I'm back! And this time around, I've got a whole bunch of angst and emo! I know I'm not a pro, but I write from the heart and with all my soul. I hope you enjoy!
This story would not be possible at all without my bb, TanglingShadows, who holds my hand, pre-reads, corrects and listens to my crazy ass rants. I'd be nothing without her. Big huge thanks to StAngelS and maxandmo for beta'ing my baby, especially since I freaked out so much on them with time tenses. Je suis le fail! Lotsa love to sscana, cvds and heathermichelle76 for pre-reading this puppy.
- Beyond the Pale Contest -
Title: Dark Skies and Clouded Dreams
Pen name: eddiebell69
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters. I just own a very emo state of mind.
This story includes drinking, as well as dark themes; please read at your discretion.
Image that Inspired you: #3 (www . bit . ly/crDj1X)
THIS STORY IS NOT WUSSPERV FRIENDLY AT ALL!
Dark Skies and Clouded Dreams
This floor is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun
Driven by the strangled vein
Showing no mercy I do it again
Open up your eye
You keep on crying, baby
I'll bleed you dry
The skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea
And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer
You shimmy shook my boat
Leaving me stranded, all in love on my own
Closer, Kings of Leon
As I sit in my room, looking out of my window, I realize it is night time. There are no stars tonight and no moon can be seen; the clouds have cloaked and consumed it. The artificial darkness I've created in an attempt to block everything out is the same outside. I laugh at that thought; everything around me embodies how I feel inside of my broken heart and soul.
I take my glass of Label Five scotch and down the remaining liquor, which isn't much; the glass is half empty.
As the alcohol makes its way down my throat, the tears begin to stream down my cheeks. How is it possible to weep after all I've cried these past few days? It seems impossible to me. I thought I had shed enough tears to form a sea, yet they keep coming…and coming…and coming. They are never-ending.
I figure I need more alcohol to numb me; to consume me; to put me in a stupor where everything will be forgotten. I refill my glass and look out the window again, staring at the clouds overtaking the sky. As I take a sip from my glass, I hope it will give me the peaceful slumber that I haven't had lately, yet desperately need.
I have no idea how I am functioning correctly, I haven't slept, or eaten in days and it isn't that I don't want to but rather that I just can't. My appetite is gone and sleeping is… well, it's just missing. It isn't the first time I've gone through this, but it definitely feels worse. I don't want sleep anyway. If I ate, it'd probably come back up anyway, along with all the scotch; it's all working out perfectly fine.
I'm sure I probably look like shit because I most definitely feel like it. My emotional burden has overtaken me physically; my heart has been broken beyond repair and as an effect, it has broken me too. Not only does my heart hurt but so does my soul. Every part of my body aches with the pain that consumes me. I am shattered inside out, my brokenness seeping through me, exposing how damaged I truly am. I've refused to look in a mirror because then I can also see the deterioration, not just feel it.
Whenever I look in a mirror, the person who is reflected is not whom I want to see. I want to see the Bella that I'd been before this entire catastrophe, but I can't have her back. She is gone. I am just the damaged and empty shell of whom I'd once been.
That's why I broke all the mirrors in my room. I did it one by one, slowly. I threw whatever would break them easily and was close to me. There were only three mirrors in the first place, which means twenty-one years of bad luck for me. I scoff and chuckle darkly thinking over that idea. Can I really have any more bad luck?
Being me, probably so.
I close my eyes as I remember what has led to this; to the destruction of everything that I'd had and whom I'd been. As the memories come back, I feel the weight of them crashing over me. As I gasp for air, I feel how the pain suffocates me. My chest constricts just as the shuddering sobs erupt and envelope me once again.
That's why I want to drown my pain, to let the scotch drift me away and help me forget, if only for tonight. I am too tired but can't manage to sleep because the anxiety engulfs me. Not to mention that when I lie in bed, I brood over all the things I've done there with him. With Edward, the cause of my destruction, and that, though it seems impossible, hurts even more.
I can see his body flush against mine as he rocked into me slowly and whispered words of love. I can feel the warmth of our hands as we'd held them together the first time he made love to me. I could almost feel the heat from his passionate kisses and touches on my skin.
Remembering the nights when he would pound into me with reckless abandon, and when we would both lose control, made my body react all over again. I loved waking up with him in that bed to see him smiling down at me after he spent the night. But Edward will no longer be able to do those things with me.
I shut my eyes tighter as I recalled how perfect everything had been…
Edward and I had been dating for over a year and were completely in love, or so I thought. We had been practically inseparable, but things started changing when he'd gotten hired at Walker Industries.
He was under James Walker's wing, which Edward was very proud of. James' team was one of the top advertising teams in Chicago, which meant that Edward had been working late almost every night.
