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A/N: Thank you again to my great friend, and Beta (Jeanne)SparklingWand! And to (Jackie)TwiMoments and (Eve)Mamaeve and (Melissa)melarimo for pre-reading for me. I luv u all dearly!
Ok let's get to it, here is the world through my Edward's eyes...
'A Broken Heart'
How do I mend a broken heart?
My entire world has fallen do I find hope in a brand new day,
when the one I love has gone away?
My mind overflows with memories of you,
of all that we've shared, all that we knew.
I long for your touch and your warm embrace,
the look in your eyes, the smile on your face.
My dreams are filled with your soft gentle kiss,
I wake and cry it for all.
How do I mend a broken heart,
when my one true love and I are apart?
My heart knows to love only you,
it won't let go, what do I do?
Our moments together were precious and few,
but I cherished them all more than you knew.
I love you my angel and always will,
I loved you then and I love you
by : Jenna
Chapter Five (Broken Heart)
I cringed as I lay my hand on my phone, willing myself to call my brother. I found myself sitting in my office, debating on how much information I wanted to divulge to Jasper about the trip I was planning.
This trip was an escape for me, one I needed desperately. Alice's illness was not only taking its toll on her, but me as well.
I felt incredibly guilty for that, as I should. After all, she was the sick one, and I was supposed to be the strong one, standing by her side in her time of need.
Lately though, being the dutiful husband and caregiver had become so overwhelming, so debilitating, that I could barely breathe. I loved Alice, I really did, but never the way a husband is supposed to love his wife, which made me pretty fucking pathetic.
To make me an even bigger ass was the fact that while my wife was dying of cancer, all I could think about was where my heart really was. It was so far away with that beautiful angel who had walked out of my life all those years ago.
I missed her more than words could ever say. She was a constant thought in the back of my mind. Every now and then I would pull her to the forefront and relish the memories of my sweet angel. I would lavish in the thoughts of her sweet kisses and soft touches, pieces of her I would never have back. Losing her was just another example of everything I had fucked up in my life up until this point.
I wondered where she was, how she was, and if she had ever been able to recover from the heartbreak I had caused her so long ago.
It was pretty fucking self-centered of me, to honestly think that she hadn't moved on and gotten over me. As if I could have caused that great of an impact on her life. I knew better than to think that I could make her incapable of creating and living a happy life with someone else. I'm nothing, and she proved how much of a nothing I am when she walked out on me that day.
The thought of that alone, however, nearly brought me to my knees on a daily basis. My Bella, my girl, in someone else's arms, was not a picture that I could fathom. I could feel the bile rise in my throat as I considered another man touching her in the way that I could only dream of.
Her milky white skin turning pink as my fingers pressed into it, the way her nipples would pebble as my teeth grazed across them, the sound of her moan when she got excited, these were all things that were just dreams to me now. There was a lucky bastard out there who gets to relish these things about her on a daily basis, and I wanted to kill the mother fucker.
I inhaled deeply, trying to regain my control. So before I lose my mind continuing to picture Bella in someone else's arms, I call Jasper.
Let's get this over with.
I was startled when he picked up on the first ring.
"Hey, bro, what's up?" he answered.
"Jasper, I need to talk to you. Can you come to my office?" I asked with some hesitation.
"What's wrong? Is Alice ok?" he asked, sounding very worried.
"She's fine, bro, really. I just need to talk to you about a trip I'm planning."
"A trip?" he patronized.
"Yes," I replied, sounding annoyed now. "Can you come to my office or not?" I demanded.
"Yeah, Jesus, man, calm the fuck down. I'll be there in a few minutes. I have to check in on a patient first."
"Alright, I'll see you in a few then. Please hurry, I don't have much time before my flight."
"Alright, alright, I'll be right up."
"Thanks," was all I said, abruptly hanging up the phone.
As soon as I set the phone down, a thought occurred to me. My brother was very quick to show his concern for Alice… thinking I had called him because something was wrong with her. I was really beginning to realize the depth of his emotions for her through these brief interactions with him.
It started the day Alice and I decided to go to the justice of the peace and tie the knot. We didn't bother to tell anyone until afterwards. When I called Jasper to tell him, he was pissed to say the least.
