A/N: Yes. More Buffy. I love this quote just because its so dramatic which means its so Chair. There was no stopping me. I am really a fan of the ending, so I hope you like it.
Summary: I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard. And that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me.
Disclaimer: Quote belongs to Joss Whedon and his magnificence. And I just mold GG and BtVS together like they were meant to be.
Am I a thing worth saving? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone.
What about me? I love you so much. And I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it. I hate that it's so hard. And that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did because you did it to me. God, I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't.
When Chuck finally came back, he wasn't him anymore. He was Charles, or whoever he conceived to be. When she looked at him, it wasn't the person she knew. The person she loved. When Charles returned, she knew that she had killed Chuck Bass.
She thought she wouldn't love him anymore now that he wasn't there.
She was wrong.
It was a true testament to what he had become. Even a simplistic foreigner who was sweet and knew nothing about the monster that brewed beneath his surface couldn't stay. She saw the society that had borne him and the fast life with even faster evils and she couldn't stay.
It wasn't because she was manipulated or destroyed. It was because even she could tell that it wasn't him. He wasn't the identity he created for himself.
But even after she left, he couldn't let it go.
"How is she?"
He remembered the way it used to be.
I hope she has a good day.
It was laughable how whenever he was with her he was resorted to the innocent teenager that he never was. She made him in love. But he was different now. He didn't need her for redemption. This new person that he was could be good. He could save himself and he didn't have to hurt her anymore to do it.
Nathaniel Archibald looked up at him, his face, for the first time in his life, completely unreadable. He put down the paper that he was reading gently in their suite, studying this person who wore his best friend's face.
"Don't, man," Nate said seriously. "Just don't."
"Don't, what?" Chuck asked. He could pretend not to know anything in this body. He could pretend to be ignorant because no one knew this person. "I'm just inquiring to her—"
Nate's voice wasn't harsh, it was just steady.
"Do you want me to tell you how she's struggling without you?"
He had never really heard that sort of ire in Nate's voice before.
"Well, good," Nate said. "Because she's not."
"Is she dating anyone?"
"That is exactly what I don't want you to do," Nate said. "No one does."
"Friends ask how things are going in each other's lives," Chuck said, trying to hear how it sounded on his own tongue.
"Friends," Nate repeated. "Right. When was the last time the two of you friends even talked to each other?"
"I don't know," Chuck said pensively. "Actually, she hasn't really..."
"Do you know why?" Nate asked. Chuck looked at him. "Because she's guilty."
"I can't believe you really don't know," Nate shook his head. "Well, I'll tell you the truth. The one that everyone else seems to be afraid to say. The reason why whenever you show up she seems to be gone. Because you need to hear it. She hates this person that you've become. And she blames herself for it."
"She hates me?" Chuck asked in wonder.
"Yeah, Charles," Nate said, standing up from the table. "She really does."
"Aren't you going to ask how he is?"
Blair's answer was a short snap and Serena knew better than to push. She hated this rigid thing that her best friend had become, even if it made sense in a way. Blair would always mirror the way Chuck was.
Chuck was gone. Now so was she.
Blair looked dutifully upon her menu at brunch and Serena knew she should drop the subject. But she just couldn't.
"But you miss him, right?"
"Serena," Blair said, thrusting the menu back onto the table. "We aren't talking about this."
"But she's gone," Serena said. "Couldn't you just..."
"No, I can't just," Blair sneered. "Chuck Bass is dead. And I've mourned him. I have to move on."
"He's still the same person," Serena judged.
"He's not," Blair said. "He's a stranger. And it's my fault."
"He slept with Jenny, Blair," Serena said, disgust coloring her tone. "No one blames you for walking out."
"And look what happened," Blair said. "The last thing I ever said to him was not to say anything to me ever again. And then he went and got himself shot."
"He's still here, Blair," Serena said.
"Says who?" Blair asked. "He only looks the same. If he didn't, you would swear that person was not Chuck Bass. You know why I can't be around him. To see some other person wearing his face is just too painful."
"Okay," Serena said, starting to really want to end this conversation. "Okay."
"Good," Blair muttered beneath her breath.
"What if he wasn't?" Serena couldn't help but ask. "What if it was him?"
"If it was him..." Blair said with difficulty. "Then I would just be relieved that all he was left with was a cane."
End of conversation.
Like it was happening all over again. He remembered what it was like to be away from her. Like the last time he was away from her for three months. The longest that they had ever parted. She stepped off of the jitney with her pretty hair and her pretty eyes and her pretty mouth. She looked better than when she left and he was glad that he had a dozen yellow roses because he knew he did not deserve a beauty like that. He never had. Roses were the least he could do so that she would even come home with him.