At first, he would come over to my place so tired that he'd practically fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. What upset me the most was that we had lost our physical relationship; we hadn't had sex in weeks. Edward and I had always been very physical, so that's what tipped me off that something just wasn't right.
During the nights he stayed over before, we'd hardly slept at all. We'd always been so wrapped up in each other, kissing, making love or simply just talking and being us. When we had taken showers together, the water would always run cold before we got out. We had been insatiable, but Edward didn't seem to want me anymore.
Soon afterward, he stopped coming over all together and I spent most nights alone. We began to argue constantly as he was on edge most of the time and my anxiety betrayed me. I'd call him and he'd have his cell phone off. Whenever I called his office, he was always in 'meetings', so I didn't bother calling him anymore.
The night of my birthday was my breaking point; Edward hadn't called or even shown any sign of remembering the date. I had gone out with my friends to a local bar to celebrate. They begged me to go despite the fact that I was not in the mood at all. Needless to say, I drank away my pain and got completely drunk. My best friend, Lucy, had taken me home and stayed with me when I finally broke down.
The next day, after Lucy left, Edward showed up at my apartment asking me where I'd been and why I hadn't answered his phone calls. I'd forgotten that Ihad turned off my cell phone after I'd left for the bar and hadn't turned it back on. That was beside the point; I'd wanted to know why he hadn't called before. Better yet, I wanted to make him feel bad for forgetting my birthday… so I did.
"I'm sorry, Edward, but I went out last night with my friends to celebrate my birthday, because it was yesterday, you know?" I said looking up at him."That's why I turned off my cell phone. I figured you were too busy to call me anyway."
Edward was speechless, as he stood in front of me. He gaped at me for what was probably a minutebefore he recovered.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I was just too busy. I was at the office until late and I didn't have time to call you. I promise I'll make it up to you, baby. I promise."
I moved back as he tried to hug me. "Oh, yeah? When are you going to have time for that, Edward? You're always 'too busy'?" I quoted him.
"Baby, you know I have a lot of work at the office right now. James has gotten the team so many new projects lately that I haven't been aware of the dates… and I... I've been… I have so many things going on right now,"he said nervously.
"I know you do, Edward, and that's what hurts me the most. You have so much going on that you don't even have time for me anymore. I know this job is important to you, so I'm not going to stand between you and what you want any longer," I said with an air of conviction I didn't know I had in me.
"What do you mean, Bella?" Edward asked dumbfounded.
"It means that you and I are over. From this point on, you don't have to worry about me. There are far more important things to you, obviously, as you've proven that over these last few months," I said while I tried to reign in my anger and tears. I didn't want him to see me crumble; I had to wait, I would wait.
"Bella, baby, I love you," Edward whispered.
"I love you too, Edward, so much, but sometimes loving somebody is just not good enough, at least not for me." I said as I closed my eyes and prepared myself to say the next words that I knew would break my heart. I took a deep breath and fisted my hands, willing with all my might that the motion would give me the strength to go on with my decision, "I can't go on, Edward, this needs to stop now, before it's too late…"
I expected Edward to argue my point, but I was only met with silence. I opened my eyes and saw him standing in front of me. Helooked at me with the most pained expression I'd ever seen him sport.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. You have no idea how sorry I truly am. I never wanted to hurt you. All I ever wanted was to love you and I did it all wrong. I'm so sorry," he said, as he leaned down and kissed my forehead softly.
With that he left. He turned around and left my apartment without another word. I was too stunned to really acknowledge how quickly everything had happened; how the man I loved gave up so easily on us. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't until then that I allowed myself to release the tears I had been holding back. I cried and cried until I wasn't able to cry anymore.
With that thought, I was brought back to the present. The nights that followed were just like the ones I was living now, but not so terrible. I would stay up at night in my bed and wondered what Edward was doing; if he thought of me, and why had he didn't fight harder for me...for us.
I couldn't understand why; why he'd left so easily and hadn't even tried to work things out, or tried to convince me that what I was doing was wrong. It was as if he'd just been waiting for something to happen so he could leave me. I couldn't fathom what I'd done wrong, or what he'd done wrong, according to him. His last words kept repeating themselves in my head and I couldn't figure it out.
I wondered what could have been more important than my birthday. Edward was not like that at all. All the time I had known him, he'd been very organized. All of his important dates, meetings and appointments were checked first thing in the morning but he had changed so much.
Finding out the reason, or trying to come up with an explanation for his change, was what really kept me up at night. I had been so determined to find out, not really envisioning that the real reason would tear me apart.
It had been almost two weeks when I decided that I would try to get Edward back. I would apologize for being so foolish and for letting him go. I had gone to his apartment determined to fix things between us, not really thinking about what I was going to do. It was very late and extremely cold outside, the winter chill numbing me. When I approached his door, all my senses were awakened by his close presence.
