Disclaimer: If you think I own these things…news flash…I don't!
A/N: Yeah, I'm writing a follow up for the season finale. It's kind of late, but I'm assuming we all remember what happened in the season finale so this shouldn't be too bad. I want to kill Mary…poor Marshall can only take so much. I'm writing in first person, because that's how it went in my head…I don't usually write in first person. I have to give a huge thanks to BuJyo for betaing…because without her, this story wouldn't be posted, nor would it be any good. Enjoy!
Why did I do this? I am lying in a strange bed and I hate beds that aren't mine…or at Marshall's house. I am with an FBI agent and I hate the FBI. I am on the beach and not two days ago I specifically listed all the reasons that I hate the beach, and yes, they still apply. I flirted with a Cabana boy and I just had sex with an FBI agent who could use some Viagra if he wants to keep up with me. Marshall's voice keeps echoing in my head. It's like his words are on repeat and I can't find the off button.
Air blows through the cracked balcony door and I notice the sun is beginning to set. Slowly, I move away from Faber and slip on my robe. Sliding through the door, I shut it behind me and smile as I think about how much Marshall would love this sunset. He would drag me out here to watch it. I would whine and complain, but all the while I would secretly like that he cared enough to want me to see this.
I rest my elbows on the balcony rail and cradle my chin in my hands. What would have happened if Stan hadn't interrupted Marshall and I in the office? What would I have even said to Marshall after I told him I was thinking, because I knew he was expecting more than that. I'm not as dense as everybody thinks I am when it comes to these matters. I know Marshall loves me, and I know he loves me, loves me. Like more than a partner and more than a best friend. I know that's what he was saying when he said I needed someone who will call me on my BS and knows me. He thinks I don't see it, but I do. I just don't know if I can handle that right now. Come to think of it, I don't know if I can ever handle it. My life is just one big mess, and although Marshall thinks I need messy…well, he doesn't know what he's getting into with me and I can't let him think that he can handle my messes, because I refuse to let him get stuck with all my crap too.
Marshall. I really want to hear his voice all of a sudden. He knows I'm on vacation, but I conveniently forgot to tell him that Faber was coming along. Going back into the room to retrieve my phone I notice Faber is still sleeping. Hopefully he'll stay asleep long enough for me to make this call. Hopefully I'll know what to do about him after this call is made. He needs to go. I can't even use him as a nice little sex buddy, because as I realized earlier…the Viagra!
Dialing Marshall's number, I wondered what I was going to say to him. I couldn't tell him I needed to hear his voice, because that made me sound weak, something I was not and never would be! Also, I couldn't tell Marshall that I missed him, because I'm not yet sure if that's what this strange feeling in my gut is.
"Are you enjoying your vacation?" Marshall asked as soon as he picked up the phone.
I smiled. "What, no 'Mary, how nice of you to call,' or 'Mary, I'm so glad to hear from you,' or…"
"Mary, how nice of you to call," Marshall interrupted. "I'm so glad to hear from you, Mary…anything else you wanted me to say?"
"You're an idiot," I muttered.
I can tell Marshall is smiling on the other end of the phone. Well, that's good, at least.
"Marshall, listen," I began. No, I have no idea what I'm going to say to him. No, I'm not even sure I know what I want to say. But, here goes nothing. "There were many points in my life that I could classify as train wrecks. The thing is I knew these things wouldn't be good for me, yet I went ahead and did them. Sometimes I know I'm doing something that will land me in another mess and I stop it. I manage to somehow turn the train around and continue happily on the tracks. There are other times though, that I know a specific path will land the train in a wreck, but I continue on down it. Hence, my horrific marriage and my stupid engagement. It's just…have you ever felt that something in your life defines you? You, Marshall, are a fifth generation marshal. All you've heard about your whole life was fighting bad guys and getting justice. Being a marshal defines you. My life has been filled with train wrecks…my own or my family's, but lately, I'm the master of them. If I'm not cleaning up a recent one I had, I'm on my way to another one. My life is defined by the wrecks. If I don't have one, it's like I'm doing something wrong. I know, that sounds twisted and completely backwards, but it's all I know. And if, for a while, I've been doing well, I unconsciously, well, mostly unconsciously, go down another path that will lead me to a wreck. I let myself think I'm so much better than my family, but I'm really not. While they're wallowing in their own crap waiting for me to clean up after them, I'm falling down the manhole getting ready to land in the crap. I've also managed to grab hold of your arm and now you are going down with me."
