended to give a shit about the joys of her summer vacation while I had been stuck in Forks working my stupid fucking part-time job at the diner in town.
My dad, the great Forks Chief of Police had a secret, he was a gambler. He was so addicted to the thrill of the bet that he nearly lost everything we had.
Though things were always a little strained between my dad and I, it was hard to blame him for having ended up this way, considering my mother walked out and left him to raise me all on his own. He worshipped the ground she walked and everything about him changed the day she left.
But thanks to his gambling addiction, it took both mine and Charlie's salaries to make ends meet. Without my extra income, we would surely be living on the streets by now. I guess I should feel lucky that he was still able to hold down his job, it couldn't be easy being a drunk and the chief of police. Being a cop, he had sort of an extended family and they were always watching out for him, they knew Charlie hadn't always been like this.
I looked over Jessica's shoulder, still pretending to be interested in her endless chatter, when my eyes fell upon Edward for the first time. His car was hard not to notice as it pulled into a spot not far from where Jessica and I were standing. It stood out like a sore thumb, shiny, black and clearly expensive, it just wasn't the normal beater most of the kids here at Forks high drove. When the car came to a stop and he stepped out for the first time, my heart literally skipped a beat with the sight of him.
It was obvious that just like his car, Edward Cullen was not your normal Forks boy. He was very tall with a slender, but muscular build. His beautiful bronze hair was sticking out ever which way in perfect disarray, as though he had just rolled out of bed. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him from the moment he stepped out of his car he had me under his spell.
Shutting his car door, he brought his long slender fingers up sliding them back through his thick hair, it was clear that this was something he did often from the looks of his hair and who could blame him because watching this simple act had me wishing that I too could run my fingers through this beautiful boys hair over and over again. In fact it was something I'm sure I would find my self fantasizing about for quite some time.
I turned back towards Jessica and asked if she knew who the new boy was, as I pointed in his direction.
She half-heartedly looked where I was pointing and said, "Oh. Haven't you heard?"
I shrugged, "If I had heard, I wouldn't be asking."
Jessica rolled her eyes as she continued, "That's Edward Cullen. Rumor has it that he and his family moved here over the summer from Chicago. His father is Dr. Carlisle Cullen, and he'll be taking over as Chief of Surgery at Forks General."
"The beautiful blond boy with him is his brother, Jasper. They have an older brother, too, named Emmett."
Just as she said that I turned to see the other boy climbing out of the car as well. He seemed different then Edward, he didn't carry the same air of confidence his brother had about him. "Where's the third boy? I only see two."
Jessica huffed, seeming annoyed that the conversation was no longer about her and her stupid vacation. "Apparently from what I hear, he moved to Boston to attend Harvard University, while the rest of the family came here. He wants to be a doctor, just like his father."
Noticing Edward glance in our direction. I quickly turned my head and peeked at him from the corner of my eye. He smiled, no doubt noticing my lame attempt at being subtle. He reached up and slid his black Ray Ban sunglasses halfway down his face, revealing the most vibrant green eyes, I have ever seen, looking right at me. At that moment the corner of his mouth raised up in a cocky, crooked that nearly took my breath away.
I couldn't look away. I was mesmerized by him and those captivating green eyes of his. My breathing became erratic, my heart was racing and I knew he could surely see the effect he was having on me. I watched his brother walk to his side as Edward pointed in our direction. Jasper mumbled something to him I couldn't quite make out, causing them both to chuckle. Jasper glanced at me shaking his head and I knew my cheeks had to be a brilliant shade of red by now. This was insane, no one had ever had this kind of effect on me and he hadn't even spoken one word yet.
Edward flashed that sexy crooked grin of his at me one last time, as he and his brother turned and walked away in the opposite direction, never giving me another glance. They headed straight for the main office of the school. I assumed they were going to pick up their class schedules with this being their first day.
After watching the two of them disappear from sight, I looked back at Jessica to see her glaring at me, "What?" I questioned with a smirk on my face.
"I wouldn't go there if I were you Bella, from what I hear the Cullen boys are nothing but trouble."
"Pffft...you can't believe everything you here Jess, that's why it's called GOSSIP." I growled, rolled my eyes, turned and walked away.
I knew Jessica Stanley like the back of my hand, there was only one reason she would tell me to stay away from Edward Cullen. She wanted him for herself... not this time Jess, I thought to myself as I made my way to my first class of the day.
My first few periods went by at an excruciatingly slow pace. With the start of each class, I would glance towards the door, hoping to see the boy with the captivating green eyes walk in. As the day progressed into lunch time, however, I hadn't had a single class with him or Jasper.
I met up with Jessica and Alice just outside the cafeteria. Alice had been my best friend and next door neighbor for as long as I could remember. She was the only one who brought light into this dismal town we lived in, at least for me.
Alice was my polar opposite. I was quiet and shy, nothing more than an ordinary, unpopular girl. There was nothing special to speak of when it came to me. Alice, on the other hand, was one of the most popular girls in school. She had a presence about her that everyone seemed to be drawn to. I had never seen her unhappy, not once since I had first met her in third grade. Come to think of it, I had never even seen her shed a tear. She always managed to find the good in everything and everyone.