I had thought at the time that it was because we hadn't invited him, but when I realized the rest of my family didn't have the same reaction he did, it slowly started to dawn on me that maybe there was more to it than what I had originally thought.
Jasper was in love with Alice, and although I am quite sure Alice always had feelings for him as well, she never brought them up either.
Great, why hadn't this all been clear to me from the beginning?
Well, I guess I can just add that to my list of major fuck ups too.
I had never confronted either of them to find out if this were true or not, but sometimes when we were all in a room together, it was apparent on their faces. The truly sad thing is, while most husbands would be jealous of their brother's interactions with their wife, I wasn't. In the back of my mind, I often wondered what would happen if I simply bowed out. Would Jasper finally be man enough to tell my wife how he truly felt for her? Would Alice finally have happiness in her life?
Jasper had tried dating Alice in high school, and it was obvious to me then that he had major feelings for her, but because of the shit that had happened to us in the past, Jasper had completely shut out everyone emotionally but me.
He steered clear of any relationships where he might have to exhibit any form of passion, and still does to this day. His emotional disconnect had caused him great ridicule in high school. Most people assumed he was gay, but it was those who actually voiced their opinions that got me the most. Kids can be cruel, but adults can be downright evil. My poor brother must still endure the ridicule to this today, but I know the truth of why Jasper can't open up to anyone...and yes, that also falls on my shoulders.
Jasper felt guilty because he believed if he had only been there that terrible night in our home, instead of on his first real date with a girl, that he could have saved his little brother from making the choice I had made that nearly destroyed me.
That is why he couldn't give himself to any girl, especially Alice, in any emotional capacity beyond friendship, and for that, once again I had only myself to blame. Of course if I knew then what I know now, I would never have married Alice. Our wedding was a split second decision between two friends, a decision that I both cherish and regret.
Suddenly there was a knock on my office door, pulling me from my thoughts.
"Come in." My tall lanky brother stepped into my office. There was always such a grace about him that I envied. He carried himself charismatically, and everyone seemed drawn to him.
"Jasper, since when do you knock?" I joked.
"Since now," he retorted. "Alright, brother you've got me here. What's this about a trip?" he questioned, sitting down in the chair in front of my desk.
"Listen, Jasper, I'm going away for a couple of days, and I kind of need you to cover for me with Alice." I said hesitantly.
"What the fuck are you talking about, Edward?" he jumped from his seat screaming. My breath caught in my throat as my brother lunged for me, grabbing my by the collar and yanking me out of my chair, practically dragging me over my desk. "Why would I need to cover for your ass? Are you fucking around on Alice? So help me, Edward, if you hurt her, I will never forgive you."
"Jasper," I started. "Calm down. Don't be ridiculous! Of course I'm not cheating on Alice. Sit the fuck down and lower your voice."
Jasper looked at me confused for a moment, released me from his death grip, and plopped back down in his chair. I quickly gathered myself and sat back down as well.
"Why in the hell do I need to cover for you then?" he scoffed.
I gripped my hair, pulling it by the roots as I replied, "Because I just need a few days to pull myself together. I feel like I'm losing my mind." I exhaled and looked my brother in the eye. "My wife is dying and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm a doctor. It's my job to save lives, and the one life that means the most to us, I am helpless to save."
Jasper just looked at me, wearing the same confused expression. I could see the wheels spinning in his head. He loved me, this I knew, but he also knew that I too was emotionally handicapped and sometimes followed the wrong path when it came to women.
After all, he knew exactly what I had done to Bella. He was aware of how much I had hurt her, and how it nearly shattered me when I lost her. It was clear on his face that he didn't trust why I suddenly wanted to skip town for a few days.
We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I watched Jasper struggle to breathe and knew a war was raging inside him. "Jazz, I understand your concerns, I really do. But have I done anything since Bella to make you believe that I would hurt Alice like that?" I asked furiously.
Sure, I played the field in college. Even though Alice and I were there together, we were only together as best friends at first, and let's face it, I wasn't in the best frame of mind then.
Sometimes I wonder how I even made it through medical school considering I was high ninety percent of the time.
It was never a problem for me to get the girls, though. No, they flocked to me like I was a movie star or something back then. I won't lie, in the first few years of college I took complete advantage of that.
