A Fresh Start
Tag to 'Honor Roll'. Andy & Sam. Andy POV.
That first day at the 15, she had been up to a fresh start.
Her new dealt hand was a recipe for success, except for the unavoidable collateral damages coming from the job itself: the fear, the potential casualties, facing your own death. For a minute and a half, she thought she had it all. She was a police officer with a good life ahead of her, she had a chance for a clean start, she was offered a blank slate, all the usual clichés applied. She was happy for the first time in years. Really happy. She was even up to proving to Traci, her best friend Traci, that she wouldn't date the wrong guy, -again. At this point in her life, she couldn't imagine that she'd meet Swarek, fall for him and feel compelled to reject him. Talk about fate. What where the odds? Sam was undercover and there was no reason she should meet him. Not before she had a chance to settle in, anyway. He wasn't meant to be her training officer. If she had not tried to be the hero on her first day, all this mess would have been avoided.
She had no idea why she was here, at Luke's cabin, she didn't want that! She was stuck in a bad soap opera unless she learnt to say no. She had had no problem with giving Sam the cold shoulder and leaving with Callaghan. She sniggered in the dark, slouched down a bit more on the stairs, feeling helpless. You don't have to make him jealous, dummy, you have him wrapped around your finger already! Maybe Luke will make a mistake, forcing her hand into a convenient break up. Maybe it'll be easier than she thought to get back on her feet.
And yet, Luke seemed like such a perfect guy, easy on the eyes, considerate, kind, scratch that, not that kind as much as dedicated to his job. A living ad for the detective squad. Boring, boring, boring. Even the sex was... Okay, not that bad, but not fantastic either, she sighed. At least, he was no immediate threat, - unlike Sam. After everything she'd been through with her mother going awol and his father drowning in booze, she desperately needed to feel alive, not to live for her job. She should have known better than to throw herself at the first good looking guy showing interest. What did it say about her? That she wanted to feel normal for a change? Not good enough. That was her MO. Always pick the wrong guy, no matter what. She did everything by the book. Her book. Way to go, Andy! She should have adopted a dog instead. To own a dog fell in the category of 'normal'. Not to mention that unconditional love from a furry friend was way easier to manage on a daily basis.
She took another gulp from the bottle. What was wrong with her? She shook her head and frowned. Sam knew they couldn't get involved. And Callaghan? Was he really in the business of picking a different rookie every year or was it just Swarek toying with her? Or both? At this point, she wasn't even sure she cared any more. Anyway, if Sam had told her the truth, he was right. She needed to be warned before getting hurt in the process. It could jeopardize her efficiency on the job. That's what partners do, keeping you safe. On the other hand, from what she overheard of his conversation with Oliver Shaw, -and Gail bitchy lecture, it might have crossed people's mind that they could be an item.
If you think about it, it was not like she had a real choice. Who was she trying to fool? There was always a choice, even if your choice didn't abide by police rules and regulations. Sure, she was attracted to Sam Swarek. Not from their bumpy start, that is. But curiously, his gruff persona kind of kept growing on her. Still, he was her training officer. There was nothing they could do about it. For crying out loud, he was so off limits. Nevertheless, deep down, she knew he was the caring one, the right shoulder to cry on, the one who'll always have her back. He was her partner. And in the middle of her affair with Luke, she had fallen for him. Hard. And now she was in free fall and it was such a bad idea. There was nothing she could do about it. When she was with him, she was happy. When she was with Luke, she was longing to being back with Sam in the patrol car or else. Her new life had turned into a nightmare because she was afraid of consequences.
As far as she was concerned now, Luke tended to her physical needs, nothing more really. Now that she knew first hand what it felt to be kissed, touched… Don't go there, she thought, nursing the bottle on her lap. She should have let Swarek take her home, that night after they put Emily on that bus to wherever. She should have followed her guts instead of playing it safe with Mr Right. Luke was just her rebound guy for an affair that didn't even start in the first place. She had been so very wrong to let it happen.
Of course, she couldn't condone Sam beating the crap out of Luke. It was scary to witness such unexpected violence against a fellow officer. Chris was probably the only one still wondering what had happened. She closed her eyes until she saw tiny light dots dancing behind her eyelids and gulped another mouthful of scotch. Right. Feel sorry for yourself, that is really helping. She was such a failure. In only a few weeks on the job, she had managed to burn a fellow officer, to report a vice detective, to kill a suspect and to have two good men fight for her. Though technically, Sam was the one fighting for her. She was like the shiny new toy at the Division. It was horrible, and childish, and flattering… and sexy. No one had ever fought for her before.
It was a weird night, heavy cloud scarring the sky, half obliterating the stars. She tried to place Ursa Major but she couldn't even find the evening star and finally gave up. She felt exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. She was so wound up that she could have run back all the way to Sam's place, had he called her right this minute. Which would never happen in this lifetime. She pulled on her sweater; it was almost chilly near the lake. After the last heat wave in town, it was a welcome change. She slowly cleared her mind and after a while, the slow and heavy flight of distant aquatic birds was all she cared about. She finally realized her drinking was going somewhere. She felt warm and calmer. Sedated. She glanced back to the room where Luke was asleep. He was perfectly still, oblivious of her absence. What kind of talk did he have with Swarek about her? "As far as he's concerned, you're all mine". What the hell did that mean? She suddenly felt trapped, miles away from her own bed, trapped in her continuing repeated mistakes. She checked her phone for the umpteenth time and sighed. She was seriously contemplating calling Sam to apologize. Apologize? What about? Kissing him? Wanting him? Barging in, in the middle of the night with a bad case of repressed lust? Why would she? She was only human, she couldn't go against what she felt or against what her body wanted.
Sam was right. He had to be. It was what it was, nothing more. Except that it didn't mean anything either. It was what it was. She'd turned the sentence in her head until she felt dizzy. It was what it was. He had made it clear that he was a consenting adult and that he didn't mind breaking a few (a lot) of rules. She felt pretty confident that he wouldn't mind breaking this one. She flipped her cell open and sped dial his number. She went directly to his voicemail. It was a sign. Maybe, he'd get no trace of her call.
Dream on, girl.
She took a last gulp of scotch and went back to bed, not bothering to take off the large wool jacket that made her look like a Matryoshka doll. She drowsed in until dawn and spent the whole trip back asleep in Luke's car. He didn't seem to care. His mind was set on his case the minute his feet touched the floor.
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