Now that I got that out, I realize it's true. I also realize I hurt Marshall by the train wrecks I have. I unintentionally hurt Marshall all the time. I really need to stop that. I can only image how much knowing I'm here with Faber would hurt him. Maybe he doesn't have to find out. Sneaking a glance back into the room and zeroing in on the bed I let out a little sigh of relief because Faber is still asleep.
"Mare," Marshall sighed. "What brought all of this on?" I guess he wants to see what has made me so negative before he argues, because I know I can't get off this easy.
I sighed too. "I'm not really sure. Maybe it's being on a vacation and having too much time to think. Maybe it's because I'm pretty sure I'm in the middle of another train wreck right now. Or, maybe it's because your damn speech in the office yesterday doesn't have an off button on the repeat cycle it's running in my head."
"You're in the middle of another train wreck right now?" Marshall questioned.
I rolled my eyes. "Out of what I just said, that is what you choose to focus on?"
It's like Marshall didn't even hear me. Suddenly, I heard him suck in a breath. "Your 'train wreck'…it's not Faber is it?" His voice sounded very strained when he said that.
Okay, maybe he will find out. I shook my head. I'm not even going to ask how he knew that. Before I could even think of anything to say to that he was talking again. Well, talking wouldn't be the right word for it. Yelling is more like it.
"Good God, Mary!" Marshall yelled. I closed my eyes as I listened to him rant and rave about how Faber was all wrong for me and finally I just couldn't take it anymore.
"Don't you think I know all this, Marshall," I shot back at him in a louder tone than he was using, if that was possible. "I know you wonder why I'm doing this and why I couldn't just go on a vacation alone since I have that aversion to people and all. I had to distract myself and I thought Faber could be a good aid in my distraction. I couldn't go on a vacation by myself and let your stupid words run around in circles in my head, although that's what they're doing regardless. I couldn't think about how you were talking about yourself in what you said to me and I couldn't let myself think that I might want what you were saying. Why? Because I would want to start something with you. I would rush it or do something awful, probably both, and then everything we've worked for would be messed up. It would be a relationship neither one of us is equipped to handle, one that I'm not sure we ever will be! I can't let you get dragged into a relationship that you think you want, one that I want, but a relationship that I'd royally screw up. A relationship that would turn into the biggest train wreck of the century. Why would I mess it all up you ask? I just…" My voice had dropped in volume since I started and now it was a whisper. I felt tears pricking the back of my eyes. This was not good, but I had to get the rest of this out. "I know a relationship with you would be amazing. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of messing things up and it would happen eventually because things would be going good and things can't and don't go well for me. People as wonderful as you don't come along every day, Marshall. And when they do, I definitely don't deserve them."
I hung up the phone and walked back through the doors inside the room. Faber was sitting up on the bed and I sighed. Fantastic! He heard the tail end of my conversation, knew who I was talking to and was going to open his mouth and say something stupid.
He did. "If I'm just a distraction then why…"
I cut him off before he could get any further. "Look, please don't play the wounded man here. You knew this was a no strings attached thing and you were looking to get laid and so was I. Now that we have done that, you can leave. Hurry up and pack."
Since that is what Faber had wanted and basically all he wanted, since we had agreed to no strings attached, and since he could tell I never needed him and didn't want him here anymore he left without too much fuss. Well, I had turned this relationship into a train wreck before it had even started. This must have been a new record for me or something.
My phone was ringing. Without glancing at the caller ID and without seeing Marshal (I had spelled his name with one L in my phone as a joke) flash across my screen I knew it was him. When I did look down at the phone, that's what I saw. I refused to answer it though. I couldn't talk to Marshall right now. Especially when just hearing his voice would set the very nicely controlled dam of tears loose. I wasn't going to cry in front of Faber and I wasn't going to cry while I was talking on the phone to Marshall. That would just make him feel worse and I have been hurting Marshall for far too long to keep doing it now. Besides, I don't cry! Of course, being me, I didn't think not answering the phone would hurt him more, at least not until much later. I turned the phone on silent, put it on the table, leaned against the headboard on the bed and watched Faber pack.
As soon as Faber was gone, I lay down fully on the bed, squeezed my eyes shut and let the tears that had been nicely controlled come full force. I cried for the train wrecks that were all my relationships and cried for the relationships I was too scared to try. Mostly though, and while I would admit this to no one, I cried for Marshall and me, the relationship we could never have, but the only one I desperately wanted.
This is the first chapter. What do you think of it? I hope you liked it. There is another chapter and if you all like this one enough I will post the next one tomorrow! Please review and tell me what you thought! Thanks friends.