When I finally realized that it was Alice who was always taking care of me after those long nights of partying, girl hopping and drug binging, it became clear to me that I needed to straighten my life out for her as well as for myself. I had lost so many people I loved in my fucking shitty life. I knew for certain that the only thing that got me through most of my life was my best friend, Alice, and if I didn't get my shit together I would lose her too. I wasn't willing to risk losing Alice, she was just too important to me.
When I set my mind to quit all that shit, for the most part, I did. Sure I had setbacks, but again Alice was always there to pick my ass right back up and tell me I was worth more than that. That's why, when it came down to it, I knew I had to have her by my side in any way I could.
That's what led to us getting married. Neither one of us could picture our lives without the other. She understood me better than anyone. She knew deep down that I would never stop loving Bella, but she accepted that about me and said yes when I asked her to be my wife. For that I will always love her.
That is what was so hard about all of this for me. Here Alice had been there to save me from myself more times than I could count, and this one fucking time that she needed me to save her, I couldn't even do it. I failed her.
As I felt the tears begin to form in my eyes, I decided that I had had enough of this conversation with Jasper; either he would cover for me or he wouldn't. Either way I was going, I had to. This was my way to prepare myself for the fact that the girl who had been my best friend all these years was soon going to be gone from my life for good. I simply didn't know how to live without her.
"Jasper, I'm going. Please just go along with what I tell Alice," I begged. "I'll only be gone for two days, just enough time to get my emotions in check, to prepare myself mentally for the fact that I am going to lose her. I need to do this so that I can come back here a stronger man, and be there for her the way she deserves."
"Alright, Edward," he conceded. "What reason are you going to give her that you're leaving?"
"I'm just going to tell her I have a medical conference to attend in Seattle for a few days."
"Fine," he said, "I'll lie for you, but know that I don't like doing that to Alice. She already has enough shit to deal with."
"Thank you, Jazz, I owe you, and I'm really sorry I'm asking you to do this."
"It's not that I don't understand why you need to do it, I just wish I didn't have to lie to her about it." He sighed and shook his head. I knew the battle was still raging inside him, but at least he had agreed to do this for me.
"I love you, you're my kid brother, and I would do anything to help you out, you should know that."
"I love you too, man," I began to tear up again.
"Just make sure you check in on her while I'm gone. If her condition changes in the slightest, call me, and I will come home right away."
"Alright, I will, of course I will. She's my sister-in-law, bro. I love her, and I am worried about her too."
I looked in his eyes and saw complete pain there. I knew without a doubt in that moment that Alice was so much more to him than just a sister-in-law, and my heart broke for him completely.
So, here is where I find myself now, lying on this bed in this hotel room, trying to decipher how everything in my life had gone so fucking wrong.
Maybe, just maybe, if I had not screwed up so badly that day with Bella, all of our lives would be different now. Jasper would have his Alice, and me, I would have my angel, my beautiful Bella.
You can't change the past though. If I could, I'd go back to the night when mine and Jasper's whole world changed forever.
I slid down my bedroom wall until I was sitting on the floor. I was in disbelief at the words that had just come from my adopted father's mouth.
Exactly ten minutes ago, he gently knocked on my door. I looked to my alarm clock on the bedside table, it was a quarter to five in the morning.
"Who is it?" I asked.
"Edward, can I please come in?" Carlisle's voice sounded haggard coming through the bedroom door.
What could possibly be so important that he would need to talk to me at this hour in the morning, I thought to myself.
"Just give me a minute, Carlisle," I said as I rolled out of bed, grabbed my jeans from the couch and slid them on.
As I opened the door, I saw the depth of the pain in his eyes.
At that moment a thousand things flashed before my eyes, a thousand things and not one of them was the reality of what he was about to tell me.
"Son, I'm afraid I have some bad news." He moved to sit on the edge of my bed and patted the spot next to him, silently urging me to sit.
I shook my head, indicating that I was fine right where I was.
Carlisle lowered his head and his shoulders dropped. I could feel the sadness rolling off of him. "I'm afraid that something happened to your mother last night."
"Something?" I asked, sounding confused. Carlisle gripped his hair and tugged. I recognized that reaction. It was the same one I always had when I was trying to control the emotional turmoil raging inside me.
