Warning: If you are a serious fan of Twilight this "hate-fic" might be a bit offensive. If you're not one of those people, and can take a joke, as well as a bit of graphic violence, read on! Also, as to the flamethrower, I know it's random, but please don't start asking me why James has one on him. It's a joke fanfic, so things aren't supposed to make complete sense in it!

Disclaimer: The contents of this fanfic including characters, settings and the opening text belong to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. The story was written solely out of inspiration from the writer, as well as the fanfic author's own frustrations to how overrated she finds the series.


I turned slowly. He was standing very still by the back exit, so still I hadn't noticed him at first. In his hand was a remote control. We stared at each other for a long moment, and then he smiled.

He walked toward me, quite close, and then passed me to put the remote down next to the VCR. I turned carefully to watch him.

"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?" His voice was courteous, kind.

And suddenly it hit me. My mother was safe. She was still in Florida. She'd never gotten my message. She'd never been terrified by the dark red eyes in the abnormally pale face before me. She was safe.

"Yes," I answered, my voice saturated with relief.

"You don't sound angry that I tricked you."

"I'm not," I said coolly. "On the contrary, I'm quite impressed."

James's dark eyes assessed me with interest. Clearly he was not expecting me to respond to his question in this manner. "Care to elaborate?" he asked after a moment's pause.

"Well," I said slowly, "All the hard work you had to do, to find where I lived, where I was hiding, where my ballet studio was, and even where my home videos were - you have to admit that you went through a lot of hard work just to get me here. One would almost call your work behind this plan quite ingenious."

A genuine smile appeared on James's face. "Well at least someone around here appreciates what I do," he said, dropping his polite fa├žade for a moment. "Not like Victoria...always nagging me and suggesting how I should be leading the pack. Sometimes I question who the one in charge here is!"

I shook my head sadly. "Clearly Victoria doesn't understand how special you really are then. After all, you do have unparallel senses and abilities unlike any vampire in this world. If I were you, I would start telling Victoria who the boss is around here."

"You know Bella, I think I'm starting to like you," James said. He paced the floor and continued. "But it's not enough to spare your life I'm afraid."

"Well of course you're going to kill me," I replied calmly. "You're a vampire, you wouldn't be doing your job if you didn't."

James looked utterly speechless now. "So you're okay with the fact that I drink human blood? You're not afraid of me?" he asked, and this time there was no acting in his voice. His confusion was genuine.

"No," I replied. "I'm just being realistic. And Edward is probably going to save me pretty soon anyway."

"Don't be so sure about that," James said gruffly. He paced the ground once more, looking frustrated and at the same time amazed. He probably couldn't understand why I wasn't afraid of him.

Then without warning he suddenly ran right up to me, pinning me up against one of the mirrored walls of the studio. I heard something crack from behind me, and let out a silent gasp as the air escaped from my chest.

"Are you scared of me now?" he asked in a low, harsh tone.

His voice raised the hairs on the back of my neck, but I answered, "No."

He leaned in even closer to me so I could now see all the contours on his pale, unflawed face.

"How about now?" he asked softly.

I felt butterflies growing in my stomach, but still, I said "No."

He leaned in even closer now so I could see right into the cores of his crimson eyes. My face was becoming very warm, and my heart rate was starting to pick up speed as I realized what he was thinking. "And now?" He asked.

"No." My voice was barely a whisper now. I really wanted to avert my gaze from him, but I just couldn't. He was a magnet, slowly pulling me into him. "I'm not afraid of you."


"Don't worry Bella," Edward shouted as he entered the lobby of the dance studio, his family at his heels. "I'm coming."

Following her scent, he thrust open the door, nearly breaking it off its hinges and dashed into the high-ceilinged room. From there, he could only imagine the horrifying state he would find Bella in. He was not expecting to see her and James passionately making out in a corner of the dance studio. He was so shocked by the sight that he found himself coming to an abrupt halt in the middle of the hall. Emmett and Jasper bumped into him, knocking all three of them to the ground.

"I don't understand," Edward said softly. "I thought...,"

"Well you thought wrong, didn't you Edward?" James said, as he broke his embrace with Bella. "You didn't think that Isabella would fall in love with the bad guy, did you?"

Edward scowled. "Bella," he said desperately. "What did James do to you?"

Bella looked at Edward sadly. "I'm sorry Edward, but I couldn't resist. He came on me so quickly and well..." she put her arm on James's shoulder to show her point.

Whatever worries Edward had had in his head just a moment ago were now gone. Instead he felt rage, rage beyond anything he had ever felt before. Bella was his! How dare James take her from him!

"James, you son of a -,"

But Edward didn't get to finish his sentence, for just at that moment James pulled a flamethrower out from his jacket. In just a matter of seconds Edward, Jasper and Emmett were burned to smithereens.

Bella looked was horrified. She couldn't believe that the man of her dreams had suddenly been transformed into a pile of ashes. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing protruded from her lips but silence. Instead she turned back to James, who was laughing and grinning at her haughtily.

"I'm sorry Isabella," he said. "But as delicate and alluring as you may be, you know that it would never truly work out between us. I have Victoria, and well, your blood is just too delicious to resist."

And without warning he took a bite out of Bella's neck. She didn't even have time to scream before he had ripped out her vocal chords.

Ten minutes later James walked out of the ballet studio licking the last of Bella's delicious blood from his lips. Taking one last look into the ballet room, he looked first at Bella's mutilated carcass; and then the pile of ashes on the floor that used to be Edward Cullen.

"Thanks again, Cullen" he said with a smirk.

He left, leaving the remnants of the two stupid lovers behind him.