And then she turned and planted a kiss on an even more undeserving mouth. Because Chuck had done things. Done things so horrible that he was undeserving of her. But he was the only one who knew her. He was the only one who was her match. They were the only ones for each other. That's why they belonged together. He had heard her say it herself.
Things had changed. He finally crossed the line. He did something too heinous and too disgusting that a life of boredom for her with a White Knight would have to be better than what he had to offer. Because he couldn't hurt her any longer. No matter how much he wanted to. He would lose himself in her if she let him close again and part of him didn't care. He didn't care how cruel he could get because he would have her. And she loved him.
That's why this had to be it. Because for the first time, he had gone too far.
Then he walked into the hotel that technically didn't belong to him anymore to see her in all her poise and perfection. And he loved her. She was the only woman he could ever and he would never stop.
She just didn't have to know that.
She sipped on her martini, crossing her legs as her skirt clung to her and he knew that she was his own personal demon woman sent from his own personal hell to destroy him and save him at the same time.
He couldn't be Chuck Bass anymore. He had to believe that he was this other person. He had to do it for her.
Her usual crowd of suitors having dispersed, she was alone at the bar, swirling her martini. He watched her fingers clutch the stem as she refused to look at him. If there was one thing that hadn't changed it was that he could always catch her off guard.
He knew that she was aware of his presence, but she just sat there like she was alone. The bartender was looking at him skeptically.
"Club Soda," he said. He was sure he heard a distinct snort from the seat next to him but she acted as apathetic as ever.
He knew he had to make the first move.
"What are you drinking..."
As though he didn't already know, but the old had mixed for her on many occasions.
She had turned, her eyes penetrating him coldly.
"I don't know whether in your epiphany you've realized this," she asserted, "but I'm pretty much done talking to you."
"Blair," he said, moving towards her. She rebuffed him coolly.
"We're not friends," she said. "Stop saying my name like that. Maybe after I get to know you I'll be able to tolerate you. But as far as I'm concerned, you're just a stranger."
"I'm still me," he said, pleadingly. Just the way he used to refuse to do.
"No, Charles," she said, rising from her stool. "You're really not. And walking around looking like that in those normal clothes ordering a seltzer is an affront to the man I used to know. So I'd really rather our already limited contact just stop."
It was hard. She always had to make things difficult. But in a way, this was what he wanted, wasn't it? Didn't he want her to go on living her life? Wasn't that the point of being a better person? That's all that ever mattered him. That was the only reason all of this was for.
He rose slowly from his stool, preparing to leave. Her eyes met him and he didn't understand the confusion there. For a moment. Then he got it. She was still used to the person who would fight for her. But he couldn't help it. Because she wasn't his anymore. He couldn't remember the last time she let herself be.
"Where are you going?"
He turned back, looking at her. It almost looked as though her feelings were hurt. But it was just a question. Nothing could mean anything more.
There was nothing that he could say to her that wouldn't sound like he could still be around her. Because he couldn't. She deserved better. For the first time since he got back, he did the rude thing and walked away from her.
That didn't mean she didn't see him go through the door labeled Roof Access.
It was cold up there. Like the last time they had been up there with each other. And a part of her couldn't help but think that she was doing the exact same thing. Saving him from something that was corrupting him. Something that she couldn't take.
"I knew it when I saw it," she informed him as they both looked over the ledge. "There still has to be some part of you up there. The part of you that has a thing for roof tops."
"Don't, Blair," Chuck told her. "You made it perfectly clear about your feelings about me."
"Not the real you," Blair answered. "The person I know that is still buried somewhere in there. You came up here. You can't be all gone. Because if you were, so would I."
"Stop it," he ordered her, finally turning. "Just... stop."
"You're there," she said bravely. "I know it."
"No," Chuck snapped. "Chuck Bass is gone. Doesn't that register at all with you?"
"You're talking like him now," Blair smiled. "Like the man I love."
"Don't you understand?" he asked. "You have to. To have to know why it took me so long to come back. It's you."
He watched her recoil and Chuck Bass or no Chuck Bass, he hated to have to do that to her.
"You bring him out of me," Chuck said. "He can feel you and you just make him want to come out. You make me want to be bad again. You make me want to want to be bad."
"I like you bad," she told him. "I love you bad. I'm the only one. And you're the only one who loves me bad too. So don't talk like you're two separate people. You're not. You may suppress all of the things that made me love you, but you're still Chuck Bass. You always will be. Otherwise you might as well be dead."