My breath caught in my throat as the door was finally opened by a woman. She stood in front of me in all her glory; she was the complete opposite of me.
She was tall, beautiful, and had a flair of confidence that I obviously lacked. Her heart-shaped face was framed by wavy light auburn hair that fell below her shoulders. Her olive eyes sparkled and reflected the happiness that she probably felt.
She greeted me with the warmest smile which made me feel nervous. I didn't know what to do next. She surprised me by inviting me in. Once inside I'd lost all coherency due to my wracking nerves.I managed to ask for Edward, who she said, was taking a shower. I'd known then that whoever this girl was, she was important to Edward; probably even more so than me.
My doubts were confirmed when she introduced herself as Victoria Walker, Edward's girlfriend. She was James' daughter and business associate at the firm. I apologized for intruding and bothering them at such a late hour, but told her that I needed to speak with Edward, which was no longer true.
There was nothing left to do there, yet I couldn't find the will to move. My feet felt cemented, as the sorrow that began to overtake me weighed me down. When I finally tried to leave, Victoria stopped me, telling me I should wait for Edward, so he could take me home.
When I told her it wasn't necessary, she said she wouldn't let me leave in my state, which then caused me to cry. I hadn't realized that it was so obvious I was in such bad shape. Though I hadn't slept for days, and had been crying a lot, I had at least washed my face and attempted to look presentable before showing up at Edward's house.
She sat me on the couch and hugged me, consoling me and telling me it was okay. She was wrong. Things were not okay. My world had just crumbled in front of me and there was no way to save me. It was apparent that Edward had been cheating on me for a while with Victoria.
As I poured my heart out with my speechless cries, my heart broke even more. The air in my lungs seemed to escape me in its totality and I felt as all the oxygen left me. My heart begun to beat faster and I could literally feel it and hear it.
The pain in my heart, combined with the physical wear and tear on my body submerged me into a deep black sea of agony. It drowned me in a never-ending abyss which wouldn't let me float above. No matter how hard I had tried, I'd gotten stuck in the midst of it all. I'd loss the notion of time just as everything seemed to cease to exist.
When I finally came to my senses, I realized I was in the hospital and that Edward was there with me. He was crying softly and hadn't noticed that I'd woken up. Over and over he whispered apologies and repeated that it was his fault as he held my hand.
I waited to see what else he would say but it was always the same. After a few minutes I began to stir in my bed, finally alerting him that I was conscious. He immediately withdrew his hand and wiped his tears away. When he moved to leave, I stopped him; I wanted to know what had happened. I also needed to know more about Victoria, even if it hurt me even more.
Edward proceeded to explain that I'd had an anxiety attack which combined with the exhaustion of not sleeping had led me to have a sudden cardiac arrest. Victoria had called the ambulance immediately and had taken me to the hospital; Edward had joined her afterward.
He had called Lucy so she could stay with me overnight, while I stayed in observation. Victoria had gone with her to buy a coffee and would be back soon. They had just been waiting for me to wake up so they could leave.
It was then that I asked him what kind of relationship he'd told Victoria he had with me. He seemed reluctant at first but then told me that he'd just told her we were childhood friends. Apparently she believed him since she was still there. I didn't ask who she was since I already knew, but I did want to know how it had happened.
Edward told me that the relationship hadn't been initiated by him, but rather it was James that had pressured him into it. He had been so afraid that he'd lose his job that he went along with it until he was too caught up in the game. When he realized that Victoria had fallen completely in love with him, he couldn't bear to break her heart.
He had tried to work something out but had no idea how to do it without hurting us both. Then, he explained how he had distanced himself from me to avoid seeing how he was hurting me; it had hurt him to do so too. The night that I had broken up with him, I'd made things easier for him and gave him a way out of the situation.
I tried to take in everything he said, but more than anything, I tried to accept it. I understood why he didn't want to break Victoria's heart. She was such a loving and giving person. She had helped me without knowing who I was because she assumed that I was close to Edward, whom she'd do anything for, obviously.
When it was time to go, Edward leaned down and kissed my forehead once again, just as he had done before he'd left my apartment the morning after my birthday. He didn't say anything, but in that kiss I felt how much it hurt him to leave me, how much love he still felt for me. It hurt to see him leave with Victoria, but I knew that he had to do it. From that moment on, I knew that I had to learn to live without him,though it wouldn't be easy.
After I was released from the hospital, Lucy stayed with me for a few days to make sure I was okay. She also stayed to make sure I didn't have any reactions to the medicine I had just been prescribed. My cardiologist had given me Diazepam, which would help control my anxiety and allow me to sleep at night.
