Disclaimer: Sherlock and Doctor Who are BBC shows, so I assume that they belong to the BBC. Unless I'm wrong. The drawing that appears at some point is a Good Omens fanart which I remember seeing some time before and lost the link to. It belongs to whomever drew it. Well, except for the whole Good Omens idea which belongs to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.
AN: Yeah. The title is a shameless pun.
To: KitsuneDragonHeartLove, for catching my 1000 views kiriban on DeviantArt. It was badly delayed, but, finally, here it is! (now I have twice the views. Sorry, mate ^^ I hope it's worth the wait.)
Sherlock Wholmes, the Doctor and Whatson
"...but, to sum it all up, even after rescuing the universe and bringing people back to life and all that, we still haven't figured out what made the TARDIS explode," the Doctor said to the worlds' only consultant detective, who took in the (larger) inside of the blue box with a sort of patented impassive total attention. The detective's companion, however, looked considerably less impassive. He seemed to have taken it upon himself to state the obvious by gaping shamelessly and mouthing 'bigger on the inside'. The Doctor didn't mind. After all, somebody had to take the part of the bewildered newbie. It was customary.
Amy and Rory stood in the background, observing the universally-misplaced Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. It appeared that the universal reboot had had some bugs, such as bringing to life fictional characters from the 19th century in the 21st century, but the two weren't about to complain, preferring to stare, gape and, in Amy's case, fangirl.
"Hm," Sherlock said, after 15.7 seconds of consideration. "No, I have no idea yet. May I look around? And is there anything the others would like to add?..."
"We only know what he just told you," Amy replied. "But honestly, he said more than I can remember. And I had no clue about the other TARDIS ships he mentioned."
Sherlock walked around the room, his eyes darting from place to place with maximum attention. He studied the floor, the walls, the controls, the box of funny little things the Doctor had left lying about, quickly, but carefully, taking everything in.
"How do you make it bigger on the inside?" Watson had finally managed to gather his thoughts and decided to ask a relevant question, mostly to prove to himself that Sherlock was a good influence.
"Time Lord technology."
"That isn't an answer, since we don't know anything about Time Lords or their technology. You might as well have said 'bread crumbs'," Sherlock pointed out from the other side of the room. "Now quiet, please, I'm thinking." He walked around the room a bit more, then circled the Doctor, Rory and Amy, sniffing. "Do you use perfume? Or aftershave?" he asked.
"No," the two men answered, almost in unison.
"I do," Amy said. "Rory? Why don't you? You know I like it."
"Then I'll start using it again."
Sherlock looked at them pointedly. "Keep that conversation out of my way, please. Thank you. So, the last person? Was he around here at the time of the explosion?"
"...What other person?" the Doctor asked.
"Well, you haven't mentioned anything that could possibly be a cause, even a supposed cause, for an explosion, only the fact that you have no clue what could have caused it. I'd assume that the ship was old and rickety and prone to accidents, since you mentioned it was several centuries old, but for the fact that you've mentioned there are -or were- many other TARDISes, or whatever they may be called, and yet we still exist. Since the potential hazard of destroying all worlds when they get past a certain age is exceedingly stupid to take and people with the level of intelligence akin to your own wouldn't continue to create them, should such a risk be discovered, I assume that it takes something either unpredicted and with a very rare rate of occurrence, or something exceedingly destructive to bring this sort of happening about. Since you did not mention anything of the latter sort, I assume it is the former sort. So the former sort means either external influences, or internal influences, but considering the fact that there is a distinct smell of men's perfume around the controls and you're not wearing any perfume, I suppose that the probability scale inclines towards an internal influence characterized by the person wearing said perfume. Even if it isn't, he might know about what happened. Who was it that was here lately and left his perfume behind on the controls?"
The Doctor frowned, went to the controls and smelled them. He felt that it was supposed to be his role to smell and taste things randomly and it wasn't fair that a human had taken it into his head to do such a thing. "Indeed, there is perfume..."
"Of course there is."
"...Amy, Rory, I think he's right. We have an extra passenger."
"Of course I'm right! Over there you will observe the most obvious evidence in the shape of the man himself." It should be noted that Sherlock was starting to be annoyed at the lack of awe the Doctor regarded him with.
The others turned to see a man coming from the depths of the TARDIS. A man with strange eyes, a wide smile and something in his aura that inexplicably said 'pervert' - one of the few people in the universe who could make the Doctor feel very disturbed. A man who was just... wrong.
