A/N: I didn't like it, so I didn't read it. I was blindfolded while typing this.
Note the rating please. Strong language and mature themes.
The Aftermath of Seduction
It was pretty good, surveying the remnants of a ruined Konoha. The Hokage a comatose old crone, Danzou's secret forces and all the main goodie-goodie rebels crushed. Best of all, his own sensei finally seeing things his way. The Uchiha way.
"Kakashi," Sasuke lazily lounged against the broken tip of the Fourth's eyebrow. It was the only remaining recognizable feature of the five Hokages that used to adorn on the mountain face. "Where are all the babes?"
"Babes?" Kakashi was reading Encyclopedia Britannica. Volume: Letters S to X. He was done with reading the seditious works of the traitor Jiraiya. "You mean the women?
"Yes. I specifically spared them when I killed everyone else in Konoha. I kind of need them to re-start my clan." Sasuke smirked.
"Oh," Kakashi fixed one normal eye at him. "They won't be of any use to you in that case."
Sasuke quirked an eyebrow at his old teacher. "Explain."
Kakashi sighed. "Kunoichi get sent on seduction missions. They're usually quite diseased and unsightly by the time they're allowed to stop going on those missions. Konoha's used up its entire crop of kunoichi. We were waiting for the next batch of genin to grow old enough to handle the succeeding missions, actually. Then you killed all the children."
"They weren't of Uchiha descent," Sasuke was affronted. "I was culling the herd. Tell me, what happened to Sakura?"
"AIDS," Kakashi shrugged, "You don't expect a kunoichi to ask her target to use protection right when they're getting hot and heavy right? Syphilis too. Herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia and crabs. But she's a good enough medic to heal herself of those. AIDS though, no cure for that."
"I won't father a child with AIDS," Sasuke shuddered. "Ino?"
"Oh, unsuccessful seduction. Sadistic high level bad guy ninja. Nails torn out, acid poured down her face, lashed a hundred times with spiked whips. She's not very pretty right now." Kakashi rubbed his chin, "Although, she could henge for you if you liked..."
"I'd know. Sharingan." Sasuke was disgusted. What a turn off. He wasn't into BDSM, regardless of his outfit. "Hinata should be exempt from such missions, am I correct?"
"Well, there really aren't that many kunoichi you know. She got sent on one mission. Killed herself after." Kakashi shook his head, "Was saving herself for Naruto and all that."
Sasuke sighed. "Hanabi, then."
"Hiashi paid for a very expensive gender transplant for Hanabi after what happened to Hinata."
Kami, was he going to have to go to Suna for his child-bearer? "How about the older kunoichi then? Kurenai's always been hot."
"She found out she was having a daughter. She disappeared, officially missing nin now. Didn't want the kid to grow up having to go on seduction missions too."
"What is it with seduction missions?" Sasuke howled. "Genjutsu is far more efficient and effective, you can subject the victim to lifetimes of torment in a matter of seconds. That's the way to go if you want to extract information! If you want to manipulate a person, there are mind control jutsu as well! What is the point of seducing the targets physically?"
Kakashi shrugged, "Some situations call for it."
The Copy Nin retreated into his encyclopedia.
Sasuke tore at his hair for a while, racking his brain for other options.
"TENTEN!" he shouted at last. "That girl no one ever notices!"
"Gai got to her," Kakashi said mournfully, "Warned her early on about the missions. She quit."
"She quit being a kunoichi?" Sasuke's jaw dropped, "But she was the only one who was actually serious about it."
Kakashi shrugged. "She also started a club for civilians. The 'Don't ever become a kunoichi' club. 'Kunoichis suck. Literally.' Rather good slogan," he glanced at the Uchiha, who was pacing across the Hokage's forehead. "Konoha is pretty much Marlboro Country now, Sasuke. No women left."
With a smile that was more a grimace than a grin, Sasuke retorted, "You forget the married women. I don't care anymore. I'll take the wives of the Nara and Akamichi clans and the Inuzuka bitches."
Kakashi perked up, "Yes. You can try her. She never gets sent on any missions. Scares the targets. I hear that things with fangs and venom come out of -"
"Stop!" Sasuke covered his ears. He had only ever felt this traumatized when his brother had still been alive. "Is this why you never got married, Kakashi?"
His sensei hummed. "Sure. Ratio of guys to girls is too large to begin with, competition way too stiff. Of course most shinobi prefer a kunoichi over a civilian wife, who can help raise ninja children. Strange really, wasting them on seduction missions. Although-"
Sasuke looked up, "Although?"
Kakashi placed a hand on the young man's shoulder. "I've learned to cope," he said with affection, leaning closer to Sasuke until-
Karin and Suigetsu looked over at Sasuke, who had jolted up from his sleeping bag, looking horrid. "Bad dream?" Juugo asked kindly.
Sasuke's eyes burned.
"Karin," he said, "Were you ever given a seduction mission?"
The red head turned a scarlet to match her hair, "No way! The emotional and psychological trauma that risks would completely ruin my ability as a sensor. Orochimaru would never waste me on something that stupid."
"Not to mention you'd be terrible at it," Suigetsu chuckled.
As the two squabbled, Sasuke stared into the darkness, a new purpose forming in his heart. Yes, he would raze Konoha to the ground. He would become the ruler of the Leaf Village, and he would create a harem. Of capable, beautiful female ninjas who retained their virtue, dignity and self-respect. And they would never, ever have to go on seduction missions.
2nd A/N: Yeah, I know a dignified harem is an oxymoron. Unlike old-school Kakashi, I have access to wikipedia.
3rd A/N: And for those of you wondering where on earth this came from, consider this my thesis on why I will never write a 'Tenten gets sent on a seduction mission' fic.
All reactions and feedback are welcome. =) I sometimes reply with gently-worded rebuttal statements, but I respect everyone's opinion on the matter.