My chest constricted at the sight of him. I knew something terrible was wrong, but still the stupid question came out, "Carlisle, what was it? Is she ok?"
"No," he whispered, as tears slid down his cheeks. She's not alright. Elizabeth committed suicide last night."
"What!" I stood there in disbelief. I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears and my heart pound in my chest. "No, that isn't possible!" I cried.
"I'm so sorry, son," he stood to move towards me.
I slowly backed away until my back was against the wall. I slid down to a sitting position on the floor, my arms curled around my knees. I couldn't speak.
I could see that there were words coming from Carlisle's mouth, but I heard nothing. Nothing, except my mother's voice the last day I ever saw her.
"I don't understand, Edward," my mother cried. "Why did you do this to me? I loved him, and you destroyed that for me," she said bitterly. You're my son. You're supposed to want me to be happy. How could you take my happiness away from me?"
I was thirteen years old the night I shot and killed my father. He was an abusive man. What am I saying? He wasn't a man; a monster is what he was.
It was no different than any other night in our home. My father, Edward Sr., came home from work angry as usual, and just like every other night he took his anger out on my mother, or sometimes Jasper and me.
But this night would not end the same as every other night. I don't know what happened, something in me just snapped.
I had watched and stood by for so long while my mother silently took his blows as though she deserved everything he gave her. I just couldn't let it happen anymore.
Tonight, it was because she hadn't had dinner on the table when he walked in the door.
"You worthless bitch!" he violently screamed at her.
I felt my blood start to boil, as I watched my father for the third time in a row that night, lift his arm in the air only to smash his hand against my mother's beautiful battered face. She seemed so lost, so helpless, and I was the sniveling child watching her struggle to protect herself from his insolence. His final blow knocked her off her feet, causing her to hit her head on the stove on the way down to the floor.
As my mother lay there on the kitchen floor, bleeding and begging for him to please stop hitting her, something just took over in me. I knew if he continued that night he would kill her.
So without hesitation, I reached in the cabinet above our refrigerator for my father's pistol that he kept hidden there. I'm sure he had no idea that I even knew it was there, but I did.
When I was finally able to grasp it in my shaky hand, I turned just as my father's foot was about to make contact with my mother's stomach.
I screamed out to him and his head turned in my direction. I felt empowered when I saw the horror in his eyes. For once in his life he would know what it felt like to fear for his life. Unfortunately, that horror didn't last long. When he looked at the gun that was now pointed directly at him by his youngest son, he stopped his attack on my mother and smiled an angry grin.
He moved away from my mother and towards me. As he did this, he taunted, "You'll never have the guts to pull that trigger, little boy." When he came within inches of me, I had yet to fire the gun, I was so terrified I would miss.
He chuckled as he waved his hand for the gun. "You're obviously no son of mine. My son would have the balls to shoot the fucker that was beating his mother. Look at you shaking. You're weak. You'll always be weak," he sneered.
The bastard looked at me at that moment and started to smile, and for the first time in my thirteen years of life, I smiled right back at him. As he raised his hand to take the gun from me, I backed away still smiling, and pulled that fucking trigger.
The bullet entered my father's head above his right eye. He went down with a loud thud.
I fell to the floor on my knees, and as I did, I dropped the gun. It slid across the floor until it came to a halt right beside my father's head, where a large pool of blood had began to form.
I looked towards my mother and saw the shock in her eyes. She scooted towards my father, picked up his head and cradled it in her lap, rocking back and forth screaming out loud.
I couldn't shed a tear for the man. I just sat there silently in shock on the floor, mere inches from where my father's body lay.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion from that point on. In the distance I heard the police sirens. I saw them as they entered the house and assessed the situation.
One of them walked over to me, gently pulling me from my sitting position and taking me outside to our front lawn.
I heard more sirens as the ambulance came to take my father's body from within the house, and I heard my mother's screams as they took him away.
Another officer walked over to me at that moment and pulled me to his police cruiser, sitting me in the back.
"What have you done, Edward? Oh my God, what have you done?" I heard her scream at me as the officer held her back from running towards the police car.