She didn't know what she was still doing up here. She didn't know why she was talking to this person that she didn't know like she knew him. But like it was always there, she knew. She knew that he had to be there. Because it was right. Because they were right. Because she was worthless without him making her better.
"So why don't I?"
It was a sentence that she feared. One that she couldn't take.
"Don't even-" she warned.
"Don't you understand?" he asked, facing her. His hand burned her to the bone as he gripped her. "Don't you understand what all of this was for? You. It was always for you. I came back like this because I couldn't hurt you any longer. But it's not working. I don't want this. I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. But that thing that you love. That person that loves you with its deranged and evil heart hurts you. I hurt you no matter how much I love you. No matter how much you want to save me. So what's the difference? I was dead to you anyway."
He remembered the last time she slapped him.
You went up there on your own.
It was just him trying to rationalize. Him really trying to pretend that nothing was wrong. It was her fault so she wouldn't dare leave him.
It took him a moment to realize that she was crying. Even in this fake visage, all he could do was hurt her.
"Stop talking like that," she said, tears running down her face. "Don't even think it. Do you know how much it scares me when I think of you on a roof like this? Do you know what it does to me to even think that you could be drinking up here? That you could be going over the edge? You want to change but you're still selfish. Because you don't know what it does to me."
"If it means hurting you once so that I'll never hurt you again, then I'll do it," he said.
"I would never recover."
"You'd forget about me," Chuck replied. "Just like everyone else."
"Shut up," she practically screamed. "Why can't you just think for a second? Why won't you just let me help you?"
"Do you even understand what I've done?" he asked. "What I could do? I had another girlfriend. But that wasn't the worst. You don't know the way I've treated women. You might not care that whenever I was with them, all I could think of was you. But I've made them cry. I've made them scream. And I could do it to you. I could tear at you, make you bleed. I could kill you. I have. How can you not remember? You stayed away and it was smart. Because all I do is kill you. I'm better of dead."
"Does what I want not matter to you?" Blair asked. "Have you ever considered about me? What do you think I've been trying to do?"
She was getting desperate. He was far too close to the ledge and she didn't trust him anymore. She didn't trust him not to leave her.
"I love you more than anything," she said. "More than this empty life and my empty self. What did you think I was doing? I tried to make you go away. I left you but I couldn't help it. You didn't kill me, Chuck. I killed you. I walked away and you could have died on that street. You could have died because of me and you come back with someone else. I know I deserved as much. But nothing you could have done could have been worse. Nothing."
"That wasn't what I was trying to-"
"Shut up," she snapped, not trying to hold back her tears anymore. "I thought making you go away would help, but it didn't. Even when I hadn't seen you for months at a time, you were still with me. And you disrespect your own memory by doing this. Being someone else."
"I was trying to make it easier."
"Well you made it harder," she said. "Because I couldn't just leave you behind like that. I couldn't live with the fact that you weren't really in there. That you really could have died and I wouldn't have known."
"It doesn't have to be this way."
"What other way could it be?" she asked. "Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think that I like watching you struggle? You're in so much pain and you won't let me in. I know that you would never. But I hate this. This whole thing. I hate how you can hurt me like that. You can hurt me by just standing here. I hate how it's so easy for you."
"You think this is easy?" Chuck demanded. "I hate being away from you. It hurts me like there's that bullet still forcing its way inside. I hate that I want you so badly but I have to be this good person."
"You don't," Blair said. "I don't like this person. Who you were-"
"Hurt you too many times."
"I don't care," Blair said. "I can't care about it anymore. Of course I know what you're capable of. You think I don't understand but I do. Better than anyone. You think that she's the one that knows? I know better than anyone. I know better than anyone because all those horrible things you did, you did to me. So don't act like I don't know any better. I know better than anyone."
"Then you know," he said. "You know that the world is better off if I'm not in it."
"Don't you think I wish that I thought that?" Blair asked. "It would be so much easier. It would be so much easier to just wish that you weren't around. I wish that I actually wished you couldn't hurt me anymore. But I can't. If you haven't realized that after everything, then I don't know what to do."
He turned away from her and she exhaled in defeat.
"It still doesn't change it," she told him. "It still doesn't change the fact that this person is stranger to me. This person is sickening. And I won't look at him any longer."
He remembered. How her eyes had filled with tears. A roof in Brooklyn was not a place for love proclamations and still he asked her. He needed it. And she walked away after he made her cry.
Like she was doing now.
Time was meaningless. But he still found himself at the bar downstairs, wondering how long he had been there. The bartender finally noticed him.
Chuck Bass raised his eyes to him, feel a wave of something he hadn't felt in a long time.