"I was wondering when you were going to find me out. I'm quite surprised you had to get Sherlock Holmes to help you out with that."
Amy and Rory were puzzled, John was interested, Sherlock was bored and the Doctor was not happy about this turn of events. Which is probably why the latter said, "What are you doing here?"
"Hi! Well, I could tell you, but you aren't going to believe me."
"Probably not," the Doctor replied. "But try me."
"Who's that?" Amy asked.
"Amy, Rory, I want you to meet Jack Harkness. Jack is... an old friend. Well, maybe a friend. I'm suddenly not sure about that."
Sherlock took a look around the room, then turned towards his companion. "John, this case seems to inch towards becoming boring. A waste of my time. Look at the careless way the man is dressed, his shoelaces are untied, his jacket is ruffled, but he's still here without the Doctor having known it, which, from what I can gather, isn't at all a common occurrence. So he is both careless, intrusive and more capable of stealth than one would expect. This hints to the fact that Jack Harkness is capable of creating problems and/or chaos with very little care towards consequences. I incline to think, with 80% certainty, that he is involved in the problem of the exploding TARDIS and even if he is not, he will help the Doctor figure things out without my aid. Which brings me back to the point of wasting my time."
"You're quite smart," Jack said towards Sherlock. "Nice. I like smart. I love smart. Would you like my phone number?" He beamed. "I bet I can be worth your time. If you know what I mean."
"He's married to his work and not cheating on it," John intervened. Sherlock threw him a surprised look, apparently not having anticipated that outburst. Jack turned to look towards John, studying the doctor from his toes to the ends of his hairs.
"Well, you're not that bad yourself. Would you like my phone number?"
Jack shrugged, then turned towards Amy, showing all his teeth in a smile that could only be called a drool. "And you are quite beautiful."
"She's also married," Rory stepped in. "To me."
Jack turned towards him. "Good! I like you, too. But what is up with these displays of jealousy all around? Where's the hippie movement when you need it? Don't make war, make..."
"Would you stop propositioning everybody in the TARDIS already?" the Doctor interfered, annoyed. "You weren't quite this bad the last time I met you, Jack."
"What? You're jealous, too? That's new. That's definitely new. But, if you must know, I'm just a bit bored lately."
Sherlock nodded. "I entirely understand the sentiment. Can we please be returned to our time and place? Perhaps there is something of some interest there for me to occupy my time with?"
"But, Sherlock, we could find out what destroyed the universe!"
"John, I doubt it will happen again, and it was taken care of, so it's of little interest, really. It probably has something to do with circumstances that can't be repeated or that won't be repeated, now that the Doctor is aware of this man's appearance here."
Meanwhile, the conversation between the Doctor and his old not-quite-friend continued. "Jack... What are you doing here?"
"Well, I was roaming the Universe, you know how it is. And I was running out of things to experiment..." He paused, waiting for a prompt, which came, well, promptly.
"I needed a new chemistry set," Jack said. "Totally different chemistry." Wiggle of eyebrows. "Sometimes I need a change."
"Yes. So I thought to myself, what is the Doctor doing? Who is he doing?" Catching the Doctor's eye, he completed the sentence. "A favor by getting them to travel with him? Why don't I pay him a visit?"
The Doctor narrowed his eyes. "Why not indeed..." Before he could continue with a list of reasons why Jack shouldn't, in fact, visit, the man went on with his speech.
"I saw the TARDIS and decided to see if you were in. You weren't."
"So instead of waiting outside, you..." the Doctor actually waited for the words to be taken out of his mouth this time.
"Thought to myself: Cargo. Ship."
The Doctor's eyebrows flew so high they almost hit his hairline. "The TARDIS isn't a cargo ship! And that makes no sense!"
"Not a cargo ship. A Cargo Ship. With capitals. Look, you spit out the first letter of each word, like this: Cargo-"
"Still not getting it!" the Doctor said. "Why the Tardis is a... CArgo sHip... Even with weird initials, it still isn't it."
A bit aside from the main discussion between the Doctor and Jack, Sherlock was having similar comprehension problems. "John, is this one of those popular culture references again?"
"Possibly," the other man replied. "But I can't figure it out for the life of me."