At that moment I felt sick, like I might actually throw up. I wrapped my arms around myself as I felt the first tears fall from my face that night, but not because of what I had done to my own father. It was because the woman who I'd loved more than anything in this world was looking at me with complete disgust in her eyes as she stood there on the front lawn, looking at me around the officer as he held her tightly in his arms.
I watched as the police officer shut the door, and walked away from the car and towards my mother. He pulled her slightly out of my line of vision and shortly after that, I saw my brother appear on the lawn, where the officer and my mother stood. Jasper was facing my mother as she spoke, holding his arms in the air, screaming at her, and pointing towards me in the car.
As I watched her finish talking to the officer and turn away from Jasper, he turned towards me in the car, and he looked at me with such regret in his eyes, I couldn't help but feel guilty for causing them both so much pain.
He slowly approached the police car, where I was now completely engulfed in tears. The weight of everything that happened that night was finally sinking in.
He reached up, looking at me and placing his hand on the window in front of my face. I saw his mouth form the words, "I'm so sorry, little brother," as he himself started to cry.
Suddenly, as the officer reappeared at the car, pulling my brother away, I became terrified at the thought of going to jail and never seeing him or my mother again.
The officer opened the driver's door, got in, and closed the door. When he started the car, I saw my brother being placed in the back of another car in front of us.
I looked out the window of the cruiser towards my mother, and watched her one last time, scream out towards the car as it drove away from my home.
"Edward, I never want to see you again. You've destroyed our lives with what you've done here tonight. I loved him, he was your father. You've killed your own father!" She continued to scream until she disappeared from my view.
Those were the last words I ever heard my mother speak to me. She refused to see me or Jasper after that night, and signed our care over to the state.
We were placed into a foster home, and shortly after that, Carlisle and Esme found us, two broken boys, and decided that they would take us home and try to save us both.
Little did they know at the time how much effort that it would really take, but eventually, with their love and commitment to give us both a better life, we slowly began to acclimate to our new home.
I never gave up hope though, not for one minute, that one day my mother would forgive me for what I had done that night and come back for both Jasper and me.
"Edward," I heard Carlisle cry. "Please talk to me, son." he begged.
But I couldn't, because I now realized that my mother would never forgive me, and never come back for us. No, she went to her grave hating me.
How could I ever live with that knowledge? All of the effort that my adoptive family and my Bella had put into breaking down this self-hatred and loathing was pointless. Within a few short seconds my whole life crashed down around me. All the hate and sadness came back to me in a rush, until I couldn't think straight anymore.
I jumped to my feet as Carlisle also stood beside me. I grabbed my car keys from the dresser, and moved quickly out of my room and down the hall to the stairs.
As I started to descend the staircase, I briefly heard Carlisle call out my name again. I didn't take the time to respond, I was no longer thinking clearly. I just needed to get out of this house and I needed to do it now.
I slammed the front door shut, and ran to my car. Once inside, I sat there for a brief moment in a daze.
"Where was I going to go?" I asked myself. Not to Bella, I had never told her anything about my past and was in no state to do so now.
I could think of nothing more than making this fucking pain go away. I needed to be numb. Even though Bella and I had worked so hard these last few months on finally not using drugs as a means of escape anymore, I really didn't fucking care if I was about to upset her. I couldn't be bothered with her disappointment in me at that moment, because nothing mattered anymore.
I started the engine and backed out of the driveway. I headed straight for Tyler's house because I knew out of everyone in town, he would be the one to supply me with what I needed this morning.
It was still dark out as I sped through Forks breaking nearly every traffic law there was, to get to the other side of town, where Tyler lived.
At only 6:30 in the morning, he wouldn't be happy with me when I knocked on his door, and again I really didn't fucking care right now. I knew his parents were out of town for the weekend, so I wouldn't be bothering them, not that I gave a shit if I did. All I could think about was the numbness I so longed for right now.
I also knew that Tyler had a huge graduation party planned for tonight for almost all of Fork's High, so he would definitely be well stocked with my drug of choice.
I pulled into his driveway, and exited the car. Before I knew it, I was sitting in Tyler's living room.
"What's up? Are you alright?" he asked with a shrug.
"Frankly, Tyler, no, I'm really not fucking okay." I smarted off.
"Wow, man, okay. Chill the fuck out. I take it you need something to take the edge off?" he asked.
"Why else would I fucking be here at six in the morning?" I screamed.