"Scotch," he said. "Neat."
The bartender almost did a double take, looking at him. Chuck could tell he was holding back poorly restrained laughter.
"Or an Old Fashioned if you've got it."
"Look, kid," he said. "You're better off sticking with the seltzer."
"You served her," Chuck pointed out, not able to even say her name.
"Yeah," he said.
"She's beautiful," Chuck nodded. It got you a lot in this town.
"Well she is," the bartender said, smiling at the mere thought of her. "But she's also a Waldorf."
"You don't know who I am," Chuck realized, almost laughing at the idea. "Yeah, that's going to stop."
"Oh, yeah?" the bartender asked. "And who are you?"
"I'm Chuck Bass."
It wasn't that she wanted to be there. Quite the contrary, she might vomit if she came across... him. But Nate wasn't picking up and he didn't spend time in the dorms since his relationship had combusted so here she was.
At The Suite.
Poor planning and she was planning to destroy Nate for it.
He opened the door.
"Blair," Nate said in surprise. "You're here."
"Is your cell off or something?" Blair asked, holding up his books that she was returning.
"Uh, yeah, I guess," Nate said distractedly, looking behind him.
"Do you have a girl in there?" Blair asked, surprised that it was so soon.
"Do you have a guy in there?" Blair asked with humor. Nate didn't laugh and now she was interested. "Is it..."
They both knew who.
"Can you come by later?" Nate asked. "I'm sort of..."
"I've seen him before," Blair reminded him.
"Not like..." Nate said. "Actually, it's better if you don't come back at all. I'll call you."
"What is it?" Blair asked. It wasn't curiosity anymore. It was necessity. She had to know.
"Nothing," Nate said unconvincingly.
"Nathaniel," she stressed. She heard movement in the suite and she knew that she had been heard by "whoever" was in that room. She pressed by Nate who followed.
"Listen, Blair," Nate said, holding her back for a moment. "It's not like that. He's just...been looking for you. Everyone thought it best if he didn't find you."
"What are you talking about?"
Her body locked up instinctively and she knew it. She just knew. She wasn't sure if it was because she could just smell the alcohol but she turned and there was was.
Chuck Bass raised his highball to his lips, knocking it back. She could feel his eyes all over her as she looked at him in his smoking jacket.
It was purple.
"You look good."
Blair of course was dressed to the nines as usual but due to the warm weather it wasn't as much as she should be. And she hadn't really been thinking about what she was wearing around him anymore. When he was Charles.
Things had changed.
"I haven't seen you around."
"Have you been looking?" Blair asked darkly.
"I would have thought Nathaniel would have alerted you to my desires," he said.
"Desires," she repeated. He was smirking and he looked at his best friend. "I suppose he just did."
"Well that's good," Chuck acknowledged.
He wasn't looking at Nate anymore.
"You look..." Blair said. "Well."
"I feel well," he said. "Now that you're here. And I can tell you what I wanted to say."
"You had something to tell me?" Blair asked, shooting Nate a pointed look.
"Chuck," Nate cleared his throat. "Maybe it would be better if..."
"This will only take a second," Chuck waved Nate away. His jacket was slightly open in a way that wasn't proper. He noticed that she was looking and he looked at her back. "I just wanted to make sure that you were aware of something."
"Alright..." Blair said.
"Chuck," Nate warned.
"Nathaniel," Chuck said, now mildly annoyed despite his buzz. "Shut up."
"Blair," Nate tried to beseech her, "I'm sure we can catch up at school-"
"Waldorf," Chuck said. "I should be very esteemed to find that you'll be changing your name to Bass very shortly."
"What?" Blair sputtered in surprise and even a little annoyance at his presumptions.
"If you're trolling around the neighborhood for a husband," he smirked, "you know where I'll be."
Blair was still speechless and Nate had just collapsed on the couch in defeat. Blair was still staring at him when he approached her with his predatory slink.
He pulled her to him and pressed a hot kiss to her mouth. His tongue tasted like whiskey. He pulled away. He was still smirking at her. And Blair realized that Nate was still in the room.
"Okay," Blair said, too stunned to say anything else.
"Good," Chuck said, pleased. Blair backed away from him, her head feeling suddenly very hazy. Chuck went and poured himself a celebratory drink.
"Dude," Nate said, obviously giving up on getting in the way of Chuck's determination. "It's like 9 in the morning."
Chuck shrugged, unabashed as Blair reached for the door.
"Nate," she said. "I'll... see you at school. I have to go lie down for a day."
Chuck was gazing at her appreciatively but she knew that look.
"Blair," he said gently so she turned to look at him. "Love you."