That was why I often questioned why she enjoyed spending her time with me. I felt as though I was always the downer in our friendship. She was constantly trying to cheer me up. Not a weekend went by that she didn't try to drag me to the mall or to some crazy party, but I always refused. It just wasn't me. I never really understood why she exerted so much energy in trying to save me from myself.
Alice, Jessica, and I took our seats at our normal table in the cafeteria, the table we had claimed as ours since freshman year. I happened to glance up and notice the Cullen boys were seated directly across from us on the other side of the cafeteria. I watched as Edward stood and glanced in the direction of our table.
He suddenly turned and started towards me. My breath hitched when it appeared he may actually speak to me. Once again, however, that cocky grin spread across his face, as he looked right at me, chuckled, grabbed his cell phone from his pocket, quickly began dialing, turned and walked right out of the cafeteria.
Remembered to breathe again, I found myself slightly irritated at his smug attitude. Unfortunately, Edward didn't re-appear the rest of the lunch hour. To say I was disappointed would have been the understatement of the year. Finally, the bell rang, signaling that lunchtime was over, and it was time to head to my fifth period Biology class.
When I arrived a few minutes early, I was surprised to see Edward sitting at a table, which had the only empty seat in the entire classroom, with his head tilted downward. He didn't look up when I scooted the chair out to sit down beside him. It seemed as though he barely noticed me at all.
His cocky grin had all but disappeared, and to be honest, he looked quite angry or was it sad it was really hard to tell. I took a moment to ponder what could have happened during lunch that had changed his mood so drastically. He didn't speak to me at all, and when he did finally look up, it appeared that his mind was somewhere else altogether. Those beautiful eyes of his were filled with such sadness that my heart screamed to take it away.
I noticed as he glanced at me that his brilliant green orbs were now dulled, glazed and bloodshot. I knew all too well what that meant. He had spent his lunch getting high. Since it was now clear to me what Edward's lunchtime activities had entailed, my next goal was to find out why? Was getting high his normal reaction to numbing his pain? If so, then I suddenly realized Edward and I had at least one thing in common.
I inhaled deeply. Sitting this close to him, I realized how incredible his aroma was. Although I did pick up the distinct odor of weed, it was mixed with a combination of mint and expensive cologne.
Nervously, I looked towards him, and worked up the courage to speak. "Hi," I said. "My name is Bella, Bella Swan."
He just stared at me for a moment with a blank expression across his face, and without uttering a single word, turned his head back towards the front of the class. The rest of the period was spent in silence while Mr. Birdie went on with his boring lecture on cell reproduction.
When the bell rang at the end of class, I stood and grabbed my backpack trying to exit the room as quickly as possible. I felt humiliated by his silence, and needed to get out of there before the tears that threatened to fall could embarrass me any further. I started to wonder if Jess had been right after all, maybe Edward was nothing but trouble for me and God knows I have enough trouble in my life already.
Just as I was about to make my way out of the door, I felt a jolt of electricity go through me, as a hand grabbed my shoulder and brought me to a standstill. I turned and saw Edward standing there, looking apprehensive, not at all like the strong, cocky boy from earlier today. No, this boy seemed broken and weary, almost like he had the weight of the world upon his shoulders. I felt a sudden urge to reach out and touch him. My heart ached at the sight of this strong boy looking so broken and defeated. All I could think about was taking his pain away.
"I'm sorry," he choked out. "It's been a really shitty day. My name is Edward Cullen. It's nice to meet you Bella Swan." One side of his mouth lifted up in that crooked grin I'd seen in the parking lot this morning and then just like that it was gone again.
With that he turned and walked out of class. I didn't see Edward again for the rest of the day. One thing was for certain, I knew I had to see him again. Clearly there was much to be learned about this beautiful boy, and I knew at that moment as strange as it sounds that I wanted to be the one he spilled his secrets to and nothing would stop me from getting what I wanted.
"Come on, Bella," Jacob whined. "I have to drive you to work this morning. Remember, your car is in the shop, so get up and get ready, or we're both going to be late!"
Yes, reality was a bitch, and I couldn't help but feel like so much time had been wasted. I feel like my life is just passing me by. It's as if I'm watching a movie in fast forward, screaming for someone to hit reverse.
"Alright, Jacob," I grumbled. "I'm up. Give me ten minutes to take a shower and get dressed." I growled.
I stepped into the water's hot flow, and wondered if I would ever find it again, that missing piece of my life, of my soul. Was that beautiful boy who made me love him and then broke my heart into a thousand pieces still out there waiting for me to find him?
Where my heart had once been, whole, happy and filled with the hope of a future, now was just a shell. An empty shell of a memory, and that memory was what held me back every day of my life. Has he changed at all over the years that have separated us? Does he dream of me, as I do of him?
My anger over the pain he had caused me, had somewhat dissipated over the years we've been apart. I hate to admit there was that part of me that wished he still longed for me the way I did for him, but there was that other part of me that prayed he had somehow found the happiness that had eluded me. I hoped he had finally found peace within himself to heal his troubled past. Despite it all, he deserved that and infinitely more.