"Okay...Okay, give me a second, I'll get something to help," he said, standing and walking down the hall towards his room.
"Tyler," I called to him.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Make sure it's the good stuff. You know, don't bring me any shit!"
He knew exactly what I was talking about, it wasn't the first time I'd been here for my drug of choice.
Back before Bella and I had become really serious, I often came here for blow. It was the only drug that truly took away everything you were feeling at that moment, leaving you feeling euphoric in its wake.
Blow, for me, was the fastest way to the oblivion that I sought at that moment.
He came back from his room minutes later, and mentioned something about how lucky I was that I had actually caught him with some of the good stuff in hand.
At least that's what I think he said, I really couldn't be sure. My entire focus was on the little packet he carried in his hand. He sat on the couch adjacent to me and spread some blow out on the table, divided it into two lines with a razor blade, and said to have at it.
As soon as I took my first line, I immediately began to feel the numbness take over. I really don't remember much after that, except that every time that numbness started to go away, I snorted more to bring it back. I didn't want to feel anymore, I just wanted to be free from all the pain and misery that had been there my entire life.
I knew that my family was probably looking for me, but I couldn't deal with that shit right now. I knew I would have to deal with them eventually, but for now all I wanted was to forget.
It felt like hours later when I awoke to the sound of music coming from down the hall. I was confused and at first couldn't even remember where I was, much less how I had gotten here.
I looked out the window, and the last thing I remembered was that the sun had come up. I noticed now that it was once again dark outside.
I had no idea how long I had been there, but the flow of memories started to slowly come back to me. My heart ached at the memory of Carlisle telling me about my mother, and all I could think about at that moment was getting high again.
I somehow made my way out of the room and down the hall. The house was full of people as Tyler's party looked to be in full swing.
I searched the room for Tyler and found him in the corner with some chick attached to him like a leech.
I made my way towards him, and as he caught site of me coming towards him, he pushed the girl to the side.
Just as I had hoped, he held that precious little baggie up to me and offered it without a word.
I moved back down the hall where I was bombarded by Jessica Stanley asking me if I was alright.
"You don't look so good, Edward," she murmured with fake concern. "Where's Bella, weren't the two of you supposed to come together?" she asked.
I didn't need any thoughts of Bella right now. I didn't have the energy right now for the guilt I would feel if she knew what I was doing here.
"I don't fucking know where Bella is! Now move the fuck out of my way." I growled.
"Did you two have a fight? Is that why you're alone?" she continued as if she hadn't heard me tell her to get the fuck out of my way.
I pushed her to the side, gave her the dirtiest look I could muster at the moment, and made my way back into the room I had exited only moments before.
I sat down at the desk positioned on the left side of the bed. I assumed this was Tyler's parent's room, but again I could really care less.
I spread two more lines out on the desk and quickly snorted them until my nose burned and the numbness started to return.
I sat there for a moment before I stood and stumbled towards the bed. The euphoric bliss of the blow had taken over my senses. I lay in the bed, feeling the numbness envelop me. I closed my eyes and let my body relax. What felt like only moments later, I heard the door to the room open and watched as Jessica peeked around the door.
"Hey, you" she said seductively, "I'm worried about you. Do you need someone to talk to?"
She walked into the room and closed the door behind her. I didn't say anything as she walked to the side of the bed I was laying on and sat down placing her hand on my chest.
"You ok? ?" she asked again, licking her lips.
Jessica had had a thing for me since my first day at Forks High, and although she claimed to be one of Bella's best friends, behind her back she couldn't be further from a friend.
She was always flirting, and doing things to try and capture my attention.
And here, right now, tonight, for the first time, I didn't push her away. I was still completely out of it from the blow I had been snorting on and off all day, and thinking clearly was not my strong suit right now.
I reached to my chest and grabbed her hand, and yanked her towards me, smashing my lips to hers.
I didn't care at that moment whom I might be hurting, I just needed to feel good again.
As she practically fell on top of me, I pulled my mouth away from hers only to see she had a grin on her face but said nothing.
I took this as complete permission to have my way with her, and wasted no time moving my hands to unbutton her jeans and pull them off of her.
I threw them on the floor and then worked my hands back up her thighs to reach her panties pulling them off as well.
