Five times jack attempted suicide

Disclaimer: torchwood is not… I repeat… NOT mine. If it was they would never had killed ianto (bastards)

Rated t because I'm paranoid

1: after he came back to life:

He walked around 18th century Cardiff, wondering how he was still alive 'I was shot by a dalek' he thought 'I was exterminated… I should be dead' but a thought even bigger than this kept creeping around his brain 'why did they abandon me?' he just couldn't comprehend it. As he walked down a dark alley, he felt a weight on his back, followed by a sharp pain. He fell to the floor and looked up at his attacker. 'Damn ex lovers' he thought, as the darkness conquered him. He awoke a few minutes alter, feeling dizzy and disoriented. 'What the hell' he thought, as he took long deep breaths in and out. 'I should be dead, I want to be dead' he looked down, and saw the knife, just lying there… 'Hmm' he thought 'maybe it only works if im killed, but what if I do it myself?" he took the knife, and dragged it across his throat, feeling the warm blood drip down his throat as he died.

2. After he sacrificed jasmine to the fairies:

Jack locked himself in his office, wanting to be alone for a while. He needed to comprehend what he had done. He sat on the floor, and just thought. He was interrupted by a knock on the door

"Jack?" jack heard the beautiful welsh vowels that made up Ianto's voice.

"I thought you would have gone home? The others left hours ago" jack said, hoping he would go away, but secretly hoping he would stay.

"Well, I heard what happened, and I thought you might want someone to talk to about it. Im a good listener."

"I suppose you want to tell me off as well. Everyone else seems to."

"You made the right choice jack, it was the only way." Ianto knelt down, so he was face to face with jack, and both fought the urge to lean in. ianto was the first to drag himself away, claiming he had other commitments he needed to attend to. Jack just nodded, knowing it was a lie. When he heard the cogwheel move, and he heard ianto leave, he got up, and went into the safe. There was his handgun, just lying there. He picked it up, brought it to his head, and fired…

3: after he was released from the master:

Jack entered the torchwood not surprised to find it deserted. Memories of his torture at the hands of a psychopath kept running through his mind. Memories of torture, death, coming back, and then starting the cycle again. Memories of various escape attempts, which just lead to more torture, more death, and more coming back. Each time he died, he hoped he would wake in his own bed, or in the tardis, or anywhere other than the place he died in. he knew the only way to make the memories stop, even for a second. He walked up the stairs to the roof, going as quickly as possible. He eventually reached his target, and looked out into the distance, thinking about all the people he had helped over the years. Then, he walked to the edge, and jumped.

4: after Toshiko and Owen died:

Jack walked down the high street after the funeral. It was filled with the normal mass of shoppers, looking for a cheap sale, or a nice outfit they would only wear once. They were all here because of the sacrifices made by Toshiko and Owen 'if they hadn't shutdown the plant, if they hadn't stopped the meltdown spreading out, everyone here would be dead, or highly mutated. They sacrificed their lives so that the others could live. They died for a noble cause. He was down two team members though 'no, two friends' his mind told him, as he continued to walk to nowhere in particular. He was more upset about Owen if he was honest. He was the only one in the team he could relate to. He had Tosh for general chatting, Gwen for flirting, ianto to fuck and confide in, but no one really to relate to. Owen was the closest thing he had to someone like him. Just as he was thinking this, he saw the bus driving along. Without thinking, jack ran and jumped in its route.

5: after ianto died:

This was the lowest jack had ever felt. It felt like noting could be right again. His daughter hated him, his grandson had died at his hand, and his lover had died in his arms. He still remembered Iantos last words 'in a million years, you won't remember me…' if only he had had the guts to tell ianto how he felt, or even something better than just 'don't'. His mind ventured back to the happier memories with him. the time in Ianto's flat when jack had tried to make dinner, but had made a huge mess and unleashed the monster he called 'the psycho ianto' and to when they first made love for the first time, not fucked, but made love. Jack remembered looking into Ianto's eyes and thinking 'yeah… I could stay like this forever and would be happy.' Jack tied the noose around his neck tighter, knowing it would do the job. He just wanted to forget… just for a little bit. He jumped off his stool, and just for a second, forgot he would have to return to the grief that enslaved his every moment.