Amy turned towards Rory, who was starting to look more and more horrified. "You know, I hate to admit this,"she said, "but I know there's an innuendo somewhere, he's doing the voice thing, but..."
"Ship as in relationship. I think. Although I hope not," her husband replied.
Amy looked at him for about one second, before she paled. "Oh, gods. That... rings a bell. Wait... It's coming... I'm getting it..."
"Stop before you do. Really, love. Stop before you do. I think it just hit me and you don't want to go there."
"I'm still in the dark," the Doctor said, after watching that exchange. "What's a cargo relationship?"
Jack smiled widely, with the air of a person who always wanted to do what he was about to do and whipped out a piece of paper that had a neat little drawing on it. It was a sketch of a person being run over by a distinctly happy-looking car, the person saying "Crowley, get this blasted thing off me!" and another person grabbing the car from behind and saying "I thought you loved me". To the car.
"Cargo Ship," Jack said. "See what I mean now? Relationship with objects, aka cargo. Cargo Ship. It's practically common, I understand, but I've never tried it before. Well, not with sentient cargo."
Amy just stared. Rory turned around, disturbed, hiding his face in his hands. Sherlock blinked and filed that under 'things to be placed in a very tiny drawer of my mind, because I'll probably never need them, but then again you never know'. John groaned. The Doctor stared.
"What do you mean..."
"Oh, for the love of God!" Amy cried. "Doctor, he wants to have a go at the TARDIS! Sexually."
"Pretty much, yeah," Jack approved.
"Oh, gods," Rory moaned. "Who is this man? Why is he here?"
"John, this is quite boring."
"It's quite disturbing! How can you not find it disturbing, Sherlock?"
"...meh. To each their own, I suppose."
"I want to have a relationship with the TARDIS, Doctor."
The ship itself decided to react to that with a healthy quake, which threw them all off their feet. The Doctor grabbed the first thing that came to hand, trying to stabilize himself, Jack grabbed a balustrade and Sherlock managed to look poised even when falling on the floor. When the shaking stopped, they climbed back to their feet, patting their clothes as people are wont to do after meeting the ground under their feet (even if it technically isn't ground).
"I see," the Doctor said. "Jack, get out."
"Get. Out. I'm landing now. Wherever I'm landing, you're getting out. Now. And never returning. Not in my TARDIS."
"But I didn't do anything!"
The Doctor rushed to the controls, pressed a few buttons, pulled a pulley (that's what they're made for), there was the landing sound, he opened the door, grabbed Jack's collar and threw him out. They could hear "wait, we're above a sun, aaaaah" as the door closed.
"Wasn't that... sort of... drastic?" Rory asked.
"It was," Watson answered. "And I've been in a war."
"Even I might find issue with that," Sherlock added. "It feels unnecessarily cruel, but the good part is, I suppose, that he'll die a quick death."
"...He's immortal," the Doctor said after considering whether to share that bit of info with the others. "There was an incident regarding some time vortex manipulation and bringing people back to life." The others stared at him icily. Even Sherlock. "He'll make it. He generally has teleporting/time-traveling devices on his person. If they don't burn off before he can use them, he should be fine." More staring. "I've met him later. He lives. I promise. But now I know why he's pissed at me. Now... What destroyed the TARDIS back then?"
"Erm... I think you just threw the cause into a sun," Amy said. "I really hope that isn't his way of taking revenge."
"Actually," Sherlock interfered, "as she says, the man was the cause of it. But he probably didn't intend it. The machine's trembling right now suggests that it has a particularly bad reaction towards that person. Probably enough to blow up should he attempt to approach beyond a certain limit."
"See? He made all the universes explode! I'm not that bad for letting him fall towards a sun! We need to keep the world safe! All of it! And besides, he gets away somehow." He turned towards the TARDIS. "And he tried to do really, really evil things... You didn't want the bad man harming you, dear, now did you?"he patted the console while the others stared at him. "But don't worry, it's fine. There's no need to blow up and take the entire world with you while you're at it. You're fine. Although we now know you wouldn't date Jack in any possible Universe. Yes, dear, yes, you sexy thing..."
"...Please land us home," Sherlock said.
"This so disturbing," Watson murmured. "On so many levels."
"Probably for you, John," the detective answered. "I find it less than impressive. Little, if anything, to figure out, just some random accidents and less than tasteful happenings. This was such a waste of my time."
AN: Review? :D