She was now completely straddling me, moving against my hard cock with her naked pussy and even through my jeans, it felt damn good, causing a small moan to escape my lips.
There was nothing romantic about this moment for me. I knew in the back of my mind that this would kill Bella if she ever found out what I was doing here with Jessica, but even that thought couldn't stop me from destroying everything that meant anything to me tonight.
Jessica grabbed the cuff of my t-shirt and pulled it over my head, moving her mouth to my ear sucking and nibbling her way down my neck.
I grabbed her ass with both my hands and pushed her against me hard, this time causing us both to moan in pleasure.
Her mouth continued to suck and lick its way down my stomach past my belly button until she reached the edge of my jeans; before I knew it, she had them unbuttoned and was pulling them off of me.
How could I let this happen, I thought to myself. It was wrong on so many levels, but I couldn't bring myself to stop it.
I raised myself up to help her with removing my pants. I wouldn't allow myself to think of anything at this moment, except being inside of her.
She reached inside my boxer briefs and pulled my hard dick out. She smiled when I didn't push her off me. She placed both hands around my shaft, as she flicked her tongue across the head. I moaned loudly as she started pumping my cock. I reached up and grabbed her hair, pushing her head down hard, thrusting myself into her mouth.
God damn, it felt so good and so wrong all at the same time. She relaxed as I pushed her head in a steady rhythm, skull fucking her. I could feel the head of my dick hit the back of her throat but had no mercy on her. She continued to pump my cock with her mouth and hands. She was no virgin, she knew exactly how to work her mouth on my dick, and what part of her mouth couldn't cover my dick, she worked with her hands until I nearly came right there.
I quickly pulled her mouth off of me and roughly pulled her back on top of me, so that she was once again straddling me. By this time my boxers were also laying on the floor, and we were both completely naked.
She leaned over me placing her tit in my mouth, and I sucked and nibbled it until it became hard at my touch.
Then I pushed her backwards, placing my thumb on her clit moving it hard against her sweet spot. Her body began to tremble, and I knew that she was close, so I took my hands placed them on her hips and lifted her up so she was hovering over my dick.
She grabbed it, rubbing it along her pussy, gathering her wetness and then placed it at her entrance. Immediately, I thrust her hard down on me and we both cried out at the sensation of it.
Two thrusts deep inside of her, was all it took for her pussy to clamp hard around me, she began to scream that she was coming and told me not to stop, which I had no intentions of doing until I had got my pleasure out of this as well.
As I was on the verge of coming myself, I heard voices coming from outside the bedroom in the hall. I immediately recognized one of them as Tyler's, but couldn't quite make out the other.
At that moment I felt my climax take hold and began to fill Jessica fully with my hot liquid. "Fuck." I screamed as I came hard. It had suddenly occurred to me now that my drug haze was starting to wear off again that I had completely forgotten to use a condom.
Apparently Jessica saw the fear in my eyes and said "Don't worry, baby, I'm on the pill."
"First off, I'm not your baby," I said with a snarl, "and secondly, getting you pregnant isn't my only concern right now, Jessica. I just fucked everyone you've fucked, and frankly that scares the shit out of me."
I made no sound after that, in fact I silently started to cry. At that moment I was so filled with guilt and grief that I started to shake. She moved to get off me, now clearly fucking pissed at what I had just said. As I pulled myself out of her, the bedroom door flung open, and I heard Tyler say, without even looking, "He's right in here, Bella, don't worry."
Right behind Tyler, in walked Bella. My Bella, my angel, and the pain in her eyes at that moment was almost too much for me to bear.
Tyler reacted quickly and tried to push Bella from the room, she was having none of that. She shoved past him as I was trying to stand, still in my half drugged state.
She walked right over to me, looked me in the eyes, and then looked down at Jessica, who was now half dressed sitting on the bed.
It was clear to Bella at that moment what had just taken place in this room. The pain that crossed her face shattered my heart. She stepped back, shaking her head, covering her mouth, and began to cry uncontrollably.
"Bella," I started to say but she abruptly cut me off.
"No, Edward!" she screamed. "Don't you dare fucking tell me it's not what it looks like. Don't fucking patronize me like that. I don't want to hear what you have to say."
