Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. Maybe this version of Yachiru does, too, but wouldn't that be scary?
AN: A companion to "Humble Shopkeeper", but it can be read as a stand-alone. Look on it as a sort of prequel. Maybe. Or horror. Yeah. A horror story.
Yachiru knows that there is more to Yumichika than just looks. There is also candy, ready to be handed in as bribe and she is quite prone to accepting bribes because she hasn't yet found out how she could turn the fact that he steals Matsumoto's cosmetics on a regular basis to her advantage. She also knows that Ikkaku knows, but he isn't saying anything, because he also steals the shoeshine for his head.
Yachiru also knows that Yamamoto likes belly dancers and often goes to Rukongai to watch them for hours on end. That is all he does. Watch. Because, frankly, Yachiru doesn't think he can get it up anymore – and of course she knows about getting up, because live with the Eleventh Division long enough and you find out a lot about birds, bees, stings, bees and bees, birds and birds, Soi Fon and cats and all sorts of other things little girls shouldn't know.
Yachiru knows that Byakuya is a softy at heart, because he always acts all stuck up and annoyed when she does things, but he never really complains about the stuff she does. Not even about moving the Headquarters of the Shinigami Women's Association into his home. He sometimes gives her candy. He keeps his wife's shrine carefully tended to. He's never really mean to Rukia, but he doesn't know how to act – she can see it in his face while his back is turned towards his adopted sister. And sometimes drops of water fall out of his eyes – he doesn't cry, because not a muscle moves and there's always very few drops. But he does it at night. She also knows that he hasn't had sex since forever, since she really likes going to his place and hanging around. It's very pretty.
She knows that Renji suffers very stoically through getting tattoos, but freaked out entirely during a haircut. He wears a pony tail because that is the only way he can be calm about nobody else being able to tell that the crazy lady hairdresser stole a lock about the size of a small coin from the back of his head. A very long lock. So long that he had a bald spot that he's now trying to get to grow quicker.
Yachiru knows that if you ask the members of the Second Division nicely, they're glad to tell the lieutenant of the Eleventh a few tricks on how to move fast and unseen. They talk too much according to their rules, but they don't think talking to a child counts as treason. So score for Yachiru.
Yachiru also knows that Nemu isn't very happy about her sort-of-dad. She asked the other lieutenant whether she didn't want to join her and Ken-chan, but Nemu had replied that she wouldn't, because she belonged with Mayuri and couldn't, because, in any way, he had a destruct button for her.
Yachiru knows that, despite what people seem to think in Seireitei, Kyouraku and Ukitake never sleep together. Kyouraku sneaks out before dawn. She also knows that they don't sleep with each other in the other sense of the word either – there's always a woman between them. That's why Nanao is so upset with Kyouraku. Yachiru just finds that it figures. Both of them seem to favor the idea of pairs – they have two swords each, they're a pair of friends. Yes, it figures.
Yachiru knows Ken-chan is a sex god. He can sleep with anybody for as long as he wants without stopping. He generally chooses women from Rukongai, because he doesn't like the shinigami women available. He says that they're too complicated. And he's the only one who knows that Yachiru knows a lot of things, because she tells him. He tells her to stop spying on people when they get intimate – Ken-chan uses euphemisms around Yachiru because Unohana said it wasn't good to tell her about that sort of stuff – since it might embarrass them. She always says that they can't be embarrassed because they don't know.
She knows that Unohana wants Ken-chan, but he didn't think of her that way until Yachiru told him about it. And then Ken-chan made Unohana happy – Yachiru also uses euphemisms around the Fourth Division Captain because she likes the way the other woman tries to figure out whether the girl is innocent and observing, or whether she actually does know too much. Yachiru figures you can never know enough.
Yachiru knows that when she grows up she wants to have Soi Fon's job. She also knows that Soi Fon doesn't find that amusing and says that Yachiru could never be as stealthy as would be required of a member, never mind a Captain of the Second Division. She always sends Yachiru away. But somehow she never realizes that the pink-haired girl is there when she turns in at night with a mysterious man whom she uses solely for pleasure. Not even Yachiru managed to find out who the man is, but she figures that Soi Fon takes the business-like attitude too far.
Yachiru knows that Gin's smile is actually nice. She liked hearing his jokes. They were mean and good. She knows he cares for Kira. Don't ask how. She knows. And she knows Kira cares back.
The thing she didn't see coming was Aizen's evilness, but nobody did, so there you have it. Not even Yachiru is perfect.
But she always knew Komamura was nice, because he always liked playing with her and the kittens, when she discovered them in the first Rukongai district and brought them back to Seireitei. The kitties liked him back.
Yachiru knows that the best way to have fun with Tousen is to invite him over at a bar and have the Eleventh Division drink a gulp of beer every time he says 'justice' and then see who's the last man standing. Yachiru was the judge of the game and also the person who coaxed Tousen into talking.
She knows that, out of all captains, Hitsugaya can stand her the least, because he wants to be as separated as possible from children. She, surprisingly, respects that. But she also lets herself be bribed by Matsumoto with lots and lots and lots of candy. And the president's seat in the Shinigami Women's Association – but that's bribing everybody except Nemu. Nemu actually likes her. But Nanao made Yachiru not tell that she was the one who thrashed Kyouraku's booze, not Matsumoto. And Soifon agreed to let Yachiru be president because she didn't want anybody to know about the Black Cat Incident. Isane figured that it was a good idea to let her be president if she didn't tell anybody about Unohana and Zaraki. Unohana was just nice about it. Kotetsu Kiyone said she'd give Yachiru the chair if she didn't tell her anything about Ukitake. So there you have it. Momo Hinamori was outvoted.
And what Yachiru is learning right now is how to make oneself almost invisible. She got some info from Soi Fon's Bulky Lieutenant about cloaking oneself with reiatsu and other info from Nemu about some really interesting reiatsu properties and is working on putting the two together.
Because what Yachiru knows and nobody else does is that she is a genius on par with Hitsugaya, but that it's much more fun and a much better idea to pretend you are not.