It's at this moment that I remember I haven't taken my pills and run to the bathroom to my medicine cabinet. They would most definitely help me sleep. I open the cabinet with shaky hands and take out my prescription bottle. For just a second I wonder how many to take, if I should take more than one, but then remember they are pretty strong.
One pill would do.
I place the pill on my tongue and move my hands under the faucet once the cold water is running; I let the water pool and take a drink. As the pill makes its way down my throat, I close my eyes and beg for its' effects to come soon. I step out of the bathroom and walk back into my room.
Before going back to my chair by the window, I fix my bed in hopes that I'll finally be able to sleep. I'd thrown the covers and pillows unceremoniously around the room in a moment of rage and even stood the mattress against the door to make the room darker.
I take in my surroundings, as I return to my seat. Everything is a chaos, just like me. My glass is completely empty and sitting on the window sill. When I look at the bottle of scotch, I realize that I have drank more than what I thought.
Two-thirds of the alcohol is gone; it obviously fueled the rage I felt as I caused the destruction of everything around me. I can fix everything and put my room back together, but who can fix me? I am broken beyond repair, even more so than when I broke up with Edward.
Back then, apart from all the hurt, I'd had faith. Faith that maybe, just maybe, I could get him back.
That somehow Edward and I could have found a way to be together if things with Victoria did not work out. I had decided that I would wait, it could happen, it was a possibility.
But now, there is definitely no hope for me.
Tomorrow everything will change. After tomorrow, there will be no way that he could ever be mine again. All the hope that I'd harbored is futile and I can never get him back.
Edward and Victoria are getting married tomorrow.
Three days ago, as I sat in the same coffee house where Edward and I met, I saw the announcement of his wedding in the newspaper. When I saw their picture, my entire world came crashing down. I knew it could happen, that it was a very probable possibility, yet I refused to believe it.
It hurts too much to accept it, but it is true. What hurts me the most is where I found out, since it has tainted the best memory I have of Edward and me.
How could God do this to me? Edward doesn't even love Victoria and she doesn't deserve that either. All three of us have unknowingly been victims of James, and now our futures are destined by him. Maybe over the years, Edward will grow to love Victoria, but I'll be alone.
I will never be able to love anyone the way that I loved Edward, ever again. Deep down inside, I know that my love for him has changed. I haven't been with him for that love to grow more and have only stayed with what we shared, and it's not enough.
I need his love to go on; to complete me. It has been as if he died the day that he stepped out of my life, never coming back. Unknowingly, I have been mourning his loss and the love that we used to have, all the months we have been apart. Bits of me have also died along the way; I have never been the same… I will never be the same.
I look back at the crumpled newspaper in my hands, the same one I read at the coffee shop, and press it against my aching chest. My eyes begin to droop, apparently from the pill's effect. The promise of the respite I have been searching for is near. I welcome it, embrace it even.
I move to my bed to lie in the middle, pulling the covers over me as I nestle myself in. I didn't realize how cold and exhausted I truly am until I start drifting away into a dream. The weight of the agony that I've been living in seems to lighten and pull me in further at the same time.
The pounding in my head echoes the pounding I feel in my chest, deafening everything but the sound of my broken yet beating heart. As my consciousness slips away all I can see is a brightness that lulls me into it.
The physical darkness near me tries to pull me away, battling with the light that surrounds me in my dream. I want the peace and comfort that the light promises. The darkness will not win; I am too tired to continue immersed in it, to fight it.
So I don't.
Long ass a/n: Hmmm…. some of you are probably wondering what happened here, right?
Well, if you thought Bella died, it's true. I know, I just made y'all sad pandaz… but would you rather her live in despair? I think so not! I wouldn't. Did she do it on purpose? Nope. It was an accidental suicide caused by the mix of alcohol and Diazepam.
Diazepam is actually the new commercial name for Valium, and when it's combined with alcohol, it can be deadly. Bella didn't know this. Had she known that Valium was her actual prescribed medicine, I doubt she would have taken it. This is why it's very important that you read the information all about your meds, peeps!
She had a drug synergism in her system which caused her to hypoventilate, not hyperventilate, and die. I learned that in D.A.R.E. and had always wanted to use it. Hehehe… You can look up all these fancy-shmancy terms in Wikipedia, or Google it, like a very wise dude once said.
I apologize if I made you flail and got your heart all clenchy, but this shit happens all the time. Well, the heart break part mostly… Fortunately, sometimes, God sends angels into our life to save us.
My angel is Lucy, this story is dedicated to her; I would not be here if it weren't for her. She saved me from Bella's tragic fate when I almost gave up on everything two years ago. I love her with all my heart and consider her more than family… even if she keeps insisting I need to learn how to read and write in Spanish!
PS. I might have gotten the lyrics wrong but it worked for my story and Caleb Followill has really bad diction!
Reviews are always appreciated but bewbie gropes and spanks are preferred!