She took a deep breath and I could tell she was desperately trying not to be sick in front of me.
"I have been looking for you all day, worried sick. I called your house this morning and got a vague explanation from Jasper that you and Carlisle had had some kind of fight this morning. I was terrified that you might have gone and done something crazy," she exclaimed, as she flailed her hands between me and Jessica, "but I never imagined this."
Tears were now streaming down her face, and I reached out trying to comfort her. As I did this, she slapped my hands away, screaming "Don't Touch Me! You'll never touch me again, Edward."
Jessica had moved off of the bed at this point, dressed completely and left the room with Tyler in tow.
"Bella, please," I again began to say, "Baby, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly," I begged. I felt the hot tears streaming down my face, "Please believe me. I didn't know what I was doing."
"For so long, Edward, I have waited for you to touch me like that, for you to love me like that, and you always pushed me away. I've longed to feel you inside me, for you to make me yours completely, but wanted to give you the time and space you needed. I've fought with myself, trying to make my mind believe what my heart wanted it to. To believe that it wasn't that you didn't want me, you just wanted the timing to be perfect.
"After all this time I now realize it wasn't because you thought you weren't good enough for me. No, it was because you knew I wasn't good enough for you," she said, sounding frantic now.
"No!" I screamed. "That's not true! Do you honestly believe that Jessica Stanley means anything to me? That she could possibly mean more to me than you do?"
"That's supposed to make me feel better? That you're willing to fuck someone you don't care about, let alone love, but you refuse to make love to me? Explain the logic in that to me."
"I was high, Bella, I made a mistake, a really bad mistake. Please, you have to believe me when I say I love you, and you are the only thing that matters to me." I practically begged.
"Stop!" she shouted.
"I can't listen to this bullshit from you anymore!"
She turned towards the bedroom door to leave. I reached out once again, and tried to grab her to keep her from leaving. She shoved my hands away again and turned on her heel to face me.
Tears streamed down her face as she whispered, "I would have gone through anything for you, done anything for you, but this, this I can never forgive you for. You have destroyed everything we ever had together."
She looked up into my eyes at that moment and the pain in her face was excruciating to look at.
"Edward," she said as she walked out the door, "You've broken my heart into a million pieces tonight, and I never want to see you again!"
With that she was gone, slamming the door behind her.
I wanted to run after her, but I knew it would do no good. I had lost her, my girl. My life was gone from me now, and I would never get her back, not after this.
I fell back down on the bed placed my head in my hands and began to cry. I cried for Bella, I cried for my mother, all of it came crashing down on me with such a weight, it was hard to even breathe.
Tyler knocked on the door a few times asking if I was alright and apologizing through the door.
I just laid there for what seemed like hours, shedding tears for every mistake I had made in my short life.
I finally sobered up enough to sit up, and realized I had nothing without Bella. I couldn't go on without her. She had said it herself. She would never forgive me for this, I had broken her past the point of no return.
What could I do now?
I saw no light for me anymore, no point in going on with this painful existence in which, briefly because of Bella, I had been able to call a life.
I slowly stood and realized what I had to do. The only thing that could be done now. I grabbed the blow off the desk beside the bed, and opened the bedroom door and exited Tyler's house.
When I reached my car, I glanced back, and with tears in my eyes once again, took one last look back at the house where I had destroyed all hopes of a future with the girl I loved. With that I got in my car and drove off.
I found myself sweating and shaky, having laid here remembering the most traumatic points of my life so far. I glanced out the window and saw that it was now daylight. I had actually zoned out for twenty four hours straight, going over and over again everything in my head.
Everything that had happened in my life so far, all the bad things, had been at my own hand, and now God was repaying me for my sins by taking the one person I had left in my life that gave a shit about me.
I couldn't take the thoughts barraging me anymore. I reached for my bag on the chair beside the bed. I needed to sleep, so I grabbed two sleeping pills, and took them with the glass of water on the nightstand. I laid there staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to take me, hoping against hope that God would find it in his heart to forgive me for the sins I had committed throughout my life.
"Please!" I begged Him, "Give me the chance to right my wrongs, to find peace and to find happiness again. Please, let the people I love find their happiness too, with or without me."
I closed my eyes and let darkness of sleep overtake me.